OT: SAHM blues...

[bkreitzel]

hi.
have you joined any kind of Mom's group? the last time we moved, i did that to meet people and it really helped.
thru that i found like-minded moms and we formed a "sanity club"
we did this e/o week...two mothers stayed behind and watched all the kids. the other moms got a sanity break and TOOK OFF to get a pedicure, go home and shower, whatever they wanted. it was like 8:30-11:30 or something like that. we rotated homes and moms who did the watching.
eventually we had to go to two groups b/c more people wanted to join.
i only did it when the kids were little and w/ a group i knew the homes and moms well, but OMIGOSH did it ever make a difference in my sanity
sometimes I think i am going crazy staying home, and then one day I realized my DDs were starting first grade and preschool...and i love my "job" ... so we are now expecting number three!!

 

[raysnkaysmom]

Hi everyone!

While I am very excited for all them, I feel like I am not accomplishing nearly as much or doing anything with my life. I love being home with my children and the thought of putting them in daycare or going into a mundane day in and day out job is not at all desirable. I just feel like life is passing me by, though, and I don't know what I can do to fix that. We do playgroups, go to the children's museum, and spend most of our time playing. Anyway, I don't know where I am going with this other than to have an outlet I guess.

Heidi

I'm going to tell you the obvious... The thing you are doing.. being home with your kids... is the BIGGEST accomplishment any one of your friends will ever make.
I hope to be at a point soon where I can be home with my kids... Don't get me wrong..I know its hard... A few years back...I stayed home for about 5 months...and went crazy!! LOL.. Mothering is the hardest job there is...and alot of times, thankless. But...for us full-time working moms (for me anyways) sometimes the guilt gets me.. I love my job... but I miss my kids.
Go out, meet friends for lunch, find more playdates if you can... and keep a diary for your kids to read when they get older of some of the things you have done...you'll BOTH appreciate it

 

[bumbershoot]

toesmom, care to share the stroller trick?


OP, sorry you're feeling blue. I'm lucky in that I had already given up my big career before I even met my husband or had our son. I was just working customer service. And while I loved the company and was really good at customer service, I really really really really hated the "adult" interaction (didn't anyone else have co-workers that could go head to head with a 2 or 3 year old in tantrums?), I hated having people scream at me b/c their Harry Potter book was 5 minutes later than they expected (but then the contractors ordering $5000 table saws were fine if it took 3 weeks and they had to get it off the delivery truck), my direct supervisor was an imbecile...and so on. Then again one of my Leads was cool...married him.

Anyway, all I have to do is remind myself of all that. And even if I went back to my profession (chiropractor) I would still have people not listening to me (can get that from my 4 year old), doing crazy things with their bodies and expecting me to fix them (again, my son, but now I'm outsourcing his chiro care to someone else, LOL), and so on.


And if I went back, no more pajama days! You really must try that, OP. Much more comfy than real clothes. At least for grownups.

 

[dyna]

Take it from someone who's been a SAHM for more than 30 yrs your friends and family ENVY you.

YES I been a SAHM for more than 30 yrs my youngest just turned 18 earlier this month. I can't imagine trying to work an doing all the things I've had to do over the years with house, hauling kids, cooking, yard work the laundry etc. NO THANKS I've been happy at home.

 

[Katy Belle]

What does your DH do? Could he get a job overseas somewhere? My DH is an accountant for a big oil company and we are expats in the Middle East right now and loving it! If you were Air Force you are probably used to moving every couple of years. We are able to travel a bunch, with our children, and be with neat people from lots of different cultures.

I know guys in lots of different fields here ... Maybe its something your DH would consider?

By the way... I've been a SAHM for 13 years now! I'm happy that I've stuck it out, I think my kids have benefitted and so have I!
Katy

 

[crisi]

I'm a working mom, but some things that might help.

No one "gets it all" - Angelina Jolie probably goes off to the set in exciting locations saying "I should be home with my kids."

You've been fortunate enough to choose. Regardless of whether you work outside the home, or are a SAHM - if you got the choice, you've been lucky. For most women in the world - thoughout history and now - there really isn't a choice. They either HAVE to work or they don't eat, or they can't work if they want to living in a culture where once they have kids they have a duty to stay home.

