OT What Can I do to Help Friend?(adoption related)

[tinkmom2]

Just got back from school after dropping off my DD's and I was walking with a neighborhood friend. She has a son who she adopted at age 1 1/2 from a foreign country. He's now 4. Literally every day the teacher is pulling her aside and telling her of her sons agressive behavior. This AM a parent pulled her aside and told her her son has been hitting her son. My friend broke down crying as we were walking away. She has been trying every trick she knows and trying to help him the best she can. The advice I gave her was to maybe contact the agency and see what resources they have available for struggling parents. She also said she might switch her sons' class because everyone thinks he's the "bad boy." Besides suggesting therapy I don't know what to do to help my friend. Anyone have advice? Thanks!

 

[mdsouth]

I think it is great that you are there for her to vent.
Remind her that she is not the only parent of a difficult child.

First of all, she should go back to the teacher and ask for help. The teacher and school staff should be able to give her suggestions and even help her get assistance for outside support agencies. Your idea for her to go back to the adoption agency for help was an excellent one. It should be a good resource that can refer her to other support agencies.

Another idea is to check out the local hospital. Around here, the local hospitals offer parenting classes for little to no money.

She should also go to the public library and check out some books on dealing with difficult children. There are lots out there with great suggestions.

 

[Bren's Mom]

This site might be helpful to get her started on finding postadoption resources to help. Contacting the agency isn't a bad idea.

http://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/f_postadoption.cfm

She might also contact her pediatrician and ask for a referral to a child therapist who has experience with post internation adoption issues. Or since you know your area, you can try searching for someone in your area who specializes in this.

But mostly, just be there for her. I would imagine that's the BEST help you can give her, to not 'drop' her just because her family is having issues right now.

I'll be praying for her.

 

[msmayor]

I'm not familiar with adoption, so please forgive my ignorance...but I'm not sure why it would be reasonable to think that aggression now, 2 1/2 years AFTER the adoption, is actually related to the adoption.

Many of us parents have had kids that were angels at 18 months (the age this child was adopted) who will show behavior issues years later. This often means problems elsewhere in the child's home or school environment.

I wouldn't be so quick to assume its related to the adoption itself.

 

[Momto4boys]

I think there are a lot of international adoption parents with the same issues so I would suggest she find a support group. It's not an uncommon thing and hopefully she can find the help she needs!

 

[adisneymama]

Is the child aggressive at home? What about at church if they go? Is it only at school? I would narrow down to where the problem is first. If it is only at school I would speak to the school and find out why. Maybe he isn't comfortable there?? Fear will make children do things they don't normally do. If it is an all around aggression the first place I would go is the pediatrician. G/L to your friend. So glad you can be there for her.

 

[Justsyd2]

My first thought, as a parent, is to ask her to take him to her doctor where the behavior can be discussed and the doctor can rule out underlying medical issues, that is, after talking with her son to find out if other children are treating him badly, which would cause him to strike out at them.

 

[MineMail]

Definitely ask the pediatrician for their advice on dealing with the aggression. If it's a recent change, he might have an ear infection or be cutting four-year molars, which make the kids irritable and grounchy. She should increase his sleep -- perhaps he's overtired and needs more rest to control himself. (She should track his sleep/nap time to see if he's staying up too late playing.)

I wouldn't be so quick to assume its related to the adoption itself.

The thread title is a little misleading, imo. I thought the OP meant that the adoption agency would know what resources might be available. The agency probably DOES deal with kids who need counseling or evaluations, especially when trying to place older kids. The adoption might include those support services, even after the adoption has been final for a few years. Many disabilities turn up later, so they might be able to help.

Try giving a reward if the teacher gives a good report (no pushing or hitting today) but be prepared to keep it up consistently for at least a month or two, then taper it off.

Example: "I'm glad you were good at school today. Let's go to the park/playground/have a treat."
or "You pushed Susie today and you know that's not allowed. We'll skip the park today and go home to rest so that tomorrow will be better."



Good luck to your friend.

 

[connie1042]

I am the grandmother and daycare provider for my grandson. He has two great parents. One is a Kindergarten teacher the other a policeman. They spend tons of time with their tow children. My grandson has some major behavioral problems. when we first noticed this behavior was about age 2. She had him accessed at the school and at the doctors. There is a name for what he has, but I don't remember the whole label. He is in classes everyday at our school. will be attending summer school. He can be happy one minute and then be screaming the next. From the time he was little he would not sit for stories, but loves to be read to at night. Very smart, above average for his age. Some days it is very stressful to watch him, because you never know what he is going to do next. With school and different methods we have learned , he is getting better, but it can be very stressful. I would tell her to have him accessed by the school and see what they have to offer. Just be there for support.My daughter has a very hard time when he acts up. She appreciates the support she gets from friends and family. Please do not put blame on these parents. Do not blame the school. There is really no one to blame. Just try to help the child.

