Other than homeschooling, what can be done? UPDATE post#48

[The Mystery Machine]

So, I guess if I were you, I would go the evaluation route. And don't just "go to a pyschologist". Because, honestly, it is just too darned easy to get with one that doesn't have the proper credentials. Contact the Children's Hospital in your area and find a place that specializes in JUST this.

Yes...great post. The key here is to find out what is wrong through a comprehensive plan of action.
I also agree that he needs intervention now, and not just from a counselor, but from some specific specialists.

Have faith and I wish you well. {HUGS}

 

[Microcell]

He might just be a sad kid. No labels to explain away his troubles, he might just be sad, or mad or whatever. The solution lies in finding out what the problem is and fixing it. Does he get picked on at school? Another school with a clean slate might help. Does he think his homelife is bad? ETA: Obviously after making sure he does not have dyslexia or some other pinpointable affliction. I just think we have gotten out of control labeling kids just to give them a name.

I would go to a psychologist or therapist and let him talk out his issues.

I am pretty intelligent, and when my mother died my father was shocked to find out I was at best making C'sand D's when I was an A student before their divorce. I was so incredibly sad, thats all, just depressed. I was taking care of my mother, who didn't want her brother or my father to know she had not left the house for an entire year. We were broke and I was considering quitting high school and working at Mc Donalds full time when her severence pay ran out. She died 10 days before I was to quit school. I was not the most popular kid in school, and I was in general not happy.

I moved in with my father and his shrew of a wife, and still the bad grades. I was making C's so they could'nt brag about me at all. They were very much the braggarts.They told me I couldn't work if I brought home anything lower than a "C" so i brought home straight "C's" until I moved out of thier house. I lived on my own on my moms social security money ($500.00) and a 15 hour a week job in a fast food restaurant, and surprise, surprise, straight A's that last semester. I had very good grades through college too!

I was in a particularly bad situation, and I am not saying your DS is going through anything like that, but maybe a third party could help him figure out the problem.

Also- I would see about maybe arranging with his teachers for you to go to school early with him and go to his teachers and drop off the assignments. Good luck!

 

[Tiggeroo]

From my experience alot of boys just do this. I have twin sons. One struggled with school but tried hard and got thru hs. He's now at UMBC in Maryland. He still works harder then the other kids but gets the grades he needs.
His twin brother is much more academically gifted. But he's lazy, immature and doesn't seem to have any internal motivation. He graduated hs by the skin of his teeth. I did most of the things suggested here and that's how he got thru hs. He's in a cc now. First semester, very bad. Dropped two of his classes for not going. Like every other time we had a serious talk. He knew that he either had to go to school or work full time and pay rent. This semester he's doing better. But I would say he's not doing better due to any threats I made or talks we had. I can just see him maturing and becoming more responsible on his own.
Although in some ways he was acting like an adult you could see he was pretty immature. He was one of the youngest kids in his class (late bday). He didn't get to a level of maturity where you can think about the future and realize how consequences happen. And this son is a super nice kid. His teachers and coaches love him. He always has a job where his employer loves him. He's respectful to me. But he couldn't grasp the importance of school, in particular homework. The thing is I kind of agree with him about the stupididty of homework. Imagine that he would get a's on all his tests, participate in class, know the subject matter very well, but fail the class due to not turning in homework.

 

[barkley]

dh was (is) a smart student but was not incredibly motivated in jr/sr high. he also felt out of place with the other students (had gone to school with them from k-on but never got close to more than a few). in his freshman year he asked his parents about going to a new school as a fresh start. they opted to send him to a seventh day adventist boarding school (the norm in the sda church educationaly is for boarding school in the highschool years) or "academy". it was one of the best things that every happened to him. he had to take personal responsibility to get himself to class each morning (but they will send someone to kick your tush out of bed to ensure you don't miss classes), take care of his dorm room, laundry and personal needs. while you have teachers and deans who are making sure you are getting your school work done, there is great personal accountability emphasis (the schools are set up such to teach you these habits). AND (which i think is a great idea) most have educational programs structured to include/require some form of paid on campus job-depending on your skills and grades you may be doing basic manual labor or you may work your way into something geared towards a career path interest (computer lab assistant, dark room/teacher's aide, working in the bsns. office)-it gives the students insight into how their study habits pay off in the work force.

while dh was raised sda, there are plenty of non sda kids who attend-largly because the education offered is awsome, and since the church advocates a no alcohol/tobacco lifestyle along with healthy eating (vegetarian) parents feel their kids won't be exposed to some of the less desirable behaviours in other public/private schools.

tuition at these institutions is not nearly as costly as one would think (in fact it can be far less than non-boarding catholic schools), and some parents find that after attending one year their kids are much more mature, self reliant and-their grades and attitude about learing has done a complete turn-around.

i think for some kids these schools offer a taste of what college will be like (they offer many more career path driven electives) but provide supervision and guidance such that they "learn how to learn".

