OT: Son is flunking college, and I'm SO upset!

[ajh88]

First, - I understand how frustrating this must be for you. I haven't looked through all the posts, but I'll throw in my 2 cents anyway as simply suggestions to consider.

Have him take fewer credit hours - whatever the minimum is to be full-time (probably 12 hours). See how next semester goes. Have him take 1 or 2 classes over summer so he can focus on one course at a time if he's truly having difficulty with certain subjects (it could also help him "catch up" if he's a bit behind).

Maybe even CC isn't the right fit - are there any vocational schools that he is interested in? Something where he could get a certification and become gainfully employed, like HVAC or auto mechanic work??

Finally, talk to him - see if he'll let you in on why this semester turned out like it did. He has had success in school in the past - maybe there is something else going on that has him distracted.

And on a personal note - I was always the studious one, my younger sister was NOT. She did a 2 year CC program in radiology to satisfy my parents but she HATED every minute of it and only did the minimum to get by. She did graduate, but didn't stay in radiology for very long. Finally, 7 years after CC, she decided to finish her Bachelor's in a different field and she'll be getting her Master's come May. She just wasn't ready for that level of commitment yet - maybe your DS isn't either.

Good luck to both of you!

 

[DISdreamin']

You called yourself the idiot.............not me!

Actually, I was saying that was my take on your attitude towards people who teach. I guess I really wonder...if you don't think much of us, why in the WORLD would you care if your child goes to college? Seriously? If we have nothing to teach them, why send them? If we can't 'do', and you think so little of us as to say it in a public forum, why would you want us teaching your child?

Perhaps you were trying to be funny, but it really doesn't come off that way IMO. It is honestly quite demoralizing to hear people say that those of us who teach are somehow less-than. That we can't *do* so we choose to teach. Seriously? I mean come on - have you any idea how competitive positions are at colleges, community or otherwise?!

Ah, well...I'm sure it won't change your opinion of me or anyone else in the teaching field.

 

[Planogirl]

Actually, I was saying that was my take on your attitude towards people who teach. I guess I really wonder...if you don't think much of us, why in the WORLD would you care if your child goes to college? Seriously? If we have nothing to teach them, why send them? If we can't 'do', and you think so little of us as to say it in a public forum, why would you want us teaching your child?

Perhaps you were trying to be funny, but it really doesn't come off that way IMO. It is honestly quite demoralizing to hear people say that those of us who teach are somehow less-than. That we can't *do* so we choose to teach. Seriously? I mean come on - have you any idea how competitive positions are at colleges, community or otherwise?!

Ah, well...I'm sure it won't change your opinion of me or anyone else in the teaching field.

I have a different perspective. I couldn't teach if my life depended on it so I leave it to the professionals. I think that you have to be smart, organized and love teaching to do it successfully. So we don't all feel that way.

 

[patsal]

No advice just support. You did what you were supposed to, he did not. I have one headed down the same path. He will need to work for a while to see how hard he has to work for very little money. I would not put out any more money for tuition. The one thing I have told my DS is that I will reimburse for his tuition once he has a degree. He can take out loans or whatever to pay because not one dime of my money is going into his education. I know he will flunk out becuse it isn't his dime. If he completes college I will then pay what I would have contributed to pay down his loan amount some. My DS, like yours is not going to provide me with a good return on my investment so it needs to be his investment.

 

[NikiM20]

OP..Since your son has a medical diagnosis I would suggest he contact the disability office at the school. He can get extra time on exams/projects, a note taker, can test in a quiet room, be tested verbally etc... This may help him tremendously.

At the CC i attend we also have a tutoring center which helped me. I am a 30 yr old college freshman and I have forgotten alot.

FWIW...the state board of regents regulates all the colleges in the state including CC and you can go online and see which classes will transfer to the university you want to attend. In my case, the university which has my major is 1 1/2 hours away, while the CC is 15 mins away.

 

[Minnie]

OP -

My DS also has challenges in the school setting and has a medical diagnosis. Each change from elementary to middle and then middle to high school has been a challenge. By the end of the 1st, beginning of the 2nd though he does well If he ends up going to college I can see that being a struggle too I don't have any advise just for strength and understanding as I know all too well that all kids are not "wired" the same.

