OT - Thoughts on Discplining nieces and nephews WWYD

[ALittleDisneyFan]

I don't normally discipline others children... not even in my own home. Just once my niece was so out of control with her mouth that I yelled at her - and she was quiet for the rest of the day. Of course, she's 11.. not almost 4.

My suggestion to you is when these things become physical that you remove your daughter from the equation. I do NOT allow my siblings or mother to discipline my daughter (she is never left with them alone... I'm always watching her)... I allow her to work things out with her cousin, but once it becomes physical she's in timeout.

 

[DISNEYFOS]

Thank you everyone for the input. I really do appreciate it.

I don't like to think that my mom plays favorites..but she definitely favors whoever she considers the underdog. She finds every excuse in the book for why my neice is behaving this way and therefore it wouldn't be right to correct her. She misses her school, she doesn't have siblings....I won't go into specifics but my sister typically takes a different path than I and its usually the harder road.

Anyways. I think limiting time is the best plan until they get older. ( I've tried this in the past and I get the guilt trip about how my neice really misses playing with my daughter..she doesn't have a lot of kids to play with) arrrgghh.

I'm sure I would get defensive if someone was correcting my daughter and I didn't really agree that she was doing anything wrong....Its hard for me to believe my sister doesn't thinki this stuff is wrong..but whatever..not my call I guess.

 

[Mkaz]

They think she will just outgrow this.

If they truly believe this, then they are in for a rude awakening. I have niece that has been pretty much allowed to do whatever she wants, gets what she wants, etc. Well, now that she is a teenager she is giving her parents a lot of grief. Now they are trying to back pedal and put their foot down. Let's just say it's not working.

Bless you for putting up with it, and trying to come up with a solution. Honestly, if a heart to heart has fallen on deaf ears, then there is nothing you can do for your niece. Limiting the time that your children spend with her is probably going to be the easiest way to avoid conflict.

 

[Grendalynn]

How would your DS respond if it was your child acting in such a way toward her kids?

I have been in a similar situation... My kids have been held to different stands than their cousins for many years. Granted they are all under the age of 10 right now but my feeling is whats good for the goose is good for the gander. We warn our kids when heading to a function when the cousins will be there that we dont care how they act, we expect X,Y and Z from them and if they can't do so than we will have to go home.

DH and I have bit our toungs on many occasions and have told our kids to not take teh cousins crap. I have interviened before; and will continue to do so. Not sure taht the parents liked it, but I am in charge in my household. Not the kids like in their house. We want them to learn to handle situations themselves with minimal tattling and to be a leader and play elsewhere if necessary. I work with children everyday at school and have no problems speaking to children that are not mine. And believe me I am the first to call my own kids on their antics, and am probably harder on my own. They are mini-images of me and my DH, we want them to present our family in a respectable and polite manner.

DN is now almost 7 and knows that there are different rules at Aunties house or when she is around than when Mommy and Daddy is around.

 

[DISNEYFOS]

we're going through this, except that my son is the aggressor. It's a bit different because I don't accept his bad behaviour, but it's still really difficult because my son can be a huge challenge and can be mean to his cousins.

My suggestion would be to speak with your sister over coffee and without all the added emotion of having kids and family around. See if there's something that you can agree on so that the kids are treated with the same rewards/punishments.

What's worked with us is that both my sister and I give the kids time-outs and we're really consistent with all kids. For instance, if DS takes a toy from my niece he gets a warning. If he doesn't give it back he gets a time-out. But, if my niece takes a toy from him same exact thing.

For my nieces' part they are not allowed to aggravate DS or push him to be bad.

We see each other a lot and this is actually helping. But, this was discussed in an evening without the kids around and no hurt feelings. Just so you know, when your kid is the bad one it SUCKS! So, your sister may be struggling with that.

Thank you for posting this. These children are like oil and water a lot of the time..and even though my child can give me a run for my money..I'm just not used the the agressiveness from my neice.

So with your nieces, if you all notice any behavior that would set your DS off..how is that handled? Sometimes my daughter saying I'm older than you..Will totally freak her out and my neice will scream something back in her face...causing DD to cry. I mean its a true statement..but do I correct my daughter to not say such things?..because its irritating neice?

I know my sister struggles with it..(even though I think she excuses it more than she should)

 

[Benducci]

To be honest, I would start to curb the outings with your sister. If her kids are like this when they are together, they are taking their cues from her. And if you mom thinks it is funny, then there is another indicator of where they are learning their disrespect. The more you allow your children to be exposed to this, the more they are going to mimic it.

 

[NotUrsula]

Personally, I'd just very calmly tell your mother and sister that I am going to dispense equal disciplinary measures to any and all children I am supervising at any family event. You are part of the family, and you (and your children) are entitled to a pleasant family environment. (The only major rule I would adhere to is no corporal punishment.)

I have a family member who lets her child run kind of wild at family events. I know that she doesn't like others calling him down, but I do it anyway -- the rest of us deserve not to have our day ruined by listening to it and dealing with the inevitable injuries that happen. I don't complain, or arbitrate, or threaten to haul him before his parents; I just call him down, and sometimes I put away toys/objects if they are causing conflict or have great potential for injury. It isn't fair to the other children when they have to restrain themselves but cousin X does not.

