ot- Son's 1st time away at camp going very badly

[NJFabFour]

Just curious what you all would do as DH and I have different opinions on this. . . DS is 11 y.o. and away at Boy Scout camp for a week for the first time. It's also his first time away from home without either DH or me with him, aside from 1 - 2 night sleepovers with relatives or friends. He is an extremely poor eater, VERY picky to say the least, and not a very physically fit kiddo, he was the smallest kid there when we dropped him off. DH left his cell phone with him and in the first 24 hrs, he'd called about 5 times wanting to come home! However, we said that he'd have to try the activities before he could decide it wasn't for him. Now he's been there 3.5 days and has been miserable every minute. He hates the activities, hates the outdoors, and most especially, hates the food! I didn't think he should go in the first place but his friends from his troop convinced him to go. The last 2 calls he has been in tears and is saying that he is "living on dinner rolls" and not drinking "the gross spring water." He has 2 full days to go. . . .
the overprotective mama in me says to GO GET HIM RIGHT NOW AND BRING HIM HOME WHERE HE BELONGS! DH says he should stick it out. Just curious, what would you do???

 

[duckybelle]

I am also overprotective, but after 3 and a half days, and him still upset, and not eating, I would be there in a heartbeat!!

 

[Luv Bunnies]

I'm so sorry he's having such a hard time.

That's a tough one, though. I think my heart would tell me to go right over there and pick him up. But my head would tell me to wait it out for 2 more days just to show him that he can do it. On the other hand, if he's not eating or drinking much it might not be a healthy situation for him (I totally understand picky eaters - I have two of my own).

Would it be possible to talk to an adult who is there? Perhaps his troop leader, camp director, etc? An adult might be able to give you a better picture of how he's really doing. You can find out if he's over-dramatizing when he talks to you or if he really is that miserable all the time.

Camp should be a fun thing. It can also be used as a learning and growing experience but if he's totally miserable there, perhaps camp just isn't his thing and it's best to cut it short. Good luck with your decision and I hope it works out for the best!

 

[SLK1]

Poor kid! I'd also want to go get him; however, I would bet money that 90% of the kids who hate camp throughout the week eventually turn it around and have a great time and want to go again next year. Can you talk to a counselor there or someone in charge to kind of take him under their wing and help him out a bit? Good luck!

 

[tinkerdoodle]

I hate to be crass, but he needs to "Suck it up, Buttercup!"

Kids at this age are very cruel. If he leaves, those boys will know it and will never let him live it down. If he stays in the troop, he will be seeing the same boys over & over.

He also will not starve. Maybe this will be a small lesson in life that not everything offered to you to eat will be of his liking. He's made the decision not to eat it.

He's in Boy scouts, right? At what point did he think he wouldn't be in the outdoors during any of his achievements?

Scout camp is very expensive, it's only 2 more days, and what a life lesson (among other survival skills) he's learning.

If I had any doubt whatsoever about whether my son could "hack it" at scout camp, he would not be going in the first place. As a matter of fact, that's exactly what I did! My son decided not to go on after Cub scouts because the things he would learn did not interest him anymore. He loved Cub scouts because it so much more social. Boy scouts is more about individual achievement. It was a decision he had to make for himself without reservation and I told him so. He told me he's very glad he didn't go on because it left him more free time to try other activities & excel at them that he would have not necessarily had time for before.

And lastly, at 11 years old he needs to know Mom & Dad are not going to fix every little thing he gets himself into. He needs to fix this for himself.

Hope all turns out well, for you & your son. I know it's very hard knowing he's completely miserable, but he's learning more about himself than you think. He'll be stronger for it, and can be proud he completed the week on his own.