A lot of glamour looks more attractive from a distance. A few years ago my employer asked me to go to Ireland! Exciting huh. Working twelve to sixteen hour days in the 'burbs outside Belfast in an office that was built to look exactly like mine. Leaving my kids for ten days. Jet lag. Hotel room. I told them I couldn't leave the kids and they should send someone else.

 

[MineeBaby]

I really should try pajama days, haha! We keep a pretty good schedule, including making beds and getting dressed before coming downstairs for the morning. We do lots of playgroups and there is another mommy we visit with at least once a week. I agree with remember the working days and not wishing to go back to it for a second and I am just thrilled I have the option to stay at home with my kids. I think it is the excitement of travel, meeting people, going places, being involved in something that seems so cool and would be what I was doing if I didn't have kids at all. (which isn't even close to what I have ever wanted. I have wanted to have a 4 or 5 kids for as long as I can remember). So, I think I just have this irrational desire to "have it all" like Angelia portrays she has, hahaha! But, I know that no one can have it all so it is just silly. I am sorry that there are some of you who get the blues sometimes too, but it is really great to hear from the veteran moms that they wouldn't change it for the world. Thank you veteran mommies!!!

 

[PollyannaMom]

I like what someone said about seasons. - This is a phase in your life. Figure out the best things about it (like the previously mentioned PJ days, or whatever is "it" for you) and enjoy them to the fullest.

And another poster was also right when she said your friends who are "doing something" are probably jealous of your adorable kids.

Also, when you really need perspective to get through a day, talk to older people. - I've never, ever, heard one say "I wish I'd worked more and spent less time with the kids!"

Wishing you a pixie dust kind of day.

 

[jjhardy]

I am a SAHM of a former 29 week preemie. The thing that gets me down the most is when I ask my hubby for a break and say I'm tired and his response is why are you tired you didn't do anything today but play. He alos doesn't understand why somedays I can't get the house cleaned or pick up the toys. He doesn't understand when I say well DD just wanted to hang on me all day and whine and cry unless I was sitting with her playing or reading a book. He says well I worked all day at work where I can't where my PJs all day and can't take a nap if I wanted to. It frustrates me to no end.

I think it comes from his mom being a stay at home mom but she's freakin' June Cleaver! I swear she lives in the 50s! She is very sexist in how she raised the kids too. The boys never learned how to cook, clean or do laundry but they sure do know how to do yard work and their sister knows how to cook, clean and do laundry but doesn't do yard work. She also babies all of them still! It annoys me eating dinner with them because his mom NEVER sits down. By the time she does someone needs a refill on their drink and she's jumping up to get it for them. She makes the the two youngest 22 and 17 breakfast everyday, lunch and dinner. She waits on them hand and foot and does their laundry. No wonder the 22 doesn't want to move out!!!!!

 

[minkydog]

So, I think I just have this irrational desire to "have it all" like Angelia portrays she has, hahaha!

Angelina has staff. You & I don't

 

[princess&her4princes]

Just a quick note to let you know, even though some SAHM may not admit it, we ALL feel the same way from time to time. It's the hardest job in the world and the grass is always greener on the other side....I"m sure your working friends would give anything to be where you are right now. I know that doesn't make you feel better but just know that when you're second guessing being at home with your babies, know you're doing what is best for your family. I"ve been home for almost 6 years now and am now the Mommy to three young boys and I sometimes feel like I"ve lost my identity but I've started volunteering for 3 hours on the weekends at our local ER and doing things with friends from time to time at night and it's not only making me a whole person again but helping my DH and my relationship too. We're all there for you!!

 

[KK'sMommy]

Thank you for summing up what I have been feeling for the past couple of weeks. I LOVE being with my kids and I am beyond grateful for being home with them. I know this is where God wants me to be. I just can't help but feel totally useless sometimes. Lately I have just been feeling kind of down because I feel like I am not really helping anyone. Even though my kids are thriving, I just feel lonesome sometimes. My DH has a very stressful job and we just don't get the kind of time together that I would like. We have been trying to save money for our upcoming trip to WDW, but that means that we have given up a lot this summer to take our dream vacation. It is totally worth it, but it has been a long summer. Like I said, it is SUCH a blessing that I get to stay home, I just need some me time!