As for CC well to those U snobs ... I started out at a local CC one evening class a night... Then every one of those credits transferred to a 4 yr U - again one evening class at a time and then to graduate school where I graduated with an MBA - GPA 4.0 I am now employed by a Fortune 500 company... It's not where you start your journey that counts.....

 

[My5Mouseketeers]

I am a tutor in the Learning Disabilities Department at our local CC. BTW, we have a very good CC which has matriculation agreements with most of the local colleges/universities (private and public). Our math/science classes are NOT easy.

At our CC if a student has a documented learning disability they can register for a 4 cr (000 level) course which is just tutoring. Since it is a 000 level class it does not count toward graduation, but it does count toward the number of credits a student is taking for health care and financial aid.

Having gone to a 4 year school and now working at a CC. I would say that course content is NOT any different.

The biggest difference that I see is that when students are away at school, school is their highest priority. They may have a part-time job in the book store/cafeteria etc, but they walk across campus do their job and then go back to being students. They will find a place to hang out and study.

At CC, the students have off campus "real" jobs, plus they spend a lot of time driving back and forth from home to school. They work to pay for their cars/gas/insurance. I see so many students who will go home between classes , instead of just finding a quiet place. Once they go home, they get sucked into "home" stuff (i.e. video games, friends, computer etc).

Of course, these are broad generalizations.

 

[Teacher03]

Sending hugs your way...


I haven't read all the replies but your son sounds alot like mine. He was an average student in high school, very bright but also lazy.

He went onto college and continued to do average work and he flunked a few classes along the way. He would only take 3-4 classes a semester because he "didn't feel he could handle anymore." At the beginning of his 4th year his dad and I told him we only pay for 4 years, anything needed after that would have to come out of his pocket.

IT WAS A MIRACLE! Suddenly he is taking 5-6 classes and has an A average (for the semester.) He will graduate this spring. It's been a struggle for him financially, but we have stayed true to our word and haven't helped. I am so proud of him, but I never thought he would get here.

I don't know if it has been mentioned, but could he possibly contribute to his tuition? Maybe it would be the push he needs.

 

[finz2left]

What's they saying? Those who can do, those who can't - teach??

Whoa...I specifically said that the CC system in our state does NOT provide the same level of education as the Univ. where I teach, and I said it in response to someone else commenting that the CC is the same as the U. education.

And, quite frankly, if that is your attitude about professors and teachers, perhaps you should homeschool your children from kindy through post-doctoral study. Some of us teach because we love to do it, and we consult etc. on the side to keep our skills relevant and sharp. In fact, a good friend of mine is responsible for major breakthroughs in Parkinson's research...guess she can't .....

My input was that often college comes to early for young people who are not ready to live and/or study independently, and that college is NOT for everyone. I was not being critical, simply realistic. I have 3 children, one with an intellectual disability who will likely never receive an academic diploma, one who will be able to have his choice of colleges if he continues on the path he is on now, and one who will skate by at a Univ. just to party in the frat and attend football games (he's only 8 and I already see this ).

Seriously, saying a CC isn't for everyone (and is easier than a state U.), that a 4-year state school isn't for everyone, that a small private liberal arts school or an ivy league education isn't for everyone, or that graduate school isn't for everyone is NOT condemning other choices or abilities.

Your snide comments, however, are!

 

[Purseval]

Your snide comments, however, are!

Maybe he meant those who can't, teach, pontificate and can't handle criticism either? It doesn't take a genius in using Google to find out how dissatisfied many parents are with the state that colleges are in. But really, that's a different subject altogether. The OP has enough problems trying to figure out what to do with her kid.

 

[rubato]

To the original poster, hang in there. My stepson started college in this exact way. We made a deal with him though. If he flunked a class or dropped it too late to get the money back, he had to pay to retake it. He did this with about 7 classes overall. He did, eventually, get his degree, but it took him 7 years. After the 6th year, I told him he was on his own financially and we would no longer be paying his tuition. He very quickly finished his credits and got that degree! He is now a social worker who works in homeless outreach. We like to joke about all the money we paid so he can barely earn minimum wage! But, he is in it for the greater good and we couldn't be prouder!

 

[disney1990]

Okay, this is completely off-topic I guess...other than the fact that I've wasted college tuition money for literally nothing.

