Other people "parenting" my kids...

[okeydokey]

In the group of friends we hang with, there is an understanding that if needed, they can parent our children. If my kids are in their care and they need some correction I want them to be corrected.

Just last week after Sunday School at church two kids waiting for parents to come get them and picked up pool cues and were about to engage in fencing. I said, "Kids, not a good idea" and they stopped. I didn't realize but one of the Moms was right behind me and said Thank You. No feelings hurt.

 

[Magpie]

Generally I agree with you on parenting stuff but I honestly hate this attitude. I never want my daughter to think she should get special protection just because of her sex or my son to think he should allow a girl to push him around just because he is a boy. Besides, my DD is a black belt and one of the physically strongest people I have ever met--she could taken most anyone. My son is small for is age and not a fighter at all and HAS been pretty seriously injured by some girls who decided they wanted to push him around.

Hm... come to think of it, I've also told my son that he isn't allowed to push boys around, either.

I think my stance comes from two different things.

One, my boy is BIG. Not at all fat, but he's broad-shouldered and tall and he's got a solid build. When he was little, he was always assumed to be several years older than he was, and now that he's 12, he's taller than some grown men. I've tried to teach him from the very beginning to be careful, and always look for a peaceable solution first. Because no one ever believes that the big kid is the innocent one in a conflict.

Two, my boy is... well, a boy! And when he becomes a man he needs to know that even if a woman attacks him first, if he ever lays a hand on her in retaliation, HE's the one who will be charged with assault. That Dr. Phil quote, "You never touch a woman!" while hilarious, is also something my son needs to internalize for his own protection. His father is behind me on this one, and occasionally points out useful tips like, "If you're walking down a dark deserted street and a woman is coming toward you on the sidewalk, it's courteous to cross the road, so you don't inadvertently scare her. Besides, she might have pepper spray."

It's not fair, but that's the way the world works. (BTW, we've also told him that in any conflict, the first person to make a police report often wins. )

 

[eliza61]

I think it depends on the situation.

I have a brother who absolutely refuses to parent his out of control son whenever he goes any where. We were in the hospital visiting a sick relative and little "Johhny" was running around acting like a park ape (apologizies to all the apes. lol) while my brother blithely watched football. finally after 10 minutes of this I lost my cool and threaten the little bugger. I think I was more pissed at my sibling for not doing his job.

But like you I have had another baseball mom come in and throw me a life line when both my son and I were have a major battle and she could sense that I was at my wits end.

I really don't consider that "parenting". I pretty much look at that as "helping" me out because I too have been in your shoes.

I think you have to evaluate each situation and figure out is the person trying to help or are they simply trying to judge.

 

[MushyMushy]

I have to admit that I would be leery of saying anything to a child when a parent is around if I don't know the parent. But I wouldn't get bent out of shape about someone correcting one of my kids in front of me unless they were out of line or something -- for example, if it wasn't actually my child doing it or if they decide to spank.

If I have a kid under my care for whatever reason, (in a car, in my house, on a field trip) you can bet that I'm going to correct a misbehaving child. I'm not going to get into any long lectures about morality or anything like that, but I'm going to put a stop to the bad behavior. ANY parent who had a problem with that needs to keep their child home. I'm pretty laid back, so if a kid is being bad enough for me to have to tell them to knock it off, then they're being pretty bad.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Hm... come to think of it, I've also told my son that he isn't allowed to push boys around, either.

I think my stance comes from two different things.

One, my boy is BIG. Not at all fat, but he's broad-shouldered and tall and he's got a solid build. When he was little, he was always assumed to be several years older than he was, and now that he's 12, he's taller than some grown men. I've tried to teach him from the very beginning to be careful, and always look for a peaceable solution first. Because no one ever believes that the big kid is the innocent one in a conflict.

Two, my boy is... well, a boy! And when he becomes a man he needs to know that even if a woman attacks him first, if he ever lays a hand on her in retaliation, HE's the one who will be charged with assault. That Dr. Phil quote, "You never touch a woman!" while hilarious, is also something my son needs to internalize for his own protection. His father is behind me on this one, and occasionally points out useful tips like, "If you're walking down a dark deserted street and a woman is coming toward you on the sidewalk, it's courteous to cross the road, so you don't inadvertently scare her. Besides, she might have pepper spray."

