OT - Thoughts on Discplining nieces and nephews WWYD

[DISNEYFOS]

I was just curious how others handle discpline with nieces/nephews..or basically any young children in your family.

My niece (3.5 years old) has always been a handful. Its just her temperament. She's just always Full steam ahead in everything she does.

We've had issues in the past with grabbing toys, hitting, biting, pulling hair you name it. My DD (who of course is no angel herself) put up with more than a child should. I think. She never experienced the type of "playing" in any of her playgroups or preschool that she does with her cousin.

My sister and I butted heads a bit over discpline and methods of sharing toys (I like to use timeouts and a timer for sharing toys). My mom sides with my sister and basically now my husband and I just watch over them like hawks at family gatherings to make sure DD doesn't get hurt.

Lately, DN has been acting very mean, very strong temper. Getting in my DD face and yelling really loud (making her cry). saying mean things, being very fresh to me and other adults around her...and even yelling at my 1 year old when she walks into the room that she can't have any toys. Basically stuff I would immediately, put my child in a time out for, or take away a special item or whatever it took to stop the behavior.

My sister doesn't really intervene when she sees it...or is not really on top of her to see it. This child just gets away with more stuff than I would ever allow. And now my mom says that I correct her more than I should or jump on her when both children were at fault etc. (keep in mind..no one else is watching them like my husband and I because we basically don't want my daughter to be bullied.) They think she will just outgrow this.

An example of how I would correct her... she looked at me with this very mad face gritted her teeth and in a low voice she said "I told you to get me my juice". I said "I'm sorry, I don't respond to that fresh tone of voice, ask me properly". to say I was shocked a child would talk to me that way..in that manner is an understatement. My mom laughed when I told her what she did.


We get together with my family a lot (at least once a week) and I've always been close to my sister. but this is such a senstive topic that obviously she feels we are just playing favorites, I guess?!? WWYD??

 

[abdmom]

Sounds like you are doing a fine job. Your primary job as mom is to make sure that your dd is safe, emotionally and physically. If DN is encroaching on DD's emotional or physical well-being, it is your responsibility to step in. Similarly, if DN is treating you poorly, it is your prerogative to demand that she treat you with respect.

You cannot control how your sister responds to her DD. You can control how much contact your DD has with her cousin.

Don't let them bully you or your DD. Sounds like DN is not only bullying children, but adults too.

 

[Chelley00]

My niece (3.5 years old) has always been a handful. Its just her temperament. She's just always Full steam ahead in everything she does.

We've had issues in the past with grabbing toys, hitting, biting, pulling hair you name it. WWYD??

I'm sorry, but it's not just her temperment.....it's poor parenting. I have a very active 3.5 year old who is always getting into everything, but he would never hit, bite, pull hair or talk to adults how your niece talks to you.

All you can do is take care of your own children, and be as patient with your niece as you can, but do not allow her to bully your kids. You may have to scale back your family get togethers, because unfortunately, your children are going to pick up those behaviors

 

[J'aime Paris]

This is a sticky situation. Parenting styles differ, and naturally each parent is protective of their own children.
My advice is to videotape the next time you get together. Tell your mom/sister that you just need some cute new film of the cousins playing together. Be very alert, and you may be able to film your niece "in action".
Then you have proof to show your sister.
If that doesn't solve it, you may just have to choose he well being of your dd over your sister.
Hope that it all works out!

 

[Camno's Mama]

Can you invite your niece over when her mom isn't around? Sometimes kids behave much better when their parents aren't in the picture. Especially because it sounds like her mom is a bit of a softy. Or your niece gets into trouble enough that she needs to turn a blind eye sometimes, or their only interactions would be negative ones.

You should use a lot of positive reinforcement and telling her when she is doing a good job. And if time outs are the rule in your house when someone misbehaves, then that is what she gets. Honestly, if she is being "fresh" with you...rather than phrasing it as you did, remind her nicely to ask for it nicely and model the phrase that you want her to use. Then, ignore her request until she phrases it in a polite way. (As a preschool teacher (and a mom), that's how I've always handled that stuff, and it seems to work pretty quickly).