 

[princessmom29]

I would make him stick it out at this point. At 11 is old enough to learn that mom and dad are not always going to rescue him, and believe me if he gets hungry enough he will eventually eat something other than dinner rolls. I know it may sound harsh, but I just don't think you are doing him any favors by bailing him out. It is only going to get worse as he gets older if he doesn't learn now to get over some of his hangups and deal with things on his own. I am a firm believer in the idea that kids have to learn at a certian point to work some things out on thier own or just suck it up and get over it. They have to know, preferably before the get to middle school, that Mom and Dad are not going to fix everything for them. Typically if they don't get it before middle school By the time i get them in ninth grade mom is stil trying to bail them out and it doesn't stop.

 

[Kae]

I have to agree with the posters who say stick it out. Now this is just my thoughts 1st I can not believe they let him have a cell phone, DS was not allowed on at BS Camp earlier this month, 2nd the outdoors will do him good & when he gets back maybe you can help him to get a little more fit. My DS took tons of snacks with him & ate a ice cream chipper sandwich every night(which he claims are better than a mickey bar I doubt it) but he loved the food had the most trouble with breakfast not an egg eater. Make sure when you pick him up that you let him know how proud you are that he finished & stuck it out. this year our DS will have to camp once a month with his pack.

Kae

 

[Cinderella94]

I have to agree with the posters who say stick it out. Now this is just my thoughts 1st I can not believe they let him have a cell phone, DS was not allowed on at BS Camp earlier this month

Same with my brother!

I think he'll be okay though, it's not too much longer.

 

[daisyduck123]

My DS11 just returned from his week at Boy Scout Camp about 10 days ago. It was his 1st time away from home (he'd never even been to a day camp) and he was there Sunday-Saturday. The boys were absolutely not allowed to have any cell phones with them at all....no contact with parents. I think part of your problem lies right there. I think he would be doing better if he had not had contact with you at all this week.

As much as I know it hurts, I think you need to tell your DS to turn his phone over to his scoutmaster & suck it up until you pick him up on Saturday. The boys are completing requirements towards merit badges this week & it would be a shame if your DS did not get to complete all of the activitites.

We had "Family Night" on Friday night & got to go visit the camp that afternoon & evening (it's a 3 hour drive from our home). When we saw DS that night, he told us he'd been homesick until about Tuesday nite...but was ok after that. Is your camp having a family night?

 

[all4fun]

My ds is only six so we haven't sent him away to camp yet but I can imagine that I would feel the same as you do. OTOH, maybe because he has the phone, he can easily reach out and tug those parental heart-strings, which in reality could be making it even harder for him, because now he has contacted you and feels you should come pick him up? I don't know, it is just a thought. If there is anyone at the camp you can call and speak to about this and find out from an observant but non-biased third party what the situation really is, then I think that would be the route I would take. Maybe a little insight from someone who is there will either put you at ease or give you the info you need to figure out what you really should do. I do agree that if he comes home now he may never live that down with his friends and troop mates.

 

[Doc CW]

I would make him stick it out. I think its important that kids learn that there are some things that you have to tough it out and man up. I agree with other posters if he doesnt stick it out he will be picked on for much longer and that he will be picked on worse for quiting. If he quits to avoid short term punishment, being at camp that he doesnt like, he will be tortured for being a quiter. If he sticks it out then I think he will just have to endure a few days of things he doesnt like to do. Everybody has to endure things that they dont like its a part of life for little kids and adults.

 

[Star Wars mom]

My kids are not old enough for sleep away camp, but I can share my experience with you. When I was 9 my parents sent me to Girl Scout camp for a week. I hated it. I wrote postcards home (the only communication I had) asking my parents to come get me and telling them I felt like I was in jail. (Yes, I know I was overly dramatic.) I asked the counselors to call my parents to come and get me. Finally, on the last night they called my parents and told them to come pick me up early on the day we were all scheduled to leave. I can still remember how happy I was to see my mom. I can honestly say I never enjoyed any part of that camp, I don't look back on it fondly now, and I never went to Girl Scout camp again. I did, however, go to Space Camp twice very happily; so its not that I hate all camps.

Everyone has some great comments here. From my experience I'd have to vote for going to pick him up early. Maybe he'll find his camp "niche" somewhere else. I hope you find a good solution to this dilemma. Its so hard being a mom sometimes!

