OT--school anxiety

[mrsbornkuntry]

Sorry this will be so long. I am so frustrated and heartbroken right now, I just don't know what to do for my son. He is 6 (7 next week) and in first grade. He has some issues I've posted about before, mainly severe separation anxiety, but he had seemed to move past this in kindergarten. He had a wonderful teacher last year that he just loved and it made his transition into school a great experience.

So this month DS has started acting strange. He's been getting in trouble at school, they use a light system, green is good, yellow is a warning, red is bad (that's just a description, that's not what they call it). He has gotten on red and yellow alot this month. And he's started telling me every morning when it's time to head to the bus stop that his stomach hurts and he's not going to school. Then yesterday since he's been having such rough mornings I thought I'd have lunch with him. I do this every 3 weeks or so as a treat, he really enjoys it, I did it last year, too. Well, yesterday when it was time for me to leave he threw a fit, not for me to stay, but for me to take him with me.

I have talked to him at length about what might be bothering him and the most I get out of him is "school is dumb". I talked to his teacher this morning and she said after I left yesterday he was fine (and he was on green all day). She said there haven't been any changes in the classroom and she didn't really have anything helpful to say, but she said she'd keep an eye on him to see if she picked up anything. I explained to her that any change, no matter how small such as the desks moved or a student leaving the class might upset him, but she couldn't think of anything. There haven't been any changes at home except DH getting a new job. I thought that might upset him because DH's new job is full time with the National Guard so he wears his "Army clothes" to work every day and I thought DS might worry he was going back to Iraq, but when I talked to DS, telling him about when DH would leave for work and come back home every day he lost interest in the conversation and started doing something else so I don't think it was bothering him. Change his usually a trigger for him.

He's not struggling at all with his grades, he is on grade level with everything, ahead in math. He said he's learning the same stuff he learned in kindergarten, he's not of course, but I wonder if he's not frustrated with math because if his homework is any indication he hasn't learned anything new there because he picks math up so quickly that he learns alot of new things at home. But I don't think that would make him anxious, he still enjoys doing his math homework every night, last night he sat down on his own and did this entire week's math because he wanted to.

Has anyone dealt with this? I feel like such an ogre making him get on the bus in the morning knowing he's feeling so bad about it. It starts on the way to the bus with "My stomach hurts, can I stay home?" Then he whines for awhile, then when he figures out it's not working the anger comes. And he's not shy and sweet, he's outspoken and strong-willed so this is a struggle with him yelling (and then getting grounded for being disrespectful), then stomping up to the bus while he tells me he hates me. I feel bad for forcing him when I don't know what's wrong, but I can't figure out what's wrong so I can't help him get past it. So I feel like if I start a reward chart or something I'm just teaching him to ignore his feelings.

 

[a1tinkfans]

to you and your little one. I always say go with your gut and something is clearly "up" that is giving him this anxiety/anger right now. Now trying to figure it out is the hard part. From a personal perspective, I think much more happens in the less regimented times at school ,like recess, lunch, gym (the Bus ride??) that the teacher may not be seeing can you reach out to someone else to "keep an eye out" for another issue?
Best of Luck, I wish I could really help, but it may take a bit of time to get to bottom of it....

 

[dfchelbay]

Sorry this will be so long. I am so frustrated and heartbroken right now, I just don't know what to do for my son. He is 6 (7 next week) and in first grade. He has some issues I've posted about before, mainly severe separation anxiety, but he had seemed to move past this in kindergarten. He had a wonderful teacher last year that he just loved and it made his transition into school a great experience.

So this month DS has started acting strange. He's been getting in trouble at school, they use a light system, green is good, yellow is a warning, red is bad (that's just a description, that's not what they call it). He has gotten on red and yellow alot this month. And he's started telling me every morning when it's time to head to the bus stop that his stomach hurts and he's not going to school. Then yesterday since he's been having such rough mornings I thought I'd have lunch with him. I do this every 3 weeks or so as a treat, he really enjoys it, I did it last year, too. Well, yesterday when it was time for me to leave he threw a fit, not for me to stay, but for me to take him with me.

