OT: pitiful, need support

[hugabearjo]

I know this isn't the place but this is where I spend my time. I have lost everything in the last year and a half. Feeling so low and don't know where to turn. My kids 2 of 3 (16 and 18) ran away last year to do drugs when I wouldn't allow it. Then just when my grief was stabilizing from that My mom had a major heart attack and had quint bypass valve replacement and a whole in her heart replaced. Spent 23 days in the hospital. While she was in the hospital my best friend and total support died. I have spent so much time in the last years being a single mom, daughter of a single needy mom and best friend that I now find myself with no one. So tired and desperate for rest and spread so thin.....and mom who is still recovering so demanding and thinks my grief is an insult to her. Ugh.....it has been 45 days since I had any time to myself even to shower regularly or sleep in my own bed, and she thinks it is that I am mad at her. Ugh........anyway really want to go on vacation but have NO ONE. And I really am a people person been so caught up in helping everyone else. Where at forty four do you find friends? Help......so scared.....this can't be the rest of my life.

Thanks for listening.

 

[bearloch]

first you MUST take time for yourself! then you can start to become a person again and go out andmake friends!! you may have to face the fact that you cant makeyour Mom happy all the time and you dont have to! you have to make yourself happy some too!

good luck!

as far as friends he schools usualy have adult rec classes in the falltake a craft/ computer something yur interested in!

 

[Planogirl]

I agree - take time for yourself. Do some things that you enjoy and you'll get more and more used to doing some things alone.

Do you attend church? That can be a great place to meet people. If you have the time and would enjoy it, you might be able to volunteer for something you believe in.

I'm sorry that you're having a tough time.

 

[zeferjen]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I would recommend a support group for dealing with the choices of your children. Perhaps Alanon? Also, meetup.org is a great place to find groups of like minded people. Choose one that reflects your interests... knitting, book club, movie discussions, etc.

 

[mrsklamc]

Do you have a faith? Church/temple, etc can be a great place both to meet people and grow a support system.

 

[whoopsiedoodle]

First of all (((((((HUGS)))))))) It's sooo tough when everything seems to fall apart at the same time! It's also tough when you become the caregiver to an ailing parent. Is there anyway that you can explain to her what you are feeling without her taking it personally? If not the only thing you can do is seperate yourself as much as possible in order to get your head on straight. Do you have any hobbies that you used to love doing!? Or ones you have always wanted to start? Knitting, playing pool, reading, sports, etc? See if you can find a local group that meets once a month or so and go to a meeting. If you love it then keep it up and see if others in the group meet more often or do things outside the group. Do you have a church? They always have gatherings and things for people to meet people. I would also recommend reading a book called "The Four Agreements" It's about a completely different way to view the world and your life and your though process. It's pretty empowering if you like those kind of books. It's actually an ancient Toltec way of thinking.

 

[Stasia5]

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so low and have suffered so much. You really do need to find time for yourself. Just because something is difficult, that doesn't mean it's impossible. Have you thought about volunteer work? Find an organization that interests you and find out how you can help. Not only will you get to be involved in something you enjoy, you'll get to meet people who share your interests. I'm sure new friendships will follow. Take care.

 

[hugabearjo]

Thanks guys...will find time to volunteer when mom is a bit more stable. I used to volunteer at church all the time. We were very involved with our local church until my children made choices then they kicked us out. " needed to purify the church" and " think of church reputation" haven't been back to a church since. We live in a small town and most of the churches hold joint activities with the one we attended for years being the big one. Wow.....when you write it all down sound so unbelievable. It really is true......

 

[whoopsiedoodle]

Thanks guys...will find time to volunteer when mom is a bit more stable. I used to volunteer at church all the time. We were very involved with our local church until my children made choices then they kicked us out. " needed to purify the church" and " think of church reputation" haven't been back to a church since. We live in a small town and most of the churches hold joint activities with the one we attended for years being the big one. Wow.....when you write it all down sound so unbelievable. It really is true......

WOW!!! That doesn't sound like a very good church to me!!! isn't beloning to a church, regardless of religion, supposed to make you part of the "church family"!? Shouldn't that have been the prefect time for them to rally around you and help you get through your tough times!? I know you said you live in a small town but is there another church you could go to? A priest or pastor that you could sit down with and talk about what happened at your last church and explain that you desperately need support and the church back in your life? Good luck!

 

[BebopBaloo]

Hey hugabearjo, I'm sorry you're having to go through all of this. It always seems that everything happens at once, though not always to this degree. I can't pretend to fathom what you are going through, but wanted to show some support. Other posters have made some good suggestions about how to meet other people, rec centers, etc. It really stinks that the churches in your community are behaving that way. I just want you to know, and perhaps you already do, that just because a church kicked you out doesn't mean that the church kicked you out. God is greater than their ridiculous behavior. Hang in there and keep your eyes on the horizon.

Hugs, prayers, and best wishes for your days ahead.

