OT - Why are kids not opening presents at their birthday parties anymore?

[mjkacmom]

We bring them home and open 2 or 3 each day... that allows each present time to be individually played with and most importantly... we write those thank you's before any more presents are opened. Then we don't have a huge pile to be written. (I'm of the opinion that a real thank you should be written instead of a 'fill in the blank' with the peron's name and gift for our familiy. I don't care what I get, but I believe we should send real ones).

This has the effect of:
- stretching out the opening of gifts so the birthday lasts for more days : )
- each present gets individual attention and play time instead of being shoved aside immediately
- thank you's don't pile up.

I like the fill in the blank ones for kindy and younger (the kids fill them out), but once they get to 1st grade, they're writing out a couple of sentences at the very least.

 

[cuppycake]

Blah. Crap like this is why I don't even have friend parties for my kids every year. We celebrate as a family (pick their favorite place to go out to eat) and have cake/ice cream for dessert. We don't live near our relatives, so there is no "family party" unless someone happens to be in town.

I just don't like inviting 20 kids we only kinda know because they are in my daughters class at school and having them bring presents (most of which we wouldn't buy for her anyway, she plays with them for 10 minutes then never touches them again), then have to open everything and keep track of it all (yes, we do thank yous).

And, on the flip side, I'm annoyed when we get 20 invitations (well, 15, some kids have summer birthdays) from the kids in her class that she doesn't know and doesn't even LIKE sometimes! It would get crazy expensive and feels like all we could do is attend birthday parties every weekend!

I allow the girls to attend if it's a close friend, but we don't even go to all the parties we get invites for.

We have "friend" parties every few years, and only invite around 10 kids.

Oh, and after my rant (sorry), to get back on topic....I think it's rude to not open gifts at a party, but that's just the way we've always done it.

 

[ckdsnynt]

Sorry, I may get flamed for this but, in Ok and MS (only places I have been to kids parties) the recipient opens all presents while guests are present. To not do so would be considered - well, I don't know what it would be considered since it is always done! People bring gifts to see you open them, not to see you pack them up. Sorry, that's just the way we do it!

 

[dyna]

I prolly started this not openin gifts more than 30 yrs ago. As a kid I had a very very good friend who was from a very very poor family an I knew it. So when she came to my birthday party I did not open gifts cause she was not able to bring a gift an I knew it. I went so far as to have my mom grab the gifts an hide them in the garage so my friend would not know who did an who did not bring gift not everyone did.

My own DD's had friends from very poor families as well so I carried on the tradition the one time I did break the tradition an give in let DD open presents a very good friend of hers went home an cried all night because she was afraid my DD would not like her anymore because of not having a gift.

Bday parties should not even be about the gifts it should be about friends getting together having a good time an wishin the bday person a happy birthday.

 

[starstruck93]

This phenomenon is a HUGE pet peeve of mine. My DD spends a LOT of thought and time picking out a special gift just for the birthday child (even if it ends up being a GC, she thinks about what kind of store the child would like). And she is ends up being genuinely disappointed that she can't see if the child is excited when opening.

I also think kids lose the opportunity to learn some self restraint - I know it's a pain for parents to keep their little ones from grabbing and "helping" during the opening, but it's good practice. Also the "skill", as a pp mentioned, of NOT mentioning "Oh, I already have one!" or "Ugh, Yuck!"

Lastly, I'm not seeing thank you notes like before. It's one thing if you're AT the party and the child says thank you to the gift giver. But if you bring a gift, and you never see the child open it, AND you never get a thank you, why bother at all with gifts? I'm hoping I can talk my DD into a gift free birthday one of these years - she also has too much stuff!

