OT: "special needs" bus

[playwright]

Hi all - hope everyone is enjoying the weekend. Not the worst problem in the world, thankfully, but how would you all handle this? I was chatting with a neighbor with whom I was friendly (at the time, lol) while she was waiting for her NT DS to get off the school bus. (the big yellow bus) She commented about how my DS14 and another neighbor's child were going to hs now (their school accepts children with special needs like my DS, but most of the kids there, incl. the neighbor's child, are NT) and riding the "little yellow bus", and how "funny" it is that the neighbor's child was upset at first because it looked like (and my apologies if I am offending anyone here, I hope not) a "retard bus" and she kept laughing. I just said nothing. I just stood there with my mouth open. I thought that she expected me to laugh along with her. I have a sense of humor, but I didn't think this was funny at all. I had told her a year or so ago - maybe she forgot, understandably as she is busy with her own family/work obligations, maybe she remembered, I don't know - that my DS has special needs, used to attend a self-contained class and did indeed ride the little bus, which was exclusively for the kids in self-contained. (It came up because she asked why he didn't attend the neighborhood school like the other kids. She wanted to know if he was "gifted", lol. In retrospect, I don't really think she thought he was gifted, just wanted answers. Several of my other neighbors asked the same question, and I have always answered their questions about DS' disability openly and honestly - and politely, I try anyway - as I can.)Anyway, sorry to go on and on about this, but (and it's not just about my DS but all kids with special needs) I just don't like it when people refer to the little bus as a "retard" bus. It sounds like they are making fun of and putting down children with special needs. What purpose do comments like that serve? Yes, the little buses are usually for the children with disabilities, but some are for nursery schools and private schools with NT kids. I wish I could remember where I first heard this statement, so I could give credit where it's due but - and I'm paraphrasing here -that children with disabilities are first and foremost, children. Growing up, I had a relative and friend with Down's Syndrome, and I played with them like I did with my other friends. They liked sports, for example, just like the NT kids. My Mom and I worked with autistic kids, and we got to know them. I was exposed to all kinds of people, and learned to respect them as people. Am I being too sensitive? I don't know if my neighbor was intentionally being insensitive, but I wondered if she would joke about the "retard bus" if her child had special needs. I watched her DS get off the bus and I thought that she should feel fortunate that her child is well adjusted, healthy and happy and doesn't have special needs. Are some people just rarely or never exposed to kids with special needs so they misunderstand and make fun of them? I feel that my neighbors have it good - they live in these lovely homes, their kids are all NT and go to the highly-rated neighborhood schools. (Yes, they work hard and pay taxes for them, I know.) Am I jealous of families with NT kids? Right or wrong, you bet I am! I love DS - he is a good kid. It's the school district and the doctors that drive me batty. Year after year, I have to constantly fight for my DS to get services from the district - it never ends. Our finances are drained from seeing neurologists, etc. And we have it "good" as opposed to what some families go through, I shouldn't complain. Do the NT families have a clue as to what it's like? I'm sorry that I'm rambling and venting again. We been here 11 years and have no real friends in the neighborhood, although we've tried and tried, extending invitations, etc., over the years. We can't afford to move. We don't really "fit in" and having the only kid who's not NT in the neighborhood is just the icing on the cake, really. I smile and say hello, sometimes they smile back and make small talk, that's as good as it gets. Not what we'd hoped for when we moved here. How do you guys react when some one uses the word "retard" or "slow" or whatever term? When one of the moms (who knows my DS has special needs) says that they don't want inclusion classes because the "slow kids" will slow the others down? Do you get along with your neighbors? Do you volunteer information about your child's disability or only if they ask questions? Thanks for listening, guys.

 

[LindsayDunn228]

What does NT mean??

Also, would you mind adding a few paragraph breaks in your post?? I wouldn't want people to skip over it because it was hard to read

As far as your neighbor, get used to hearing smart***ed comments like this. It won't be the last time. It's best to develop a thick skin now. I'm not trying to defend your neighbor, she was definitely rude.

 

[Schmeck]

Yes, the stigma of "the short yellow bus" has been around for generations, and many parents in my town will drive their children to school even if they qualify for bus service from the special education department, as they don't want their kids on "that bus".

Luckily, our town has just purchased a fleet of white vans that are multi-purpose. They are used not only to pick up the children from the SpEd program that qualify for transportation, they are also used for field trips when there are only a few students going, and the golf team, math team, and cheerleaders use the vans to get to their competitions/meets/games. Hopefully we'll have a new generation in town that has no idea what the wisecracks about "the short yellow bus" mean.

About the nosy, cruel neighbors - we had to wait 8 years for our nastiest neighbors to move away. We just stopped talking to them after a while. They were always looking for someone to pick on, and my girls were always getting "set up" by their kids to get into trouble.