 

[vettechick99]

I think this is his problem. He's thinking "I'll just get it wrong, why bother trying" ...

This is called learned helplessness and it's quite common. In fact, I'd say most of my special ed kids suffer from it. They've struggled all their lives with learning disabilities or ADHD and it's hard to bounce back from. They just stop trying.

One thing I do is set very small, attainable goals for them. They see a little success here and there and it builds their self-esteem. So keeping him in hockey is probably great for him!

I think you are smart by taking him to a psychologist for testing and talking. If you can't nip this in the bud now, he only falls further and further behind.

GL!

 

[ga9497]

My thought too was to ask if you have had him tested for dyslexia. You would me amazed on how this is so often no recognized

Maybe when he did hand in homework he got so many wrong that he was embarassed to hand it in anymore? My daughter would forget to write it down and then forget she had a certain subject due, or didn't write down the date and would hand it in late. I corrected this problem with having her teachers sign each day the homework page and I would sign each homework and the homework page (they have a homework planner calendar). Her teachers were also very accomodating that they would email me each day to give me the homework that was given and give me a heads up on tests when they were coming up. This helped me make sure that the homework was done that needed to be and that she studied enough before the test. I never told her when the test was going to be or that she even had one. Math has always been a struggle for her and once the email / homework thing was implemented she ended up with a B for Math, she was so thrilled with herself that now she really takes care with homework. Sometimes she still forgets but nowhere as often as before

The thing that worked best for her is that we told her we would have to put her in a new school if she didn't improve and she didn't want that because she really likes the school she goes to. The other thing is that if she doesn't bring home anything lower then a C for the last two marking periods we will get her a cell phone for the new school year in September. We wanted to do this anyway for emergency purposes but it is something for her to strive toward

One thing that was really hard for her this year, her first in middle school, is that she had one binder with separators for each subject, it was so hard for her to keep organized and things would get misplaced and then when she couldn't find it wouldn't hand in her work. We fixed this by getting her a different color binder for each subject this way if the binder does get a little disorganized at least everything in it is for that one subject. This did a world of good and for the first few weeks I went through the binder with her each night to make sure everything was where it should be.

Her teachers would also give her extra credit if she handed in a project / assignment earlier then it was due. This helped with her grades and herself esteem because as she saw her grades go up the better she felt about herself and in turn would do better.

We really stressed the fact that we understood that she was having a tough time and we didn't expect all A's but we did expect some kind of improvement even if it as a grade a few points higher that she had last report card.

What else does he really like beside hockey, a video game, tv time, etc. Try to say that for every hour he spends on homework he gets an 30min to one hour of tv time, outside time, whatever. Give him short term goals. Long term goals sometime seem like you will never reach them and you give up before you even try.

Good luck

 

[gopack]

I really feel for you. I am sure every situation is different, but I wanted to tell you about my brother. He was very sweet until the day he started first grade and gradually became a terror and very difficult to handle. By the time he got to high school he was just getting by. He did the absolute minimum and took some kind of vocational training. My parents just finally realized that he was a terrible student and hated school. As soon as he was out of school, his great disposition returned and as an adult he is a remarkable man. He is extremely successful and will probably retire in his early 50's. He did not go to college. Although his situation is not common it worked for him. Education was highly valued in our family, but my parents realized that my brother was never going to do well in school. Please be careful when you are having him evaluated. Sometimes I think conditions are fabricated so that behavior can be explained. I have no idea why your son will not do his homework, but maybe he is gifted or interested in other things. I would try to find his strengths and build on those so that he can gain confidence in himself and not feel like a failure. Good luck.

