Ot - WWYD - Neighbor Issues

[SharpMomOfTwo]

I have this neighbor that I got somewhat friendly with. We both have girls - each of hers are about 6 months older than mine, so they played together, but she is giving me wierd vibes. Heres the story (sorry if its long!)

We were somewhat friendly, I've gone over her house, shes come over mine (so the kids can play).
#1. She was constantly telling me about this suprise party she was throwing for her husband, and I even offerend to help since she just had a newborn. She would call me all the time about it, and then one day called to let me know that she had gotten some RSVPs back.... guess I wasn't invited. I wasn't overly upset about it because I'd only spoken to her husband a few times, and I was mostly her friend, I just thought - If I were throwing a party for my DH, I wouldn't go around telling people who I had no intention of inviting about it, KWIM?
#2 Then one day I was driving home - The only way in or out of my street is right by her house - and she was outside eating with her oldest. She yells to me from her porch to come over, so I pull over, get my girls out of the car and come up. She is on the phone, and the girls start to play. Her daughter wants to go inside to play, but her newborn on the couch sleeping, so I went in with them. I expected her to get off the phone and come in, and she never did! 35 minutes go by, shes still out there chatting away, and I'm in there babysitting her kid - I finally left telling her I had work to do. She called me a day or two later to appologize, blaming it on her friend who "just wouldn't let me off the phone."
#3 The last thing that happened really burnt me. We were driving by her house going home one day, and she stopped me to tell me about her daughters birthday party - it was going to be in a local bowling alley, and we were invited - she would just give us the invitation later because she didn't have it with her right then. My DH even offered that if she moved the party to a different bowling alley he could get her a discount because he knows the owners. We saw her again another time and she mentioned the party again. I did tell her that I wouldn't be able to go because I had something to do that day, but DH would love to. She never came by with the invitation.

She just called me this morning asking about a mommy & me program we had gone to together about 6 months ago, and never even mentioned the whole birthday thing. I don't know, I don't want to be rude, but I think she is very rude. Did I mention that every time we ever spoke on the phone, she always got off my saying, "Oh no, so and so did something, I'll call you right back!" and never would. She would also spend half the time talking to her kids while she was on with me, always intrupting me. I mean, I have my girls here to, but if I'm on the phone, they know better than to interupt me 1000 times. I don't think she is being rude to be rude, I just don't think she knows any better.... what do you think? Would you still be friendly with her?
At this point, I hadn't spoken to her or even waved to her in probally 6-8 weeks. I'll even go so far as to pretent I'm on my cell phone when I pass her house so I don't have to wave - I know its totally imature, I just don't know what else to do! So, what would you do?

 

[proteus]

I know the type so well, DD has a friend and her mother is just like that. The more involved we got the worse it turned out. A few years ago this woman announced that she would come with us to WDW with her daughter, I had talked about this before so I wasn't surprised. The kids were really excited.

Several months went by and she never spoke of WDW again. It was starting to get close to our planned trip and I asked how her plans were proceeding (we had already done all our bookings). Without batting an eye she said "oh we are going somewhere else this summer". I was flabbergasted. The somewhere else btw turned out to be a disaster for her daughter who never wants to go to that place again (she came home covered in mosquito and other insect bites).

This year the same woman started up again, "next year we come with you to WDW!". LOL! I said "we won't count on it and no you can't share a room with us". The daughter was supposed to go on a vacation this summer, it got canceled with just 3 weeks to go.

You have probably saved yourself a lot of anguish, good move.

 

[thegrimdwarf]

I wouldn't bother with her anymore - I'd have written her off as a rude weirdo after the whole thing with the husband's surprise party, lol. I mean, go ahead and wave or whatever when you cross paths, but I wouldn't bother trying to reach out to her. And definitely don't take the bait on any more parties - if she mentions something, just let her know you'd love to hear the details but so-and-so just did something and she better go tend to them.

 

[WendyisDarling]

Not a friend I would want and seems you feel same. You gave it a go with her and discovered you aren't a match.

I would still be neighborly civil. I'd wave or say hi if out and about. I wouldn't let my conversations go much beyond that.

BTW, this may sound harsh, but could secure your feelings to call it quits...when she was on the phone and wouldn't get off while you were watching the kids, she was sending you a message (whether she intended to or not). She doesn't value your friendship much and she is OK with taking advantage of you. JMHO. Those actions clearly state that she'd rather talk to the friend on the phone than you and she feels that you should wait around on her. (and if you are watching her kids, all the better). Would be different if she didn't wave you over.

You have gone above and beyond to befriend and be nice to her. Lots of other people would appreciate such friendships. Stick to those sorts.

