OT: What would you do?

[sl_underwood]

For years, I have had a strained relationship with extended family. Every holiday, I start to dream of escaping the family drama and going anywhere, doing anything but visiting relatives. This year I really want to stay at home but two of my children want to go. My older dd has offered to drive her sister if I chose to stay home but I want my children home with me for the holidays. My husband thinks we should just go to make the kids happy but I know that once again my son will be treated differently. He is special needs and adopted, two strikes against him in my extended family. Only one person will bring him a gift. He will watch the other children open endless packages from various relatives but there will be nothing but clothes for him. He is six and though delayed, smart enough to know he is not being treated equally. He will also be the butt of cruel jokes played by older kids if I allow him to play. I dont want to expose him to this. My family has told my older children they will not get gifts unless they show up (usually around $100 on top of gift cards, etc) so they naturally want to go. This year has been a rough year as my husband lost his job and took a lower paying job so Christmas at our house is very slim. I hate for the girls to feel punished but I really want my family together. Just wondering how you all would handle this?

 

[wdw_girl_18]

I would not let anyone in your family go over there. That's not right they single your son out. Family should be together on Christmas, and if they are not going to treat your son equally to the other children at the celebration, I would stay home.

Maybe you can start some new traditions with your family in place of going over to the relatives house. I'm sure there are lots of people on the dis who have some awesome christmas day traditions they can share with you.

Good luck with whatever you choose

 

[Kat77]

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this issue.
Personally, I would not visit them anymore. I might let the older children visit for an hour if the relatives were local.
Actually, I probably would not even allow that....

 

[Luv Bunnies]

It's pretty crummy that they will only give the kids their gifts if they show up at their house! And it's even worse that they treat your youngest differently. Personally, I would not expose my kids to that atmosphere. I also have a special needs son and if any family member dared to treat him with anything less than love, respect and equality then I wouldn't bother with them anymore!

 

[DawnM]

I am so, so sorry.

I have an adopted child myself. He is of another race than we are and he is physically handicapped. It took a while for extended family (on DH's side) to come around.

DH and I were in FIRM agreement.....if family doesn't accept him, they accept NONE of us and we will NOT subject our family/kids to that kind of ABUSE!

There is no $100 gift card worth making any member of my family feel like crap....PERIOD.

Sorry, this touches a very sensitive nerve with me as we have dealt with this ourselves.

Dawn

 

[Darcy03231]

Here's another vote for you and your family staying home together.

I would plan a nice dinner at home, followed by a new family dvd and then maybe play some board games. This is what we did when my children were younger and times were lean. Another favorite thing to do is to drag out all the photo albums and go through them.

 

[Mom2SamandJames]

I have a developmentally delayed son, and my MIL treats him differently than his little brother. She keeps saying well he doesn't know, but he really does. He is only delayed, and he is not stupid. Not to mention, he is catching up by leaps and bounds. I finally told her on our last visit if she couldn't treat my boys the same, she wouldn't see us at all. She promises our Christmas trip will be better. If not, she WILL NOT be seeing us at all.

 

[momof1princess]

i must agree with the previous posters, OP. it is shameful for your family to treat your son differently and there is NO way i would allow him to be exposed to their foolishness, no matter what it costs his sisters. in my book, if you can't treat us all the same, we will all stay home.

 

[happymommy]

I would not let anyone in your family go over there. That's not right they single your son out. Family should be together on Christmas, and if they are not going to treat your son equally to the other children at the celebration, I would stay home.

Maybe you can start some new traditions with your family in place of going over to the relatives house. I'm sure there are lots of people on the dis who have some awesome christmas day traditions they can share with you.

Good luck with whatever you choose

What she said! They can't BUY your other kids' attention.

 

[mjkacmom]

Have you spoken with them about this horrible treatment? My SIL adopted a baby from China, and she's my niece - no less than any other. She's the cutest 5 year old you've ever seen!

 

[Mouse House Mama]

This may be unpopular but I would not go. Once I saw that one of my children was being treated differently that would have been the end and I would not have let it go silently.
OP- Your kids don't want to go to be with family. They want to go to get their gifts. I think it is high time you sat them down and let them know that their own brother comes before ANY other relative. THEY are a family and they should not be so willing to tolerate anyone treating ANY of them badly. I can tell you that my children are much younger than yours and there is no way they would want to be around anyone that treated one of their siblings badly. That is what they need to learn. You are not punishing them because they won't get the gifts from the family. Your family is punishing them. You are way too nice. I would have told them to F off a long time ago. Be mean to me all you want but do not treat my kids poorly.
Good luck and I hope you have a great Christmas.

 

[Vijoge]

I am so, so sorry.

I have an adopted child myself. He is of another race than we are and he is physically handicapped. It took a while for extended family (on DH's side) to come around.

DH and I were in FIRM agreement.....if family doesn't accept him, they accept NONE of us and we will NOT subject our family/kids to that kind of ABUSE!

There is no $100 gift card worth making any member of my family feel like crap....PERIOD.

Sorry, this touches a very sensitive nerve with me as we have dealt with this ourselves.

Dawn

Well said, Dawn.

 

[tonga]

I'm in process to adopt a child of another race, and no way will I ever allow anyone to treat him differently. I think your daughters are old enough to notice how their brother is being treated, and understand that it isn't acceptable.

 

[kathie859]

This is an opportunity to teach the older ones what being family means. As I see it you have a few options:

1) Let the older two go and send the message that you'll tolerate mean spiritness

2) Talk frankly and directly to the adults involved and give warning that you will not allow your son to be treated so poorly. Equal gifts for all and kindness is the rule If they agree to behave, I'd give them a chance (it's Christmas, and I'm the consumate optimist!)