 

[siouxi31]

I've decided against homeschooling since I'll continue to have to work out of the home. There's be no support from my husband either.
We're having him tested for ADD (although I already know he has this) and then the HS will be willing to do something different with him. They won't touch him until he's categorized like this.
Part of what bothers me through this whole thing is when family or friends ask casually how he's doing in HS. I'm not a very good liar, hate to not owe up to our problems as if everything is rosy, and I hate to wear my heart on my sleeve so I usually tell them how it is. He has failed all of his core classes and only passed PE and Guitar I. Then they start to offer me suggestions like punishments, ideas to keep him organized, or telling me that I should go to school with him to make sure the homework is handed in. Yes, I could probably take a leave of absense from work for a short period of time stating family problems but do they have any idea what happens to employees who do that sort of thing? You're labelled as a problem person. It doesn't matter what company you work for. The majority of HR people will tell you that this actually happens. What good would that do us as a family? We'll be out of a home but my son will be passing his classes.
Sorry, I'm running off with my thoughts now. There's just so much to say on the subject and no way that I can cover everything here or in a casual conversation with people.
I'd like to thank everyone here for their support and ideas. I know that I just said above how I get tired of suggestions but I was asking for them in this forum which makes the situation a little different. Some people asked me for an update and this is what we're doing.

 

[Pigeon]

My dh is a high school teacher. He often suggests to parents with kids with similar problems to you that they put the child on a daily report. Basically, that means that the child must have a planner signed by every teacher every day indicating whether or not the home/class work has been completed. If the child has a good week, he has a nice weekend. If he doesn't have a good week, he has a not so nice weekend. For some kids, this process does help them get organized.

Hugs to you! Being the parent of teens can be hard, hard, hard!

 

[Cindyluwho]

I may get flamed for this but here goes:
You're son may never do well in school. Perhaps he's going to be one of those kids who never can overcome it. If he were older I would suggest the Peace Corp or a Kibbutz. At 15 he will be able to get his GED and perhaps he could get involved in Kibbutz/Peace Corp type charity work. I'm sure there is something that he is passionate about that doesn't require school. If he can spend his life helping others then school may not be that important. The networking that happens while volunteering could help him land a great job in the future. Once in a great while doing well in school is not the most important thing, it's how well we do in life that counts.

 

[Sleepy]

I may get flamed for this but here goes:
You're son may never do well in school. Perhaps he's going to be one of those kids who never can overcome it.

Absolutely no flames from me. I do agree, there are some people who just are not college material. I truly feel my son (age 14) is one of them. He has always had severe ADHD and even with medication , school is just not one of those things he has been good at. His organizational skills are terrible. All the assistance and creative ways I have thought of to help him stay organized over the last 8 years have gotten him no where. He has always been a slow reader, so getting through material to answer chapter questions is a daily struggle. Given that struggle, he finds reading boring and his attention span is shot instantly. He can read a book and not be able to tell you much detail about it. I usually end up reading the book too and give him assistance, but not actually do the work for him. He is smart as a whip when it comes to math. He is doing material already, that I did not do until high school. Anything hands on, he is fantastic at, but if it requires reading, especially something he is disinterested in, you might as well hang it up. THis is not saying he is lazy or is apathetic. IF he has an interest, he persues it until he masters it. At age 12, he wanted to learn how to play chess (something hands on) and taught himself by doing research on the internet. If we could just get him to put that much effort and interest into homework, we would be doing great.

We have tried everything to punish him and nothing works. He could care less if we take away the computer or tv or anything else. His organizational skills and disinterest in most reading required subjects cause him to just not care about grades. I know he is intelligent, but I feel deep inside there is something preventing him from bringing that forward. For a child like this, I would NEVER take away an activity that makes he or she feel worthwhile. My son has been doing ballet since the age of 8. HE has worked very hard to make it to where he is today. He is a student at one of the worlds top opera houses here in Europe. This is his career goal in life. While some kids wait until they are 18 to persue a career by going to college, my son IS going to "college" so to speak. By the time he is 18, he will have a job secured and be doing something he both enjoys and something he can succeed. This is something I am sure of. My thoughts are totally different on a future for college. The way I see it, not everyone is meant to go to college. Just because you don't, doesn't mean you are worthless. However, my requirement is that he finishes high school......no matter how bad his grades are.

 

[Sleepy]

I second the idea about getting him a part time job in a less desirable field.

While that seems like a good suggestion for a child who just doesn't care, I don't think it would be good advice for a kid who might have a learning disability that is undiagnosed. You take a kid who is struggling and they constantly hear they are unorganized, never make it to college, etc. Stick that kid in a terrible job as a taste of what is to come, what do you think might happen? You think that kid, who has struggled and knows he will never do well in school is going to look at that terrible job and see it as how his life will be in the future and then examine school and decide "What's the point in trying if I'm just going to get stuck doing this job whether I finish school or not."