DS graduated from high school this Spring. He wasn't a stellar student, but he did graduate with a B average. He enrolled at the local community college and took a total of 5 classes (16 hours) this fall. He ended up dropping his Chemistry class (and associated lab) a few weeks ago because he said he had no possible chance of passing it. A few days ago, he springs on me that there's no possible way he can pass his Math course, and will have to retake it. (He even had a tutor for the Math course.) 30 minutes ago, he calls me from school, and tells me he needs to change his schedule for next semester, because he's going to flunk his English course too. These weren't even super-hard classes that he dropped/flunked. The Chemistry course was equivalent to one he could have (should have) taken in high school. The Math course was actually a remedial, and won't even count toward a degree. The English course was just your normal Freshman English.

So, basically he started off with 5 classes, dropped 1, flunked 2, and will (hopefully) pass the other 2. The other 2 aren't even difficult classes (Public Speaking and Medical Terminology).

I'm at my wit's end with this kid. I've been asking him all semester long how he's doing in his classes, and the response is always "fine". College isn't like high school, where you can call up or email your kid's instructors to check up on them. Supposedly, he's an mature adult, and is entitled to the responsibilities and privacy of an adult...and mommy can't check up on him.

He works a part-time job, but only works about 20-22 hours per week, which pays for his car, gas, and a portion of his car insurance. I'm not sure that cutting back on his hours would even help, since he doesn't seem to study that much at home anyway.

I already told him (when he dropped the Chemistry course a few weeks ago) that I would NOT pay for the class a second time. Sorry, but it's a one-time deal...either you pass, or you pay for it the next time around. Is that wrong of me to think that way?

At this point, I'm just totally furious and upset. I "need" him to be a full-time student, because of health insurance. I can't afford to pay $600+ a month for Cobra coverage if he isn't a full-time student. But at this point, college is seeming like it's a total waste for him. He obviously doesn't appreciate the chances he is being given.

Other than the minimum wage job he's already got, he's not qualified to do much of anything. What is his life going to come to?

Grrrrr! Sorry, this was more of a vent post than anything. I need to get some of this off my mind before he comes home and I totally blow up at him. Sorry for any typos...I don't think well when I'm angry.

Sorry to hear that your DS is not doing well in college. Sometimes it doesn't "click" the first time. Believe me I have been there. Maybe the job, even a part-time one is too much. My DD absolutely cannot work and go to college. I know that; and she knows that. I know that I gave my DD a second chance and she is doing wonderfully now. But, that's up to you what you want to do.

 

[MrsPete]

What's they saying? Those who can do, those who can't - teach??

What's that other saying? Talk is cheap.

The biggest difference that I see is that when students are away at school, school is their highest priority. They may have a part-time job in the book store/cafeteria etc, but they walk across campus do their job and then go back to being students. They will find a place to hang out and study.

I live near a major university and MANY of my high school students choose to stay home/attend that school. Though it's a great school, many of them drop out after only a semester or a year -- not that I've done any actual record-keeping, but I think a greater percentage of my old students who choose this path drop out (greater, that is, than those who go away to school). I think it's because by staying home and continuing in their same old-same old high school pathways, some of these students haven't made that major commitment to their education. They aren't surrounded by people who are spending the majority of their time pursuing a degree, they don't live steps away from their professors' offices, and going to the library in the evening requires effort.

I think the benefit to GOING AWAY to college is that the student is immersed in the educational world, and it's a constant reminder: "I'm here to learn, my first priority at this step of my life is to earn a degree".

 

[DISdreamin']

Maybe he meant those who can't, teach, pontificate and can't handle criticism either? It doesn't take a genius in using Google to find out how dissatisfied many parents are with the state that colleges are in.

Funny....but honestly, calling some of the comments criticism? Criticism, IMO, would be actually evaluating or analyzing - this is just casting negative comments out there without taking into account that in ANY field there will be people with different skill levels, abilities and motivation levels.

As for dissatisfaction with colleges, I can share with you the fact that many, and possibly most, students at my local community college come in under-prepared to the point where they end up testing into developmental (ie: college prepatory) classes in math, reading and/or composition. So perhaps the issue is both with the colleges themselves and with the preparation level of the students when they get there. A synergistic effect, perhaps? I think one or the other might be manageable, but both together are a recipe for disaster, academically speaking.