 

[disneyhand]

Just a thought, is there anyway you could afford for someone to come in and help with your Mom a couple hours a day? My parents need in home help now 24/7 and we use a caregiver companion service. They have been so helpful. It can be expensive, but in our case, my parents had extended health insurance that covers quite a bit of it. You really need a break.

 

[disneybound31]

Your situation sounds SO very difficult- we are listening and are here to support you- sending up a prayer that your children will find their way back to you...many times kids will test the waters but eventually come back to find the love of their mother...just keep trying, but stand your ground. You sound like a great mother and a great daughter.

 

[MomToOne]

I suggest you seek professional help. You have an overwhelming load at this point, and need proper face-to-face psychological and emotional support, not just posts on a chat board. Call your primary care provider for a referral.

 

[CTdiznymom]

I'm very sorry for your situation. Taking care of your elderly parent can be very stressful. My DH and I are dealing with both our mothers right now and it hasn't been pleasant. All I can say is you need to tune out the guilt trips that are thrown your way. Take time for yourself to destress. Even if it's a walk around the block. Try to find support help for her so you can distance yourself from the power struggles. At this point in your life, things should be on your terms, not moms or your childrens. Good Luck to you.

 

[mistysue]

You said 2 of your 3 children ran away- where is the 3rd one? Is the 3rd an older child, or do you have a younger one around? If they are around, I started meeting people by enrolling my oldest in swim class and talking to the other parents while we were all stuck waiting in the same area.

I would also take the PP's advice about talking to another church. Obviously some people in your old church were making strange decisions, and maybe it was more a sign that you moved past them, not the other way around. You don't sound like a crappy person... and I can't say that about them.

Meeting people can be really frustrating though, I wish we could just walk up to some random person on the street and have a new best friend. You know who are really talkative? Local shop owners in small towns. When I get lonely sometimes I just wander into town an ask a stupid question, sometimes half the day is gone just chatting about whatever. I bet you could quickly figure out who you liked talking to and just start to frequent that place. Most of our shops here do some sort of random gatherings, which would lead you to more people who liked to talk to the same person.
Unfortunately I'm a social idiot and always say the exact wrong things, but I think if I stopped putting my foot in my mouth for more than 10 minutes I would probably know a ton of people through some local shops.

 

[hugabearjo]

Thanks again, my third child is older he is 21 works full time has a girl friend and and is very busy. I will try a new church soon. Are there singles travel clubs? Went to Disney with the kids for many years, I am really missing it. Really thought I had two more graduation trips to go...... Ugh....I don't wallow long but tonight feeling so discouraged.

 

[christineann]

First of all, a heartfelt to you. Last year was tough (though not as tough as your situation) in that I helped care for my dad, who I was very close to, during his illness. Exactly three weeks after he died, my son got married (good to keep us busy, but overwhelming, too). Major stress at my job plus the 50 mile round trip commute didn't help either. Now my mom is alone for the first time in 60+ years, so I help her with errands and chores and spend time with her when I can.

Anyway, I found that the church was very supportive (and I'm so sorry that yours isn't ). I've been volunteering for several organizations, which is a reach for me since I'm shy, and it has given me an emotional boost. I also have made the extra effort to try to spend a little time when I get home from work reading or gardening to decompress - it really makes a difference when I can do it.

to you.

P.S. I have two wonderful dogs who are great companions and make me smile. They are always glad to see me and think I'm awesome

 

[anna08]

I am so sorry to hear what you are living through - one thing I thought of is how you mentioned your mom is very demanding, and depression is a very common side effect of being on bypass for heart surgery. Some folks show their depression by being almost intolerable to others around them, and usually are worse with their caregivers. If you can, you might ask her if she's depressed and if she'll admit to it, urge her to talk to her doctors about it. They will not be surprised and could offer her treatment that might improve your situation greatly.

I have personally met really wonderful women at the YMCA exercise classes in my area, and at sewing classes. It is so hard to make those first steps outside your normal routine but soooo worth it!!

Good Luck friend!

 

[Mom2Ben02]

Facebook! There is always someone to talk to. I have reconnected with many old friends, that have become "hey, wanna grab a bite?" friends.

 

[gk90]

I've heard very positive things about Nar-Anon and Al-Anon--at their meetings you'll find people who understand the pain you're experiencing over your children.
I see that there are lots of Narcotics Anonymous meetings in several eastern Oregon towns, http://portaltools.na.org/portaltools/MeetingLoc/ but not many Nar-Anon meetings, http://nar-anon.org/Nar-Anon/Oregon.html maybe you could start one. http://nar-anon.org/Nar-Anon/Start_A_Meeting.html
But Al-Anon meetings are available in Eastern Oregon and you could find some emotional help there:
http://www.oregonal-anon.org/meetings.html

And re. your question on singles travel clubs, here's the link for the Disney single travelers board
http://www.disboards.com/forumdisplay.php?f=54

Hoping you find the support you need! Like others have said, shame on your church--they sound like the bad Pharisees in the gospels. Try the churches that don't have a connection with that one.