Also, is your child contributing to her cousin's behavior? Is she acting different when her cousin is around? Does she tattle a lot? Sometimes that stuff makes it worse because the other one is getting attention...even if it's not positive attention! Try to let them work it out...sometimes things improve a lot if they have to figure things out for themselves. (Not that it's wrong for your child to get upset...and not that you should have to ignore her...maybe just try not to intervene if you can avoid it.)

It's probably something that will pass, so try not to make too much out of it. Parents get so easily hurt when they think that their kid is under attack...especially by an adult. Growing up, I had a cousin with some pretty severe behavior issues...my aunt has never been able to handle any kind of criticism of her parenting. Even if it's worded in the most diplomatic ways. And if you knew some of the things he's done to the rest of us over the years, you would be shocked! But, parents can be very unreasonable in the way that they defend their kids. It can be very frustrating when you are in the position that you are in.

You are right to want to play an active role in her upbringing since you spend so much time together. She will thank you for it in some way as she gets older. Sometimes the kids that have the hardest time in their early years end up as sweet as can be as they get older...they're just working out their kinks now...good luck!

 

[DISNEYFOS]

I'm sorry, but it's not just her temperment.....it's poor parenting. I have a very active 3.5 year old who is always getting into everything, but he would never hit, bite, pull hair or talk to adults how your niece talks to you.

All you can do is take care of your own children, and be as patient with your niece as you can, but do not allow her to bully your kids. You may have to scale back your family get togethers, because unfortunately, your children are going to pick up those behaviors

So the biting, hair pulling was more when she was 2-3. She's about 14 months younger than my DD. I talk to my daughter about the behaviour she witnessed after any particularly trying get together....but I am worried with this fresh talk stuff that she'll want to try it out.

 

[DISNEYFOS]

Can you invite your niece over when her mom isn't around? Sometimes kids behave much better when their parents aren't in the picture. Especially because it sounds like her mom is a bit of a softy. Or your niece gets into trouble enough that she needs to turn a blind eye sometimes, or their only interactions would be negative ones.

You should use a lot of positive reinforcement and telling her when she is doing a good job. And if time outs are the rule in your house when someone misbehaves, then that is what she gets. Honestly, if she is being "fresh" with you...rather than phrasing it as you did, remind her nicely to ask for it nicely and model the phrase that you want her to use. Then, ignore her request until she phrases it in a polite way. (As a preschool teacher (and a mom), that's how I've always handled that stuff, and it seems to work pretty quickly).

Also, is your child contributing to her cousin's behavior? Is she acting different when her cousin is around? Does she tattle a lot? Sometimes that stuff makes it worse because the other one is getting attention...even if it's not positive attention! Try to let them work it out...sometimes things improve a lot if they have to figure things out for themselves. (Not that it's wrong for your child to get upset...and not that you should have to ignore her...maybe just try not to intervene if you can avoid it.)

It's probably something that will pass, so try not to make too much out of it. Parents get so easily hurt when they think that their kid is under attack...especially by an adult. Growing up, I had a cousin with some pretty severe behavior issues...my aunt has never been able to handle any kind of criticism of her parenting. Even if it's worded in the most diplomatic ways. And if you knew some of the things he's done to the rest of us over the years, you would be shocked! But, parents can be very unreasonable in the way that they defend their kids. It can be very frustrating when you are in the position that you are in.

You are right to want to play an active role in her upbringing since you spend so much time together. She will thank you for it in some way as she gets older. Sometimes the kids that have the hardest time in their early years end up as sweet as can be as they get older...they're just working out their kinks now...good luck!

Thank you. I am around a bit when her mom isn't because my Mom watches her during the day while my sister works. I can definitely say that her behavior goes downhill when my sister shows up..so it is a lot of attention seeking.

Thats a good idea to handle the fresh talk rather than look like I'm disciplining her.