It's not fair, but that's the way the world works. (BTW, we've also told him that in any conflict, the first person to make a police report often wins. )

See, I can totally understand telling him he cannot push ANYbody around

As far as not fighting back if attacked, we can agree to disagree. It is better to run if you can, but I cannot in good conscious teach a child that they are not allowed to defend themselves if need be just because the gender of the attacker might be female. Perhaps i am biased by having a girl who, like your son, is very big for her age (at 13 she is 5' 8"; she has a big bone stricture and is all muscle and belt tested against only the adult black belts because when they wanted her to "give it her all" it was not safe to have her spar with others in her age range, everyone always assumed she was 2-5 years older than she was--now peopel tend to think she is her brother's mom) and a son who is very small for his age (and has the type of personality that is different and therefore can make him a target for some small minded people).

 

[Wishing on a star]

Extrapolate much? I should be able to tell a child to stop throwing food at me without being chastised by her mother for interfering.

Ummmmm, thanks, I think..

Anyone has the right to stop themselves from being actually physically assaulted.... I NEVER said otherwise....

There is a big difference in that, and feeling entitled to 'discipline' another person's child.

If the parent is there... talk to the parent...
If the parent takes no action remove yourself and/or your child from the situation.

If you disagree, then fine... But I think we can do without the personally directed responses and words like 'extrapolate'.

Look, I've been there done that.
Once a younger kid actually jumped my kid from behind, taking him to the floor, and was actually fully on top of my son giving him very forceful noogies.... His mother was nowhere around. I had observed stuff like this from this other kid for a very long time. He couldn't keep his hands to himself and was almost aggressive.

At that time, my son was indeed being assaulted. So, yes, I marched over and said in my best mommy voice "GET OFF HIM..... we need to keep our hands to ourselves"

Of course, later, this kid ran to his mom... the other mother was very indignant, and even though her son was physically on top of my son, "I was intimidating her little snowflake"

If this kid had not been on top of my son, I would have said nothing...
And, even when he WAS on top of my son, I did not really 'discipline'... (again, NOT my place) I just demanded that he get off my son.
If the mother had been there... I would have involved her right then and there....

 

[DVCisME]

This is tough. My oldest son has a disablitity. Some people look at it as misbehaving, reality is he mentally and physically cannot handle it. My son is a handsome and seemingly normal child to most people.

An example is one time we were paying at Target and my son was not able to handle everything going on. He started screaming at me, hitting me, crying, and what made it even worse were the people staring at me like I couldn't control my son. I knew he was done and was trying to get out asap, thus paying for our stuff.

I understand people think they know what is best and/or what works best for them, but that does not necessarily equate for everyone.

Every child is different.

Help would be great but sometimes someone's help is just an added hinder. I think that if someone does "step up" to say or do something you can tell if it was ill intended, and that is what you have to weigh.

 

[Magpie]

This is tough. My oldest son has a disablitity. Some people look at it as misbehaving, reality is he mentally and physically cannot handle it. My son is a handsome and seemingly normal child to most people.

An example is one time we were paying at Target and my son was not able to handle everything going on. He started screaming at me, hitting me, crying, and what made it even worse were the people staring at me like I couldn't control my son. I knew he was done and was trying to get out asap, thus paying for our stuff.

I understand people think they know what is best and/or what works best for them, but that does not necessarily equate for everyone.

Every child is different.

Help would be great but sometimes someone's help is just an added hinder. I think that if someone does "step up" to say or do something you can tell if it was ill intended, and that is what you have to weigh.

Good points!

That's kind of similar to what happened to us in the library, when the librarian expected my 18 month old to behave like a 3yo. I think maybe an outsider needs to have at least a basic familiarity with the mother and child before stepping in. Otherwise, you just can't know if the child has hidden issues or a disability or just isn't what they appear to be.

In my first example, the mother and I were in the same home school organization and knew each other.

 

[ccgirl]

This is tough. My oldest son has a disablitity. Some people look at it as misbehaving, reality is he mentally and physically cannot handle it. My son is a handsome and seemingly normal child to most people.