 

[3_disprincesses]

When my oldest went away for camp the first time she was 9 I think. She finally called home 4 days into the trip - crying, missing her mama. But when I spoke with our pastor who was with the kids on the trip, he said she had been fine all week and the only time she cried was when she talked to me. After she got home, she confirmed it. She had a great time but it made her very homesick talking to me. She's now 18, right now on the Amtrak to D.C. and will tell me the same thing to this day after every trip she goes on...and she travels frequently! Maybe if he hadn't been allowed to call home so often he would have kept busier waiting for the time to go by.

 

[ncmickeyluvr]

First, let me say that as a Mom, I feel for you. This must be so hard and I really don't know how I would react if put in this position.

Now, let me say that years ago I worked in a summer camp. It was a 2 week sleep away Girl Scout camp. Situations like this are exactly why there was a very strict no phone contact rule. Now, ofcourse this was before cell phones were widely used. The girls were NEVER allowed to directly speak to their parents. Letters only. They had this rule not to be cruel, but because speaking to parents made homesickness soooooooo much worse..for the child AND the parents!!! Kids would scream, cry, refuse to eat, try to run away!!!!, but we just made sure they were safe, gave them a hug, told them that WE would call Mom and Dad..and tell them to rush those letters!! Never once did I have a child not have fun...after they got over their homesickness the first few days. I think the fact that he can speak to you is only making it worse. He will NOT starve himself...he will get over it and have fun....but only if he knows that that's his only choice. Be strong!!! Parenting isn't easy!! You will teach him a very valuable lesson by sticking it out!

Now and good luck!

 

[Cinderella94]

it made her very homesick talking to me... Maybe if he hadn't been allowed to call home so often he would have kept busier waiting for the time to go by.

I agree, this is probably part of the problem.

 

[ilandrazdsw]

Since it is only 2 more days, I'd say stick it out. He tried it, doesn't like it, you all know for next time.

If it was my DS, I'd use his not liking camp to my advantage and every time he acted up I'd tell him I'll send him back as his negative consequence.

 

[NotUrsula]

Did your DH not go on any weekend campouts as an adult helper? That's really the best gauge of whether or not a picky or fastidious boy will be able to enjoy the full week camp; if on the weekend trips they refuse to drink anything and/or get themselves very constipated (a VERY common problem at Boy Scout camps these days), it's usually not a good idea to send them for the full week.

However, he's there now and he's only got two more days, so I say he should stick it out, because as a PP noted, his life in the troop will become a living hell if he doesn't. I know this because DS did not go to the long camps at any time over the past two years, not because he couldn't hack it, but because by the time they announced the dates we had already reserved AND paid for a daycamp program that was non-refundable. The other boys made a goat out of him for it, because he was not progressing in ranks (this particular troop does 90% of their badge work at that long camp.) When the Scoutmaster refused to step in and stop the harassment (there was a lot of sexually-charged name-calling and obscenity involved), we allowed him to resign from the troop.

What I think that you should do is to tell him that he needs to stick it out now that he's more than half-done. Then call the camp medical director and tell him/her that your child claims not to have consumed any water in three days; they need to check on whether he is really at risk of dehydration. Other than that, plan to get there to pick him up as early as allowed on the last day, pack a cooler with food that he can eat in the car, and spike a bottled drink with a bit of Miralax -- he's almost surely going to need it after such a stressful week with insufficient hydration.

(FYI, he may not have mentioned the bathrooms, but many boys these days have serious issues with using the pit toilets that most BSA camps have. These boys hate the smell or the primitive nature of the pits so much that they will not go, and they end up really constipated by the end of the week, sometimes so much so that they need medical help. Every Scout mom I know who has a kid who hates camp has found camp-week constipation to be a problem for their sons at one time or another.)