The worst thing my neighbors did? Every time that another neighbor, with cystic fibrosis, went into the hospital for an infection, my nasty neighbor would declare that she was on 'death's door' and that she wouldn't make it out alive. The woman with CF is still going strong today...

 

[Tissa]

Calling it the retard bus just shows her lack of class and understanding and really makes her look like the one with problems.

I am proud to say I have two boys that ride the little yellow bus. Having a disability or having children with disabilities is nothing to be ashamed of. I teach my boys to hold their heads up high and be proud of what they can do and not worry about what others think they can't do because of appearances.

 

[mikkiwikki]

Someone asked - NT is NEUROTYPICAL.

Being a mother of a child with special needs - if she stated that in my presence....I would flatly ask her if she knew how ignorant that comment makes her appear to you. Then I would go on to ask her what the scientific definition of mental retardation was. Hopefully you could leave her with her jaw hanging open....

Yes indeed ignorance is bliss, and people that behave this way simply dont want to expend the mental energy to understand.

I wonder if she tolerates racist slurs as well as slurs about disability.
Its amazing to me how the R****** word is tolerated by educated persons, where if you ever used a similr racist slur...people generally would be horrified.

When you hear comments like this it promotes the idea that people with disabilities are somehow LESS of a human being in their eyes. Ask them point blank if that is what they believe. As hard as it is ....and you dont want to come off as a nazi....the only way the stigmatism is going to go away is with eliminating the ignorance that is out there.....You've been nominated to become MLK (martin luther king) as it pertains to disabilities.....ignorance breeds fear.

 

[MightyMom]

Ignorance breeds fear.

Remember that......and repeat it often when you run into an ignorant person.
People are afraid of what they do not know.....in turn they'll make jokes, avoid the situation or act out in anger.

In this case, you're neighbor made a joke. I'm sure she didn't mean to be cruel..... she's just ignorant. In many ways she's more disabled than your son.

I have a friend who has a severely disabled daughter. She would frequently use the word "retarded" as an insult. I told her it was crass for her to use that phrase, especially because her daughter had mental retardation. She didn't care and CONTINUES to use that phrase. I've distanced myself from her over the years because being around her made me uncomfortable on many levels.

As far as not having friends in your neighborhod. BIG DEAL! I've lived in this home since 1997 and I don't have a single friend. BUT.... I have many friends in the community because of something I did six years ago.

I started a support group called Milestones for Moms. It was the smartest thing I've ever did and I've gained some very strong friendships and vast amount of knowledge and emotional strength. It helps to find people who understand your fight.

Good luck to you. I hear you're pain and I hope you'll find peace.

 

[Karalynn]

I can understand your feelings, so no I don't think you are over reacting. Take this as an opportunity to think about what you would have said if you were prepared for the comment, so next time someone throws one out at you, you have a comeback!! No, it doesn't have to be mean, but in my experience, most people do not have the wonderful privledge of knowing anyone with disabilites therefore they don't understand. Like the previous posters stated, they fear the unknown. Silly as it sounds to us!! People are people.....and most especially, kids are kids!!

As far as making friends in the neighborhood, It sounds like they wouldn't be very good friends anyway!! I am fortunate that I have a couple of great neighbors who have been very supportive, but I also have a few friends that I have met over the years thru support groups, conferences, etc; that are moms to kids with special needs that I can easily pick up the phone and vent to when the school is giving me a hard time, or some kid made fun of mine, or I am just feeling like the world is against us!! Lets not forget the DIS board!!

Keep your chin up, and never worry about venting here, we all get it!!


to you!!

 

[tw1nsmom]

I wonder sometimes if it's not just ignorance, rudeness and cruelty (and those comments are all of those things), but also insecurity.

It seems as though we have such a phenomenally competitive and superficial society that parents have made these inner competitions. I feel as though those parents that make those aweful derogetory statements are saying to themselves "hmm, well my kid is rude, lazy, and is being suspended for fighting, but at least he/she isn't on the r***** bus." It's pathetic. I live in that kind of community too.

Well, I'll take my sweet, loving, generous, challenged son any day of the week (as well as my feisty NT daughter) over any child that was raised in a family with that mentality.

 

[goofy4tink]

Yikes!! I had to come and see what the heck that post was about!!! Yep, it was what I thought it was. A few observations here. My ds, now 34, worked with the mentally/physically challenged adults in a 'home' for about 3 years. So, we have been 'educated' on what to say and most especially what not to say. I like to think our family is pretty informed when it comes to anything to do with any kind of disability. But...my dd, 30, when she saw that my dd, now 13, was going on the 'short bus' she asked why her sister was riding to school on the 'nutty' bus. I thought I was going to kill her!!! Now, my 13 y/o is 'normal', has no disabilities. They use three short buses here in our town for the shorter routes. Dd was on that bus for 3 years. It's still hard to imagine that so much ignorance is out there. If a member of my own family could say something idiotic like that I can well imagine how someone without our experiences could say it.