I have talked to him at length about what might be bothering him and the most I get out of him is "school is dumb". I talked to his teacher this morning and she said after I left yesterday he was fine (and he was on green all day). She said there haven't been any changes in the classroom and she didn't really have anything helpful to say, but she said she'd keep an eye on him to see if she picked up anything. I explained to her that any change, no matter how small such as the desks moved or a student leaving the class might upset him, but she couldn't think of anything. There haven't been any changes at home except DH getting a new job. I thought that might upset him because DH's new job is full time with the National Guard so he wears his "Army clothes" to work every day and I thought DS might worry he was going back to Iraq, but when I talked to DS, telling him about when DH would leave for work and come back home every day he lost interest in the conversation and started doing something else so I don't think it was bothering him. Change his usually a trigger for him.

He's not struggling at all with his grades, he is on grade level with everything, ahead in math. He said he's learning the same stuff he learned in kindergarten, he's not of course, but I wonder if he's not frustrated with math because if his homework is any indication he hasn't learned anything new there because he picks math up so quickly that he learns alot of new things at home. But I don't think that would make him anxious, he still enjoys doing his math homework every night, last night he sat down on his own and did this entire week's math because he wanted to.

Has anyone dealt with this? I feel like such an ogre making him get on the bus in the morning knowing he's feeling so bad about it. It starts on the way to the bus with "My stomach hurts, can I stay home?" Then he whines for awhile, then when he figures out it's not working the anger comes. And he's not shy and sweet, he's outspoken and strong-willed so this is a struggle with him yelling (and then getting grounded for being disrespectful), then stomping up to the bus while he tells me he hates me. I feel bad for forcing him when I don't know what's wrong, but I can't figure out what's wrong so I can't help him get past it. So I feel like if I start a reward chart or something I'm just teaching him to ignore his feelings.

Sounds to me that the issue may be with you, and perhaps not with school. His teacher said everything was fine after you two had lunch. Seems he's testing you to see how much be may be able to get from you. Stomach aches, whining, yelling, then an I hate you sounds like he wants what he wants and you're not giving it to him. Is is possible that he has done these things before and gotten a desired response out of you...but now you've buckled down and he no longer is getting you do do as he desires. I think the "changes" he's having a problem adjusting to is you guiding him in the direction you are, and not in the one he wants...don't want to go to school if he doesn't feel like it, etc.

It sounds like you are doing all the right things. Just keep watching him and intervene when you deem necessary.

The only other thing I would check into is his bus ride. He may dread the bus/someone on that bus to and from school. See if you can find out from the bus driver if anything is going on on his bus. He may not be getting picked on, but may be afraid of the older kids, just cause they are bigger and older and scary.

Good luck and just keep doing what you're doing.

 

[mrsbornkuntry]

Sounds to me that the issue may be with you, and perhaps not with school. His teacher said everything was fine after you two had lunch. Seems he's testing you to see how much be may be able to get from you. Stomach aches, whining, yelling, then an I hate you sounds like he wants what he wants and you're not giving it to him. Is is possible that he has done these things before and gotten a desired response out of you...but now you've buckled down and he no longer is getting you do do as he desires. I think the "changes" he's having a problem adjusting to is you guiding him in the direction you are, and not in the one he wants...don't want to go to school if he doesn't feel like it, etc.

It sounds like you are doing all the right things. Just keep watching him and intervene when you deem necessary.

The only other thing I would check into is his bus ride. He may dread the bus/someone on that bus to and from school. See if you can find out from the bus driver if anything is going on on his bus. He may not be getting picked on, but may be afraid of the older kids, just cause they are bigger and older and scary.

Good luck and just keep doing what you're doing.

I thought that would be me, too, especially after lunch yesterday, but I don't know. I've never given in to the "my stomach hurts", but maybe I've done something else, I just can't think of what.