ITA with this!! I'm from Alabama originaly and we moved to D.C. back in 2006. Maddox is almost 4 and he's been to 2 b-day parties in the past 6 months and BOTH were at one of those "Bounce house" places. I'm not of fan of these things because they're just like a giant indoor playground and NONE of the kids actually get together and interact like children use to at parties... they just seem really impersonal IMO. Also... at both parties the kids did NOT open gifts which I consider to be very rude. DS picked out the gift and was so excited about giving it to him. I agree.... if you're not going to allow the child to open the gift during the party then say "NO GIFTS PLEASE" on the invite. I also have to add... we NEVER got Thankyou cards either.. .so YES, WHY bother with a gift??? They obviously did not care!

 

[mjkacmom]

Sorry, I may get flamed for this but, in Ok and MS (only places I have been to kids parties) the recipient opens all presents while guests are present. To not do so would be considered - well, I don't know what it would be considered since it is always done! People bring gifts to see you open them, not to see you pack them up. Sorry, that's just the way we do it!

And that's where regional differences come into play! I've never seen a child open up a gift at a party.

 

[LadyShea]

I note at almost all parties we go to (currently all preschoolers but this happened as toddlers as well), kids (not the b-day child) are opening gifts, taking pieces out of gifts, fighting over the opened gifts, and cards are separated from gifts in the chaos, and it is so rambunctious nobody can tell who gave what.

Though I keep DS with me, at a bit of a distance so as not to participate in the melee, not a single other parent says a word or restrains their children.

For DS's 3rd birthday we took him to WDW. Since his birthday usually falls during Christmas break, hopefully we can keep up the no party tradition and travel or do family/limited close friend parties instead, or take DS and 1-2 friends to a movie or something. DH says my desire for no parties makes me antisocial and mean...but I don't want that chaos!

 

[sksjasams]

It's definitely regional. We are in Wisconsin. DS10 has been to many parties since kindergarten and also had one every year since then. All of the parties were out of the house and all gifts were opened at the party. In fact when you book the party place, they tell you the amount of time for gifts and cake, and provide a place to do it. Sometimes, they will even write the list of gifts/givers for you.
I do think it's a terrific way for kids to learn graciousness and manners. At this point, I never have to worry when my son opens a gift that he won't sincerely thank the person, whether he is excited about the gift or not.
We always send thank you notes and always receive them. He has been writing his own since he was old enough to write, even if it meant only doing one or two a night.

 

[mjkacmom]

It's definitely regional. We are in Wisconsin. DS10 has been to many parties since kindergarten and also had one every year since then. All of the parties were out of the house and all gifts were opened at the party. In fact when you book the party place, they tell you the amount of time for gifts and cake, and provide a place to do it. Sometimes, they will even write the list of gifts/givers for you.
I do think it's a terrific way for kids to learn graciousness and manners. At this point, I never have to worry when my son opens a gift that he won't sincerely thank the person, whether he is excited about the gift or not.
We always send thank you notes and always receive them. He has been writing his own since he was old enough to write, even if it meant only doing one or two a night.

Around here, it's rare for there be a place to open gifts, and there's never any time built in. A lot of places have bins to put the gifts in, and they will sometimes bag them up for you. At my dd's last party, some of the moms suggested helping me put the gifts in my van while the kids played (CEC). The real benefit to not opening gifts is by the time they're in 2nd/3rd grade, it's mostly gc's and cash - ds11 received only one gift (soccer jersey), and the rest gc's.

 

[PHXscuba]

Around here (Phoenix area) I've always seen presents opened during the party. Even at the bounce places, they have a big throne for the birthday kid to sit on and the party helper writing down who gave what.

Most all of our family's parties until the kids reach about 10 or 11 are in-home, with only a few kids invited. My big pet peeve is people who don't RSVP, like school friends whose parents I can't call to check, but that's another rant.

I agree that opening presents and being gracious, and patiently watching someone open a presents are skills to be learned. I suppose if we had 30 kids at the party it would be hard, but that's part of the reason we've never had more than 6 or so invited.

