OT...sisterly responsibilty

[RMulieri]

Ok need opinions here..long story. I am the oldest of 3 sibs.i have 2 brothers.All 3 of us are married and have jobs and families. My youngest brother is a soon to be divorced dad of a 5y/o son.he has always been the favored and the least responsible of the 3 of us .whenever life hands him lemons, he blames everyone else for his misfortune.he also doesn't have 2 nickles to rub together, and I have always been financially bailing him out( my bad,I know).Even though i help him out, I am always to blame for his life situation because both me and my Dh have a nice house, a pool, and a nice income.Anyway, he was recently diagnosed with cancer( only 29y/o) but smokes like a chimney and drinks and parties like there is no tomorrow.i am very sad about this, and have offered to fly out to the west coast for one week to help( I am on east coast).My mother, who always expects me to fix everything for everyone, tells me that he is my bro and is my responsibilty.That she can not afford to go out and help and I am an oncology RN so I would be better.That I need to be there for all of his therapy( which he doesn't want to do).Time wise we are looking at a minimum of MONTHS.I explained that i have a job, and a family and the best i can do right now isa week.So I am selfish, and a mean person.he might die and it is on my head etc.So then she says well, "how about if he moves in with you?" WHAT? I explained that it was not a good idea, for the plain fact that he will have no insurance, no job and a small child with him which is currently the center of a custody battle.So I am mean and selfish and his death is on me.I refuse to back down on this, my husband and other brother who is also in bad financial shape and has 2 kids, backs me on this too. Am I being too harsh? is there something else i should be doing? i offered to review his medical info and try and get a good oncologist outh there for him.

 

[Benducci]

Your mother has it all wrong- your brother is HER responsiblity - you are the sister- not his mother - you have done what you can & you have done plenty - it is sad that this is happening to him but he also has to take responsiblity for his own life especially since he has a child depending upon him. Do NOT forfeit your life for his - that is not fair to you.

 

[Alesia]

Your responsibility lies with you husband and your children, not your brother. You can love him and support him emotionally, but you are not his wife or his mother. Don't let your family emotionally blackmail you. You need to set boundaries that make you feel comfortable and let the chips fall where they may.

My brother is 16 and being "homeschooled." By "homeschooled" I mean he sleeps all day and plays video games all night. I flat out told him that he had better hope that mom lives forever, because if he wants to move into my house he will either pay rent or go to school. Some people would think that makes me a terrible sister, but he doesn't. He actually respects that I have boundaries.

 

[EthansMom]

Am I being too harsh? is there something else i should be doing? i offered to review his medical info and try and get a good oncologist outh there for him.

No, you are not being too harsh. Your Mom and Bro have unreasonable expectations.

Your first responsibility is toward your own family (DH and DD). You aren't in a position to leave your job and family to go across the country the duration of your brother's treatments. Nor should you be expected to move your brother across the country to live in your house AND take care of him.

While it would be great if you could help him out with rides to treatments and meals and such, if you lived closer, you just aren't able to do that from across the country.

My DB had cancer a few years back (also cross-country). He managed to change his work schedule so that he had his chemo on Fridays, had 3-4 days off work and was back to work by Monday/Tuesday. His wife helped him out a lot, but DB worked a full-time job during the entirety of his treatments.

For my part, I flew out to visit DB once, called often, and sent a couple of care packages. There wasn't a lot more I could do from here.

IMO, your Mom has more of a responsibility to care for DB than you do. Certainly, it would be no more of a financial burden on her to care for HER SON than it would be on you to care for him. Think of it this way... if, God forbid, something happened to your child, would you expect anyone else to take care of her? No, you'd be there in a heartbeat doing whatever was necessary!

I think your offer to visit once and look at oncology treatments was an excellent one. I also think you need to take a strong stand against anyone in the family who expects you to take on THEIR responsibilities.

Good luck to you. Your brother will be in my prayers!

 

[MusiqChic99]

You have done plenty if not enough already. Do what you can do and know that you did all you could. It isn't fair to your family and YOUR needs to take on more then you can do. I'm sorry he has cancer and he is going through a tough time but you can only help so much without someone helping themselves. And your mother should step up and take more responsibility.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. Sounds to me that your whole family should be lucky to have someone as caring as you around!

