OT: Yes, I'm asking for parenting advice for my almost 6 yo dd

[JUJU814]

My almost 6 yo dd has got quite the independent will and is proving to be quite spunky.

She has a lot of tantrums and crying..I mean a LOT of crying. It's driving me crazy. She cries over everything. It's like cartoon tears..they burst from her face..and those big blue eyes..

Well her hair has a mind of it's own..it just goes all over.

Here's what I need to know..what is the right thing to do? The recommended thing?

As a mom who wants her daughter to look neat and kept, I want to do her hair. However, she is really into hair clips these days and INSISTS on doing her own hair. She does not do a good job brushing it, and then she tries to put like 6-8 clips in her hair..all over her head. She's so proud of her hair do.

Am I supposed to let her do it and overlook it, and let her go to school that way? When I try to do her hair for her, or tell her no, we need to make your hair look neat, she rips every clip out of her hair and bursts into tears and goes into a tantrum.

This morning, I said ok..you can put two clips in your hair...one on each side. She allowed me to brush it neat and I figured well, it's been brushed well and there will only be 2 clips so how bad can it be.

She comes in with more clips and when I said no, again, she freaks out, pulls them all out and is crying again. Mind you, I NEED to leave to take her to school.

She and ds go to a Montessori school..they definitely understand the self expression.

I don't want to squash her little spirit, but I need to teach her what is socially acceptable. Or do I overlook this and choose my battles?

We went to a new church yesterday and it was all I could do to insist she wear one of two dresses..so I had to let the hair go or I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown. She went to church with like 8 clips in her hair. ugh!

Is this normal for this age? My 17 yo dd did not do this!!! Should I just chill out and ignore it?

Everywhere I go, I see these darling little girls with perfect pigtails and bows..and then there's my little free spirit, with her hair every which way and multi colored clips everywhere.

Please be nice to me...I'm really serious, I need to know how to handle this.

I'm just very thankful they have uniforms this year! LOL

 

[ginnymack]

I have a 6 year old and we are having some of those issues. One thing I constantly remind myself is to "pick your battles". Maybe you strike a deal that she can do her hair for school, but you do it for other outings? It is quite likely that peer pressure will fix your problem soon! Also, I tried working with my daughter (when she was in a good mood!) and when we had some time and I tried to teach her the right way to do her hair, fix her part, etc. Now she has almost mastered the ponytail! Try to approach the whole thing as her "friend" letting her in on a secret rather than a mom lecturing a kid. Also, you may want to try to take her shopping for accessories that are easier for her to work with - like headbands. Hang in there, mama...this too shall pass!

 

[tiggger1]

Same here! My 6 year old is constantly crying about everything and it is driving me insane!

 

[smkiya]

One thing I constantly remind myself is to "pick your battles". Maybe you strike a deal that she can do her hair for school, but you do it for other outings? It is quite likely that peer pressure will fix your problem soon! Also, I tried working with my daughter (when she was in a good mood!) and when we had some time and I tried to teach her the right way to do her hair, fix her part, etc. Now she has almost mastered the ponytail! Try to approach the whole thing as her "friend" letting her in on a secret rather than a mom lecturing a kid. Also, you may want to try to take her shopping for accessories that are easier for her to work with - like headbands.

These are great suggestions. I'm slowly learning to pick my battles as my dd5 is starting to begin sentences to me "I know you're probably going to say no, but...". It's hard letting go. Our best lessons though were learned from experience. This may be her source of self expression. Give her some pointers, and let her do her thing. She may be more inclined to take 'suggestions' from you when she's 16 and wants to die her hair blue.

 

[crisi]

We had similar battles at that age. Finally it was "we'll cut it off" and we did. After mountains of tears she liked her short hair. When she grew it out she'd gotten through the horrid hair stage.

She just had it cut off again, her idea because she was tired of battling it. She's ten now.