I'm going to ask him about the bus, but I know he's not scared of the older kids, he's the youngest of 5 and he spends alot of time around bigger kids. He's very outgoing and he's more likely to want to make friends with them. I'm leaning towards that not being the problem or I think he would just be begging me to drive him to school.

 

[dfchelbay]

I thought that would be me, too, especially after lunch yesterday, but I don't know. I've never given in to the "my stomach hurts", but maybe I've done something else, I just can't think of what.

I'm going to ask him about the bus, but I know he's not scared of the older kids, he's the youngest of 5 and he spends alot of time around bigger kids. He's very outgoing and he's more likely to want to make friends with them. I'm leaning towards that not being the problem or I think he would just be begging me to drive him to school.

Just thought of something...has someone in your house been sick during the last month? Did you have to take care of, mother, love on, etc one of the other kids? Did they get to stay home with mom while sick? A little one on one with you perhaps. Maybe he saw some extra loving and wants a little of it...just thinking out loud...

 

[spacemountainmom]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I went through something similiar when my dd was in first grade. We had sold the business we owned and dh was not working for a couple of months. Right after he went back to work, dd started having all these tummy aches and said she felt like throwing up. I was getting calls from the nurse nearly every single day. I took her the the doctor who told me that she'd never felt such an impacted digestive tract and she put dd on ulcer meds. I was just a wreck and her teacher couldn't seem to put her finger on anything specific at school. I think part of the problem might have been that her teacher was a first year teacher and maybe didn't recognize some of what might of been happening in the class.

DD finally did say that she was having some issues with a couple of girls at school and we were able to work through it. It was horrible at the time, but she did get over it. I think part of it was the school thing and part of it was the "perceived" uncertainty she felt with our selling our business and dad finding a new job. I think she was too young to understand that things really were ok. Sometimes, I think kids take way too much on themselves when they don't need to.

I hope it's just a short blip for you and he gets through it. It's so hard as a mom to watch your babies go through that kind of stuff.

 

[scrapquitler]

Sorry this will be so long. I am so frustrated and heartbroken right now, I just don't know what to do for my son. He is 6 (7 next week) and in first grade. He has some issues I've posted about before, mainly severe separation anxiety, but he had seemed to move past this in kindergarten. He had a wonderful teacher last year that he just loved and it made his transition into school a great experience.

So this month DS has started acting strange. He's been getting in trouble at school, they use a light system, green is good, yellow is a warning, red is bad (that's just a description, that's not what they call it). He has gotten on red and yellow alot this month. And he's started telling me every morning when it's time to head to the bus stop that his stomach hurts and he's not going to school. Then yesterday since he's been having such rough mornings I thought I'd have lunch with him. I do this every 3 weeks or so as a treat, he really enjoys it, I did it last year, too. Well, yesterday when it was time for me to leave he threw a fit, not for me to stay, but for me to take him with me.

I have talked to him at length about what might be bothering him and the most I get out of him is "school is dumb". I talked to his teacher this morning and she said after I left yesterday he was fine (and he was on green all day). She said there haven't been any changes in the classroom and she didn't really have anything helpful to say, but she said she'd keep an eye on him to see if she picked up anything. I explained to her that any change, no matter how small such as the desks moved or a student leaving the class might upset him, but she couldn't think of anything. There haven't been any changes at home except DH getting a new job. I thought that might upset him because DH's new job is full time with the National Guard so he wears his "Army clothes" to work every day and I thought DS might worry he was going back to Iraq, but when I talked to DS, telling him about when DH would leave for work and come back home every day he lost interest in the conversation and started doing something else so I don't think it was bothering him. Change his usually a trigger for him.

He's not struggling at all with his grades, he is on grade level with everything, ahead in math. He said he's learning the same stuff he learned in kindergarten, he's not of course, but I wonder if he's not frustrated with math because if his homework is any indication he hasn't learned anything new there because he picks math up so quickly that he learns alot of new things at home. But I don't think that would make him anxious, he still enjoys doing his math homework every night, last night he sat down on his own and did this entire week's math because he wanted to.

