OT - "Onlys" and Parents of Onlys - Help please!

[DisneyAllison]

Hello,
I know this is off topic, but I thought I might get the best response here.

I am 31 years old and just found out that I am facing a total hysterectomy this summer. I did not expect this news at all, but it is needed. (I have very severe endometreosis and severe polycystic ovarian syndrome.)

Anyway, besides being VERY nervous about the surgery, I am sad that we will not be able to have more children. I know it is the best thing, but it is hard to swallow. I always hear people say negative things about only children, and that bothers me. I feel like my DD will be fine, but then part of me feels worried and guilty that I cannot give her a sibling.

To those "Onlys" and parents of "Onlys", please reaffirm that being an only child is OK after all. I am so interested in hearing other people's experiences. Also, please feel free to share if you have had the same / similar surgery. I am sooo... nervous!

Thank you!

 

[hereyago]

Sorry about what you have to go through. I am an only,41 and my DM had a ectopic when I was 3, this may sound bad, but I am glad she did, she wasn't really into the mothering thing and I essentially raised myself, df worked a lot. I think if she did have a full term, I would have had to take care of it and me as well.

Now, I have an only DD10 by choice and there isnt' going to be a sibling. I don't feel bad about her not growing up with a sibling, there are no guarantees that siblings would get along.

People are surprised my DD is an only because she doesnt fit into the sterotype becuse I don't allow her to be.

My friend DD8 is the sterotypical only and she is now pregnant and heaven help that baby because the friend has taught dd that she is the center of it all. It isn't cute when a 8 yo tries to unwrap other kids' presents at the kid's party.

 

[Binnie]

Bless your heart! That's a lot to worry about all at once.

I am an only, and more than likely, my DD will be an only. We get a really bad rap, for sure, but we're not all that bad!

Growing up, I wished I had siblings, and even now there are times that I wish I did (mostly when I worry about my mom's health), but I've realized that even if I had siblings, I wouldn't necessarily have a good relationship with them! I look at my husband, who is one of 2. He and his brother gre up loathing eachother, and it continued into adulthood. I think I would feel worse if I had siblings I didn't like!

There are some really great things about onlies, too! We relate well to other grown ups starting from a really young age. Our parents have more time for us, so we excel academically, and (although it's yucky to think about) our parents have more money to spend on us, so we can do cool things like Disney trips!

I'm sorry that your decision is being made for you, but your little one will be OK. And if you really want another child, there's always adoption or foster care.

 

[luvs_eeyore]

First of all, I'm sorry for what you're dealing with. A good friend of mine went through it and I know how difficult it is.

As far as the only child thing, we are the parents of a 16yo only -- our son. He is a great kid, and loves being an only. He is definitely not a stereotypical only child ... he's outgoing, easily adaptable, has a ton of friends, is good with kids as well as adults ...

I saw this thread a while back ... it's all about onlies. There's a lot of good info in it.

http://disboards.com/showthread.php?t=2016545

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

I posted once on being an only and offended someone and I felt awful about it, so I can't beleive I am posting again. BUT, I want to just tell you one thing. Make sure she has strong family connections and if you don't have famliy, make "family" wih good friends. I have just 2 cousins and I see them maybe once every 5-8 years. I don't have any contact in the in between years. For me being an only was lonely because I had no extended family (the little I had was not around.) My DH's only brother passed away when I was pregnant with our oldest, so our kids have no cousins, aunts, uncles, anything. They feel bad about that, as do we. I just encourage her to feel a part of your extended family, it is even more important as she gets older then it is now.

Sorry for your surgery. I have been dealing with endometrosis and had my most recent surgery 2 1/2 years ago and know before long I will be having it again. It is so painful, I hope that this makes the pain go away and you to be able to fully enjoy your little girl. I know for me when it's bad, I can't enjoy anything and it starts to effect me mentally (feeling so down.)

Please take care...

 

[Stacerita]

I'm sorry to hear about what you are going through. Thoughts and prayers to you.