 

[crisi]

Angelina has staff. You & I don't

You know, for working mom's - the nanny is staff (or, if you stretch a little, the day care lady) - it doesn't mean we get it all - we still might miss the first steps or the first time your kid writes his name or losing the first tooth. I'm sure Angelina has missed those events as well (she is to the number of kids where even as a stay at home mom, odds are the tooth falls out when you are busy with the baby for one of those kids) - and she wouldn't be a good mom if she wasn't torn about it.

 

[Disneyfanatic108]

Count me in too. I absolutely know how you feel. I've been a SAHM for 9 years. Working part-time isn't an option b/c DH is a volunteer firefighter so I have to be home all the time incase he gets call. He makes more on one call than I would make in two hours so other than social interaction it doesn't make sense for me to work part-time and then pay a sitter to hang around just incase DH has to leave.

It's to the point now were I unfortunetly feel, well... as prisoners who have been in prison for years would say.... institutionalized. Almost afraid to get back to the work place. I guess my biggest issue is not having a social network or anyone over 9 to talk to on a regular basis.
I received this email a longtime ago, but saved it for moments when I was feeling down. I'll share, just to give everyone a positive boost or at very least a good laugh.

Position: Mother/Mom/Momma



Job Description: Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an ever changing, often stress-filled environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some over-night shifts and travel required, including trips to the Emergency Room, and primitive camping sights on rainy weekends, and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.



Responsibilities: Must be willing to commit the rest of your life. Must act as events coordinator, secretary/receptionist, driver, psychologist, language interpreter, nurse, dietician, cook, personal shopper, housekeeper, seamstress, accountant, tutor, and au pair. Responsibilities also include daily floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must also be willing to be hated, at least until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite your tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat (in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not just crying wolf.) Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, wrestling with large appliances, mysteriously sluggish toilets, very tight knots and stuck zippers. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, and then an embarrassment to the team the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final and complete accountability for the quality of the end product.



Possibility for Advancement & Promotion: Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaint, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.



Previous Experience: None required. A background in child growth and development, psychology, and medical training helpful.

A loving attitude and complete selflessness is required.



Salary: Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18, because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.



Benefits: While there is no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options offered; fringe benefits include limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life, if you play your cards right.

 

[MineeBaby]

Angelina has staff. You & I don't

Thanks for helping me start my day LAUGHING MY HEAD OFF!!

princess&her4princes: I am so glad that you are feeling better with your ER volunteering. I completely get the whole identity issue, though for me it comes and goes because husband is nothing but understanding and helpful and always has the right things to say.

KK'sMommy: Yay for Disney trips! The long summer is almost over and you will be on your trip soon. When do you all go? We are leaving in just around 2 and a half weeks and we are very excited! It is so nice knowing that you are doing God's will--I pray about my situation, but I don't pray well or as often as I should and I sometimes question if THIS is what God wants me to do in my life right now. I have been having some anxiety the past several months and it makes me think that it is a way for God to let me know that I could be doing something better. But in the end I think it really is just me having a hard time slowing down the pace and enjoying everything in my life that is going so wonderfully. I fear something is going to happen (illness or something catastrophic) to make our nice little life fall apart. Pretty silly. I love being home with my children, but I think my mind goes idle and wanders or somewhere in me I think my bordom can be fixed by traveling the world or contributing somewhere. Like a previous poster said, everything else will be there when the kids are grown. Everything else can wait.

Thanks for the support, ladies!! Have a great day!

 

[Harvest02]

I know how you feel. I know in my case, being a SAHM really did a number on my self-esteem. Some days it seemed like my only purpose in life was to scrub toilets and change diapers. Don't get me wrong, I loved having the time with my kids, but sometimes living life in a toddlers world can be rough on an adult.

My kids are now going into 2nd and 3rd grade. I've started substitute teaching some, and just really enjoying my off days. It is finally time for me to be able to concentrate on things that make me feel good about myself.

And if I had to do it all over again, I would do it the same. Where it may not always have been the best for me, I know it was the best for my kids. While they may not be perfect, I get complaiments from lots of people, even complete strangers on how well behaved and polite my kids are. And I know that's because of me (and dh )and the sacrafices we made for them.