I think I would have just said something about the incorrectness of your neighbors statement. Then said something about how I didn't think of my child as a 'retard', that is was a hurtful thing to say. It just boggles my mind that people are still this way. Children are children...they come in many different varieties. My dd, the 13 y/o, has had some wonderful learning experiences having some disabled kids in her classes. She has learned empathy, sensitivity, and that there is nothing to fear from those who may not be the same as us. That everyone has something 'different' about them.

I'm so sorry you had this happen to you.

 

[Selket]

My kids are both "NT" I guess (if I understand what you mean by that! not with learning issues) and it really does floor me that folks still tolerate the word "retarded" being banded about as an insult. I think it should be put up there with some of the racist language that most people wouldn't dare use. Of course people use retarded as a way to describe children with special needs and they don't mean offense by it. But I think most of us can remember (and still hear) kids calling other kids "retard" and so forth. That is definitely meant as an insult and that is the way your neighbor used it.

I have counseled my older (school age) child not to say it or tolerate being called that either. He goes to a public school which is one of the few in our county that has a program for autistic children. The children I've seen seem to have significant difficulties and delays but there may be others who do not - I'm not sure. And I'm not sure because up until this year pretty much those children were kept separated in a different part of the building in their own classes. I didn't even meet the parents often because they separate events and teachers, etc. Like a school within a school.

However this year the school is one of the first in our county to integrate these students into regular classes. All of the special education teachers now work both in the regular classroom and in small groups with those who need it. Children who need to be pulled out for other instruction are pulled out. As it happens the students often split up into separate groups among the teachers depending on abilities. I think it is a great program and a wonderful idea. I can tell however, that the principal, every time he talks about it, is somewhat defensive and expecting problems. I hope he is not getting negative feedback. As it turns out they've added so many extra teachers to the upper classes (4th and 5th grades) to work with the kids that there is now something like 1 teacher to every 5 students. I have to remember to let him know that I support the idea and the time they need to make it work.

I don't have suggestions on how to handle your neighbors. I think I would be dumbfounded as well. Or maybe I would just have went off on her - that comment would have really ticked me off! Is your child now in the same high school as her kids? I think anything you can do to work with other parents of special needs kids to integrate the classes and get the attention your kids need in the school system is a great idea.

 

[barrie]

I wish I could remember where I first heard this statement, so I could give credit where it's due but - and I'm paraphrasing here -that children with disabilities are first and foremost, children.

Playright - What you are referring to above is called "People First Language". Kathie Snow has a great article on her website about it. You might even want to share it with your neighbor. There is a group called "People First" which is a self-advocacy group for adults with developmental disabilities. I believe they were the first to say - we are people, first.

What a drag for her to have said that to you. I don't think people are intentionally cruel but so many are ignorant. That word has become very "hip" recently. I hear it all the time on tv. Kids (and adults) use it constantly. Everyone seems to be so desensitized to it - well, not everyone! It's like people don't understand or think about where the word came from and the history of how it's been used to hurt people - they just use it without thinking, with as much ease as if they were saying the word flower. It's morphed into a slang word that is used to describe anything that is stupid or odd. I know people who are very conscious, caring people who I've heard use the word in this way. They just didn't make the connection until I explained it to them.

I don't know if you saw this post or not, but that first poster was designed to educate people about this particular issue. It's turned out to be a really good way to start the conversation with kids and adults about what is wrong with using that word. I try to remember that most people do not intend to do harm. When trying to talk to someone about this I try to touch their heart first, to make a connection with them. Then its easier to work on educating them. Good luck with your neighbor.

Barrie

 

[mbb]

....hear it all the time on tv. Kids (and adults) use it constantly. Everyone seems to be so desensitized to it - well, not everyone! ....

We've become so desensitized to so many things.

A suggestion for the next time we hear someone using the phrase:
"Perhaps you meant to say 'that's ridiculous' ".

I'll usually get a blank look, and then they carry-on, but sometimes, someone will say, thoughtfully, yes, *that's* what I meant to say.

There's a thread over on the Community Board, with a link to a timed game to test your knowledge about the location of all the states...if you fail the test, a message pops up "the short bus is coming to pick you up".

We were playing the game with our kids, it's a great way to learn the geography of our neighbouring nation, and our children asked what the short bus was when the message popped up (I didn't do as well as I thought I would)

Sadly, we explained to them about how it's a silly person's way to be funny.

And it's not.

to you all.