PHXscuba

 

[btwitkin]

We always hold our son's parties at a "location". For example, he just turned 5 on 7/5 and we had his party at a place with Bounce Houses and Slides, etc...which he loves. The kids were having a blast. Of course we had pizza and cake and the obligatory singing of Happy Birthday, but why waste time opening presents when all the kids could be playing, which is what they want to do.

 

[LuvBaloo]

Do far any party my DD's have gone to, and any party I went to as a child included opening the presents.
Personally, I don't like it when the present opening is a mob, and who brought what is forgotten. So far, with my DD's, I've copied something my sister did with her kids, and they play spin the bottle to decide what to open. All the kids take the present they brought, and sit in a circle, and then spin the bottle and whoever it points to is the present that is opened next. The added bonus, is that the kids are all sitting in a circle so DH can actually get some pictures of the present opening. Luckily so far, there's been no issues with differences in the cost of presents at any of the parties. There has been wide range in the value of the gifts, but none of the kids have cared. So far the kids receiving have all been excited about receiving and the kids giving have all be excited about giving.I don't have the kids do thank you cards, they thank each person after they open the present. Plus when guests leave, they thank they for coming to the party. When my children are at a party, they always thank the host for inviting them when they leave. That seems to be the norm around here.
I think its fantastic that dyna, simply eliminated the present opening when it would have caused hurt feelings.

 

[mcvixen]

I've been to both types of birthday parties, and never minded either situation - but for ourselves, we've never had DD open gifts at the party. YET.

First of all, prior to this, she and her guests have been waaaay too young and immature to really understand (and empathize) with the giver's intentions and feelings. So I didn't want to deal with the whole "Oh. I've got that already!" or "but I don't LIKE that colour!!" issue.

That being said, at every party I've hosted, we have always spoken to the parents beforehand, and have mentioned that the presents will likely be enjoyed later, do they mind? (Nobody has yet kicked up a fuss about it).

Now that DD is older (she's heading into Kindergarten this fall!!) we'll be opening presents with the friends. Because, now, things have changed, the FRIENDS are picking the presents (not the moms & dads), and she's old enough, (we hope) to show some manners about the whole thing.

So I can see how both types of parties can happen! Maybe it's an age thing.

 

[carj]

We are in N. Texas and I have only been to one party where the child did not open the presents at the party.

We always host parties at places like The Little Gym, Bounce House, Main Event, etc... There is time built into the party to have cake and open presents.

I believe that being gracious, giving and receiveing is an excellent lesson for kids to learn.

My daughter had her 6th birthday last Saturday. Before the party, I talked with her about things that she should say at the party when opening presents. We talked about showing her friends that she was excited about the presents that they brought and making them feel happy about coming to her party. We had even talked about what to say if she got 2 of the same thing.

The lesson that I was trying to get across to her was that her friends took the time to pick out a present and come to her party. It didn't matter if it was something that she had always wanted or something she would never have picked out. You are thanking them for thinking about you.

She did a great job of being excited and gracious to all her guests. I was really proud of her!

I am writing the Thank You notes. She can write well but I think that writing all those notes will be a little too much. I am having her sign her name and put stickers on the envelopes.

 

[NJFabFour]

I KNOW! I'm just seeing this happen now and I while I can see the convenience and even sometimes need for it - it's sad that this tradition might be heading to the way side

For my sons 2nd birthday we had a "gift free" party - all invitees were told not to bring a gift as he had a family party and had already received lots of gifts and that he simply wanted to celebrate his day with friends and cake. Unfortunately some people brought gift so I obviously didn't have a present opening portion of the party as I did not want other parents to feel bad. I would never recommend those parties again for that very reason!

While I truly respect and admire the intention of these parties, it always creates a huge dilemma because you know that there will be friends who bring a gift anyway so you then feel that your child should bring one so as not to be one of the only ones who do not do so. We had a friend with a party around Christmas who asked that donations be brought instead of gifts . . . well I sent a donation and a gift card for the birthday boy and was glad I did . . . because everyone else did the same!