Oh, and FWIW, I have taught for a number of years at both the local CC and the local private university. I teach the same freshman courses at both, and they are absolutely comparable. This may not be true for all CC, but one would think it should be! It is often a rude wake-up call for students who *think* (or, perhaps, hope) CC will be 13th grade.

 

[LoraJ]

When I attended college I was not the best student. I got mostly C's and a D. I got A's in classes that were a part of my major. I got frustrated with school and had no desire to sit through history and science classes, I just wanted to do take my communications classes. I ended up dropping out and going to a trade school. I do not regret it at all. I was just not into school at the time. I thrived in trade school and they had a job placement program that got my foot in the door.

Now 20 years later I am using the tuition reimbursement benefit at my job and finishing my degree. I appreciate what I am learning so much more now than I would have back then.


You keep saying his classes are easy. Easy to whom? You? Classes seem easier to me now because I now know the best ways to study and learn. back then it was a different story. Not to mention that back then we did not have Word and spell check. I took a public speaking class and I did not find it easy at all. It is not easy for everyone to make a presentation and get up in front of the class and do it. Maybe I could do a better job of it now, but back then I was awful at it. I was so shy. And I used to be horrible at math, I always got horrible grades in math in high school. Maybe it is easy to you, but not to him. It is very frustrating for a student to hear that it is "easy" when they don't get it.

Perhaps he should seek out some kind of tutoring next semester. If after that semester he still is not clicking with school, maybe look into vocational school. He needs to be going to school because HE wants to go, not because you want him to go.

 

[lillygator]

Sounds like a perfect candidate for the military, although you probably won't get him to agree with all that is going on in the world right now.

YIKES, you screw up in school to be shipped off?

Been to community college and regular university...no difference in classes.

A student qualifies as full-time at 12 credits which is enough for them to qualify for the insurance.

I disagree, there is a reason the requirements for acceptance are different and in my experience at 3 different CC's on summer break were the same....

OP here again:

First of all, I want to thank all of you for your advice and suggestions.

I wrote my initial post in anger (and I'm still angry), but there's a couple of things I didn't mention in that post. First of all, even though DS just graduated high school in the Spring, he just turned 20 years old. So, he's not your typical 17 or 18 year old college freshman. His birthday barely missed the deadline for our school district, so he didn't start Kindergarten until he was almost 6. He had major problems in 1st grade with reading, and I asked (no, actually begged) for him to be held back a year so he could catch up. (BTW, the reading skills are excellent now, thanks to the Hooked on Phonics program we used while he was repeating the 1st grade.)

He was also diagnosed with Asperger's when he was in 7th grade. So, he's definitely not a "social butterfly" at all. Basically, he goes to school and work, comes home, and probably spends too much time playing video games. He doesn't spend any time with the friends he had in high school, doesn't go out partying, etc. He actually only missed 1 day of classes this semester, due to a family emergency. So, he's definitely going to class...just not applying himself outside of the classroom. He had a couple of IQ tests during junior high and high school, and his intelligence is completely normal. So, there's no reason he can't succeed if he WANTS to.

During high school, he had no clue as to what he wanted to do afterwards. He said he wanted to go to college, but didn't know what he was interested in. He decided that he wanted to do the Radiology Tech program at the local CC, which I thought was a great idea, given his personality traits. He hasn't been formally accepted into the program yet, and given his major screw up this semester, will be very fortunate to be.

After he got home today, we set down and had a talk. He admitted that he had been lazy and didn't study enough, and that it was totally different from high school. (Duh!) He basically coasted his way through high school, and still graduated with a B average...although he took very few challenging courses other than some advanced history/social studies courses.

I have to admit...I can relate to what he's going through. I went away to college after high school, on a full ride. I was also used to coasting my way through high school, and not having to study. I went away to college, and fell flat on my face and had a 1.8 GPA for the 1st semester. In my case, I spent too much time partying, skipped too many classes, and spent too much time with my boyfriend. Oh yeah...and I got pregnant with my son near the end of the semester. Anyway, I left college, had him, and spent a couple of years in the real world working full time, raising a kid without his father being in the picture, and paying my bills. When I had the opportunity to go back to college, I managed to stay on the Dean's List that time around while taking 18-20 credits per semester. So, I had a complete attitude adjustment.