 

[mikkiwikki]

. That word has become very "hip" recently. I hear it all the time on tv. Kids (and adults) use it constantly. Everyone seems to be so desensitized to it - well, not everyone! Barrie

Yes I would agree - I saw one of the hosts of that WOMEN's show the View - talking about some actor who was dressed oddly - and used that phase. I assume they thought it was "spicey" or somehow funny. Clearly if every time you hear that word if you substituted a racist slur its clear how UNfunny it is.

I think its important that people let others know its not ok.....I swiftly sent many emails as well as a letter to the producer about that comment.

 

[my4kids]

I feel for you. When I was growing up I rode the "big yellow bus" to my school with one of my brothers. Every afternoon, when we would get dropped off at our stop (there were many kids on our bus stop) the short little bus would pull up behind and drop off my other 2 brothers (identical twins with identical disabilities) The kids did not know their disabilities to look at them (mostly severe learning problems) and every day of elementary school, my brother and I would have to listen to the screams "here comes the retard bus!" "hey retards" (as they would wave) My brother and I would just have to sit there with tears in our eyes waiting for our brothers to get off, so we could walk home together and try and ignore the kids yelling "Hey why do your brothers ride the retard bus? - they don't LOOK retarded".


I guess it took about 2 years until my older brother had had enough of it and pummeled a kid. (things were a lttle better after that )

 

[my4kids]

Yes I would agree - I saw one of the hosts of that WOMEN's show the View - talking about some actor who was dressed oddly - and used that phase. I assume they thought it was "spicey" or somehow funny. Clearly if every time you hear that word if you substituted a racist slur its clear how UNfunny it is.

I think its important that people let others know its not ok.....I swiftly sent many emails as well as a letter to the producer about that comment.

Let me guess - Joy Behar - the overly annoying overweight reddish haired one? I have heard her use that word 100 times. She uses it in place of "different" or "something she doesn't care for" or "odd". She is an idiot. To me, that is the best singnal of extreme lack of intelligence or tact - when someone uses that word casually. Why doesn't she just say "odd". She would never say "I got so tan I looked like a (insert horrible racial word here), but she would think NOTHING of saying " I was so tan looked really retarded". Yep, she is an idiot.

 

[LisaBi]

My DS has DS (Down Syndrome).

You've definitely hit on a hot button. Whenever someone makes reference to "he must ride the short bus" (as a put down to a "normal" person), or uses the word "retard" as a similar put down, or refers to something, like a stupid rule, as "retarded" they get the full impact of my anger. I have NO tolerance for those lightly throw around those terms.

I'd love some GOOD comebacks for these folks. It stings ever more when it's people who know me, and my son, well, and still persist in using the slang.

Lisa

 

[my4kids]

My DS has DS (Down Syndrome).

You've definitely hit on a hot button. Whenever someone makes reference to "he must ride the short bus" (as a put down to a "normal" person), or uses the word "retard" as a similar put down, or refers to something, like a stupid rule, as "retarded" they get the full impact of my anger. I have NO tolerance for those lightly throw around those terms.

I'd love some GOOD comebacks for these folks. It stings ever more when it's people who know me, and my son, well, and still persist in using the slang.

Lisa

I don't think there is a quick easy comeback, but I have been known to act dumb and confused about what they are saying. I will say "I don't understand, how could it be retarded? - Isn't that a mental disability that some some suffer from? How could that rule be suffering from a mental disability?" It does 1 of 2 things, makes the person realize they sound stupid and they correct themselves, or if they truly are stupid, they just think I am a condescending B*&@ and avoid me in the future...either way I win.

 

[playwright]

I'll try to use paragraphs here, Lindsay (thanks for the suggestion) but I'm tired and rushed. I'll try to be brief. I always start planning to write something short and sweet and then it turns into a mini-novel, lol

Thanks for everyone's thoughts and suggestions - they were great! I had to read them quickly for now. I really liked what Mighty Mom did with starting the Milestones for Moms and making friends in the community.

Maybe we should check out neighborhoods before we move in like some people check out resorts before they stay there. Honestly, we bought what we thought we could afford at the time. We felt safe there and heard the schools were good. But I could have done a better job of doing my homework - i.e. making sure there were more kids the same age as my kids, etc. - before we moved in. No biggie. (Ex. There have never been girls here for DD, she always liked hanging out with the boys, and also she made friends in the community - mostly girls (and some boys) who are into sports the way she is.) Time to go.

Later...

 

[SandrainNC]

I'm so sorry your ignorant neighbor said this to you. I cannot write what I would have said to her on this board, but she would have definitely known how unhappy I was when I was finished. I am not going to put up with it.

Sandra

 

[isla bonita]

I am sorry you have had to endure one more ignorant person. Not sure how I would have responded but I know she would have been offended. I have no patience for it any longer.

I think having to fight the public school system for almost 14 years, having sued one city, etc... I just do not have it in me to not be direct.