 

[karibritt01]

About the phone thing... a friend of mine does that as well. I just ignore it and know she was never taught any better. If it is particularly bad one day, I say I have to go feed kids, do laundry, etc. and get off the phone.

The birthday party thing... she most likely didn't give you an invite since you know all about it. I am guilty of the same thing. Invites go out to their friends that I don't talk to their moms. My nieces, my friends kids, etc don't get invites since I have told the parents over the phone. Mainly because I don't have enough invites, and don't want to buy another pack!

Keep her as a friendly aquaintance, but don't bother trying to be good friends. It won't be long before your kids are old enough to be friends without you having to spend time with the mom to do it.

 

[NY_MOM]

Just chalk it up to a learning experience and move on. Wave if she does, say HI if she does, other than that I would keep my distance and keep conversation very superficial if at all.

 

[rt2dz]

Well, the vibe you get is more important than the actual actions, but here are some possibilities. Just playing devil’s advocate.

#1) She didn’t invite you to the DH’s party because she assumed you knew you were invited. She’s on a message board talking about the neighbor/friend who didn’t show up when she helped with the planning.

#2) She’s a bit rude not to get off the phone. But maybe the friend just wouldn’t get off. Maybe the other friend just found out her husband is having an affair or the other friend’s mother just died and your neighbor just didn’t know how to get off the phone. Maybe when she waved you over, the news hadn’t broken yet. Maybe the neighbor’s phone friend was building up to it or the neighbor thought they were finishing and the phone friend started up again. She did call to apologize and might be thinking she shouldn’t air someone else’s dirty laundry.

#3) You were invited to the party and said you couldn’t make it. Maybe the DH thing slipped by her. Or maybe she thought if he was truly interested in going, he’d be there without the invite. I have friends that promise invites later, but don’t get around to it thinking I’m already invited so I know.

#4) I’m really bad about calling people back. I blink and 8 hours have gone by. I figure I’ll catch them later, especially if we are just chit chatting. It’s a flaw my friends must forgive me for. Most know now to email. I can exchange 6 or 7 emails a day with one person because I can do it when convenient without worrying about which child is doing what. Yes, I don’t talk to my kids when I’m on the phone unless it’s urgent. My kids are taught not to interrupt, but things happen and kids forget. If she’s not a phone person, her kids might not have had much practice. Or maybe she’s just rude about it. I know lots of people like that and it bugs the beegeezers out of me. It’s wasting my time to sit there and listen to them talk to their kids. But what are you going to do about it? If they can forgive me my phone flaw, I must forgive them. If it gets really bad, I just say “It sounds like you have your hands full. Why don’t I let you go and I’ll catch you later?”

But that’s a lot to forgive and if the overall vibe isn’t good, let the friendship go. Just be neighborly.

 

[SharpMomOfTwo]

Not a friend I would want and seems you feel same. You gave it a go with her and discovered you aren't a match.

I would still be neighborly civil. I'd wave or say hi if out and about. I wouldn't let my conversations go much beyond that.

BTW, this may sound harsh, but could secure your feelings to call it quits...when she was on the phone and wouldn't get off while you were watching the kids, she was sending you a message (whether she intended to or not). She doesn't value your friendship much and she is OK with taking advantage of you. JMHO. Those actions clearly state that she'd rather talk to the friend on the phone than you and she feels that you should wait around on her. (and if you are watching her kids, all the better). Would be different if she didn't wave you over.

You have gone above and beyond to befriend and be nice to her. Lots of other people would appreciate such friendships. Stick to those sorts.

Totally true. I don't think she ment it, I just don't think she has any... manners... I don't know, I wasn't going to stand for it, so thats why I left. I felt bad because my daughters were having fun playing.

About the phone thing... a friend of mine does that as well. I just ignore it and know she was never taught any better. If it is particularly bad one day, I say I have to go feed kids, do laundry, etc. and get off the phone.

The birthday party thing... she most likely didn't give you an invite since you know all about it. I am guilty of the same thing. Invites go out to their friends that I don't talk to their moms. My nieces, my friends kids, etc don't get invites since I have told the parents over the phone. Mainly because I don't have enough invites, and don't want to buy another pack!

Keep her as a friendly aquaintance, but don't bother trying to be good friends. It won't be long before your kids are old enough to be friends without you having to spend time with the mom to do it.

I would agree with you other than the fact that she never told me the time/date of the party!

 

[SharpMomOfTwo]

Well, the vibe you get is more important than the actual actions, but here are some possibilities. Just playing devil’s advocate.