3) Explain to the older girls WHY you are choosing to not participate in the extended family "celebration" since it brings pain to their brother. If people choose to hold gifts as hostage as reward for showing up--I say "x##$% them". Of course, I'd say it in a dignified, lady like way to the kids

Whatever you decide, to you. It sounds like a stressful situation.

 

[luvsmickeymouse]

I am so, so sorry.

I have an adopted child myself. He is of another race than we are and he is physically handicapped. It took a while for extended family (on DH's side) to come around.

DH and I were in FIRM agreement.....if family doesn't accept him, they accept NONE of us and we will NOT subject our family/kids to that kind of ABUSE!

There is no $100 gift card worth making any member of my family feel like crap....PERIOD.

Sorry, this touches a very sensitive nerve with me as we have dealt with this ourselves.

Dawn

 

[klacey1]

This may be unpopular but I would not go. Once I saw that one of my children was being treated differently that would have been the end and I would not have let it go silently.
OP- Your kids don't want to go to be with family. They want to go to get their gifts. I think it is high time you sat them down and let them know that their own brother comes before ANY other relative. THEY are a family and they should not be so willing to tolerate anyone treating ANY of them badly. I can tell you that my children are much younger than yours and there is no way they would want to be around anyone that treated one of their siblings badly. That is what they need to learn. You are not punishing them because they won't get the gifts from the family. Your family is punishing them. You are way too nice. I would have told them to F off a long time ago. Be mean to me all you want but do not treat my kids poorly.
Good luck and I hope you have a great Christmas.

I completely agree with this. Tell your daughters that even though times may be tight for your family and you'd LIKE for them to have gifts from the family, if the fam are going to treat their brother cruelly, you can't tolerate it. Ask them point blank-- would you rather have monetary, meaningless gifts or the dignity that you rose above selfishness and cared about your brother more than material goods?

 

[squirrel]

I would send the message out that you will not be attending the gathering unless all of your children are welcomed and treated fairly.

I just can't believe how rude they are. I totally understand how you wouldn't want to go.

I don't know how often the family gets together-If Christmas is the only time then I would set the ground rules before getting together again.

If anyone said anything mean or cruel about any of my children (I don't have any) I would pack up the whole family and leave. I don't have to listen to that, and neither should anyone else.

 

[sl_underwood]

Thanks to everyone for your responses. I tried talking with my mom today and she told me I was being overly sensitive and assures me no one treats him differently. This is only our third Christmas with our son and it wasnt until last Christmas that I began to see something was wrong. The first Christmas he had just come to live with us the month before so when people forgot to bring him gifts and said they were sorry, they forgot we had him, I thought well most of them hadnt met him so it wasnt like they were being malicious or anything, they just forgot we had a new child. We didnt encourage family to spend time with him as we were bonding and didnt want him to confuse other relatives with parents. Last Christmas, my mom asked me to shop for him for her and wrap his gifts (as though he wasnt worth her time) and that was the first time I really started to wonder. The other members once again said they forgot we had him. One family member acted embarrassed and gave him money but I still cant help but think they were choosing not to buy for him. We also had an incident this past thanksgiving with a cousin who told him that we only took him because he was a retard and we felt sorry for him. When I confronted the parents, they chose to ignore it, saying boys will be boys. These kids are not allowed to curse, not even allowed to say shut up as it is considered a bad word but calling their cousin a retard is okay in their parents book. We left immediately and other relatives were mad at us for leaving. On top of this, my mom invites our daughters regularly to lunch or over for a visit but thwarts nearly all my efforts in encouraging her to bond with her grandson. When asked to sit for him, usually she says no unless it is an emergency, like dh being hospitalized and then she chucks him in front of an xbox. Am I being overly sensitive or are they just not being honest?

 

[happymommy]

Thanks to everyone for your responses. I tried talking with my mom today and she told me I was being overly sensitive and assures me no one treats him differently. This is only our third Christmas with our son and it wasnt until last Christmas that I began to see something was wrong. The first Christmas he had just come to live with us the month before so when people forgot to bring him gifts and said they were sorry, they forgot we had him, I thought well most of them hadnt met him so it wasnt like they were being malicious or anything, they just forgot we had a new child. We didnt encourage family to spend time with him as we were bonding and didnt want him to confuse other relatives with parents. Last Christmas, my mom asked me to shop for him for her and wrap his gifts (as though he wasnt worth her time) and that was the first time I really started to wonder. The other members once again said they forgot we had him. One family member acted embarrassed and gave him money but I still cant help but think they were choosing not to buy for him. We also had an incident this past thanksgiving with a cousin who told him that we only took him because he was a retard and we felt sorry for him. When I confronted the parents, they chose to ignore it, saying boys will be boys. These kids are not allowed to curse, not even allowed to say shut up as it is considered a bad word but calling their cousin a retard is okay in their parents book. We left immediately and other relatives were mad at us for leaving. On top of this, my mom invites our daughters regularly to lunch or over for a visit but thwarts nearly all my efforts in encouraging her to bond with her grandson. When asked to sit for him, usually she says no unless it is an emergency, like dh being hospitalized and then she chucks him in front of an xbox. Am I being overly sensitive or are they just not being honest?

I don't think you are being overly sensitive. I just wouldn't do a holiday with any of them. You have your own family - I'd just plan things with your own husband and kids.

 

[Pumbaa_]

it sounds like they are not considering your son their family member.

Time for a family talk, if all children are not treated equally, then you will need to distance yourself. It is not fair for him to be treated that way

Thank you for recognizing that he is being treated differently and standing up for him. If you do not stand up for him, who will??

Sounds too like there may need to be more casual interaction now that is more firmly established in your family with the rest so that they can get to know him and the joy he brings to you

good luck