I have no doubt that my child contributes to the fights they have..absolutely. My child will tease her with a toy look what I have..or whatever. Definitely not an angel. I try to let them work it out..but it escalates so quickly to something physical with the hitting..or screaming in her face.. and sometimes she just does it to get a rise with no provacation..get the excitement going.

I just don't like the physical stuff..and now this meanness. I don't like you/Grammy doesn't like you..I want you to leave...or I hate you.. etc...which just makes my daughter who is already prone to tears a basket case.

My sister and I have already had a stint of about 6 months were we weren't talking to each other over these two..

I just wish that she would of grown out of this stuff a little bit by now. She'll be 4 in a couple of months.

 

[ajh88]

I wish I had some sort of sage advice for you, but I don't. We struggle with a very similar situation every time we go visit my family - but we live a distance away and only go visit a few times a year.

I love my sister, niece & nephew dearly - but when they walk in the door, it's like a cyclone. My sister just assumes "everyone else" will watch her 2 kids (4 and 2 years old). Yet she gets upset if someone raises their voice at them (Stop hitting your cousin, Please don't throw things in the house, etc.). My nephew is nearly the same size as DD and he can be quite aggressive.

I wish I knew what to do - our strategy so far has just been to protect DD as necessary and to try and keep a handle on rowdy play indoors. I feel so bad though because I really want to enjoy niece & nephew but it's difficult when we basically babysit them for 3 days straight.

 

[LadyShea]

When my in-laws were visiting (staying with DS's other sister), there was a family feud over this very issue. One of our nephews is a disrespectful bully. He is 10 so should know better in my opinion.

Basically DH said to his sister that he would not allow us to be treated rudely, nor let our toddler be bullied, nor allow this kid to lie right to our faces and asked her how she wanted us to react. She didn't want him disciplining her son in any way, and wouldn't do so herself, so for the most part she just kept him away from us the rest of the visit. The "behind the scenes" talk was flying I am sure, as his mom and other sister got involved and it was just a mess.

My brother has given me permission to discipline my niece however I see fit when she is in my home or interacting with my son. We discussed it and as a single dad, he feels he could use the extra help in raising her anyway, so seems glad to allow this.

 

[Tribe0701]

I have used they line "we don't hit/bite/whatever at my house, if you choose to do that again, you will go to time out. Those are the rules in Aunties house." The child is old enough to understand that. Then if she chooses to do the behavior agian you can say "You choose to hit/bite whatever so you will need to go to time out, here is the spot for time out in my house. You will sit there for x minutes and then you can play again." It is not saying the child is bad, it is just stating the rules in the house and the punishment, but you have to make sure EVERYONE including your child is following the rules. It is not good for your own child to see another child break the rules of the house and not have any punishment, it sends your child very mixed messages. This will probably send your sister into defensive mode, but someone has to enforce the rules, and if she doesn't like the rules, then she does not have to come over.

 

[DISNEYFOS]

Thanks everyone for making me see I'm not alone in this dilemma.

The problem with the my house/my rules is that we typically get together at my mom's house. Its centrally located for both families.. And although my mom was quite the displinarian when we were growing up she definitely has mellowed as a grandmother.

 

[donaldseeyore]

Our entire family goes on the theory it takes a village to raise a child. We all have each others permission to discipline the others children and all of us moms (sisters) have the same philosophies, its the BIL's (our DH's) that don't like it. We decided until they actually look pass ESPN and see what is oging on, then what they think on the matter doesn't hold much weight. I am so sorry there are so many families that get all in a twist over how a child should act and what a child is allowed to do.

 

[sk!mom]

We get together with my family a lot (at least once a week) and I've always been close to my sister. but this is such a senstive topic that obviously she feels we are just playing favorites, I guess?!? WWYD??

Since your sister and your mother have made it very clear that they do not want you correcting DN, then I would limit the visits for a while. When we did get together, I would not correct her, ever. If she is rude to you or aggressive to your children then remove your child from the situation but don't say anything.

You can't win this one so just look after your own children.