 

[NJFabFour]

Thanks for the input! I spoke to DS at 9:00pm tonight and they were just getting ready to take a night hike and he said he would call when they returned to tell me how he is doing. It's now 11:00 and we haven't heard anything so I'm hoping that's a good thing but I'm completely out of my mind with worry!
He is there with several of the dads from the troop (DH couldn't get away from work this week) and we've left a couple of messages with one of them that we know well and who knows DS well. (Probably not the best dad to have contact with though . . . even his DW couldn't reach him all week when I was away with her and the boys for a school trip). I realize that the dramatics are definately put on for Mom and that the adults there with him are not seeing the "misery" that he is portraying for only us. However, DS is also very shy around others and would not feel comfortable letting them know how he is feeling. He said his head and stomach have hurt and when I ask him if he's told this to one of the adults, he says no, he just hopes it will go away (and he tries to drink water but "it's gross." ).

I was also surprised about the allowance for the cell phone and we have never allowed DS or DD to have access to one, but he was off to such a bad start from the beginning and I knew that he would not feel comfortable asking to use one of the adult's, that I suggested DH leave his (mine is used for work purposes so I couldn't leave mine). He asked if it was alright and it was okay (although that came from the troop leader, not a camp official). I understand the comments that it may be contributing to the problem, but I honestly believe that it was a good decision as speaking to him has enabled us to reassure him and calm him down, and as a mom, I at least feel better knowing exactly what is going on with him rather than being in the dark.

And this overprotective mama bear worked for 3 summers as a camp counselor herself so, yes, I totally understand about the homesickness and the cutting the ties. However, DS's problem is not that he is homesick. He just really hates everything about camp. And I knew this going in, but he really thought he'd like to give it a try, so I agreed to let him try it out. And I'm really proud of him for trying. He said yesterday that he'd like to try to stick it out and not fall behind on his acheivements but I think the poor diet, lack of sleep, and limited fluid intake are getting to him now.

BTW, Star Wars Mom, DH and I were both just saying that this is a kid who would probably be much happier at space camp! I think that will be the direction to go if we ever try "camping" again!

Well, still up in the air about whether we're heading up to get him tomorrow or not . . . will probably depend on him and how he's feeling physically. Thanks!

 

[Singinglizzie]

I guess I'll be the dissenter here. I did something similar with my now 14yo, when he was 11. He attended an out of town 5 night "college" camp that he absolutely hated. He called several times in tears wanting to come home, but I thought it best that he finish out the camp. Well the final day, he had had enough and had an altercation with one of the kids, so they called me to pick him up early. Nothing serious, but it was a strong sign that he was not emotionally ready for this kind of overnight experience. I had hoped that he would have a wonderful stimulating time, but instead he had a miserable time and still talks about it to this day just not in the way I had envisioned. He describes it as that awful camp I "made" him go to. He has since developed into a thoughtful, mature young man but to this day wont do any more camps. In hindsight, I wish now I had "listened" better to him and had just brought him home. Many kids at 11 are not ready to be away from their parents, and as you know it's hard as a parent to gauge how your child will react to various situations. You have already given him a chance to make the most of the camp, but he is letting you know that he is not enjoying himself. Maybe camping isn't his thing, maybe he is not emotionally ready for overnight camp, you know your child best. I say bring him home. Your gut is telling you what you need to do. Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

[stace1214]

I'm not a parent (yet) but spent about ten years as a camp counselor. Over the years I had many campers who were having an absolute blast at camp, but when it was time to make their scheduled phone call home each week they would tell their parents how terrible camp was and that they were miserable. Ten minutes after the calls the kids were back to having the time of their lives. Like some of the previous posters said, contact someone in charge at the camp to get a true picture of what is going on. I would definitely have someone hold on to your cell phone for a few days, knowing that he can't call home every time he gets a little lonely may help. Don't worry about him being hungry- the counselors will not let him starve. If there was a big issue (the food or homesickness) I would think that the camp would have gotten in touch with you. If it turns out that he really is miserable, go get him, he just may not be ready for sleep away camp this summer. Good luck!!