Has anyone dealt with this? I feel like such an ogre making him get on the bus in the morning knowing he's feeling so bad about it. It starts on the way to the bus with "My stomach hurts, can I stay home?" Then he whines for awhile, then when he figures out it's not working the anger comes. And he's not shy and sweet, he's outspoken and strong-willed so this is a struggle with him yelling (and then getting grounded for being disrespectful), then stomping up to the bus while he tells me he hates me. I feel bad for forcing him when I don't know what's wrong, but I can't figure out what's wrong so I can't help him get past it. So I feel like if I start a reward chart or something I'm just teaching him to ignore his feelings.

Have you considered taking him to a therapist for just a few sessions to see if that might help? My daughter had extreme anxiety (not school related, she was homeschooled) and we did some therapy sessions and it seemed to help her.

 

[mrsbornkuntry]

Have you considered taking him to a therapist for just a few sessions to see if that might help? My daughter had extreme anxiety (not school related, she was homeschooled) and we did some therapy sessions and it seemed to help her.

I am giving this some thought. I actually had made an appointment for him to see someone a couple months ago for some other problems, but I had to cancel because of the weather (it was about an hour away and the roads were ice) and I never rescheduled. Maybe it's time.

I don't think his problem is physical because he's fine after school and on the weekends.

I have had kids at home sick on and off all winter, strep went through our house, but he was one of them. That still may be the problem.

Thank-you for all of the replies so far, it's really helping me brainstorm, sometimes you just need an outside perspective on these things.

I think I'll ask him if he wants to go see Hop this weekend for his birthday, he and his friend were talking about it at lunch yesterday.

 

[MiniGirl]

You know, it could just be the time of year that it is. When was/is your Spring break? I always hated the time between spring break and summer. It just seemed to drag by. I also notice that my students (not a school teacher, but my kids at church and where I tutor) are a bit restless this time of year. First grade is a lot different from K, and it could be that your son is just ready for summer and some "lazy" days. Unfortunately, if that is the case, there really isn't anything you can do about it, but it can be so hard for the little ones.

 

[I Believe n Fairies]

I completely understand where you're coming from! My ds is 6 and in 1st grade. At the end of last year we took him to dr's/child psycologist/therapists and he was dx with adhd/odd. During school, he's on meds. During breaks he is not and behaves like a normal little boy.

This year, he has had serious anxiety about school and I cannot put my finger on the problem. Getting ready for school is a battle every morning and he always tells me he's not going to school. He is at the top of his class and is reading on a 4th-5th grade level. His teacher is amazing and works with him and gives him lots of special opportunities in class. I'm not sure what's going on with him.

Saturday is a great day in our house. Sunday begins his behavior issues and I am convinced it stems from anxiety about getting ready for school. He is working with a counselor to figure out what he is stressing over to no avail at this point. It's very sad because my little boy looks at me often and asks if he can homeschool. Just wanted you to know that your 6yo little boy is not alone.

 

[Mabel67]

Hi.
Sorry to butt in, but this sounds exactly like a problem my son had in Grade 2. He was always a very good student, but that year he was experiencing many of the same issues you describe for your son.
Turns out the problem was actually the teacher. Her husband had just left her, and she was subconsciously taking it out on a few of the boys in the class. Nothing overt, but enough that they felt singled out, and as though they could do nothing right. It was very stressful for my son.

Unfortunately, there was nothing we could do about this situation at the time, but we managed to get through ok in the end. Just lots of extra support and encouragement from home.
While most teachers do their best and do a good job, unfortunately situations occur where this is not the case. Turns out to be a tough life lesson at an early age for some kids.

Good luck, and I hope you can figure out what's going on...

 

[danjoealexis3006]

Does he have friends? If so, are they all getting along? We just went through something similar with my ds9. His best friend since kinder "wanted to take a break from being friends" and when the friend decided this he also told the other kids that if they played with my son he wouldn't be their friend. The poor kid is still struggling with this. We all can't wait for spring break to come!
I would also ask him if he's being bullied. Teachers are not always aware of this.Goodluck!