 

[mjkacmom]

My oldest was (and is) strong willed. She didn't have tantrums, but she wanted to wear what she wanted to wear. Therefore, she regularly wore, in kindergarten, dresses with mismatched tights, and once a week, insisted on wearing her Talbots Kids tartan plaid christmas dress, with the velvet collar (it held up SO well!). She's now 13, and won't wear anything her friends don't approve - I preferred her at 6! Pick your battles, mom - no one is going to look at her and think you did her hair.

 

[princessmom29]

I have a DD that just turneds six, and I don't allow the constant crying. It is not tolerated in our house. It makes everyone miserable and accomplishes nothing. If she cannot get a handle on it in a reasonable time frame (I give he a couple min. alone to compose herself) she loses something for the day. It may seem harsh, but it is the only way I have found to control the drama, and after about 6 months of this there are no more massive meltdowns. She has figured out that crying gets her nothing but trouble. Of course I do not do this when she is actually hurt, only when she is crying to get her way or throwing a tantrum over something. On the hair issue I would allow her to choose the clips, but fix her hair myself. Her hair needs to be well brushed everyday at the very least.

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

I let my girls brush their own hair (and it they are taking too long for a set amount of time) then I get to finish to make sure the tangles are out. I still do this with my DD10 because sometimes tangles do get missed. For me there is no wiggle room on this, they will not go out of the house with tangles, plus if you leave them they only get worse. I have been lucky, with 3 DDs and all with very long hair (they grow it with the purpose of donating it to Locks of Love, donating every 2 years so it can be short but not for long), they aren't bad about letting me double check.

As for doing it themselves, I know what you mean, for me it it my DD15 who I HATE the way she wears her hair and DD7 who always wants it down even for gym day. We have certain rules like gym day it must be up for DD7 and for DD15 most of the times she can wear it as she pleases but for specific events she must fix it nicer.

I feel for you because I would love for DD15 to be more like her sisters and want to have it look nice, but she is using her hair to rebel so I guess there are worse things. I figure someday she's going to look back and think "What was I thinking???"

So maybe set days she can do it herself or maybe when she goes to school she can do it and when we go out I get to do it.

 

[Manda]

My 6 year old DS has clothing issues, etc. He doesn't like to wear collared shirts, matching clothes, etc., LOL. We fight about it a lot. Right now, we have a tentative agreement (that I have to remind him about constantly), I let him wear what he wants to school, etc., - must be weather appropriate - as long as on the days that I need him to wear something I request (out to dinner, school picture day, etc.), he goes along with it without a fight. I don't request that he wear specific clothes or dress up very often, but he needs to listen to me when I do. The deal is that if he throws a fit about wearing what I want him to wear, his punishment is that I am back in charge of his appearance for the next week and he has to earn back the privilege. So if he wants to continue to have the privilege of choosing his own look, he needs to follow instructions when I request otherwise. It seems to be (mostly) working. I don't worry about school too much, because I don't have to be seen with him.

 

[kacaju]

As a mom who wants her daughter to look neat and kept, I want to do her hair. However, she is really into hair clips these days and INSISTS on doing her own hair. She does not do a good job brushing it, and then she tries to put like 6-8 clips in her hair..all over her head. She's so proud of her hair do.

Am I supposed to let her do it and overlook it, and let her go to school that way? When I try to do her hair for her, or tell her no, we need to make your hair look neat, she rips every clip out of her hair and bursts into tears and goes into a tantrum.

This morning, I said ok..you can put two clips in your hair...one on each side. She allowed me to brush it neat and I figured well, it's been brushed well and there will only be 2 clips so how bad can it be.

She comes in with more clips and when I said no, again, she freaks out, pulls them all out and is crying again. Mind you, I NEED to leave to take her to school.

She and ds go to a Montessori school..they definitely understand the self expression.

I don't want to squash her little spirit, but I need to teach her what is socially acceptable. Or do I overlook this and choose my battles?

We went to a new church yesterday and it was all I could do to insist she wear one of two dresses..so I had to let the hair go or I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown. She went to church with like 8 clips in her hair. ugh!