DD13 is an only and she loves it. Her and I are very close. She loves that she gets to have all the attention from me. I only have her softball games to go to and only her teachers to see at open house.

I was worried that she wouldn't have siblings, but she has been involved in great activities and made wonderful friends that way. She is also very close to her cousins so she does not lack for that sibling bond.

Just yesterday she mentioned that she was glad she was an only. Her reason was that she wanted me to make homemade lasangna for dinner, and I was able to do that for her. If she had any siblings, I would have to be fair and dinner choices might have to take turns. It may be something small, but it really made her day.

I love parenting an only. Its easy and fun. I know her inside and out and we have no issues. I also loved when she was young and I only had to worry about holding one hand. And the thought of never needing to go back to diaper bags is a blessing if you ask me. One child is enough for me.

Family is what you make it.

 

[MerMom60_94]

I am Mom to an only (DD14) and she is a great kid. I know what the stereotype is but your DD will only be self-centered if you don't open her eyes to other peoples feelings. Other people tell me all the time what a great kid she is. I would say she is more mature than a lot of her peers (in a good way) and has a good head on her shoulders from being with adults so much. Because she is an only, we can do a lot of special things that I couldn't afford if I had more than one child. We go to concerts, plays, our annual family trip to WDW. She also gets a lot of undivided attention from me and DH. The only time I feel guilty that I didn't give her siblings is when I think about when we are elderly and sick and eventually we are gone. Hopefully, by then, she will have her own little life with people she can share her life with. I can tell you, as one of six kids, having siblings doesn't really mean as much when you get older. We range in age from 48-62 and have all moved on to our own lives so we don't really spend an awful lot of time together. We get along for the most part but a lot of my siblings have moved on to having grandchildren and I still have a teen. One lives out of the country, two live out of state, and one lives over an hour away so only two of us live anywhere near each other. When my parents have had health issues / aging issues it has really come down to two of us being there on a regular basis. So having siblings hasn't really helped as much as one would assume.

Your DD will be fine. There are advantages to large families and there are different advantages to small families. Make the most of what you have and treasure your time with her. I am sorry, though, that this is a decision that is being made for you. Best of luck.

 

[ilandrazdsw]

May you have comfort during your surgery!

I am an only. My mom miscarried 2 or 3 times after me and she and dad decided to stop trying and be happy with one blessing. OK, as an only and now having 2...I AM SO GLAD I WAS AN ONLY!!! No offense to those who have siblings, but I really did like having mom and dad to myself...I was also an only grandchild on one side. My DS5 and DD3 have a love/bite/hit/tattle relationship. They do play well together, but they are not always "friends" and with DH gone for weeks at a time for work I get outnumbered!
Yes, I was very SPOILED! My parents included me in so much (that I may have missed out on if there were 2 or more kids) and I was not really treated as childish (go play with you sibling while mom and dad talk sort of thing). Sometimes it was boring not having another child to play with, but mom did a great job of playing with me and we lived in a neighborhood with some kids or I would have friends over from school. Also, my parents would offer to bring friends on vacations with us, which I think may have been less fighting.
It is not going to traumatize you DD to be an only...just as it didn't traumatize my DH to by 2nd of 4. Besides you never know who may join your family in the future in one way or another (cousin, friend, adoption, neice/nephew).
Prayer for you and your family as you face your surgery.

 

[quasar4legs]

I am sorry that you are faced with this surgery at such a young age. Big hugs to you.

We didn't plan on having an 'only' it just worked out that way (won't bore you with the long story). Anyway, we have one son now, 18 years of age and for the most part he is a happy, well adjusted young man.
There are advantages and disadvantages of everything so we just worked hard to make sure he had lots of company growing up and we have always had a house full of visiting kids.
We are blessed to have my sister, hubby and their 3 kids just a few minutes up the road and they have become his psuedo siblings. They have done eveything together from vacations, tennis and swimming lessons, theatre outings, constant sleep overs and so on. In fact the 'kids' (all in their late teens) still see each other several times a week.
My son does not feel like he has missed out on anything and although he knows no different says he says he has never wanted brothers and sisters.

