Our all men like this?

[sunlver]

Our all men like this, or just my husband.
Of course is spring, the weather is nice, it is nice for the kids to play outside in the backyard. Of course as parents,we want it safe.
My husband is always working on his little "projects".. His projects only revolve around things that benefit him. Meaning, he goes in the driveway and works on his hotrod, or his old trailer thing he bought to haul the hotrod to racetracks. I mean he will spend every waking hour on this stuff. Granted our house is 42 yrs old, we have been here 7 yrs and there are many repairs still not made. Over the winter months, he has taken to laying tools, pieces of wood , nails outside on the patio table. Why,w ell in the winter kids dont play out there. We have this attached sunroom, which is used for the kids to play in. He has also used this room to add his junk too, a power saw thing he borrowed for a friend,pool chemicals etc...his just throws things in there for his only purpose. A month ago I reminded him the weather is getting nicer, the kids will want to play outside, or in the Sun room...yeah, yeah yeah he said. The next week, the same conversation...get my point?
Yesterday I went on a rampage after having to carefully supervise my 21 month old outside so she wouldnt touch the wood and nails. Yes I ALWAYS go outside with the youngest, she is never not supervised. Being a toddler she likes to explore.
So in my meanest voicie I said to my husband "SATURDAY THIS PLAYROOM AND BACKYARD WILL BE CLEANED OUT. I WILL GET A BIG TRASHBAG AND THROW EVERYTHING OUT THAT IS DANGEROUS. I WILL NOT LET MY BABIES GET HURT BY YOUR SxxT ETC..."
So first he responds by "OK"... then he goes on to say "Its not like I ever have time to do it"....HUH...I respond by "You spend every freaking spare second on your car or trailer, yet you have no time for anything else, expecially for the safety of the kids???"....he then tells me "I dont understand"

Maybe I dont get it? Am In the wrong for demanding this now?

 

[auntpolly]

Oh, this takes me back, LOL!

Here's what I did. I stopped complaining and started "helping" -- started putting DH's stuff away myself. It was never where he thought it should have been put, so he started doing it himself just to keep me from touching his stuff.

Fighting with him will only make him dig his heels in more -- he'll feel like you are his "mom" yelling at him. Sometimes you have to be sneaky.

 

[RedxPanda]

....he then tells me "I dont understand"

Maybe he will understand when he has to take a child to the emergency room with a nail in their foot/hand?! It shouldn't take the complete obvious for him to understand this tho.

This reminds me of my co-workers DH. He once told her "I don't know why I do the things I do" in relation to the stupid things he says and does that are very "manlike" and tend to upset her.

I don't think you're wrong for being upset, he probably just thinks since he goes to bed exhausted from a night of working on the car that must mean he has no energy for anything else after work Or he doesn't understand this concept of cleaning and you must show him how to do it.

 

[bicker]

Listen to wise auntpolly. Neither men nor women react well to being parented by their spouse. You have to treat them as adults, even when they don't act like adults, and sometimes that's where the "...'till death do us part..." stuff comes into play.

 

[sunlver]

Oh, this takes me back, LOL!

Here's what I did. I stopped complaining and started "helping" -- started putting DH's stuff away myself. It was never where he thought it should have been put, so he started doing it himself just to keep me from touching his stuff.

Fighting with him will only make him dig his heels in more -- he'll feel like you are his "mom" yelling at him. Sometimes you have to be sneaky.

Well I do try and put some stuff away. Honestly though, I dont know where to put it. I mean I gave him fair warning about the wood pieces and nails. If not gone soon, Saturday it will find its new home in the big black trash bin outside LOL
I gave the first warning a month ago.He knows me, he knows I have no problems putting all the junk in the trash. I get more mad because it is a safety issue more then anything else.

 

[auntpolly]

Listen to wise auntpolly.

Wow, I don't think I have ever felt so flattered! Thanks wise Uncle Bicker!

 

[auntpolly]

Well I do try and put some stuff away. Honestly though, I dont know where to put it.

Oh, but that's the fun part. Put it all in one big refrigerator box. Pile it all in the garage where his car usually goes. I don't know your house - be creative!

Then you say (without a hint of sarcasm or malice) , "Sorry, but it needed to be picked up and I didn't know where it all went."