 

[thegrimdwarf]

I don't think you're being selfish or harsh. You have a life, a job, a home and a husband (do you have kids?). I don't think it's reasonable for your mother to request to abandon everything to care for her child - like a prior poster said - her child, her responsibility - she can't hang that on you.

Good luck with your decision. I'm sorry you're having to deal with something so difficult.

 

[jj1403]

Sorry to hear about your brother's illness.

I'm sorry that others are trying to make you feel guilty. Stick with your original plan, go and spend the week with your brother. Try to answer any questions he may have on treatment, just support him. But when you leave after that week, don't feel guilty. Your brother has to take responsibility for his own treatment and life. Support him emotionally and call often. Don't let anyone bully you or guilt trip you.

 

[DISNEYFOS]

Sorry about your brothers condition. I agree with what everyone is saying. A visit and making sure he has the right treatment plan given your knowledge in the area is more than reasonable.

If your mom feels someone should be out there then she should be the one. Mother = responsibility for child.

 

[3goofyboys]

You are not being harsh. Your ultimate responsibility is your DH and kids, just as you mom's responsibility is your brother. I am the "fixer" in my family and I know how guilty you must feel saying no; please remember that it is not your job to fix every problem in your brother's life. He is an adult and as such, he needs to take care of himself and his obligations. Good luck and best wishes, however the situation turns out.

 

[disykat]

No, it is not your sisterly responsibility to abandon your family, quit your job, and go "take care of" your adult brother!

How about when your mom tries to put it on you because she can't afford to help him and you can, offer to buy her plane ticket? It might provide a solution, or, if she still doesn't consider it a viable option, it will at least point out to her that dropping everything and moving for the duration of his treatment is not an easy option. It also gives you reason, if she tries to pin his trouble on you, to play nasty right back.

 

[Tinker'n'Fun]

I just wanted to offer a few !!

 

[RMulieri]

No, it is not your sisterly responsibility to abandon your family, quit your job, and go "take care of" your adult brother!

How about when your mom tries to put it on you because she can't afford to help him and you can, offer to buy her plane ticket? It might provide a solution, or, if she still doesn't consider it a viable option, it will at least point out to her that dropping everything and moving for the duration of his treatment is not an easy option. It also gives you reason, if she tries to pin his trouble on you, to play nasty right back.

i tried the whole I will pay for you to go thing with my Mom.She then tld me I have a bad neck/back and can't be on a plane for that amount of time( she is East Coast too),I can't be taking care of him it is too much on me( she is a nurse too), I am too old( shes 51).I am totally at a loss.i swear sometimes i wish i was raised by wolves.

 

[RMulieri]

Thanks all! Well, now Mom is pulling the old temper tantrum/guilt trip ( is there a full moon?).Truthfully, she has always done the guilt thing with me( never does work) .I really am hurting for my brother.We do not like each other alot of the time,but I do still love him. I guess maybe i would feel differently with My mom if she didn't always assume that her 35y/o daughter (me) should be responsible for her life and issues and the problems of 2 grown adult brothers. I haven't yet heard from my Dad on his opinion in the matter.Should be WWIII when that happens.

 

[brymolmom]

Your mother has it all wrong- your brother is HER responsiblity - you are the sister- not his mother - you have done what you can & you have done plenty - it is sad that this is happening to him but he also has to take responsiblity for his own life especially since he has a child depending upon him. Do NOT forfeit your life for his - that is not fair to you.

I agree to a point...but actually I think that your brother, being an adult, is his OWN RESPONSIBLITY, not the mom's either. I know that mom will always love and care for him and do whatever she can for him, but he is NOT her responsibility. If he needs help, HE can ask for it and arrange it. If he wants treatment - HE can go for it. If he doesn't - that is HIS decision.

Definitely not yours...even tho I know how it is for the sister to always get the brunt of this type of guilt. Stick to your guns and I'll say a prayer for him.

 

[mom2my3kids]

I would be there for my brother as much as I could, but would not make it my soul responsibility.

