OT What would you do? NEED ADVICE ASAP!!!

[Tiggerlovinggrandma]

Okay, I have two questions I really need advice on. Please help!

DD and SIL are separated/divorcing. DH and I go to pick up DGS 2 from SIL's the other morning. SIL's dad is watching him. DGS answers the door with shaving cream all over his face and big splotches of red marker all and I mean all over his arms and chest. We go inside and and SIL's dad says DGS is playing with shaving cream and markers. DGS asks me to go into the bathroom where he picks up his daddy's razor laying on the counter with shaving cream on it and starts shaving his face..,AGAIN. I tell him no and begin cleaning him up when I notice he had already sliced his little face. Just a scratch thank God. I say nothing to the dad who remains sitting on the couch but later tell my daughter the situation. She inturns tells her soon to be ex and he tells her we are over exagerating.

More forward a few days. We usually pick up DGS at 10 on Mondays and SIL picks him back up from us at 7pm on Thursdays. Now SIL tells DD to inform us we need to pick up DGS at 7am on Monday's beginning tomorrow since "his dad is incapable of watching DGS to our expectations". We live 30 minutes away so we would have to leave our house at 6:30am to do this. My husband says absolutely no way. He says SIL can either drop off DGS at our house at 7am if he so wishes on Mondays OR he can drop him off Sunday evenings OR/B] we can pick him up at 10 am as usual.

So to question # 1: Were we correct to inform DD about our grandson shaving with a razor? DH and I think we were becasue it was a safety issue and would have done the same regardless of who was watching the child.

Question # 2: Are we correct in setting limits as DH suggested above to what we will do regarding DGS or should we just go along with SIL telling us what time to pick him up?

Thanks for any and all suggestions.

 

[wdwfan16]

#1 - I would definitely have told your DD.

#2 - Where is your DD in all of this. Why do you have the DGS so much each weak? I would pick him up to have more time with him and to keep him safe.

 

[stacy6552]

I'm sure I don't have to point out how hard this has got to be on your daughter in the first place. Anything you can do NOT to get into a power-struggle with the in-laws the better.

 

[Tiggerlovinggrandma]

According to the separation (joint physical custody) agreement DD gets her son M-Th everning. Of which time DH and I have him M and Th, the two days she works extra long hours and she has him T & W. SIL has DGS Thursday evening through Sunday of which his parents babysit majority of that time not because he works so much but becasue he likes to socialize. Not an idea situation either way for DGS but it is what it is.

As for picking up DGS, DH doesn't think it's right how SIL is now dictating when DGS is to be picked up with no regard to whether it is good time or us. SIL is on a power trip and seems more and more intent on making this whole situation as nasty as possible for our daughter as well as his son. (He even had the nastiness to invite DD to his new girlfriend's birthday party this past Friday night. Who does that??

 

[sohappy]

#1- I would have for sure told her. How guilty would you have felt if you had not told and something happened another time?

#2- Is there any way to rearrange the schedule? XH and I don't really like each other much, but we have tweaked our schedules a lot to make sure it is easiest on all of us, including the kids. I can't imagine you DD not having a single weekend with the kids! Could they alternate weeks? I think that something more beneficial could be worked out for sure. If he likes to socialize so much, maybe he would be willing to trade Thursday for Sunday or something like that. I think that your DD needs to deal with the issue of Mondays, but you need to let her know your boundaries.

 

[stella27]

He sounds like a jerk, but you definietly do not want to get into a power struggle with him for your DGS's sake. I would pick the child up at 7 a.m. to get the child out of the hostile situation sooner and bring him to your house for the sake of his comfort and stability. And yes, that is a terrible custody situation. Your dd needs to work when she does not have her son, as that is 1/2 of her time.

 

[wdwfan16]

According to the separation (joint physical custody) agreement DD gets her son M-Th everning. Of which time DH and I have him M and Th, the two days she works extra long hours and she has him T & W. SIL has DGS Thursday evening through Sunday of which his parents babysit majority of that time not because he works so much but becasue he likes to socialize. Not an idea situation either way for DGS but it is what it is.

As for picking up DGS, DH doesn't think it's right how SIL is now dictating when DGS is to be picked up with no regard to whether it is good time or us. SIL is on a power trip and seems more and more intent on making this whole situation as nasty as possible for our daughter as well as his son. (He even had the nastiness to invite DD to his new girlfriend's birthday party this past Friday night. Who does that??

Why would she agree to this arrangement. He has all the fun time.