From a purely financial advantage we have done a lot of travelling around the world that we may not have been able to afford if we had a large family. We were also able to make different educational decisions for our son simply because we only have one child.
It's not what I planned for my life but it has been wonderful.


Best wishes to you.

Trish

 

[SarahKate]

It's really ok, and DON'T let anyone make you feel like it's NOT ok. You're doing what is best for your health, and it's really no one's business whether you have one child or 10.

I am an only, DH is an only and DD 6 might be an only. We haven't totally ruled out the possibility of #2, but I am just not sure if I want to give up my time. One of my nuances of being an only is being selfish with my time. We'll see.

Growing up, I don't remember ever wishing for a sibling.

I think that parents of only's have the ability to make sure that their kids aren't stereotypical only's. Not spoiling them incessantly, and making sure that they have plenty of time with friends and extended family members.

This is something I struggle with.

Other than DD's grandfathers, we are not close w/ extended family. Both our moms died when DD was 1. It is sad to think that it's really just us, but that's the way it is. I'm trying to make a conscious effort to make sure she maintain relationships with those friends she's close to. We are such homebodies, and sometimes get ourselves into a pattern of it just being the 3 of us! But I'm working on making changes and recently left my day job so I now have more time to keep things moving in regards to her activities.

You guys will be fine. I feel like there are more and more families with only children, it is not a negative thing at all.

 

[CrAzY4DL]

I am an only and I LOOOOOVED it!! I am a very self person. Not meaning I think I am selfish (even tho I am a little bit when it comes to my family!) but I enjoy my company SOOO much!!! Growing up, I went to school in a different district than where I lived because it was closer to my mothers work so it kind of sucked not living near my school friends but I made great friends in the neighborhood. I love quiet time and being inside and reading and I am able to just "be" and not have to be entertained all the time. Also, growing up I was always very comfortable with ALL people-grownups and kids. The only thing I had a problem with was I thought I would never get to be an aunt. Well, I married DH and he has a brother and a sister (they aren't alike at all and fight somewhat) so it's nice I get to be an aunt to brother's kids. Love it!! My mom had to have a hysterectomy when I was 5 years old, she kept getting varicose veins on her uterus.
They had already decided they only wanted the one before that though.

So, you can always say what I say my parents thought after they had me:
We have this one perfect child, why would we have another and risk imperfection? HAHAHA They never said that, but I say it for them!!

And then I say for DH's parents:
We had first son (DH) and he was so good we wanted another.
We had second son and knew we could do better.
We had daughter and thought, we better stop while we are ahead!

HAHAHAHAHA

Hugs to you and enjoy being the mom of an only!! We are fun and interesting people!!

 

[*Toadstool*]

I'm looking at having to have a hysterectomy at the age of 24. I've had 3 other surgeries to fix problems with uterine prolapse and large cysts causing me to be in alot of pain. I only have one. I am happy with her, and at the time I don't want another. I had a difficult pregnancy, and am afraid I'd have complications with another pregnancy.
I know that I will more than likely be having to have a full hysterectomy in the near future so when people ask me if I am going to have another I say no. The look of disgust really is hurtful.
I just wanted to say I know how you feel. I don't want another right now, but I might have changed my mind later.
I have a sister that I barely know(not by choice). It seems all she has brought me at times is pain. This makes me think that maybe my DD would be better off just being an only.


I hope you can find peace with the whole situation.

 

[Aliceacc]

I'm so sorry to hear of all you're going through.

If you're really uncertain about your daughter not having a sibling, adoption is always an option.

Yesterday we celebrated my 10 year old's "Gotcha Day"-- the day he arrived from Korea and we became parents.

He was joined in short order by my 2 biological daughters. The only time adoption comes up is on Gotcha Day; every other day it's a non-issue.

Sorry, I know I'm off topic, but I did want to throw the idea out there.

Best wishes with your surgery!

 

[Tink-aholic]

As an adult, most days I WISH I had been an only...