Does your mom normally play favorites? If not, then maybe there is a chance that your are correcting her too much. Parenting styles differ. You sound like a really vigilant mom while your sister is more lax. That doesn't make one of you right- just different.

 

[ilovejack02]

My cousin is one of my best friends.. I dont have a sister. When our boys were born.. I just KNEW they would be best friends.

NOT!!

Their oldest is a horrible child, with a horrible personality to match. Their youngest is just the sweetest angel ever. Im not sure what my cousin does wrong... but its something. She is a vigilant parent, but something gets lost with the oldest. Because of this while we only live about 10 miles from each other, I dont allow the children to play together. As it stands now the kids see each other for birthdays and holidays and that is it!
She and I still talk at least 3 times a week via phone and try to do just adult things together. I think she maybe noticing it, but because I am a SAHM and she works we have a very different schedule.
Just cuz they are family doesnt mean you have to be together all the time.

 

[JimmyJr'sMom]

My MIL has some serious issues about never having had a girl. (she had 3 boys, my husband was the middle and her favorite.) Always had to hear "Your son is your son till he takes a wife, a daughter is your daughter the rest of her life, etc, etc.... " Well my SIL had a girl 6 mos before we had our son and she can do no wrong. She refers to her parents by their first name. Does not say hello, good bye or any other polite gestures. She is very demanding and does not say thank you. Even when it is just her grandmother and me, her grandmother will not correct her- I do. SHE IS SEVEN. (My MIL is too busy competing with the other grandmother to be my nieces favorite- they jump thru hoops to make her happy) My husband has begun referring to our son as "CHOP," as in Chop Liver right in front of his parents and his brother. It is just accepted that because of their mother never having had a daughter, my niece is the favorite and can do no wrong. ---------Personally I don't think they are doing her any favors, they are just turning her into a brat.

PS- She still loves Aunt Chrissy best- even though I correct her- because I'm the Aunt that takes the kids to do all the really cool amusement parks and playgrounds.

 

[minkydog]

Since your sister and your mother have made it very clear that they do not want you correcting DN, then I would limit the visits for a while. When we did get together, I would not correct her, ever. If she is rude to you or aggressive to your children then remove your child from the situation but don't say anything.

You can't win this one so just look after your own children.

Does your mom normally play favorites? If not, then maybe there is a chance that your are correcting her too much. Parenting styles differ. You sound like a really vigilant mom while your sister is more lax. That doesn't make one of you right- just different.

This bears repeating. You will not make this child change her ways because her parents think its precious.They will have to see the light for themselves and lets hope it's sooner rather than later.

She's 3-1/2, which is still pretty young and to my mind, a very difficult age. My guess is that you *do* discipline her verbally too often so that has to stop. It's okay to say No, thank you, to her demands, but save yourself the trouble to trying to turn her around--it ain't gonna happen and it just makes you look like the bad guy. Refer her to her mother or to Granny, unless you are solely in charge. Granny is going to side with whichever grandchild she thinks is getting picked on, in this case it "appears" to be your niece because she's making the biggest ruckus. Granny's are easily fooled.

I have been in your shoes--my niece is exactly the same way, except now that she's 10 she is just obnoxious. She is the biggest brat and her parents *still* think its adorable. None of the aunts or uncles can stand her, she has few friends because she is so high maintenance, and while our Granny now sees her as she is, sadly my sister does not. And will never see her as anything but that smart, wonderful, gifted(not!) Premium Baby. I feel sad for her future, but it is not mine to change.

Good luck to you. I think I would find something else to do for a while rather than getting together with your sister.Not actually avoiding her, but just have "something else" planned. Talk to her on the phone about anything but child rearing. Try to limit your own child's exposure if you don't like how the niece behaves and talks. And resist the urge to compare the children--every child has a unique personality. (My mother used to criticize my oldest son unmercifully, always comparing him badly to the younger grandchildren--so he just stopped seeing her. Eventually, mom realized that he was a good kid and that the other kids weren't so perfect. Now DS is 22 and her "favorite"--not that he's fooled. He remembers...)