#1) She didn’t invite you to the DH’s party because she assumed you knew you were invited. She’s on a message board talking about the neighbor/friend who didn’t show up when she helped with the planning.
She never told me the date/time

#2) She’s a bit rude not to get off the phone. But maybe the friend just wouldn’t get off. Maybe the other friend just found out her husband is having an affair or the other friend’s mother just died and your neighbor just didn’t know how to get off the phone. Maybe when she waved you over, the news hadn’t broken yet. Maybe the neighbor’s phone friend was building up to it or the neighbor thought they were finishing and the phone friend started up again. She did call to apologize and might be thinking she shouldn’t air someone else’s dirty laundry.
Nope, she was just talking to the friend about the suprise party that happened that past weekend (the one she threw for her DH)
#3) You were invited to the party and said you couldn’t make it. Maybe the DH thing slipped by her. Or maybe she thought if he was truly interested in going, he’d be there without the invite. I have friends that promise invites later, but don’t get around to it thinking I’m already invited so I know.
Once again, she never told us the date/time

#4) I’m really bad about calling people back. I blink and 8 hours have gone by. I figure I’ll catch them later, especially if we are just chit chatting. It’s a flaw my friends must forgive me for. Most know now to email. I can exchange 6 or 7 emails a day with one person because I can do it when convenient without worrying about which child is doing what. Yes, I don’t talk to my kids when I’m on the phone unless it’s urgent. My kids are taught not to interrupt, but things happen and kids forget. If she’s not a phone person, her kids might not have had much practice. Or maybe she’s just rude about it. I know lots of people like that and it bugs the beegeezers out of me. It’s wasting my time to sit there and listen to them talk to their kids. But what are you going to do about it? If they can forgive me my phone flaw, I must forgive them. If it gets really bad, I just say “It sounds like you have your hands full. Why don’t I let you go and I’ll catch you later?”
This thing didn't bug me as much as the rest... I just think its a lack of class or whatever on her part - she just doesn't know any better. Its just another straw on that camels back!

But that’s a lot to forgive and if the overall vibe isn’t good, let the friendship go. Just be neighborly.

.

 

[SharpMomOfTwo]

Sorry I'm posting so much - I just need to vent!!

Another thing that really bothers me about her, is whenever I tell her something good about myself, like the fact that I'm really happy to have found this tennis group, she seems like she couldn't care less. She either stays totally silent, or just says something else, as if she didn't even hear me. Or the time I told her that I had to put our little kitten to sleep (she got very ill) she said "Yuck, I'm allergic to cats." I was like, wow, thats rea cold hearted!!! It just really bugs me! But when it comes to her DH getting a promotion, she won't stop talking about that, and that she will never have to go back to work now, yada yada yada.
Its just upsetting, because I'd really like to have a friend that lives close by. I don't have anyone to just chat with much anymore - my BFF lifes a good distance away, and she just had a baby... shes very attached.... doesn't put the baby down for anything, you know the type, I know the type, I WAS that type with I had my first DD! Anyway, thanks for letting me vent - hey, maybe I'll find a few new pals from my new tennis group.... though most of the women there are like 60!!

 

[Goofy'slady]

I have a neighbor a few doors down from me who I avoid like no body's business. My DD and her DS use to attend the same school and while both of us had issuses with the school, the principal and the teachers I was the only one to pull my child from the school and transfer to a new school. Well, last week she walked down to tell me the lates neighborhood news and I mentioned that my DD wouldn't be attending that said school. Well she acted like it was the surprise of the century and proceed to say that while the kids hadn't even started school yet that they'd already been sent homework in the mail and she went on and on about complaints. I listened but followed up with well I couldn't just sit on the side lines and complain and do nothing.

She's always in some kind of compitition with me, if I say we've done this then she chimes in with they've done that, if we're gonna go here oh it's a been there done that situation. I made the horrid mistake of giving her my phone number and while she doesn't call that often when she does she sure makes up for not calling to "chat" and no matter how nicely I try to get off the phone she pulls the conversation in a different direction. It's gotten so bad that my husband and I now have hand gestures that I make and he knows to start yelling from the next room that he needs the phone to call is mother in Holland.LOL I get so tired of having this junior high thing going on with her that when we drive past her house to get to ours I pretend to be engrossed in conversation with my husband or lip syncing the words to whatever song is playing on the radio.

If this neighbor of yours was a friend of one of your friends think about the advice you would give her and just apply it to yourself.

T.

 

[imthatgirl]

maybe, just amybe you considr her a friend...but she just considers you the neighbor whos kids play with her kids?
i wouldnt stop having your kids play together, but just understand that shes not going to be a good friend.

 

[SharpMomOfTwo]

maybe, just amybe you considr her a friend...but she just considers you the neighbor whos kids play with her kids?
i wouldnt stop having your kids play together, but just understand that shes not going to be a good friend.

