OT: other non-spankers feel discriminated against?

[Bektasmic]

Please no flames on this one, and I fully recognize there are all styles of parenting. Just looking for a little support out there from other non-spanking parents. In my community I don't know any other parents who are non-spankers, which is fine (I guess). What isn't fine with me is when people try to tell me that I should just spank him instead of "wasting all that time" with discipline charts and talking to him about his behavior (he's 6 and TOTALLY understands...he's understood since he was 1 when he's done something wrong). I also don't appreciate going to public places (like a recent Dave Ramsey Financial class for which we paid money to attend) and hearing that "non-spankers are what's wrong with this country" and having everyone stand up and applaud.

Let me say, aside from parental bias, my son is very well behaved. His teachers comment that he is respectful to adults and is easily redirected when he gets out of line. We have maybe one tantrum a year and I am confident we're making the right choice on this. I don't comment on other people's choices although I am in complete philosophical disagreement with it. What I'm wondering is if any other non-spanking parents out there have had the same experience of being preached at by spanking parents and if how people have diffused that situation without getting nasty.

 

[saremca]

We've been preached at plenty of times. I usually smile and nod and then ignore it. I have no problem with parents who spank. I don't think that they're bad or abusive or what have you. They just choose to discipline differently. That's up to them.

It is very possible to raise respectful, good-mannered, well-behaved children without spanking them. My kids are 17, 14 & 10 and are all of the above. Are they perfect? No way, but they're great kids.

I've seen children who are not spanked who are wonderful and children who are not spanked who are terrors. I have seen children who ARE spanked who are wonderful and children who ARE spanked who are terrors. I don't think you can hang a child's bad behavior all on spanking or not spanking. Giving your kid a smack on the butt isn't going to magically change them from a nightmare into a model child.

 

[ObsessedwiththeMouse]

.

 

[rluey29]

I'm not going to flame you at all, but I am a spanker. I believe that different tactics work for different children. It depends on their personality.

My oldest was very troublesome when he was small. I tried the whole talking thing but it didn't work. He ended up having ADHD. I had to spank him quite a few times, but I tried to pick my battles. We usually only spanked if it was something that we had warned him repeatedly about or if it was dangerous to himself or others. On the flip side, I never have to spank him now! He learned his rules and boundaries early and knows what I expect of him. We have a great relationship and he's a great kid!

My youngest is polar opposite. He is a calm little boy who actually understands to stop when I tell him no. I don't see many spankings, if any at all, in his future.

Let me be sure to clarify that my spankings are just a pop or two on the butt or leg. Hard enough to get their attention. I've seen people just beat their kids repeatedly for every little thing and I feel awful for them. Those are the parents that need to get a grip.

 

[Later_Mater2009]

I am a non spanker, only because its not what is best for MY kids, all kids are different and I have two complete opposites, one is shy and gets his feelings hurt easy and the other is a "catch me if you can" type..LOL.. he is a challenge but I tried spanking early on and all it did was teach him how to hit, so we stopped that cold turkey, he would do something I warrned him not to and so then i would pop his bottom or leg and then he didnt like that so he would hit me back.. I said OK enough of that we have to take another approach. I can honestly say removing him from the situation and explaining how he was bad works great for us, its more work, but its what he needs. my family cant believe im like this but my family isnt raising my child so they dont realllllly know .. I listen and never am rude I just know this works best. I never had to spank my older shy quiet child, he was corrected easily with firm talking to.. I always saw parents letting their kids be bad and act out I remember like in doctors offices and whatever.. and I was younger and had no kids, I thought "why dont they just spank em, thats what they need" LOL and now Im in that position, spanking just doesnt work for some.. and thats ok with me.. just so you know you arent ALONE..

 

[MusiqChic99]

I don't and will not spank my child. My son will be 3 in May and all I have to do is give him a look or say no and he knows he can't do something. Maybe I just have a good kid, I dont know but I just dont feel the need to hit him. Even on his worst times I've never though Ok I'll just him and that will make everything better.

My hubby's sister is in town with her twins and she spanks them over the littlest things. I think that is where I dont get it. When is it ok to hit your child? On which behavior do you think "ok he needs to be spanked". Other times she just yells at them. They dont behave at all but I feel that they react to her "tone". I might lash out if someone talked to me that way too and then smacked me???....

And I dont agree with the "not spanking is what is wrong with this world". Lots of children are spanked and are no more behaved then a child who isn't spanked. I just dont buy that at all.