Kids in our extended family (even this one) have come to understand that they may be called down by any grownup at a gathering, and that they had BETTER listen if they want to keep playing, instead of being forced to sit quietly and listen to the grownups do nothing but talk.

 

[ERMama]

We are the "bad" parents with a bad kid too. Weve told our family we know weve made mistakes but our oldest son is just a much different temperment than his cousins. We are more lenient at family gatherings too which my bil and his wife are the opposite and more controlling of their kids behavior.
In general we do not think our sons bad behavior is "cute" but we have a higher tolerance for certain things than my bil does.
Example, if all the adults are walking around eating corn, we will allow our kids to walk around and eat and not force them to eat that portion of their meal while seated.
Our oldest does have behavior issues and we have been very open with the family about us trying to work on things and we see a therapist once a month (hes 7 now and has been in special ed since he was 3). We really have to pick our battles with him. When disciplined in front of people he will react very strongly out of embarrassment. Lately he will often slap his face or grab/claw/pull at his own skin. So we prefer to deal with what we consider more minor behavior offenses in private or after the party.
Unfortunately it appears many in the family still feel all our sons issues (and those of any kid who isnt a "seen and not heard child") are because of our poor parenting.
We very recently had a huge verbal blow out with some people in the family. Without giving background info I posted a note about why we parent differently sometimes. We are now quite broken off from others in the family and its sad. One did call and apologize and we had a great long talk on the phone about things. About how we have to deal with weekly fits of our 7 year old crying because he thinks "hes the naughtiest, worst, stinkiest, stupidiest kid in the world". He can sense how others feel about him and the looks they give him. He tries to control his behavior but his lack of impulse control and low frustration tolerance get him in trouble sometimes. We believe in time with us working with him that he can mature and eventually develop better coping mechanisms.

I do understand that there are in fact parents that allow too much crap or are just simply, not very good parents. But as others said, just because someone parents different than you it doesnt mean its not right for them.

This was long but I just wanted to try to give a perspective of someone from the other side.
We are open to criticism and have told family to come to us if they feel theres serious issues at hand and we prefer them to do so privately away from the kids.

 

[snickerboo]

Oh my, we are going through the same thing with some close friends and find it hard, but these people are your family. When she's in your house (like the juice thing) I think you have the right to say, "in our house, honey, we don't talk to each other like that. If we want something, we ask politely." When it comes to physical aggression with your dd, I think you have no choice but to remove your dd from the situation. Some kids are a little aggressive at 3 1/2 but that doesn't mean that your dd should have to endure it. Encourage your dd to come to you when there is deliberate aggression, physical or otherwise. If she says, "Mommy, she shoved me and took the toy away, " you can say to your dd, "I'll bet that didn't feel very nice, did it? You have the right not to play with someone who is treating you badly. Would you like to play something by yourself over here? Do you feel ready to go home?" I think, if your dd gets to the point where she understands that she doesn't have to take it, you won't have to say as much. For me, this other child's aggression towards your dd is basically bullying and you want your dd to know that she never has to put up with that. You don't really have the right to parent someone else's child, but you always have the right to protect your own.

 

[minkydog]

Thank you for posting this. These children are like oil and water a lot of the time..and even though my child can give me a run for my money..I'm just not used the the agressiveness from my neice.

So with your nieces, if you all notice any behavior that would set your DS off..how is that handled? Sometimes my daughter saying I'm older than you..Will totally freak her out and my neice will scream something back in her face...causing DD to cry. I mean its a true statement..but do I correct my daughter to not say such things?..because its irritating neice?

Yes, you need to correct your daughter. Just because what she is saying is true doesn't make the statement right. Would you be happy if she announced "you're fat!" to an overweight person? It's one thing if the other child says, "Remind me, are you older than me?" But your daughter knows it will set her off, that's why she does it. Its mean and you need to let her know that. These fights don't start themselves. Verbal bullying is just as serious as physical bullying. BTW--its' not uncommon for the "victim" in these situations to start a conflict with words or gestures. Adults often either don't see the gestures, or don't take them seriously until the "bully" strikes back and suddenly eveyone is up in arms, while the "victim" gets the attention they wanted in the first place. They thereby manipulate the adults around them into believing in their Good Kid vs. Bad Kid show--of course, the Good Kid is always the victim in these little dramas.

I think you're on the right path, btw. It sounds like your sister & you have some "history"--perhaps a little distance right now would be a good thing. You are not responsible for providing your niece with playmates. Your sister will have to work harder to find them herself.

 

[gladstoneganderfan]

I swear you are posting about my niece! I agree with previous posters, it's not her temperment, it's bad parenting.

My DN(4) came to visit over the summer. After 2 days of her calling her mother stupid & throwing hissy fit after hissy fit, I had enough. We all were at Grandma's house swimming in her pool & her Mom asked me to watch her while she went to the store.

Everthing went well for a while, then my DD gets hit in the face with a pair of goggles. I told DN calmly that that was not acceptable. Then, as I'm turning away from her, I get smacked in the side of the face with another pair of goggles!!!