 

[KimR]

Oh, but that's the fun part. Put it all in one big refrigerator box. Pile it all in the garage where his car usually goes. I don't know your house - be creative!

One of my favorite places to put abandoned tools is in his underwear drawer.

 

[bicker]

Honestly though, I dont know where to put it.

I find that my wife is far better at that sort of thing than I am, so assuming you and your husband are similar, in that way, to my wife and I, imagine how mystified your husband is about where to put it! It sounds like an eyes-bigger-than-stomach situation, where he's doing things that simply "take up" more than you've got available (in this situation, it is space of a certain type that he's taking up too much of -- be thankful it's not money ).

I've got to ask, though, do you want advice with regard to finding a resolution? That's one thing my wife has taught me well: Sometimes it's not about finding a resolution, but rather about much less logistical matters. An online forum isn't a bad place to get ideas about how to resolve the logistical matters, but is probably not a good place to resolve the less tangible issues related to a marriage.

 

[auntpolly]

One of my favorite places to put abandoned tools is in his underwear drawer.

The worst "spot" I ever found for something that was always in the way but never used was the goodwill bin -- but that's another story.

(15 years later and to date, he's never asked where it was!!!!!)

 

[LindsayDunn228]

No advice, just sorry you are having to deal with this

 

[auntpolly]

An online forum isn't a bad place to get ideas about how to resolve the logistical matters, but is probably not a good place to resolve the less tangible issues related to a marriage.

Honestly, I'm not trying to be a marriage counselor or anything, but if there's one thing I learned after 25 years of marriage, it's that making too big a deal out of things with your husband never works, and making an issue of a thing will usually only make it worse.

You have to be creative and amuse yourself along the way.

I always tell DD -- "You know why we have to put up with their crap? Because they put up with ours!"

 

[bicker]

Because they put up with ours!

I would never tell my wife that, though...

 

[auntpolly]

I would never tell my wife that, though...

Oh, the "unsaid" is the key to a happy marriage!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Maybe I dont get it? Am In the wrong for demanding this now?

Demanding and yelling are not good for marriages. Been there done that!!!

What you do is calmly sit and chat with your dh about the sunroom and give your request with the date it needs to be cleaned up.
Then if he doesn't do it, you get some totes, boxes, or bags and box it all up and put it somewhere. (No not in his 'hotrod' although that does seem tempting. )
Don't say a word.

You continue this with all of the projects.
Next time you sit with him and say, you (we) need to have the "gutters" (for ex.) fixed by this date. Tell him you are writing it on the calendar.
If the date passes and he doesn't move to work on it, YOU HIRE SOMEONE.

Lather, rinse, repeat. The idea is to take control and stop the power struggle. You will find your relationship different when you stop nagging, yelling, and demanding.
I know you don't believe me but it is true.

 

[mickeyfan2]

No you are not wrong and no all men are not like this.

 

[NMAmy]

You have to be creative and amuse yourself along the way.

Oh, how true this is, auntpolly!

 

[mickeyfan2]

I find it I want something done and DH drags his feet. I let it slip that in the morning I am calling the plumber/carpenter/lawn service/etc. That gets a fire lit under him. He knows I will do it (and have) and if he wants to save the money he needs to do the task. He usually start immediately. I have been married almost 23 years, so it has worked well.

 

[Disney1fan2002]

My Dh never has time for anything (aka golf) also. Because I keep him so busy with the kids and whatever. Yeah, OK.

Last weekend, after 3 weeks of rain, he conviently forgot that it was the RAIN that did not allow him to play golf for 3 weekends in a row, no, somehow, it was things I kept him busy with. he can play golf 20 times, and by the end of the summer, still be saying "it's not like I ever get to play"

My question, when do I get to play?

 

[poohandwendy]

Using your 'meanest voice' really isn't productive with your spouse. (think about what sort of reaction you would have to your DHs 'meanest voice'- probably not anything positive)

I am sure you were upset, but you will get much further with trying to find solutions than making demands.

I understand your frustration, been there done that. What works best is my helping him, not my treating him like a petulant child.

Your DH is not good at organizing things, maybe you are better at it? Put your efforts into doing what YOU can do to make things they way YOU want them to be.