 

[DISNEYNV]

I grew up in a household where spanking was the discipline of choice and when I had kids I knew I wasn't going to do any spanking. It's a parental choice and I do not see it as a positive form of discipline. Just my opinion here, but I do not want my kids to fear me in that respect like I did my parents. Nor do I want them to think of physically hurting someone as a punishment. Believe me I have came close but always stop myself. I think it is a normal reaction though to spank. I just give myself a timeout or tell myself that it is not what I believe in doing. I know just a few parents that spank their kids but most don't. I never felt discriminated against for not doing it. It's your choice as a parent how to discipline as long as it's not physical abuse I don't see anything wrong if it works for you and your family. The same goes for choosing not to spank

 

[disneybridetobe]

I think regardless if you spank or don't spank, there are always going to be people berating you for your choices. I think it really depends on the kid, the parent and the behavior committed. To be honest, I thought I would be a spanker, and now that I have my daughter and I know her personality, I'm not going to be spanking this child! It's one of those things I said I'd do but never did once I had a child... we all have those.

Don't let those people get to you-- we all have different situations, and we all do what we think is right for our children. Sometimes it goes against the mainstream, and we just have to stick to our convictions.

 

[Worfiedoodles]

If it helps, I don't know a single parent in my community who does spank. Just not done around here. Maybe it's somewhat regional? I never considered spanking to be an option. DS is 11 now, so he's almost big enough he'd be spanking me!

 

[worm761]

I don't spank. I stopped when he looked at me and told me that didn't hurt and went right back to doing what he wasn't supposed to be doing. Obviously it didn't work. So we went to time out and removal of privileges. It works for us. Spanking works for some people. I don't have a problem with how they discipline their children. I have caught slack and I just tell them that when they are raising MY child, they get an opinion, until then they don't. It shut them up.

Now I think the problem with children today is a lack of discipline, spanking or otherwise. Children are having children and they don't know how to parent so they are friends with their kids! I am not my child's friend. He has those. I see so many kids misbehaving and the parent doing nothing. They need discipline. Spanking, time out, what ever happens to work for that child. Just my opinion though.

 

[nessz79]

We used to spank and I think it may have worked somewhat, but as the kids got older we found 2 things: 1- that other discipline methods could work just as well (time outs coupled with talking it out, other natural consequences) and 2- my youngest began hitting kids at his pre-school. I thought how can I tell him that it's wrong to hit when we spank? I'm not against spanking but I didn't think a 4 year old could really understand the difference between spanking and outright hitting. So we stopped spanking and I must say that the kids both hit much less often than they used to.

I have seen people ostracized on both sides of the issue because of their discipline methods. I have seen spankers looked at as child abusers and I have seen non-spankers looked at as passive or submissive parents.

I've seen children who are not spanked who are wonderful and children who are not spanked who are terrors. I have seen children who ARE spanked who are wonderful and children who ARE spanked who are terrors. I don't think you can hang a child's bad behavior all on spanking or not spanking. Giving your kid a smack on the butt isn't going to magically change them from a nightmare into a model child.

I totally agree with this. It's how you set an example for your kids. It's how consistent you are with the rules. It's how you follow up after consequences have been applied. It's how you show you love your kids no matter what. The actual discipline method I think is secondary to all of those factors.

 

[cogero]

I don't spank. I stopped when he looked at me and told me that didn't hurt and went right back to doing what he wasn't supposed to be doing.

Now I think the problem with children today is a lack of discipline, spanking or otherwise. Children are having children and they don't know how to parent so they are friends with their kids! I am not my child's friend. He has those. I see so many kids misbehaving and the parent doing nothing. They need discipline. Spanking, time out, what ever happens to work for that child. Just my opinion though.

Okay this is so my daughter LOL I made her stand in a corner one day, she was 3 and it was the best punishment for her.

I did spank my 16 month old for pulling a glass vase off a table today, I am not a big proponet of spanking but my little guy really doesn't understand it is dangerous right now.

I think every child is different and every situation is different.. I think as long as you have a good discipline system set up that is important.

Also wanted to agree with the poster who said that there is a general lack of discipline. We don't go to fundraisers at my daughters school because they are a free for all for the kids since the parents are working and not watching the kids. My daughter is not allowed to behave like that. It really annoys me about that.

 

[DisneyCowgirl]

What in the world makes Dave Ramsey an expert on child discipline?!?

 

[brockash]

Just wanted to say that we're also non-spankers, so you're definetely not alone.

 

[design_mom]

I've never spanked my kids. I'm not against it entirely, but I was once told never to hit a child in anger. I've tried to take that to heart. The only times that I felt like they "deserved it," I was too angry to do it. So I walked away, and during the cooling off period, I came up with another way to discipline.

I don't remember getting any comments about non-spanking specifically, but people feel entitled to comment on just about every aspect of parenting... so the fact that others have received them don't surprise me. (I've certainly gotten comments about other things!) As my mother says, "Let it roll off, like water from a duck's back."