 

[rt2dz]

Well, I might be harsh, but it’s true: It’s past time for little brother to grow up—and for your mother to wake up. Your brother is no one’s responsibility but his own. If his therapy fails because he does not do it, that’s on him and him alone. Your mother shouldn’t be thinking you need to take care of him. First, having him was HER choice. And it was HER job when she was parenting to teach him the skills and how to use those skills to be a responsible adult.

Yes, you should be there, emotionally, to support your brother, regardless of any past relationship. That doesn’t mean, however, you have to drop your life (husband, kids, job, house, etc) to go take care of him. If your mother thinks he needs to move in with someone, then she should offer up her own home. Of course, being in the middle of a custody battle and divorce, he might not be “allowed” to move. My state doesn’t allow moving out of the county during these circumstances and my sister’s state makes them stay within state or x amount of miles (you may change states if the miles are only so far).

I think it would be wonderful to help your brother find good treatment where he is, and I *might* go so far to say that it is a family obligation considering your profession, but that is as far as I would go as obligations—emotional support & help finding a good doctor.

 

[Del]

I wish you much strength.

Del

 

[disneynewbee]

Your mother is so wrong and I would let her have it for putting the guilt trip on you, that is not fair. I have 3 sisters and am always expected to be the savior, peacekeeper, etc so I know how it feels and I'm not sure why parents seem to always designate one of their kids this unfair responsibility. It's like they get tired of parenting and want to dump it on someone else. Then if you stand up for yourself your the bad guy. Trust me I know just where you're coming from. What you offered is fair and if your brother needs additional help it is your mothers responsibility to step up to the plate. If you could do it without completely disrupting your life than I would say do it since he is your brother but it's not fair for you to completely put your life on hold.

 

[sk!mom]

Your mother has it all wrong- your brother is HER responsiblity - you are the sister- not his mother - you have done what you can & you have done plenty - it is sad that this is happening to him but he also has to take responsiblity for his own life especially since he has a child depending upon him. Do NOT forfeit your life for his - that is not fair to you.

Sorry to disagree, but your brother is an adult- so he is responsible for himself! If he needs help then anyone who can is kind to offer help but no one is responsible to.

I'm very sorry for his troubles and you are very kind to offer to help. I wouldn't be discussing this with my mom. Tell your mom that she needs to worry about what she can do to help and leave you alone! I would let my brother know what help I could offer and work out the details with him.

 

[bangzoom6877]

i tried the whole I will pay for you to go thing with my Mom.She then tld me I have a bad neck/back and can't be on a plane for that amount of time( she is East Coast too),I can't be taking care of him it is too much on me( she is a nurse too), I am too old( shes 51).I am totally at a loss.i swear sometimes i wish i was raised by wolves.

First of all, I am so sorry to hear about your brother's illness.

Second of all, it would be irresponsible of you did to and abandon your husband and child in order to take care of your brother. When you get married and have children of your own, they are #1 in your life (well, they should be). My mom is 58 and has been taking care of my sister's kids and mine as well since she was 51! Granted, now the older ones go to school, but she still has them in the morning before school, and after school until my sis gets home from work. I'm a teacher and my sis is a school social worker so the fact that we have summers and school breaks off and are home at those times to be with our children definitely helps mom out. But she volunteered to take care of them before they were even born! She told my sister and me that she wanted to do that for us. Now my youngest is 15 months old, my older son is 3 and a half and goes to pre-school full-time. Nieces are 7 and almost 5 and of course in school full-time. But mom still says she enjoys being with my little son all day every day during the schoolyear! So I think the age factor depends on the person's attitude about their own age. My mom always says she still feels like she is in her 30s.

Anyway, please try not to feel guilty about what you are doing to help out your brother. One week is plenty of time, in my opinion, to spend with him in order to help him, and offering to help him get a great oncologist is more than being sisterly...it is being kind and very loving and caring. Try and think of it this way...right away you were the person who thought about all the ways possible that you could help your brother. That alone makes you a wonderful sister!

Many, MANY hugs to you, and you are in my thoughts and prayers.