OT: To gift or not to gift?

[NHDisneyMom]

What would you do ...

We got an invitation to my husbands second cousin's (I think that's right - it's his cousins daughter) college graduation. Now, they live several states away, he is not close to his cousin at all and has only met her daughter once. We don't even exchange holiday cards with the cousin. We do with the aunts and uncles, but not the cousins. It's not a falling out with the cousin, they have NEVER been close. My husband wouldn't know his cousin (let alone her daughter) if they stood next to each other. We NEVER see them.

So, we would not even think of going - we would have to fly and all the expense associated for someone neither of us even knows seems silly to us. I feel this is just a way to get a gift out of us. I don't feel like I should have to send one. My husband's family works VERY different from my own. My family would NEVER send an invitation for a second cousin's graduation. Heck, they wouldn't send one for a first cousin graduating from college. My family does invitations for weddings but it's usually first cousins, not my cousin's children - unless I know them and I'm close to them. I have a pet peeve with invitations sent out to get gifts.

Since I was brought up differently, I'm curious if this is just something that other families do and I just didn't see it in mine so I think it's odd OR is this really odd? Do you think we should send a gift if this is something that's common? Do people send out these invitations not expecting gifts and maybe I'm just reading this wrong? Thanks for your feedback.

 

[thegrimdwarf]

I think it's odd, and actually kind of tacky. In my view, it's clearly a solicitation for a gift. If your husband has no contact with his cousin, and wouldn't even know him/her if they were next to each other, I'd say you're certainly entitled to send regrets and no gift.

I'm in NH, too, by the way. Nice to finally see the bare ground, isn't it?

 

[NHDisneyMom]

I'm in NH, too, by the way. Nice to finally see the bare ground, isn't it?

Our snow melted back instead of down. It was like watching the polar ice caps melt! Thanks goodness the last of it is gone and I hope we don't see any more until next year!!

 

[ADisneyQueen]

I think that is tacky and just a way of getting a gift. I know some people around here do that. I would not send a gift if I were you. Now, if it was a big party in your town, then I could see them inviting you even if you didn't know them well, just so you wouldn't be left out.
Besides, I don't think it is that common anymore to have a large college graduation party. It is usually for high school.

 

[janey99]

My vote is for gift grab that you can ignore.

At Christmas 2006, we received a Christmas card, shortly followed by a birth announcement, from DH's cousin whom I have never met and whom DH has not seen in at least 13 years.

I sent a Christmas card but no gift. Guess who we didn't even get a Christmas card from for Christmas 2007?

Jane

 

[rt2dz]

Some people include all family because they are family and they may feel not inviting your DH might be insulting to your DH’s parents and that’s the extent. Or the Cousins parents might think it is tacky to exclude family regardless of how close they are—family is family. Really, what it is is just "old fashioned" manners. My family is that way. I would invite my second cousins who I barely know and might not recognize in order to not offend my Aunt, their grandmother. And my aunt would be offended. I would not expect them to come. I would not expect a gift. I would be horrified under the circumstances if they did send a gift.

When I receive those invites under the same circumstances, my aunt (not my mother) would be offended if we weren’t invited, I send my regrets—I do not ignore the invite. I also send a card; my mother would be horrified if I didn’t (and so would my aunt). I do not send a gift and I am sure they do not expect one. You can pick up a card for $0.50 at Walmart. How much effort does that take? It’s good for family relations, even though the only people who care aren’t even really involved.

 

[DevilDuckie]

Send her a card with a thoughtful message of congratulations. I am sure you wish this total stranger well and would like to make her smile. Beyond that, I wouldn't fret.

 

[Mickey'sfriend]

I agree that it was good manners to include the entire family in the invite. They probably already figure you were not able to come. Assuming they were just fishing for a gift is just that... an assumption. Send a nice card with your congratulations and regrets that you aren't able to make the trip.