 

[3mickeymom]

My youngest son just doesn't like school. He hates sitting still. Loves to be outdoors. Gets bored easily. He is a good student, although a little disorganized. He is respectful to his teachers. He is just one of those kids that certainly enjoys time off. Around this time of year, he really has had it. We haven't had our spring break yet and it HAS been a LONG winter! At his elementary school, they had no recess and often had a QUIET lunch. Now in Middle School, they often have to work on projects during their lunch period. It can be a long day with no breaks except for gym where they WALK for 20 minutes. He is an active bot and RARELY Walks anywhere! He has tried the stomach ache thing, headache thing but hey, he HAS to go to school. I wouldn't over worry. Just be matter of fact about going to school and hopefully he will be fine. HUGS!!

 

[mrsbornkuntry]

I completely understand where you're coming from! My ds is 6 and in 1st grade. At the end of last year we took him to dr's/child psycologist/therapists and he was dx with adhd/odd. During school, he's on meds. During breaks he is not and behaves like a normal little boy.

This year, he has had serious anxiety about school and I cannot put my finger on the problem. Getting ready for school is a battle every morning and he always tells me he's not going to school. He is at the top of his class and is reading on a 4th-5th grade level. His teacher is amazing and works with him and gives him lots of special opportunities in class. I'm not sure what's going on with him.

Saturday is a great day in our house. Sunday begins his behavior issues and I am convinced it stems from anxiety about getting ready for school. He is working with a counselor to figure out what he is stressing over to no avail at this point. It's very sad because my little boy looks at me often and asks if he can homeschool. Just wanted you to know that your 6yo little boy is not alone.

Can I ask what kind of therapist you took him to? I'm not sure where to look. Also, what kind of explanation did you give your ds for going to the dr.?

Hi.
Sorry to butt in, but this sounds exactly like a problem my son had in Grade 2. He was always a very good student, but that year he was experiencing many of the same issues you describe for your son.
Turns out the problem was actually the teacher. Her husband had just left her, and she was subconsciously taking it out on a few of the boys in the class. Nothing overt, but enough that they felt singled out, and as though they could do nothing right. It was very stressful for my son.

Unfortunately, there was nothing we could do about this situation at the time, but we managed to get through ok in the end. Just lots of extra support and encouragement from home.
While most teachers do their best and do a good job, unfortunately situations occur where this is not the case. Turns out to be a tough life lesson at an early age for some kids.

Good luck, and I hope you can figure out what's going on...

I kind of wondered if there was a conflict with him and the teacher, I know a couple times this year he has gotten in trouble because someone told on him for something he didn't do and when the teacher told him to change his color he tried to tell her he didn't do it and she made him change it all the way to red for talking back. I allow my kids to explain things like that to me if they do it respectfully so that's probably really frustrating for him. But if he is honest with me and didn't hurt anyone else I usually just talk to him about why his light changed and don't punish him.

Does he have friends? If so, are they all getting along? We just went through something similar with my ds9. His best friend since kinder "wanted to take a break from being friends" and when the friend decided this he also told the other kids that if they played with my son he wouldn't be their friend. The poor kid is still struggling with this. We all can't wait for spring break to come!
I would also ask him if he's being bullied. Teachers are not always aware of this.Goodluck!

I did ask him about his friends and he said he wasn't having any problems. He actually hangs around with girls more than boys which was really suprising to me because he's very athletic and active, but I think the other boys see him as competition because of it so he gets along better with the girls.

My youngest son just doesn't like school. He hates sitting still. Loves to be outdoors. Gets bored easily. He is a good student, although a little disorganized. He is respectful to his teachers. He is just one of those kids that certainly enjoys time off. Around this time of year, he really has had it. We haven't had our spring break yet and it HAS been a LONG winter! At his elementary school, they had no recess and often had a QUIET lunch. Now in Middle School, they often have to work on projects during their lunch period. It can be a long day with no breaks except for gym where they WALK for 20 minutes. He is an active bot and RARELY Walks anywhere! He has tried the stomach ache thing, headache thing but hey, he HAS to go to school. I wouldn't over worry. Just be matter of fact about going to school and hopefully he will be fine. HUGS!!