It doesn't last forever (although, somedays it seems like it) and in the long run, I think most of time SAHM's look back and agree it was worth it. Someday they will be grown and gone, and you'll never get the chance to be a SAHM to a little one again. Egypt and Australia will always be there.

Wow!! You sound just like me! I also substitute teach in our school district, and since school just started there have not been any sub jobs yet. I have felt lonely and alone. I know when the sub jobs start, that will not be the case anymore!!! I sub almost every day once it starts, so I don't have much time. You also said it best about how many compliments you get about your kids. I get that all the time too. In fact, I just had lunch with my 3rd grader at school today(his request), and his teacher brought the kids to lunch. She said that he is the most well behaved child and enjoys helping some of the kids in the class. He also has signed their "personal best" chart in the class almost every day since school started! I know that has alot to do with how he was raised, even though I don't want to admit it sometimes. OP, you will never get their childhood back. Enjoy the time with them. I cherished every moment I had with mine when I was a SAHM. Don't feel that your "not doing anything with your life". Know that you are raising your own kids, and someone else is not. It is a very rewarding feeling knowing that. I also have a 6th grader and he is active in sports, and will be starting band this year. He is a straight A student also. So, OP, hang in there! I know it can be lonely at times, but it will be worth it in the end!!!!

 

[nannerbadnanner]

I have been a SAHM for almost two years, and I have not missed working a FT job at all. One thing I did was get involved with a Mom's group immediately. That really helped me adjust to staying home, and gave us a place to be and people to spend time with.

This year, I was asked to be one of the leaders, and it has been so much fun handling the budget, planning and organizing the meetings, and acting as a mentor to other new moms.

I guess my advice is to examine what your are missing. Is it social interaction? Travel? A sense of purpose? Using your brain? Once you figure what you are missing, it will be easier to fill the void. I knew from the beginning that I would miss having a sense of purspose which is why I found a mom's group and started volunteering my time.

 

[NY_MOM]

I can completely sympathize with what you're feeling. I have been home with my DD(turning 5 in September) since she was born. Before that I was a pre-k teacher, and really did love my job. Since being home there have been times where I've felt blue and frustrated, however now that she's on her way to kindergarten I wouldn't have changed these past years for anything in the world. She is bright, funny, compassionate and a wonderful little girl and I am so proud that I have been there every day to love her, nurture her, and cultivate the person she is becoming. What I did do was return to school to obtain my masters degree, and it was a great feeling. Although I won't be returning to work in the near future, I do understand feeling a little blue every now and then, but relish in the fact that you have been there for every milestone, becuase they are truly wonderful and that is success in my book.

 

[pooh4evr]

I have been home for 5 yrs now, at first it was really tough - after DD#2 was born I quit work, had bad PPD and just felt like I was staring at this long dark tunnel to nowhere- what would I do all day where would I go who would I talk to -- It got better-- when I had #3 I made sure to take meds for the PPD and now I don't know how I would have been able to keep working-- my days aren't filled with exciting stimulating conversation BUT I am able to do thing that would ahve been harder to do for my girls had I been working-- Don't get me wrong there are many days where I am thinking of that old joke -Take My Wife Please - except its my kids-- but overall it will and does get better- now the older 2 are in school full time and I miss them alot and Kate is my little side kick, so now I run around trying to get as much as I can finished before they come home because then the real work begins, dance, soccer, piano... -- of course Dh works about 80 hrs a week so EVERYTHING here falls to me from laundry to all the yard work --- I guess I don't have many words of wisdom here but it will get better as they sat THis too Shall Pass-- then you'll be wondering where all the time went!

 

[ellyn2000]

I've been in your place in some ways, and you'll never regret the time you spent nurturing your children. What I missed most were the "grown up" parts of life. Maybe you can work out a plan for a mother's morning out program that will allow you a few hours to volunteer or just have some grown up activity. It's really important to have some time for yourself and your husband together, too. I returned to work when my youngest started school and it made me so happy. But I'm so thankful I was able to be home with them when they needed me most. I hope you work out a solution soon. Until then, know that there are plenty of us out here that felt the same way at some point.