 

[mrsklamc]

I am by NO means suggesting that this is what is going on with OP's friend but actually a lot of aggression has to do with the first year of life. Serial killers almost always were unable to bond with their mothers during the first year of life. If this is a topic that interest you pick up High Risk: Children Without a Conscience. We were assigned it in college and I'm amazed how often it proves true.

 

[britfish]

Athough the behavior may not be adoption related being adopted may help her obtain additional services. I know in our county simply being adopted qualifies you for early intervention which will open a world of help for her.

 

[laurafergie]

I agree with the PP that said this may not have anything to do with the adoption itself. If this is the only place he is showing aggression, then there may be a problem at the school that needs to be addressed.

Even though the norm now is to make 4 year olds act like a 6-7 year old in maturity. (Think preK and learning to read, sitting for long periods of time, etc..) Most 4 year olds, especially boys are just now transitioning from toddler-hood.

The problem may be something as simple as the child doesn't like the cafeteria food and is not eating all day and is having low blood sugar - aggression. It may be that he can't sit still all day. It may be his teacher has labeled him, and he is reacting to her. It may be that a child is picking on him. It may be problems at home, and he is acting out at school. It may be medical - it may be related to the adoption and his birth mother's pregnancy or his care during his infant stage.

All things need to be considered and basically checked off the list. This can be brutally hard for the parent, because sometimes it is the parent's fault and it's the parent's behavior that needs to be changed.

This is part of parenting and I wish the OP's friend luck - I've been there more than once and at different stages of my children's lives.

 

[MineMail]

Plus, he's FOUR years old. If it's a full-day program, it could be just too much for him at this time. If it's a half-day program, switching classes from morning to afternoon may be a great idea. Some people are grounchy in the morning, kids included.

Some kids are just not ready for school by the age of four. It might be good to hold him back a year to let him mature. I have a cousin whose school recommended it for her son when he was in Kindergarten. It was a tough decision, but I think it absolutely the correct one. He's a fantastic student, athlete and has tons of friends in school. (Just finished high school with honors - I'm a little proud of him.)

Is the child aggressive at home? What about at church if they go? Is it only at school? I would narrow down to where the problem is first. If it is only at school I would speak to the school and find out why. Maybe he isn't comfortable there?? Fear will make children do things they don't normally do. If it is an all around aggression the first place I would go is the pediatrician. G/L to your friend. So glad you can be there for her.

Excellent point - perhaps a new student joined the class and has been giving the boy a hard time. He doesn't know what else to do, so he's acting out. Perhaps the mom needs to sit in on classes a few times, just to see what's going on. The teacher probably has too many kids to supervise.

The view from the front isn't that great. When the teacher turns around, they only catch the kids who are good actors that can move fast to put on their halos.

My DD always got caught. Slow reflexes and bad peripheral vision, lol. One particularly clueless teacher sat her next to her best friend, then complained that my DD was always talking in class. I can't believe I had to tell a licensed teacher to MOVE DD'S SEAT. When she did, DD stopped whispering, but the girl who sat in my DD's former seat got in trouble for talking. Gee, lady, buy a clue - it's the one you didn't move who's starting the chit-chat.

 

[luvthatdisney]

Just wanted to add that mental problems/aggression can start as a child matures regardless if they are adopted or not. However, there have been some stories in the news in the last few months about this very thing. Do you guys remember the story of the adoptive parent that put the child on a plane back to their "home" country without notifying anyone. This child was showing aggressive tendencies and she felt she could not handle him anymore. Now of course that is an extreme and I would hope others would not follow in her footsteps as she handled that horribly, but it does show that with an adopted child you do not know everything about them or their treatment prior to birth. Alcohol, drugs, etc can all cause this type of behavior in a child if they were exposed in utero.

I am adopted myself and I think I am "normal", well.... But I do know other adoptees that have not had it as easy as I have. I know nothing of my bio parents so I have no family history, I am trying to get it though! OP, I think you are doing the right thing by providing this mother a place to vent. I would encourage her to be more demanding of the school to help her get assistance for her son. There are also many online foreign adoption groups that could help her as well, probably one from the very country he was adopted from. Others may be seeing the same thing in their adopted children.

I just wanted to add that I praise the adoptive parents, they take on a job that many would not. It is just sad though that they have to go to other countries to do so, when there are so many children in this country that need families. I guess the need to have a "baby" is one of the issues behind that, I know there are not many babies put up for adoption in the US.

 

[TheRatPack]

I am by NO means suggesting that this is what is going on with OP's friend but actually a lot of aggression has to do with the first year of life. Serial killers almost always were unable to bond with their mothers during the first year of life. If this is a topic that interest you pick up High Risk: Children Without a Conscience. We were assigned it in college and I'm amazed how often it proves true.

I would think that at his age it's probably just an age related aggression....maybe something he's doing because of lack of sleep or other things going on....but from what we've read about adopted children (we have 3) most attachment is formed by the age of 3, although some younger children can have attachment disorder, it usually doesn't manifest after years of no other signs like the OP's situation.