Given that I went through a very similar thing my 1st semester of college, I think I need to give him a second chance. He's retaking the English and Math courses next semester, and I made it clear to him that he is responsible for paying me the tuition money back. (It had to be paid last week in order to reserve his schedule for next semester.) I think it's probably best if I work out a payment plan in writing, so he knows I'm serious about it. He's also taking 2 other classes, for a total of 12 credit hours.

I told him that this next semester is his last chance. I'm not paying for any tuition beyond that, if he doesn't get his act together. I also told him that he would be responsible for paying room and board after this semester, unless he's doing satisfactory in school.

A lot of you mentioned the military. Honestly, I think that's a good option for a lot of young men (and women)...but not necessarily for my son, due to his Asperger's Syndrome. Really, I don't even know if he would qualify for any branch of the military, given the fact that he had mental health counseling for Asperger's.

We'll see what happens this next semester. I hope and pray that he has an attitude adjustment, and turns himself around.

So this changes what I was going to post - you should have put this in the OP.....

 

[DawnM]

I am a high school counselor (was a high school teacher before that) and my DH is a CPA and works as a tax manager for one of the Big 4 Accouting Firms. Neither of us has had a problem finding jobs, although I have had to take a teaching position after moving because there weren't enough counseling jobs available.

I am currently staying home by choice, but I do plan to return to work at some point.

Dawn

IOne thing I wish they did was ask kids in college, "What kind of lifestyle do you want to lead?" Because the way a kid invisons their life and the reality of what a career can make are not always one and the same. Create a budget for theri lifestyle and their income potential to see how on mark they are. My kids have done something similar in HS but before declaring a major - it would be a great refresher.


Not sure what your field is but myself, I hear situations like ours all the time.

 

[punkin]

I live near a major university and MANY of my high school students choose to stay home/attend that school. Though it's a great school, many of them drop out after only a semester or a year -- not that I've done any actual record-keeping, but I think a greater percentage of my old students who choose this path drop out (greater, that is, than those who go away to school). I think it's because by staying home and continuing in their same old-same old high school pathways, some of these students haven't made that major commitment to their education. They aren't surrounded by people who are spending the majority of their time pursuing a degree, they don't live steps away from their professors' offices, and going to the library in the evening requires effort.

I think the benefit to GOING AWAY to college is that the student is immersed in the educational world, and it's a constant reminder: "I'm here to learn, my first priority at this step of my life is to earn a degree".

I wonder if it's causal though. The kids who chose to stay home quite often have money issues and that can cause them to drop out no matter how committed they are.

 

[marcyinPA]

The biggest difference that I see is that when students are away at school, school is their highest priority. They may have a part-time job in the book store/cafeteria etc, but they walk across campus do their job and then go back to being students. They will find a place to hang out and study.

This was not my experience in college at all. I went to a four-year state school and majored in Elementary Ed with a dual cert. in Early Childhood Ed. Although my passion was to teach, school was NOT my highest priority. I had no idea what it was like being on my own, 2 hours from home. I took total advantage of not having my parents there. I skipped classes, I partied A LOT, I didn't study, and I failed a couple of classes too. Things started to click for me when I faced being dropped from my major. I lessened my class load (took 12 credits that semester) and made dean's list for the first time. This was the second semester of my Sophomore year. Even after that, I didn't do great, mostly C's, although I did get mostly B's in the classes for my major.

I did work on campus, in the dining hall, but I never found a place to go study! Not many of my friends did that either. Most of the people I hung around with were more into the social scene. Perhaps that was my problem...I hung around with the wrong people. Hindsight being what it is, I'd do it differently now. But then again, I've matured by 21 years and that makes a huge difference!!

To say that students who go away to school are more serious or put school at a higher priority is not completely accurate!

 

[kmvand1]

Maybe he meant those who can't, teach, pontificate and can't handle criticism either? It doesn't take a genius in using Google to find out how dissatisfied many parents are with the state that colleges are in. But really, that's a different subject altogether. The OP has enough problems trying to figure out what to do with her kid.

Exactly!!