 

[princessmom29]

I am on the opposite side of this discussion. I get looked down on for spanking. Some of my friends have a very superior attitude about it. They also have children that a holy trrors, but that's another story. It is not b/c they don't spank them it is because they don't take time with them. Time to discipline or time to play. Anyway, I only very rarely spank DD5. It has to be something that is a threat to her safety like when she was small and tried to run into the street, or a disrespect issue we have addressed repeatedly. I really get annoyed with people who tell me I shouldn't spank her. In my opinion there comes a point in time where my particular child is no longer responding to all the talking i am donig. We will discuss why something is not ok, and she will lose TV, wii, or get a time out and then she is doing it agian within a few minutes. This is when I feel spanking is warranted. Fortunately I rarely have to do it. It is not for eveyone and I get that, but I get tired of being told I shouldn't do it.

 

[SharkyGoddess]

I don't really feel discriminated against, but I do get sick of those "slap your kid" comments. So, here's how I handled just such a person who happend to be a family member and avid spanker.

We were all gathered at one of our wonderful family get togethers and as usual she was being herself which meant, IMO she was being inappropriate. So I whipped around, grabbed her arm and spanked her butt til she yelped. She teared up in both pain and embarassment, holding her butt and asked me what I thought I was doing. In my best MOM voice I said "Well young lady, you sould know better than to stick your noise in to other people's business. Maybe that little butt bustin' will teach you a lesson for next time!" You'd be amazed how many knowing smiles I got from the other family members who are just as sick of seeing her smack her kids for breathing the wrong way. What broke my heart the worst was her daughter who was 5 at the time finding me later and hugging me telling me "thank you". I've always said if it's ok to spank a child, it should be ok to spank an adult for the same behavior. Let's face it, many adults act just as bad as kids!

 

[MusiqChic99]

I don't really feel discriminated against, but I do get sick of those "slap your kid" comments. So, here's how I handled just such a person who happend to be a family member and avid spanker.

We were all gathered at one of our wonderful family get togethers and as usual she was being herself which meant, IMO she was being inappropriate. So I whipped around, grabbed her arm and spanked her butt til she yelped. She teared up in both pain and embarassment, holding her butt and asked me what I thought I was doing. In my best MOM voice I said "Well young lady, you sould know better than to stick your noise in to other people's business. Maybe that little butt bustin' will teach you a lesson for next time!" You'd be amazed how many knowing smiles I got from the other family members who are just as sick of seeing her smack her kids for breathing the wrong way. What broke my heart the worst was her daughter who was 5 at the time finding me later and hugging me telling me "thank you". I've always said if it's ok to spank a child, it should be ok to spank an adult for the same behavior. Let's face it, many adults act just as bad as kids!

AMEN!!!! I feel the same way. You can't go around hitting any adult you feel is doing something you don't like...I mean try doing it...see what happens. It shouldn't be ok to hit your kids either!

 

[fussymonkey]

I am on the opposite side of this coin... I spank and feel like some moms look down on me for it.

I HATE spanking my kids. I've never spanked DS and can't imagine doing so, he's so easily redirected by other things. But DD...I've had to spank her a few times. The thing with her is that the threat of a spank is so powerful, it will almost always correct her without ever escalating to an actual spank. She can loose toys and privlidges all day long, depeding on her mood, and not care, but she cares about spanks. For most discipline issues we will put a toy in quarnatine (on top of the china cabinet) or take away privlidges, but sometimes when there's just out and out defiance or saftey issues, I will do the whole, "if you don't [whatever it is I want her to do] by the time I count to three, little lady, you'll have trouble" and she knows that at three she will get a spank and she'll comply.

In the end the best methods depend a) on the child and b)on the parent. We dont' all have to parent the same way. Spank, not spank, whatever works for your child.

 

[SharkyGoddess]

I am on the opposite side of this coin... I spank and feel like some moms look down on me for it.

I HATE spanking my kids. I've never spanked DS and can't imagine doing so, he's so easily redirected by other things. But DD...I've had to spank her a few times. The thing with her is that the threat of a spank is so powerful, it will almost always correct her without ever escalating to an actual spank. She can loose toys and privlidges all day long, depeding on her mood, and not care, but she cares about spanks. For most discipline issues we will put a toy in quarnatine (on top of the china cabinet) or take away privlidges, but sometimes when there's just out and out defiance or saftey issues, I will do the whole, "if you don't [whatever it is I want her to do] by the time I count to three, little lady, you'll have trouble" and she knows that at three she will get a spank and she'll comply.

In the end the best methods depend a) on the child and b)on the parent. We dont' all have to parent the same way. Spank, not spank, whatever works for your child.

I love the choice of words here!!! It's what I do too. Especially favorite tv shows or movies.