I got her out of the pool & squatted down so I was on her level, face to face. I explained, in a firm, deep voice, exactly why she was not going to act that way to me. Not yelling, not yanking her by the arm, not thumping her in the head, basically, nothing that her Mom did to her.

She looked at me, thought about it, and said, "You're...you're...you'renotthebossofme!" And tensed up, like I was going to whack her.

Once again, got on her level & firmly told her how she was going to act while she was around me & my children. After some prodding, I got an apology & I went back to playing like nothing was wrong. She stared at me for awhile, I guess waiting to see if I would go off on her.

After a few minutes, she was playing with the rest of the kids. I won't say that her behavior was perfect, but she did get better. By the end of her trip, she had really improved.


I guess my point is, go ahead & treat her like you would your own children. She may still be a beast to her Mom, but I bet she will start treating you & your family better.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

My cousin is one of my best friends.. I dont have a sister. When our boys were born.. I just KNEW they would be best friends.

NOT!!

Their oldest is a horrible child, with a horrible personality to match. Their youngest is just the sweetest angel ever. Im not sure what my cousin does wrong... but its something. She is a vigilant parent, but something gets lost with the oldest. Because of this while we only live about 10 miles from each other, I dont allow the children to play together. As it stands now the kids see each other for birthdays and holidays and that is it!
She and I still talk at least 3 times a week via phone and try to do just adult things together. I think she maybe noticing it, but because I am a SAHM and she works we have a very different schedule.
Just cuz they are family doesnt mean you have to be together all the time.

We had this problem also. It wasn't family but a neighbor who we became close to after we moved to our new house.

My DD and the other girl played well together....at first. Then the other little girl got very nasty. I know my DD isn't an angel, but 90% of the time the other girl provoked it.

Now they barely even see each other and DD even says now that the other girl isn't her friend. The other mother calls all the other little girls parents so her DD has someone to play with and I think to somehow "prove " to me, it was my kid and not hers. She plays with those kids OK, but I've seen her DD's personality is a little stronger and most of the other kids are not, so the neighbor girl leads the others around like little puppy dogs.

She's even disrespectful in her tone at times to myself. I like the parents alot but what they let this kid get away with is astounding. And if this behavior continues I don't even want to see her in 10 years. Weird because their other kid is an angel.

 

[Debbie7452]

I swear you are posting about my niece! I agree with previous posters, it's not her temperment, it's bad parenting.

My DN(4) came to visit over the summer. After 2 days of her calling her mother stupid & throwing hissy fit after hissy fit, I had enough. We all were at Grandma's house swimming in her pool & her Mom asked me to watch her while she went to the store.

Everthing went well for a while, then my DD gets hit in the face with a pair of goggles. I told DN calmly that that was not acceptable. Then, as I'm turning away from her, I get smacked in the side of the face with another pair of goggles!!!

I got her out of the pool & squatted down so I was on her level, face to face. I explained, in a firm, deep voice, exactly why she was not going to act that way to me. Not yelling, not yanking her by the arm, not thumping her in the head, basically, nothing that her Mom did to her.

She looked at me, thought about it, and said, "You're...you're...you'renotthebossofme!" And tensed up, like I was going to whack her.

Once again, got on her level & firmly told her how she was going to act while she was around me & my children. After some prodding, I got an apology & I went back to playing like nothing was wrong. She stared at me for awhile, I guess waiting to see if I would go off on her.

After a few minutes, she was playing with the rest of the kids. I won't say that her behavior was perfect, but she did get better. By the end of her trip, she had really improved.


I guess my point is, go ahead & treat her like you would your own children. She may still be a beast to her Mom, but I bet she will start treating you & your family better.

LOL "You'renotthebossofme!!" that used to be my DN's favorite response to any discipline. Her other favorites were "I'm not listening!!" and to stick her hand out towards us saying "Talk to the hand" or "Blah, Blah, Blah!"

My kids (I have four) started handling the rudeness with humor. It got to be a little inside joke if we heard one of her favorite responses like this. A few years ago, I had to limit family event time because I couldn't handle the stress. I came upon a strategy of just reacting to my own kids behavior. If my kids started to "get wild" while copying her behavior, I would react quickly and firmly that that behavior was not acceptable.

It helped to talk to the kids before hand about what might happen with DN and that they were expected to act differently. I would also praise them privately for good behaivor because I know it's hard to resist joining in when there is wildness going on!

It's funny that my youngest DS (now 2) has turned out to be much more high maintainance than my other three. My SIL was openly gleeful that he was giving me a hard time, saying that now "I know what it's like" Well he has taken a lot more energy on my part to become civilized, but he is turning out wonderfully and things are getting easier and easier. Yes, he will probably always require more "watching" but I think( and hope!) he will turn out OK. Am I the parent of the year? Hardly!

 

[davidsprincess]

I have no problems with my siblings getting after my daughter if she has done anything wrong. Especially if I didn't see it. The issue I do have is when I am getting after her and dealing with it and others decide to "help" out by saying something to her. Back off, the parent is dealing with it!