 

[surfgirl]

Now SIL tells DD to inform us we need to pick up DGS at 7am on Monday's beginning tomorrow since "his dad is incapable of watching DGS to our expectations". We live 30 minutes away so we would have to leave our house at 6:30am to do this. My husband says absolutely no way. He says SIL can either drop off DGS at our house at 7am if he so wishes on Mondays OR he can drop him off Sunday evenings OR/B] we can pick him up at 10 am as usual.

Well, it sounds like SIL is right... and honestly, do you want your DGS there for those 3 hours given the situation you described ?

I would suggest that you switch to a Sunday night handoff. You could approach this from the guise of you don't want to have to wake DGS early on Monday am and also Monday morning traffic is the worst and there are more likely to be problems getting there on time then.

Don't turn it into a power struggle... think about what is best for your DGS. I know you are already good at this, but you can't complain about his care and then not take him when he is offered...

 

[Leajess99]

If your grandchild is in a dangerous situation than you may want to consider contacting Child protective services. If a 2 year old child is left alone in the bathroom with a razor and is using it than I would suggest getting CPS involved. That child is being neglected and what would have happened had you not been there to pick him up?? I am not trying to make you feel worse but it does not take long to bleed out should he have seriously cut himself. What is to say the SIL's father would have checked on him in time??

I would also be picking him up as soon as I could.

 

[caroline1851]

You definently should have said something...not sure why you wouldn't. A razor should not be available for a child to play with. But that being said, my 3 and 6 year olds were in the bath and I went in the other room to get towels and I came back and my 3 year old was 'shaving" her legs with my razor that i had left in the shower. I certainly don't think Child Protective Services needs to be called on me. so.....perhaps it was a one shot deal and maybe they will now be more careful regarding unsafe things.

so, basically, out of 7 days of the week, your daughter only gets her son 2 days a week since the sil gets him thur pm through mon am??? (and she works long hours on her other 2 days?)what a crappy arrangement...why did she ever agree to that??? Eveyrone I know alternates weekends. (Not that you asked for opinions on their custody arrangement, sorry if I overstepped)

 

[sohappy]

I have been thinking more about this. Hindsight is 20/20, but in the future, I would make a comment to the person watching the child. I would have said, "Goodness, I don't know how they find these things so quickly. Can you beleive he found a razor? he is so clever, he wanted to be just like Daddy." Then you have actually said something to the responsible party and didn't triangulate it to you DD/XSIL. Like Caroline said, it might have been a complete accident and the other grandparent didn't even know. Granted, he might need to do a better job watching him.

Having been through a divorce somewhat recently (less than 2 yrs ago), I know that anything you can do to work well with the other parent/grandparents helps the situation tremendously. I am not saying put the child at risk, if this is consistent behavior, something needs to be done. But everyone can have an off day. I am sure that I have had situations that would have looked not-so-good had someone come in at the just the wrong time.

I am so sorry that you guys are having to go through all of this.

 

[Steph9072]

So to question # 1: Were we correct to inform DD about our grandson shaving with a razor? DH and I think we were becasue it was a safety issue and would have done the same regardless of who was watching the child.
Yes, you were correct to inform you dd. She is the childs mother.

Question # 2: Are we correct in setting limits as DH suggested above to what we will do regarding DGS or should we just go along with SIL telling us what time to pick him up?
Yes, you are right in setting limits. As long as those limits follow the custody order.


I know you did not ask for this advice. But please have your daughter document things like this. By writing it on a calendar with the names of anyone who witnessed the incident and if possible taking pictures that have a date stamp of any injuries that may have occurred. This is coming from being a step-Mom. My dh's ex-wife doesn't always make decisions with her sons best interest at heart. We were advised by an attorney to always document these incidents. This will be helpful if she ever wants to get full custody. Plus it will also help to establish these injuries happened on his watch not hers. I hope I did not step on your toes giving advice you did not ask for but I sure wish we had known to do this from the get go.

 

[mjkacmom]

I can't understand why you didn't say anything about the razor to your SIL? Kids get into things they're not supposed to all of the time - maybe he had no idea he was using an actual razor. I don't blame you for telling your dd, but you could've given him the benefit of the doubt, and let him know the situation.

 

[Nancyg56]

He sounds like a jerk, but you definietly do not want to get into a power struggle with him for your DGS's sake. I would pick the child up at 7 a.m. to get the child out of the hostile situation sooner and bring him to your house for the sake of his comfort and stability. And yes, that is a terrible custody situation. Your dd needs to work when she does not have her son, as that is 1/2 of her time.