Everywhere I go, I see these darling little girls with perfect pigtails and bows..and then there's my little free spirit, with her hair every which way and multi colored clips everywhere.

Pick your battles..you have a 6 year old who wants to wear a head full of hairclips. Ask yourself is this really worth stressing yourself out and making your daughter cry over this?

I do agree, if she cannot brush her hair, then you need to do so. But making her cry because she wants to wear hair clips?

Going to a new Church? Yes she should wear a nice dress, is it worth YOU having a nervous breakdown over these clips?

Why is this so important to you? Why is seeing your dd with 8 clips going to cause you so much stress.

Personally I like seeing the *free spirit* girls over the ones who look like models. I think they look cute!

 

[HLDisney]

I have a 7 year old DD that doesn't like to have any clips, headbands, ponytail holders, scrunchies, etc, in her hair (I would put them in and then a little while later, she would take them off) For several years, I kept trying to get her to keep those things in her hair, with no success. So now, she has very short hair. It's not what I would have chosen for her (I had visions of having a little girl with somewhat long hair tied and clipped up very nicely....like all of the other girls I see around us) but it's better than battling all the time over this. She doesn't always like having short hair but I've told her that when she's ready to tie/clip up her hair, then she can have long hair again.....and so far, she's had short hair for quite a while so I guess she'd rather sacrifice "beauty" for comfort.

Helen

 

[robinsegg]

Hi!
5/6yo is a tough age, because the kids generally start wanting independence on things and start testing their limits again (kinda like 2yo or teens). I have a dd9, ds7 & dd>1. Here's the way we handle some of these issues:
1. Fits may only be thrown in their rooms with the doors closed (not for infants, but anyone 1.5yo or older).
2. I put together my kids' outfits and they may choos any weather-appropriate outfit they want (already coordinated). I'm starting to allow my 9yo to make some of her own outfits.
3. Hair must be brushed each day (to avoid tangles). I've never obsessed about hair appearance other than on special occasions.
4. I give my kids *lots* of choices. Having control over portions of their lives seems to make it easier to have parts controlled for them.

If I were you, I'd go along with the number, but style it myself. If she threw a fit, there would be *no* clips that day. We would simply go to school without any clips in her hair. If clips are required for some special reason at school that day, I would take them to her teacher and say "this is for when they're required, not before".
Thus, she learns that fit-throwing doesn't work, that there are some issues you will control for the time being, and self-control. This is good training for life, as her tactics won't work well in the real world.
I hope things go well for you!

 

[Perditamarie]

I have a 6 year old and we are having some of those issues. One thing I constantly remind myself is to "pick your battles". Maybe you strike a deal that she can do her hair for school, but you do it for other outings? It is quite likely that peer pressure will fix your problem soon! Also, I tried working with my daughter (when she was in a good mood!) and when we had some time and I tried to teach her the right way to do her hair, fix her part, etc. Now she has almost mastered the ponytail! Try to approach the whole thing as her "friend" letting her in on a secret rather than a mom lecturing a kid. Also, you may want to try to take her shopping for accessories that are easier for her to work with - like headbands. Hang in there, mama...this too shall pass!

Oh, this is what I do, so I think this is good advice!! Let her do her own thing for school, and any comments she gets from other kids will lead her to appreciate your efforts more!

You also may want to make sure she is getting enough down time/sleep - that is usually behind tantrums at my house!

 

[StephMK]

I'd vote for pick your battles! My first DD-15- was & still is so compliant and girly girl. DD9 (#2) is headstrong & less opinionated as she gets older but a terror in her younger years. It's all about giving her choices. Since you want 2 & she wants 8, how about splitting the difference & letting her wear 4?

You say there is an older sis - can you recruit her to gently teach DD some styles? Personally, I wouldn't care if she wore 8 to school but I understand wanting them to look appropriate some times. In the Kindy class picture, while all the other girls had on cute dresses & fixed up hair, my DD was wearing a brown Bobby Jack 'Future Rock Star' shirt and jeans. Now I just look back & laugh at her independence.