 

[richmond282]

When my niece, nephew, or DD can't share toys, we put the toy in time out. "You can't share this toy, then no one will play with it."

My niece an nephew can act pretty badly. They are wild and my sister doesn't always keep them in check. I try to let the kids work arguments out themselves unless someone is about to be hurt or it begins to escalate.

When my nieces and nephews are at my house or in my care, we use my rules and consequences. Those are made clear from the beginning. Usually they test me once to make sure I mean what I say. After that, no problemo!

 

[badblackpug]

Yep...there is no winning this one. It seems like your niece acts up around your sister because she knows she can. I was in this situation with a friend. Her son was a terror, and any attempts to correct him were seen as "picking on him." My only advice is to continue to correct your own child when you see behavior that needs correcting and if things between the 2 get out of hand, remove your daughter. My friend's son also did the "get me..." thing. ...I did the same thing as you. I just said "I think you need to ask your mother."

 

[Miss LD]

I was just curious how others handle discpline with nieces/nephews..or basically any young children in your family.

My niece (3.5 years old) has always been a handful. Its just her temperament. She's just always Full steam ahead in everything she does.

We've had issues in the past with grabbing toys, hitting, biting, pulling hair you name it. My DD (who of course is no angel herself) put up with more than a child should. I think. She never experienced the type of "playing" in any of her playgroups or preschool that she does with her cousin.

My sister and I butted heads a bit over discpline and methods of sharing toys (I like to use timeouts and a timer for sharing toys). My mom sides with my sister and basically now my husband and I just watch over them like hawks at family gatherings to make sure DD doesn't get hurt.

Lately, DN has been acting very mean, very strong temper. Getting in my DD face and yelling really loud (making her cry). saying mean things, being very fresh to me and other adults around her...and even yelling at my 1 year old when she walks into the room that she can't have any toys. Basically stuff I would immediately, put my child in a time out for, or take away a special item or whatever it took to stop the behavior.

My sister doesn't really intervene when she sees it...or is not really on top of her to see it. This child just gets away with more stuff than I would ever allow. And now my mom says that I correct her more than I should or jump on her when both children were at fault etc. (keep in mind..no one else is watching them like my husband and I because we basically don't want my daughter to be bullied.) They think she will just outgrow this.

An example of how I would correct her... she looked at me with this very mad face gritted her teeth and in a low voice she said "I told you to get me my juice". I said "I'm sorry, I don't respond to that fresh tone of voice, ask me properly". to say I was shocked a child would talk to me that way..in that manner is an understatement. My mom laughed when I told her what she did.


We get together with my family a lot (at least once a week) and I've always been close to my sister. but this is such a senstive topic that obviously she feels we are just playing favorites, I guess?!? WWYD??

we're going through this, except that my son is the aggressor. It's a bit different because I don't accept his bad behaviour, but it's still really difficult because my son can be a huge challenge and can be mean to his cousins.

My suggestion would be to speak with your sister over coffee and without all the added emotion of having kids and family around. See if there's something that you can agree on so that the kids are treated with the same rewards/punishments.

What's worked with us is that both my sister and I give the kids time-outs and we're really consistent with all kids. For instance, if DS takes a toy from my niece he gets a warning. If he doesn't give it back he gets a time-out. But, if my niece takes a toy from him same exact thing.

For my nieces' part they are not allowed to aggravate DS or push him to be bad.

We see each other a lot and this is actually helping. But, this was discussed in an evening without the kids around and no hurt feelings. Just so you know, when your kid is the bad one it SUCKS! So, your sister may be struggling with that.

 

[sashagiselle]

I was in the same situation with my best friend and her daughter, 3 1/2 was the toughest age. I got tired of my child getting hit, bullied etc so I limited visits dramatically and always had a exit strategy when we got together. Anway they are now 5 1/2 and and do absolutely great together. New problem, the siblings. Her almost 2 yr old bites, pulls hair, & scratches my almost 2year old so now I'm having to limit visits again because of the babies. I too have to watch them like a hawk and its draining, my dh and I take turns as well!