OT - Sleep over at Grandparents?

[DISNEYFOS]

Just curious how many other parents have their children spend the night at their grandparents and at what ages.

My mother in law has been asking since DD (3) was born to have her stay at her house. They live about 2 hours away.

Its not something we ever did in my family so I just don't feel comfortable with it. My MIL is umm.... Not quite as diligent as we are in terms of safety issues and I don't necessarily trust her to tell me the whole story if something happens.

My Sister in law sends her two kids there all the time for weekends and whenever. They are all starting to put a lot of pressure on my DH and I to let DD go.

Just curious how others handle this

 

[Metsoskil]

We let our kids stay over at their grandparents every once in a while. With DD, DW wasn't comfortable with it until she was 1, with DS it was fine as soon as possible. It's nice to have a night w/o kids once in a while. I guess it all comes down to how comfortable you are with your kids being with your parents or in-laws over night.

 

[emh1129]

Why can't she just visit with your dd while you are there with her? It would seem inconvenient to drop her off and then have to drive all that way to pick her up the next morning.
The safety issues you mentioned would be enough for me to evade the topic, nicely of course
My 5 yr old has spent the night at his Grandma's house once or twice, but she lives right down the road and he wanted to. I also trust them completely, though, and they would call me right away if ds needed me.
I'm sure my dd won't want to sleep over anywhere until she is much older.
If you don't feel comfortable with it, don't feel pressured into it. Go with your gut.

 

[GEM]

My mom lives about 2 1/2 hours away. The first time our little guy spent any overnight time there (without us) was when he was about 26 months old. My husband and I went out of town for 5 nights and Nana was very, very happy to have Paul to herself while we were gone. They had a great time. The only reason we hadn't done it before that was because he was still nursing a lot. By the time he was two he had cut back to only occasional nursing, so it wasnt a big deal. Now, at age 4, he spends quite a bit of time there. This past summer he spent a week with them and will probably spend another week sometime this winter. He calls it going on a "Nana, Poppy, and Paul vacation". Sometimes, if we have a really crazy week with tons of meetings, projects, rehearsals, etc. my mom will come and pick Paul up and take him to her house for a few nights to give us a chance to catch up! It's nice.

My in-laws live about an hour away. Paul spent the night there for the first time around the same age, just a bit over 2. Now, he spend a few nights there every month and they all have a great time.

I'm glad he gets that special time with is grandparents. I think it's important. I remember lots of sleepovers at my grandparents houses as a little kid, and those memoies are some of the best of my childhood. (And, I'm glad to be able to get a break, too!)

 

[crazyme5kids]

I think it's wonderful for kids to have that time with grandparents. What safety issues are you concerned about? Have you spoken to your SIL? Have her children gotten hurt while in your MIL's care (I don't mean the usual bumps and bruises)?

 

[flipflop]

I grew up with my grandparents living a mile away from my house - one set in either direction. I spent the night at their houses a lot and I have wonderful memories of those times. It was special and I loved it - so did they - and my parents too b/c they got a break.

From the time my children were born until they were 1.5 we lived with my mom and step dad(see people think that once kids move out that's it - then they come back with infant triplets and a husband to boot ). We went out of town for one night and left the kids with them when they were 4 months old (2 months gestationally). Another night we went out of town for a wedding closer to 8 months. We also left them there when they were 1.2 years old and went to disney for 5 days with friends, sans kids. We had no worries about safety issues or them keeping the kids on schedule - total trust. The kids are still around them all the time and are very comfortable with my parents.

Now, my MIL didn't agree with the way we kept the babies' on a schedule so we were very concerned about leaving them with her for a whole day let alone overnight. I don't think they spent the night with her and my FIL until they were closer to a year old. We had left the kids with them for a whole day prior to that on several occasions. We didn't have any safety concerns with my ILs either and the kids see them frequently enough that they are comfortable in their care.

What kind of safety concerns do you have? I know my SIL's MIL has left straight pins on the couch after quilting while watching my nephew. She has health issues - hygiene issues. SIL has some genuine safety concerns with her and would never leave nephew alone in her care.

Depending on your safety concerns, I say go for it. One of the best gifts my parents gave me was an opportunity to have meaningful relationships with my grandparents. They have been hugely important in shaping me as a human being. Your daughter will love the special time with her grandparents and you can have a break and some alone time.

My ILs live 50 minutes away - usually we will drop the kids off and then they will bring them home or vice versa. We usually try to work it around another family event we'd be going out there for anyway.

 

[nessz79]

We've let both boys spend the night with their Grandma from very early on...maybe 4 months for the first one and maybe about the same age for the second (can't remember). They are now 4.5 and 3 and spend the night every few weeks to every couple months or so. Grandma lives 15 minutes away so it's no biggie. I have not left them for more than one night at a time except once when I left them for 2 nights....but that's because I can't do without them!