It will get better. DD is now in 4th & starting to care a little more about looking nice while still maintaining individual style.

I'm back in college & we just watched a movie in class this am about teaching kids to think for themselves & learning to make their own decisions. They say headstrong kids are less likely to be swayed by peer pressure as teens since they have their own opinions.

 

[indimom]

My only other suggestion would be to try to get to the bottom of these tears.
You really need to sit down with her calmly and talk about WHY she is getting so upset over this?
Is she crying because she wants to be independent and fix her hair herself and feels like she's failing when you correct her? Then just help her learn how to manage the clips and such...
You mentioned that her hair is a little wild. Is it possible she is hearning comments like this from you or others and is trying to tame it or "cover it" with more clips because she thinks it's not pretty? Kids sometimes pick up on the smallest things and make mountains out of them. If so, reassure her and show her the beauty in her hair.
Is she crying because she loves being different and doesn't want to be like all the other little girls? Maybe she gets lots of comments wearing her hair a little different than everyone else and enjoys standing out from the crowd?
Or maybe she just loves all her hair stuff so much that she wants to show it all off?
Honestly, I don't see this as a battle worth fighting. I'd be looking for some middle ground and see if you can work this out. Just make sure you talk to her about it some evening when you aren't getting ready for school or church and you're both relaxed and calm. Try to get to the bottom of it but make it clear that tantrums will not help her get her way and will not be tolerated. If she wants to discuss her hair, you'll listen. But when the crying starts, you make the final desicion.

 

[MissChris]

I would advise you to step away from this situation completely. It is causing all sorts of stress for you. Think about your life in 20 years, will you look back at this time and think "Gee, I'm really glad I put my foot down about that hair clip thing. Totally worth it."

Probably not.

Personally I cut my daughter's hair short, pixie cut, in part to keep it out of her face and in part because I vividly remember the battles I used to fight with my mother over combing and caring for my long hair and I wanted to prevent it at my house. People think she's a boy sometimes but we get out of the house 90% of the time without complaint so I don't care what people think.

I recently heard a piece of parenting advice that is sticking with me. Only say no if something is unhealthy, immoral, or destructive. I think this might be genius and I'm trying to implement it in my own life (not easy!).

A 6 year old has practically no control over her own life. She lives where you say, she eats what you cook, she sleeps and wakes up on the schedule you set, she goes out and comes in according to your rules. I think this battle gets so heated because it's one thing she can control. So let her.

Make sure her clothes are clean. Get rid of anything that doesn't fit or is worn out. Only insist on certain clothes if she will be inappropriate for the conditions: weather, etc.. (health is a good reason to step in). And then disengage.

So she goes to school with 8 goofy clips on her head. Good for her. So she wears mismatched socks and a t-shirt that doesn't go with her skirt. So what? She's 6. Its not like she's going to a job interview or something. Let her experiment and play and figure out what she likes and by the time she's older she'll be more confident about her own decisions and you'll be way less stressed. Soon enough she'll be a teenager and you'll probably be worried about how she's too concerned with the way she's "supposed" to look. Enjoy her innocence and her freedom while it lasts.

 

[Rylee]

Most importantly, try to get to real reasons for the tears...

is it really the number of hair clips,
because she's not getting her own way,
being teased because of her hair,
some different problem she hasn't brought to your attention, yet?

Also, not negotiable, make sure the tangles are comb out each day. (If you decide to allow her to do her hair each day, comb through her hair at bedtime.)

Only one of my five children really wanted to choose her own clothes at that age, but what worked then, and for the other four, was to allow them to choose their own play clothes for after school and on weekends, while I chose their school clothes and outfits for special occasions.

Another idea, (and this works for husbands that might be fashion challenged, too ) set out 2 - 3 complete outfits ahead of time, and allow the child to choose which outfit they want.)