 

[crz4mm2]

My DS was a horrid student. HORRID. In JR we did the testing. Our ped at that time, did not use medication as DS was not considered "hyperactive" only ADD... So we did without. It was awful. Struggle every day. Our requirement was he graduate HS too. He went to summer school every year. I had to pay for this, but he went.He hated it. But we made him go. No amount of punishments or rewards made any difference. It was awful. I look back now and wish I would have done something else. I do think medication would have helped him.
You have to decide what is most important to you and your DS. If graduation is most important, then he has to do that no matter what. If that involved tutors, summer school, whatever, then that is what it takes. I would have let DS get his GED, but DH felt differently so he did graduate, on time, with his class. BUT he never would have made it without summer school EVERY year.
He tried one semester of college, after he had been out of HS for a couple of years. Failed miserably. He just can't keep more than one thing together...
He knows he wants to do something more than a minimum wage job, and they are pretty hard to come by without some education.... Maybe your son needs to work a part time job so he can see how hard it is to work a minimum wage job? I don't know what the answer is for you.
Sorry you are in this situation, but I feel for you. Been there. It is the toughest.

 

[siouxi31]

Oh thank you all so much for your responses. I'm sorry that there are others out there with children like mine but then again it makes me feel more relaxed.

 

[SeeDisney]

There was an excerpt from a book that a woman wrote --- DARN IT I don't remember the title. But I read it with interest. The title had some kind of title like......why do boys that do so well in elementary school, and then fail miserably in high school. The book was about how some boys learn differently and how to approach it. Boys that are very intelligent but don't do well in school.

The excerpt I read was from the USA magazine that's included in the Sunday newspaper from about a year ago.

I read it cuz it happened to my brother and a few other boys that I know of.

Maybe this helped you some. So sorry that I don't know the name of the book.

 

[msklcassidy]

I'm glad you're having him tested. My niece is ADHD and is now doing much better in school. To me it's kinda sad that the only way she could get help was if she had a "label."

One thing someone said was that their son does so much better with hands-on learning. I think that's very true. My son (he's only 7 and I'm lucky that he's a good student) is at an Experiential Learning Outdoor Education type school in St. Louis. Tuition is high, I'll admit. Writing that check every year makes me gulp. But then I look at how well he is doing and how well other kids (particularly 4 very high energy boys -- they may well be "ADHD" but I think of them as high energy) are doing AND how well all of the kids support each other, and I know I made the right decision. I talked with another parent at my school who's son is ADHD and has dyslexia. They moved their son to our school in 3rd grade because he wasn't reading (I mean nearly not at all)...he's now in 8th grade, getting ready to graduate and go to high school and he's now an exceptional student. They're putting him at a similar type of school (though it's boarding) so that he can continue his "hands-on" learning style.

Good luck and keep at it. Remember YOU are your son's best advocate and let us know from time to time how things are going.

Karen

 

[ChibiJones]

There was an excerpt from a book that a woman wrote --- DARN IT I don't remember the title. But I read it with interest. The title had some kind of title like......why do boys that do so well in elementary school, and then fail miserably in high school. The book was about how some boys learn differently and how to approach it. Boys that are very intelligent but don't do well in school.

The excerpt I read was from the USA magazine that's included in the Sunday newspaper from about a year ago.

I read it cuz it happened to my brother and a few other boys that I know of.

Maybe this helped you some. So sorry that I don't know the name of the book.

Was it "Raising Cain"? I saw a PBS special on it a few months ago. It was very interesting. Here's their website: http://www.pbs.org/opb/raisingcain/

 

[Dory's Twin]

Go get the book...

"A Fine Young Man" by Michael Gurian.

I am an ex-HS teacher, have a DS15....so I have a little knowledge of boys (enough to be dangerous!). Sounds as if your son is depressed. It is SO hard to be a boy these days...way to many pressures...try to be supportive and not punitive.

Taking away everything he loves is not the answer, helping him find things he loves and is good at is the answer....and I am not talking about video games....volunteering at the zoo or at a homeless shelter or working on the school yearbook, planting a garden....help him find outlets....physical (hockey) and emotional, creative, you name it...try it!

He needs to do stuff with his Dad and he needs to do stuff with his Mom....

YOU CAN TURN THIS AROUND!!!

 

[Cindyluwho]

Taking away everything he loves is not the answer, helping him find things he loves and is good at is the answer....and I am not talking about video games....volunteering at the zoo or at a homeless shelter or working on the school yearbook, planting a garden....help him find outlets....physical (hockey) and emotional, creative, you name it...try it!

He needs to do stuff with his Dad and he needs to do stuff with his Mom....

YOU CAN TURN THIS AROUND!!!

ITA!!!
Especially about the charity work. It gives a person a sense of self worth when they can help others. It will make a terrific difference!