 

[Cloud9]

My DD 6 is an only and not spoiled rotten. We work hard on that because is is very easily to spoil her, not only by us but everyone else in the family. She is very happy and easily going child.

Three months ago she had a sever broken arm that resulted in a 3 day hospital stay, surgery (pins), and nerve damage that impeeds her writing ability. Which now she has intense physical therphy.

While she was in the hospital a few of the nurse keep on asking me if she was an only - even the intake nurse. I finally had enough and ask exactly why there were asking me. I was told that she handled her pain extremely well, acted very mature for her age and that she talked to every adult as an equal.

I never wanted to just have one child, but that is how it worked out. I'm grateful that I have her and I feel blessed that I was able to have her.

 

[CrzyforPiglet]

My husband is an only and has not regrets about it at all. For him and his childhood he was better off being an only b/c his mom was a little unstable (still is in my opinion) and I don't think would have handled two kids all that well. He also had a lot of younger cousins that he spent holidays with so I think he got part of the experience of having siblings without having it every day.

For me I have two older sisters and what someone said before is right - just because you have a sibling doesn't mean you'll get along. My one sister and I are close but the other I barely speak to. I've caught her lying about family members and she is just so negative that there are days where I seriously feel I'd be okay if she never wanted to talk to me again - very sad but unfortunately true.

Your DD will be fine especially when her mommy is back to full health. Good luck with your surgery this summer!

 

[RMulieri]

I am the parent of an only( not by choice). While I occasionally get sad, most times having an only is awesome! We have a very close unique bond ,the 3 of us.Our family vacations are incredible and she is a very well rounded 5 yr old.Plus we get to spend quality time with just her .People will be mean and make stupid thoughtless comments to you about how selfish you are etc.( this without ever knowing you) It takes some time but eventually you come up with smart retorts and learn to ignore it.I had family members that would tell my DD that Mommmy and Daddy were mean for not giving you a brother or sister..We learned to stand our ground and let them know that that behavior was not going to be tolerated.Heck,Having siblings is no guarantee you will have a close tie with them either.I have 2 brothers.One I have not seen and barely spoken to in over 8 yrs now.The other I talk to , but he tends to disappear during family crisis(like when my Mom was in the hospital).My Dh has a brother who he sees once a year and never talks to either.Siblings do not equal happiness or success for a family.

 

[WantToGoNow]

I am an only and never really missed not having siblings. I did have a bunch of cousins to play with and lived in a neighborhood that had tons of kids.

My oldest dd grew up an only child. I had her at 18 and raised her alone until I met my dh when she was 13. We were married when she was 15 and my ds7 came along when she was 17 so she pretty much spent her entire life as an only.

Now my ds7 and dd5 fights like cats and dogs (of course my cats do the fighting, the dog gets along with both). I'm hoping that this is just a phase and that this is not what it's going to be like for the rest of their growing up years. My oldest asks me all the time "so why did you want more kids?" LOL

 

[jodifla]

I'm an only child, no regrets, and have an only child. I MIGHT have had another if he would have come along sooner, not when I was 40. But really I always pictured myself with one child.

There are lots of advantages to an only child....and there's no guarantee that even if you had other children, that they would be close.

I would encourage strong connections with other family members, as well as teaching your child about making great, long-lasting friendships. I count friends back to 5th grade that I'm in constant contact with.

 

[Keara'sMom]

All the best to you for a successful surgery and an easy recovery.

I have to chime in as a parent to an only. DD12 is a very outgoing, busy, extremely social, happy kid. She recognizes that she would not be able to do half of what she does (dance, theatre, music lessons, etc.) if she had a sibling, so she's happy with her "only" status. We've worked hard to make sure she thinks about others' feelings, and she's able to do that fairly well at this age. We've also been fortunate to have close friends who live next door, and my dd and their ds11 are great friends--actually, I think dd thinks of this boy as her brother/cousin, since they're so close.

It's very helpful to me and hopefully to you, OP, to hear from adult onlies. My hope for dd is that she continues to hold her friends and family close to her and that she finds a partner with whom to share her life so that she doesn't have to deal with aging parents by herself.