 

[BelleRocks]

I have a DD that just turneds six, and I don't allow the constant crying. It is not tolerated in our house. It makes everyone miserable and accomplishes nothing. If she cannot get a handle on it in a reasonable time frame (I give he a couple min. alone to compose herself) she loses something for the day. It may seem harsh, but it is the only way I have found to control the drama, and after about 6 months of this there are no more massive meltdowns. She has figured out that crying gets her nothing but trouble. Of course I do not do this when she is actually hurt, only when she is crying to get her way or throwing a tantrum over something. On the hair issue I would allow her to choose the clips, but fix her hair myself. Her hair needs to be well brushed everyday at the very least.

I don't think you are harsh. I have a DD11 and I wish I had done what you did. I did not do her any favors by not teaching her which things were not worth getting upset over, and I did not do her any favors by not teaching her how to get a grip on herself. It only gets harder the older they get. I thought she would get better, but it only got worse. (hormones, ya know?)

About the hair though, I made a deal with my daughter when she was younger, that certain times she could decide hair, clothes, etc, but other times, like church, she had to meet certain parameters. It was a good compromise. Now, I fight with getting her to take a shower! (sigh)

 

[JUJU814]

Thank you all so much, each and every one of you, for you thoughtful replies. I truly appreciate it! I must say, I agree with everyone!

There *are* other issues here. I know there is more to her tears. I actually think some of it is she doesn't have enough of me. I'm so darn busy all the time. I run a busy online business and I'm afraid to confess, am on the computer more than I should be when I should be sitting with her, playing hair and other fun stuff. This has really caused me to sit back and take a look at things.

I think the ideas of having dd work with her on her hair, and myself as well are great.

I DO make sure her hair is well brushed every day. It is very fly away and has a mind of its own. Snippets for kids has this "Morning Miracle" stuff that we do use, and it helps some. You are right, kids do pick up on the littlest things..and even just the other day, for school pics, when dropping her off I asked the director if they would help them with their hair before the pics. Emily was listening and the director, innocently, said "I know, because by the middle of the day her hair is like this!" and made a hand gesture with her hair everywhere....now my heart is broken. I don't want my little girl's feelings to be hurt!

She wants to grow her hair long. I have it in a cute chin length bob now. I told her she could grow it long, but that she would have to keep it neat and wear it pulled back.

Her ballet school is very strict and for the upcoming Nutcracker performance, none of the girls are allowed to cut their hair as every strand has to be slicked back and off the face etc.

It's not that the hairclips are stressing me out..they are not! It's 1) the tantrums, tears and strong will 2) wondering what is the right thing to do 3) the fact that I'm sad to say my temper gets the better of me and I get so frustrated. It seems like it's so easy for others.

For you to say "tantrums are simply not tolerated in my house". Ok. That's *wonderful* Please, HOW can I be like that, and not tolerate it..and yet not lose my MIND. Some parents can just stay so calm. I want to be THAT parent!

Lately I have been saying "Emily, I cannot understand you and am not going to answer you. You must use your words." I have been trying to tell her that she needs to learn how to express herself without crying and stamping her feet. When she gets frustrated, she yells and screams in frustration. This is really concerning me.

I've always been a "pick your battles" mom with my oldest dd, 17, who seems as if she's practically been "the perfect child" in every way the whole way through. Then I had my two little ones. and guess what? I quickly learned not all kids are the same!!! LOL

 

[crisi]

There *are* other issues here. I know there is more to her tears. I actually think some of it is she doesn't have enough of me. I'm so darn busy all the time. I run a busy online business and I'm afraid to confess, am on the computer more than I should be when I should be sitting with her, playing hair and other fun stuff. This has really caused me to sit back and take a look at things.

She should be able to self entertain as well. Do you think that mothers throughout history had time to play with their kids while they were baking bread, cooking meals from scratch, maintain the garden, hanging out all the laundry, beating the rugs, and caring for six kids? She should have friends to play with. She should be able to entertain herself with a book or crafts. She should be able to do imaginative play by herself. She should go throw a ball against the garage door or up on the roof. I'm not saying you should ignore your kids, but I am saying don't take too much responsibility for keeping her entertained all the time - long term you'll do her no favors.