An example is one time we were paying at Target and my son was not able to handle everything going on. He started screaming at me, hitting me, crying, and what made it even worse were the people staring at me like I couldn't control my son. I knew he was done and was trying to get out asap, thus paying for our stuff.

I understand people think they know what is best and/or what works best for them, but that does not necessarily equate for everyone.

Every child is different.

Help would be great but sometimes someone's help is just an added hinder. I think that if someone does "step up" to say or do something you can tell if it was ill intended, and that is what you have to weigh.

While I would never "help" a parent discipline their own child I would absolutely step in if my child, or another child for that matter, was getting hurt. Disability or no disability. My DD was playing soccer 2 years ago. She was 5 1/2. There was a boy on her team that just could not control himself. A lot of children kept getting hurt. The last straw was when he pushed my DD down and stepped on her. I walked out to the soccer field and stopped the game. I told the coach the boy was to be removed or the police would be called. This was assault and it was going to stop right here, right now. The dad started yelling at me. This was the same dad that would congratulate his 6 year old child when he was "aggressive" and pushed another child down. I said I felt bad for his child but if he cannot contain his anger and children were consistently getting hurt he should not be playing and the next time it happened the police would be called. The child did not play another game that season and the other children were no longer attacked.

 

[Acklander]

Unless it's a safety issue, or in my yard I stay out of it. And even if it's in my yard it doesn't go beyond "Johnny, it's time to go home now" One thing I've learned on the Dis is that EVERYONE has different standards on what they allow/don't allow their kids to do and EVERYONE has different ideas of what discipline entails.
I wouldn't be comfortable with someone else telling my kid what to do if I was there - that's my job.

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

Magpie,

There is one very obvious difference between the two examples that you give.

in the first, the other woman was clearly trying to bolster the actions you were taking as a parent.

In the second, while perhaps well-meaning, this woman was, in reality, undermining the actions that you were taking as a parent.
And, IMHO, that is almost never okay.

I agree that parents can support and help each other...
But, I think people need to be very careful about any comments or actions that undermine the parents. They are YOUR kids.

Couldn't have said it better.

 

[mom22belles]

I think there is a whole world of difference between "discipline" and correcting.

In the case of the OP the other women was reinforcing correct behaviour. If the other person had taking it father and had actually suggested "discipline"

ie: "your child needs a good spanking" then I would have an issue.

I have no problems with others reinforcing rules and safety issues. In fact I had no problem just an hour ago saying to a child as well as my own no playing tag in the hallway at school. Mom was there but had her back turned.

 

[Jennasis]

One of my students came for her lesson with her grandpa and little siter (maybe 4 years old?). The little one wanted a soda from our soda machine and started yelling at grandpa to get her one. He was getting change from his pocket, apparently not fast enough for the whiny little princess so she kicked him and called him stupid.

I bent down and told her "I don't allow hitting, kicking or calling names on my property and if she did so again she'd have to go sit in the car".

Grandpa smiled sheepishly and APOLOGIZED for the kid.

 

[LisaR]

I think that this is one reason our society has taken such a turn for the worse, no one looks out for anyone else any more. When we were young and doing something we were not supposed to be doing, you bet the lady down the street would make us stop AND call our parents and we could catch heck again. Having that extra 'oversight' kept a lot of kids in line. Oh, that and the parents BELIEVED the lady that called vs "my Johnny could NEVER do that".

If my kids are misbehaving when we are not around you bet I would expect someone to step in.

OP, in your second example I would have told the woman that I am trying to teach my child that stealing is not ok and no he can not have the pencil, keeping in mind that a 4 year old doesn't see that as stealing.

This is my favorite story from my childhood and how the "motherhood code" seemed to work back then (long before cell phones).

I rode my bike up to the grocery store when I was maybe 7 or 8. They always had a big display of Brach's candy in boxes in the aisle. They were small pieces like caramels and peppermints and I pocketed a couple of them. The neighbor lady that lived across the street from me saw me but I did not see her. I rode straight home from the store. To this day, I can not figure out how she managed to contact my mom before I got home. I walked in the front door and my mom loudly proclaimed that I needed to empty my pockets immediately. She marched my little butt right back to the store where I had to apologize, return the uneaten candy and sweep the sidewalks in front of the grocery store for one week after school. I never stole again and I continued to see my neighbor and play with her kids for many years after without another word spoken about the incident.