My mom also lives close by, and although she's a wonderful grandmother, she's not really into the spending the night thing (just the way we were raised).

 

[rrobin3051]

I would let them sleepover there. Mine did from an early age, I think grandparents need special time alone with them. To enjoy bonding time without us parents looking over their shoulders to make sure they are doing as we do. Unless there is a huge safety concern I would do it. I know we always feel we do it best, but hey we survived...lol. I know when Morgan who is 2 goes to his grandpas, I rarely ask how he did if he followed our same scheldule and so on. I just ask if they had fun(which usually means no nap)..lol. I just move on and stick to our routine at home. He always does fine and doesnt seemed bothered by the change. I say go for it.

 

[allyphoe]

My DD4 won't spend the night at her grandparents', because once they finally put their feet down and say it's bedtime, she plays the "I want to go home, then" card. (They only live 10 miles away.) If not for that, she'd have slept over starting when she was 2 or so.

She started sleeping over at school (they do periodic sleepovers for the kids starting when they're 2) soon after she turned 3. She's never expressed a bit of interest in leaving a school slumber party early. She's also slept over at various relatives with at least one parent there, because it's too far to drive back and forth.

I'm not sure what level of safe behavior you're expecting of your MIL, and in the end, you're the only one who can make that call. I will say that my dad brought DD back from the zoo (the two of them spend the day together at least one day of every weekend, and they usually head to the zoo) one day, and asked me why her carseat kept tipping over. He'd installed it so poorly that every time he went around a curve, it laid over on its side. DD would say "I fell over!"; he'd stop the car and tip her upright, and they'd continue on to the next turn, where the whole thing repeated. I did reinstall the carseat for him, but the next weekend I sent her off with him again.

 

[DISNEYFOS]

So some of the safety concerns that have made me hesitate are I know she doesn't watch the kids the way that I do. She's just a little flighty.

She was in charge of my nephew once and we met her at a restaurant..she was so caught up in greeting us she wasn't watching him (2 yrs) wander in front of a car. I had to run up and grab him before he got hit.

Another time she took my daughter to a local playground when she was around 1.5 years old. She let her climb up a large structure and apparently "did not see" when she fell 5 or so feet to the ground. again not really paying attention.

Just today she took DD to my SILs house, she asked for me to send her with a bathingsuit for running thru sprinklers. She called me later and asked if she could take her to the neighbors wading pool. I said "how big is it?" DD is learning to swim but she still needs swimmies or a lifevest and she had neither. She said its small up to their knees..I said no problem..have fun. Now at dinner DD tells us.."I went under the water, sunk right to the bottom. I wasn't holding my nose..but Grandma picked me up" I called SIL and she said it was one of those blow up pools they have with the filters/clorinated. its about 4 feet deep!
Grandma never mentioned that incident.

I don't want to over react but it just errodes my trust..

 

[DISNEYFOS]

DD would say "I fell over!"; he'd stop the car and tip her upright, and they'd continue on to the next turn, where the whole thing repeated. I did reinstall the carseat for him, but the next weekend I sent her off with him again.

Thats too funny (well not really) but I can just picture it.."I fell over again" The straps on my parents carseat are a similar story..I'm always tightening it up..

I think my issue is just her judgement is so different than mine. I just see all the bad things that "could" happen whereas she's oblivious to them.

 

[MomNeedsVacay]

My DD's having been staying over at both sets of grandparents pretty regularly since they were infants. No worries here. Their GP's SPOIL the heck out of them!

 

[Luv2DressEmUp]

I have similar feeling to yours! My MIL is constantly "planning" trips for her and my DD4 to out of town places. This makes me feel very uncomfortable?!?! Since we live in the same town I try to do something at least 2x a week with her so she won't have the itch to take her out of town but she still asks. I feel bad saying no all the time, but I just don't feel comfortable with her taking her out of town? Anyone else have this issue come up?

 

[Mandychelle79]

My dd(4) has been staying at my parents house ( 3 miles away) since she was 4 weeks old. After I had my ds ( 1.5) the trips have became a once a month type of thing rather than a once a week thing. My dd also stays with my SIL 1 week a summer of VBS and has for the past 2 yrs.