We have one with no conscience, he tells me he doesn't care for us and doesn't want to be here. He has some major issues going on....but sadly in our area there are no specialist that work with children like this, and no medications to help with attachment. Our pediatrician only suggest a full workup from a psychologist, gene mapping...etc and we've done it all.

Any of the books by Nancy Thomas will be a great read on this subject.....these children can heal but it's a hard bumpy road to get them there. I pray your friend is just dealing with a child being a little mean and it's nothing to do with attachment. Even if it is....there are resources to help.

 

[tink_lover]

I was that mom. The child needs to be seen by a physician to evaluate the situation. Impulsivity is a huge red flag for ADHD and if that is what's going on, there are many ways to help the child.

 

[MomToOne]

While the problem may not be adoption related, it also may very well be. Internationally adopted children, especially those that were in orphanages prior to their adoption and not foster care, can experience a wide range of issues as they grow older due to the lack of human interaction in their early months, which affects many aspects of brain/emotional development. These problems can be pyschological issues (including but not limited to attachment issues), learning disabilities, etc.

I suggest the mother go at this from multiple angles. Contact her social worker and/or adoption agency for any resources they may know of (unfortunately many international agencies - even some of the best - are not very well up to speed on what resources are available in different communities, but you should at least try them). Also contact the child's pediatrician - he should be able to do an initial evaluation, and refer the family to other specialized care as needed. Finally, contact the school system for an psychoeductaional evaluation - just call the assigned elementary school and ask to speak to the resource teacher. They should be able to tell you what can be done at this age.

(FYI - I adopted my daughter from a foreign country when she was 16 months old. She was in an orphanage from the day after she was born until the adoption. We have experienced many issues that I believe are directly related to this as she has grown older. Thankfully, we've been able to overcome most, but it has been a hard road at times.)

 

[MomToOne]

I just wanted to add that I praise the adoptive parents, they take on a job that many would not. It is just sad though that they have to go to other countries to do so, when there are so many children in this country that need families. I guess the need to have a "baby" is one of the issues behind that, I know there are not many babies put up for adoption in the US.

Actually, most parents I know would be more than happy to adopt in the US, including older children, but issues with the private adoption system, the slow pace at which parental rights are terminated in public adoptions, the psychological damage done to children by moving them from foster home to foster home, and the fear that birth parents may try to "reclaim" their children after placement is what usually drives them overseas.

And in the end, every child deserves a home, no matter where they live.

 

[Jynohn]

Actually, most parents I know would be more than happy to adopt in the US, including older children, but issues with the private adoption system, the slow pace at which parental rights are terminated in public adoptions, the psychological damage done to children by moving them from foster home to foster home, and the fear that birth parents may try to "reclaim" their children after placement is what usually drives them overseas.

And in the end, every child deserves a home, no matter where they live.

Thank you. I was just going to respond to the previous poster myself, but you put it much better than I could have. As a parent currently in the process of adopting from Taiwan, it gets very tiring explaining to people why I chose foreign adoption when "there are so many kids here needing homes." Adoption is a very private and personal choice, and we have very valid reasons for choosing international adoption, that we shouldn't have to justify to everyone we meet.

As far as the child in the original post is concerned, I would strongly suspect Reactive Attachment Disorder, which is not uncommon in internationally adopted children who were raised in institutional care. Another poster described it as well. This child could also still be grieving the loss of his former caretakers, even though he was very young when adopted. Many adopted children will also exhibit negative behavior to "test" the parents to see if they will abandon them when they behave badly. I agree with the advice of others who have suggested going back to the agency to ask for additional resources. They have seen this before, and are prepared to help. I would also suggest to your friend that she do as much reading as she can on Reactive Attachment Disorder.

I wish them well, and think it's great that she has such a caring friend!

 

[VAN]

I think the FIRST thing to do is get the child assessed/tested. The OP did not give much information regarding whether it seems to only happen at school or if it also happens at home. Are there foods or situations that trigger this behavior?

I would not be quick on a discussion forum to diagnose his situation.

Also, a sister who has 5 children had the kindergarten teacher go on and on about how unruly her next-to-youngest child was ... how he must have ADD ... etc. She didn't think there was a problem but to placate the school, had him tested. Also she worked with him about his behavior in the classroom. The school wanted him moved to special ed because the teacher didn't know how to handle him. It is a few years later and this same child is in exccelerated classes and has been diagnosed with a high IQ. The teacher was quick to write him off as a "problem" child ... the kid was bored and maybe needed to work on his classroom appropriate behavior (I thought that's what kindergarten was for!!!).

At any rate, the mother should speak with the school and with the pediatrician to find out what is going on. She should also take time to observe during the class to see for herself. In fact, maybe you as a friend could do this as well.

Before jumping to conclusions about it being adoption related, the child and the situation needs some assessment.