I don't think I ever said I concidered her a friend (I can't read it all again!) - I think what I said is that I got friendly with her... we were heading towards friendship, but all this stuff got in the way. And anyway, to me, everything she did was rude, wheather I'm a true friend, or just an aquatience, JMHO

 

[stsomewhere]

I can sympathize. I had a run in wtih my neighbor yesterday.
Last summer, I walked every night around a bike track at a local park. I asked her if she would like to come. She was on her cellphone the entire time.

I realised yesterday that I can NEVER be friends with her.

I know that it is harder to make friends when you are older, but you will.

Two of my good friends are moms that I met when my DD joined brownies.
My DS-10 met a boy in 2nd grade. We really hit it off with the parents. Since then we have gone a vacation together a few times.

I am friendly with some of the moms at school. We go out to breakfast once a week.
I have learned to be open and not judge people. Try inviting someone out for coffee etc..

 

[imthatgirl]

I don't think I ever said I concidered her a friend (I can't read it all again!) - I think what I said is that I got friendly with her... we were heading towards friendship, but all this stuff got in the way. And anyway, to me, everything she did was rude, wheather I'm a true friend, or just an aquatience, JMHO

well maybe she saw that you were become closer than she wants to, so now shes doing things to say, " hey we really arent friends". sometimes people say things without really saying them.
maybe schedule play dates where she drops her kids off to play, or you do the same.

 

[Tigger&Aidan]

I have a similar situation with a neighbor. She's someone that I wouldn't probably be friends with if our kids weren't so close in age or if we didn't live on the same street. She's very much call if she wants/needs something or come see us if nobody better is around kinda "friend"! She'll call me and then spend 3/4 of the conversation yelling at her kid, so thank goodness for caller id (although I have gotten the "I see you're home so give me a call back message on my voicemail.... ). I've tried to distance myself from her but it's tough because DS still wants to play with her son.

So, I decided to accept that she wasn't going to change and that I really didn't care so much if she did. I know what I'm in for when I see her, so if I don't feel like dealing with it, we'll just stay in the back yard or whatever. I'll wave and say hello, but I don't seek her out. So, I guess my advice is that if you want to have your kids continue to play together, i'd be nice to her, but not overly friendly. If you don't really care, then i'd just say hello and turn down any invitation to play or stop by....

 

[wilderness01]

Ok so here is my advice. I will never be friends with my kids' friend's parents. It just doesn't work out. Been there, done that. Good luck.

 

[Microcell]

^^

Gave me a laugh, because overall, the neighbors in my neighborhood get along pretty well, and there is a guy who is divorced with kids that started dating... his daughter's BFF's mom!!!!! Oohhhh the trainwreck that is about to ensue! His youngest went to middle school this year so he has not been at the bus stop with us elementary moms, but I cannot wait to hear how this goes down... he has a new girlfriend every 6 months or so.

We have neighbors that are know it alls, which is just about as annoying as what you are going through (if I hear "Well my dad does_____" I am gonna scream!) but we want to keep good neighbor relations so we just minimize the amount of time we spend talking to them, and at times it gets awkward because they are on top of us telling us what we are doing wrong with our house or yard every time we are outside!

We just act super busy when we can't take it.

 

[twoeeyy]

We had similar problems with a neighbor. We ended up moving ( not due to them but we sure were happy ) Our new house was in the same town as our old house that had not sold yet, Originally we were planing on staying at the old house while we did stuff to the new house but we ended up moving into the new house immediatelly just to get out of our old neighborhood.

We now establish no relationship further than the wave and how are you, it might be rude but I don't want to get caught up in the neighborhood drama.

 

[lirija]

OP, while I can certainly sympathize with being really annoyed at what seems like rude behavior, I have noticed that some people really and truly don't know any better. We once rented a vacation house at the beach with another family one summer. Our DHs went to high school together and we are now in our mid-30s, with a DS and DD each. Anyway, each morning I would wake up and made breakfast for the kids, all of them. While they ate, I made their lunch for the beach. The one morning I woke up late I found her DS eating breakfast she made and my DS sitting on the couch with nothing. I asked him if she had offered anything and he said no! This is 1 out of probably 100 stories I could tell you about this person, all with similar inconsiderate points. The funny thing is, she often tells me about how inconsiderate others are to her in various situations. We don't live close, so these people are in her town. I eventually came to realize she is clueless and walks through life without stopping to think about those around her, and she was not "sending me a message" about anything. Rudeness comes with intent, IMO, and I think your neighbor is just not the personality type you can put up with for a close friend.