This sounds like him. But he does have some underlying anger and anxiety problems, maybe that's why I'm so concerned. Hopefully I'm just making a mountain out of a molehill.

 

[mrsbornkuntry]

Thanks again for all of the replies, it really helps to hear other people's experiences. Only 3 more weeks until spring break

 

[PrincessAbby'sMom]

I haven't read all the replys - but wanted to give you my experience of almost the exact same things with my daughter.
It started in pre-school, the crying, stomach aches, not wanting to go to school, etc. & was baffling until 2nd grade she was diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS). It is actually releases acid in the stomach due to stress or anxiety. (on top of that she was severly consipated which caused more pressure & upset stomachs)
So your not crazy - he may be attached to you, but when he worries & stresses he may get stomach aches.
She also started into colon & bladder spasms - all she could tell me was it tickled down there & she would push on herself (like a little boy holding having to pee) but of course we had no idea what it was - until the doctor diagnosed it (Childrens Memorial Hospital Pediatric Gastrointerologist) as spasms.
My daughter is now in 5th grade, she still gets many stomach aches, but has learned to 'deal' with them a little better.
She takes alot of Children's Pepto - and that DOES seem to help her.
I am not trying to diagnos your son by any means - but just sounds so much like my daughter I had to tell my story.....
If you have any questions, I would be happy to answer just PM me!

 

[drinkme]

My middle child had a problem with separation anxiety when she was little. She was the type of child that would hide behind me whenever another adult (except family) was around. During storytime at the library, she would be the only toddler sitting on my lap when the other children would march or dance. She loved school, but always preferred being at home with me. She always asked if she could be homeschooled.

When she was in 2nd grade, I enrolled her in a highly competitive sports' team. The closeknit bonding with the other kids really brought her out of her shell. She turned into a different child. We also started enrolling her in other activities where she wouldn't know all of the children, and she would have to perform.

She is now in 6th grade and you would never know she was the same child. She's still not a "people person", some days she just prefers to hang out in her room alone, but she loves to be around her friends, go to school, etc.

I would look into exposing your child to more activities outside of school and kinda teach him how to be comfortable away from you. Go slow at first (he is still so young).

HTH

 

[bluesaturn]

School refusal can be a symptom of separation anxiety. It might not be that he hates school, but that he doesn't want to separate from you to go there. Since he has a history of separation anxiety I would look into it further. Also, I think it's good that you won't let him stay home for school. By allowing him to escape from school you would setting up a pattern of avoidance, which will only make the anxiety worse in the long run.

I would take him to a psychologist for an evaluation, you can just say that school refusal behaviors are your concern. Your pediatrician might have recommendations for psychologists in your area. If you have universities nearby you might call around and see if they have psychology training clinics. Usually the students see the clients, but they are directly supervised by faculty. You might want to see a psychologist over a social worker or counselor, at least for the initial eval.

Anxiety is extremely common and very treatable. Unfortunately so many people live with it for years because they just assume life has to be full of anxiety.

 

[I Believe n Fairies]

I just saw your question for me. We took ds to a child psycologist office and there are therapists in house. They do a lot of play therapy, games, and talk. He enjoys it. His therapists gives me insight and suggestions for me.

As for what we told him about his visits, we were honest. He is smart enough to know that he has issues he cannot control. It has been a good thing for us because now, on occasion, when he is having fits or reacts negative to a situation I can explain to him that he has to be incharge of his emotions. Take a deep breath and not let his issues get the best of him.

We're not 100% there, but we are much better than we were a year ago. Feel free to PM me if you have questions, want to vent, whatever. For me, finding others in my situation who understand my son has helped a great deal.