 

[danicaw]

This is something we wonder about to.
My parents (divorced) both talk about having the Grandkids come to visit.
Now comes the tricky part. All our parents live out of state.
My Dad moved two states away when he got remarried (I was 11) and I did the "unaccompanied Minor" thing to fly and go visit them.
They have reminded me of that when talking about the Grandkids visiting them.
No way is all I can say right now. Maybe when they are much older and express a desire to go (without being put up to asking by Grandparents) I will consider it, but its hard for me to imagine right now. DS4 and DD1, so we are not talking anytime soon. I flew out to meet my Dad at Grandparents house when I was 12 or 13 by myself, but I remember wishing I didn't have to and being worried about connections etc.
Ok, sorry I got a bit side tracked, you can tell this is something I worry about for my kids.
If they lived closer it might be a different story. But I would need to see how they did with them for shorter amounts of time before we did an over night.
Good luck, I say go with your gut.
Maybe decide when you would feel ok with it? When she is 5, 6, 7 years old? and then tell MIL that you will be ready to do it then. Sometimes just a time line can help. And it is your decision, so don't feel pressured. You know your DD better than anyone else.

 

[LJRJR]

Hi, so far my DD7 & DS5 have slept over my mothers, DS3 has not, first of all she is older 68 and all three at this stage is too much. My children will never sleep over my dads house (my parents are divorced), he is just not child oriented even though he loves them, he tries to see them every few weeks, and I would be afraid of my stepmothers behavior (she likes to drink - alot). My children will never sleep over my husbands parents house either, both of them are "uncapable" in our opinions, my FIL has mental and health issuse (I dont even think he bathes and the last time he was at my house he spit up some sort of throat substance all over my backyard ) my MIL physically couldnt handle it - besides we would never allow it, the subject has never come up, they can visit when they want with us and even though it is only 15 minutes away, we almost never see them. It is a difficult subject and maybe people could never imagine having parents "unfit" to take care of their children. My DH and I we wish we had more family to help us but we dont. If you dont feel comfortable letting your children sleep over their grandparents house DONT, remember they are your children.

 

[allyphoe]

she wasn't watching him (2 yrs) wander in front of a car.

She let her climb up a large structure and apparently "did not see" when she fell 5 or so feet to the ground. again not really paying attention.

She said its small up to their knees..I said no problem..have fun. Now at dinner DD tells us.."I went under the water, sunk right to the bottom. I wasn't holding my nose..but Grandma picked me up" I called SIL and she said it was one of those blow up pools they have with the filters/clorinated. its about 4 feet deep!

Yeah, those things would be issues for me, too. Not so much any one of them as an isolated incident, but the pattern. My dad, who can be completely lacking in good judgement, isn't lacking at all in overprotectiveness. DD has come home bumped and bruised from time to time (what 4yo doesnt?), but he watches her more diligently than I do. He'd help her climb clear to the top of the 10-foot rock wall at the zoo, but he'd be sitting right next to her at the top, with a hand around her arm ready to grab, you know?

 

[tonilea]

My DS spent the night with my parents once when I was in the hospital and DH was so tired he wasn't really coherent. lol Other than that one night he has never spent the night away from one of us. We waited fifteen years for our little man, I don't want to miss a minute.

We did leave him one evening with my MIL while we had a "date night". When we got back we found him happily watching South Park.

 

[flipflop]

I think my issue is just her judgement is so different than mine. I just see all the bad things that "could" happen whereas she's oblivious to them.

It sounds with the examples you gave that you have cause to be concerned. Are those the only examples or do have a stock pile full? I ask b/c I am wondering if she really never pays attention to the kids when she's watching them or if there have been a few select times when she failed to pay attention 100% (or been honest with you about accidents, which frankly would be my bigger issue here). It's impossible to watch kids 100% of the time with 100% diligence. At some point you have to answer the phone, get the door, use the bathroom. However, that's different than allowing a small child in a pool without supervision or leaving them on a swing set while you go inside and watch your soap opera.

I worry a lot about what bad things might happen to my kids (especially at ILs b/c she's a little flighty but she would never say, leave them in a pool unattended). I tend to see more of the "this could happens" than my DH who seems to be less safety aware. Two of the biggest accidents with my kids happened in MY care - completely my fault - and I am extremely diligent about paying attention to them. When my dd was around 8 weeks old (the equivalent of a 2 week old if you roll her back gestationally), I had her on the ottoman - I was sitting in the chair and holding her and staring at her pretty face - I looked up to answer a question and somehow she wiggled, flipped off the ottoman and landed two feet below on the hard wood floor on her head.

You need to do what you are comfortable with. If MIL has a proven track record of being dishonest about accidents and careless, it's understandable why you would not want your DD staying there. However, an incident here or there would not prevent me from sending my kids b/c I think accidents can happen anywhere and we can't predict when or with whom they will occur.

 

[bzzymom]

DS stays over at my parents house often. He is 10. They like having him and he enjoys staying there. When I have to go into work early, he spends the night there so that he can sleep in a little later.

My in-laws live about 20 minutes away. They both work in the town we live in. Sometimes when DH and I want to go out on a Friday night, they will pick up the kids when they get off work and keep them overnight. It works out great and the kids have a blast. They have done this since DS was a baby.