Unfortunately, we live in a much different society now. If someone did that now, they would be lambasted on the internet for not minding their own business. The kid would tell all their friends that Johnny's mom was a witch and likely bully him because of something his mom did. Or the kid would be nasty and disrespectful to the adult that ratted on him because that is how the parents are raising him. The parents would think it was perfectly acceptable for their child to be a brat because the adult hurt their little snowflakes feelings. Ugh!

 

[MushyMushy]

One of my students came for her lesson with her grandpa and little siter (maybe 4 years old?). The little one wanted a soda from our soda machine and started yelling at grandpa to get her one. He was getting change from his pocket, apparently not fast enough for the whiny little princess so she kicked him and called him stupid.

I bent down and told her "I don't allow hitting, kicking or calling names on my property and if she did so again she'd have to go sit in the car".

Grandpa smiled sheepishly and APOLOGIZED for the kid.

I've been noticing a lot lately a trend of grandparents taking kids out in public and the kids behaving like MONSTERS. I don't get it! These people raised their own kids, so it's not like they don't know how to correct a kid. I'm just speculating here, but I wonder if they are afraid to discipline the kids for fear of how the parents will react.

 

[DVCisME]

I think society in general is just to lax. When we are at the bus stop I have to remind my children to stay of the person's property as the other children run rampade on the lawn with the parents watching. It seems what used to be a known rules are now question and rarely enforced.
I think parents in general are concerned about what everyone think of them as opposed to the disservice they are doing to their children. I also think a lot has changed in the way children are disciplined- whether spanking vs non-spanking, or what one might deem appropriate another might say is abuse.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I've been noticing a lot lately a trend of grandparents taking kids out in public and the kids behaving like MONSTERS. I don't get it! These people raised their own kids, so it's not like they don't know how to correct a kid. I'm just speculating here, but I wonder if they are afraid to discipline the kids for fear of how the parents will react.

I think that is often the case. DS used to dance with two sisters whose grandmother often brought them to lessons. In taht case I know that their mother refused to let the girls spend time with her if she ever tried to control their behaviour at all

 

[Mouse House Mama]

If I am disciplining my kid nobody better get involved. It is none of their business. If my children are in your care then of course I expect you to properly reprimand them if needed. As for the OP's first post I would not have been happy with somebody sticking their nose in. She was taking care of it and that Mom imo was out of line. YMMV.

 

[golfgal]

I've been noticing a lot lately a trend of grandparents taking kids out in public and the kids behaving like MONSTERS. I don't get it! These people raised their own kids, so it's not like they don't know how to correct a kid. I'm just speculating here, but I wonder if they are afraid to discipline the kids for fear of how the parents will react.

You must have missed the 9,000,000 or so threads here about in-laws that give their grandkids candy or allow them to stay up 10 minutes past their bedtime and how they will NEVER see their grandkids again because of that

 

[luvmy3]

In the group of friends we hang with, there is an understanding that if needed, they can parent our children. If my kids are in their care and they need some correction I want them to be corrected.

Just last week after Sunday School at church two kids waiting for parents to come get them and picked up pool cues and were about to engage in fencing. I said, "Kids, not a good idea" and they stopped. I didn't realize but one of the Moms was right behind me and said Thank You. No feelings hurt.

I don't consider that discipline, I consider that looking out for their safety and the safety of others and/or property. If you took the cues away and made them sit down and lectured them about how wrong they were then that would be different. Of course if you were the Sunday school teacher and they were in your care until the parent arrived then that would be acceptable.

I think society in general is just to lax. When we are at the bus stop I have to remind my children to stay of the person's property as the other children run rampade on the lawn with the parents watching. It seems what used to be a known rules are now question and rarely enforced.

I don't have to remind my kids, they know the deal when they are at the bus stop. We have a couple crazies there and their parents are right their with them letting them run all over the place screaming like they are on a playgorund, not in someone's yard at 7:15 in the morning. My kids stay in one spot, the don't yell and scream, they look like little soldiers , and the sad part is I bet those other parents think I'm a drill sargeant.