Maybe it's a NJ thing, but opening gifts just isn't done here. We bring the gifts home from the party, and my kids open each gift slowly, and I write down who gave what, and make sure we include this information in the thank you note. I used to give thoughtful gifts, but to be honest, after 5 kids, I'm giving $20 gc's now!

Yes, ITA, and was surprised when I read the original post and all the replies that expressed shock when gifts are not opened. Living in NJ, I've been to very, very few parties where gifts are opened and never thought twice about it, it's just the norm here. Our birthday celebrations for my DIStwins started with a mini-golf party for BOTH Kindergarten classes . . . 36 kids! Nope, no way were we opening those gifts at the party! The kids are 11 y.o. now and we've done a few home parties - a couple were still large parties with many attendees and lots of activities and we did not open gifts but as they've gotten a little older and had smaller, more informal parties, they have opened gifts with the few friends in attendance. DD seems to still get a variety of things but at the last party for DS, I thought it was a little silly to open them as the boys seem to only give g.c.'s now.

 

[Momma2dakidz]

You want a childs perspective? 20 some years ago they would hand out invites at my rich parochial school. my parents scrimped and saved to give us what we needed. Many summers my mom would spend canning and freezing so we had enough food. When i went to a birthday party I knew my toy was going to be less valuable than the others, and I HATED to see teh look of dissapointment when they opened my gift so I just stopped bringing the invites home. I would always be over the top happy with all of the gifts i was given to compensate trying to not let anyone ever feel this way.

My foster niece was sent to a birthday party with a $5 bill, boy did i reem my sil for that one. Thank goodness they didnt open presents in front of each other. It SHOULDNT matter but it does in todays society.

 

[dougsmom98]

I have lived in MA and ME and I have seen presents opened at every birthday party until one this spring. It was horrible. No one knew if the birthday girl was going to open the gifts so we never knew when the party was officially over. The kids kept asking their parents why the birthday girl wasn't opening the gifts. It was just really odd.

 

[disfan07]

I saw it done both ways when i was younger.
I stopped having "parties" when i was 13 after my bat mitzvah....after that i had a few friends to dinner and a sleepover
Before that, its all depended on where we had the party
The parties at our house, we USUALLY opened presents but that was usually the last thing on teh list. My birthday is at teh end of june so we were always able to be outside and we all would rather have been outside playing with water balloons and on slip n slides than opening presents. That said, if it was a sleepover, a lot of times we would open presents after we were all in our pjs and watching movies. (This was what we did for my 9th, 10th, 11th and 12th bdays)...

For my birthdays befor ethat, we did teh parties at places like Bounce U( it was somethign different when i was little, gymnastic places, bowling alley
A lot fo times with those parties if we didnt open present sit was time constarints....gymnastic parties and bounce house parties were extremely common when i was in first and second grade and most of the parties had like 25-30 kids....thats too much time opening presents and the time was not built in 13-14 years ago

IMO...i dont think its rude....if you think its that important to open presents thast your choice but if someone else doesnt think its necessary to do at their party it doesnt mean its rude

 

[deedeetoo]

In general, we have seen gifts opened at the party when parties are at home, but never when they are out at pay for party type of place. I've never really cared either way.

My kids always write thank you notes for presents they have received but one trend I've noticed lately that I am bothered by is to include a generic thank you note in the goody bag that is handed out at the end of the party. I've been surprised a couple times recently by a "Thank you for coming to my party and for your gift" note in the goody bag.

One thing people here mentioned that I've never heard of before is the use of gift card for birthday presents. We've never given one and never received one.

 

[abcboys]

It must be a regional thing b/c we've never been to a birthday party where the kids didn't open the presents. I'm probably wrong doing this but I don't make my kids send thank you notes for people that attends the party and he thanks them there. If they get money in a card in the mail we always make sure to send thank you notes but I guess I never understood sending thank you card when you thanked the person there at the party?