This is what I would do. I would move Heaven and earth to get DGD out of a situation that could be dangerous.

I can't understand why you didn't say anything about the razor to your SIL? Kids get into things they're not supposed to all of the time - maybe he had no idea he was using an actual razor. I don't blame you for telling your dd, but you could've given him the benefit of the doubt, and let him know the situation.

ITA. I would have given my SIL a heads up that the child had gotten his razor. I would nto want my SIL to think that as a caregiver of my GC I was also trying to set him up as a bad parent. That would be one good way of having him try to bar me from his home. Better to be given access and know what is going on than to be honking from the driveway and speculating.

 

[Colleen27]

Yes, you were right to tell your DD about the razor. Personally, I'd have told SIL as well, because it is his home and his father so he's the one with the power to prevent a repeat occurance.

As far as the pickup goes, I'd go along with the SIL for now. It sucks, but it would probably be best not to dig in and make it a battle. Usually hostilities and power struggles are worst in the heat of the separation/divorce and ease up over time, and your DD & SIL will hopefully come to a point of being able to work together for DGS's sake before too long.

 

[Colleen27]

Why would she agree to this arrangement. He has all the fun time.

That's usually how it works out for the mother in custody situations, though, even in more typical arrangements. A traditional custody schedule has Mom juggling school, homework, bedtimes and work all week, while Dad gets every or every other weekend to have fun with the kid. It is a reflection of the fact that we still hold on to different expectations/roles for men and women, no matter how much we would like to think we've achieved equality.

 

[wdwfan16]

That's usually how it works out for the mother in custody situations, though, even in more typical arrangements. A traditional custody schedule has Mom juggling school, homework, bedtimes and work all week, while Dad gets every or every other weekend to have fun with the kid. It is a reflection of the fact that we still hold on to different expectations/roles for men and women, no matter how much we would like to think we've achieved equality.

Every other weekend and Wednesday nights are the most common. He has every weekend including all day Friday.

This arrangement is doomed to fail, especially when school starts. They live 30 minutes apart; most likely different schools. So on Monday he goes school from Dad's then T-TH from Mom's and then F from Dads.

 

[PaddingtonBear]

Hi TiggerLovin,
I'm going to say something not -so-nice here, but I'm intending in the vein of tough love, not flaming you.

I think you need to step back out of your DD's business and ease off on all the support you're giving her and your DGS. I know you love him. I just know tons of parents like you that have raised children who depend on you far too long into adulthood. Your DD has a rediculious custody agreement. She needs to be parenting her child 100% on the days she has him, or re-negotaite. I understand if you want to watch DGS during the time she's working, but she should be doing all the drop off/pick up, all the interacting with her ex, and not leaving the poor child with you two of her four days. She needs to be there for her kid. If you don't force her a little now and set some limits, she'll never get to be as independant as she should be. just my opinion.

To answer your actual question- yes you were right to tell your DD, I'd have mentioned it to her ex, though, too. Yes, you're right to set limits. You are volunteers, not slaves.

 

[bunny]

That's usually how it works out for the mother in custody situations, though, even in more typical arrangements. A traditional custody schedule has Mom juggling school, homework, bedtimes and work all week, while Dad gets every or every other weekend to have fun with the kid. It is a reflection of the fact that we still hold on to different expectations/roles for men and women, no matter how much we would like to think we've achieved equality.

My husband would have loved to have custody during the week. Due to the distance, we only got holidays and the summer. It was impossible to develop a routine. Believe it or not, some fathers love to be involved. My husband cherishes picking up our kids after school, doing homework, reading them stories before bed, taking them to sports practices, etc. (things he never got to do with his older kids). We did a lot of the "fun" things with the older ones but we didn't really get to experience their lives.

To the OP, go with the flow. Don't rock the boat. From personal experience, a lot of times you have to bite your tongue and do what the other person says to keep harmony. The tension isn't worth it for you or your grandson.

 

[bunny]

hi tiggerlovin,
i think you need to step back out of your dd's business and ease off on all the support you're giving her and your dgs. I know you love him. I just know tons of parents like you that have raised children who depend on you far too long into adulthood. Your dd has a rediculious custody agreement. She needs to be parenting her child 100% on the days she has him, or re-negotaite. I understand if you want to watch dgs during the time she's working, but she should be doing all the drop off/pick up, all the interacting with her ex, and not leaving the poor child with you two of her four days. She needs to be there for her kid. If you don't force her a little now and set some limits, she'll never get to be as independant as she should be. Just my opinion.

ita!