OT: Only Children - Need Input

[pooksma]

Another Only child Mom here. I've often asked myself if we made the right choice for us and keep coming back to the idea that yes, for us this was right.

We were married 6 years (together for 8) before DS and enjoyed our time together. He does occasionally ask about why we didn't have more children but never complains about it.

I heard all of the "well you can't have just one" and "that's not fair to your son" coments. Sometimes they bother me but I know that we are raising a good person and that is what's most important IMHO.

 

[laughinplace199]

First of all OP, I just want to say how sorry I am for your losses. I've been down that road a number of times myself and it is so sad, frustrating, and scary. Hopefully you can relax on your trip (although WDW is never actually relaxing ) and then you and your DH can decide what's right for the future. If you feel your family is complete, great. If you feel it's not, then you can talk about how you want to proceed, whether it's adoption or trying to conceive again.

I'm an only and I have to admit that I didn't like it. Although it did have it's upsides - getting all my parents attention, going on really cool vacations, etc, I really wished I had a sibling to share those things with. However, I grew up very close to two of my cousins, and we're still very close today. Now our kids play together.

Like many posters have said, having more than one child doesn't guarantee that they will be close. It's just the luck of the draw, I think. I am very fortunate that my two oldest (DD9 & DS7) are extremely close. My third is only 1, so it's too soon to see how he'll relate to his siblings, but the older two just love him and love to help take care of him.

I know there are so many things to consider and I hope that you find the answers you need. It sounds like you have a beautiful family, whether it stays a family of 3 or becomes a larger family. Good luck with everything!

 

[RMulieri]

I am going to echo other posters.I have 2 brothers and hardly talk to either, and have not seen one of them in 8 yrs.My Dh also has a brother he never ,ever talks to.Just because you are related doesn't guarantee anything.My mom also has 2 sibs and the only time they talk is when a family member passes on...then they quibble about who gets what and who was the favorite.My MIL has 8 sibs and is very close to 2 of them and doesn't talk to the others....get the point? .My dd is an only , and will probably stay that way( not by choice either).I try not to feel to awful about it, but I do sometimes.I think it is natural to feel the way you do.

 

[Rylee]

I'm hoping I can get some honest insights from people who are only children or who are parents of an only child.

To try and make it brief, DH and I got married at an older age (40 - 1st marriage for both). We wanted to start a family immediately. I lost my first 3 pregnancies (2 were ectopic, the other I lost the baby at 12 weeks). My fourth pregnancy resulted in my beautiful son who is now 21 months.
I was pregnant 4 times within 1 1/2 yrs. It took a big toll on my body and emotions.

I always wanted at least 2 children. I have a sister and we are very close - she is my best friend. It was wonderful growing up with a sibling and I want the same for my son. I lost my 4th pregnancyd about a month and a half before my son's first birthday. After that loss I needed to take time off from trying to have a child. I wanted to enjoy time with my son and not have to go through the possibilities of another loss. Then we booked our trip to Disney for this Sept. and we are looking so forward to it. I am afraid to try again before the trip because I don't want anything to ruin my son's first trip to Disney.

So here I am getting older and enjoying myself with my son and husband. But there is always this nagging feeling I have that I want to give my son a sibling. I just think that as he grows older he will have a playmate and hopefully best friend for life. But DH is concerend about trying for another afraid of what another loss will do to me - he was the one in the waiting room while I was having the surgeries and D&C's and such from my previous losses.

Part of me agrees with him and I know as I am older the chances of birth defects is greater and I can never terminate a pregnancy so I won't have an amnio.

Adoption is definately an option for us as we looked into it after our 2nd loss, plus I would probably want to adopt an older child between 2-5 yrs. But adoption is very expensive - $30,000-$40,000 so we really need to look into it further.

So right now I'm trying to come to grip with the possibility of my son being an only child. He has 2 cousins, but still being an older parent I worry about him being alone.
I would love to hear from people who are only children or who are parents of only children - I know only children can have very happy and wonderful lives - a dear friend of mine is an only child and had a wonderful childhood.
I guess right now I can only see it from the perspective of someone with a sibling and I know there is another side to the coin with many wonderful things I haven't thought of or can't see right now.

Thanks so much for your help/

Hi, I'm very sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage and it was difficult to accept... very emotional.

I hope you don't mind me posting, as I am, neither, an only child or the mother of an only child...

I am adopted, so I hope you will look into this more and consider adopting. I am very close to my parents, a closness that didn't come from giving me life, but by sharing my life. I have had the opportunity to meet both bio parents and I can tell you... my adpotive parents, are my REAL parents. I also have a brother, also adopted, and although we aren't overly close (he doesn't live nearby) it is nice to have someone who shares your history.

I have one other comment - you said...

"Part of me agrees with him and I know as I am older the chances of birth defects is greater and I can never terminate a pregnancy so I won't have an amnio."

... I have 5 children, 20 years apart. I had my first when I was 21 and my last when I was 41. I would never terminate a pregnancy, either, at least... I don't think I would. However, I did have an amnio. Some people feel, if you wouldn't terminate, there's no point in having an amnio, but in our case, it helped us prepare for our youngest child.

I wanted to have the amnio, mostly for peace of mind, so I could relax and enjoy my pregnancy, but also, due to our ages, we wanted to give careful consideration to what would become of our youngest child, any of our children, should we not live to see him into adulthood. If this child should be born with significant problems, what would become of him... who would be responsible for him... is it fair to this child... fair to his siblings... would he become a burden on them? So many questions... no "right" answers, but still it had to be considered.

We were happy to learn our baby would be "normal" in mind, but during my second ultrasound, performed with this amnio, we did learn our child would be born with a very rare birth defect, (not related to my age.)

My OB doctors kept telling us... "There's still time to abort."

But... because I had the amnio and second sono, we were able to research his condition, find and interview the best doctors and choose to deliver him near those doctors, (350 miles from home) so he could receive the best care. He had a 9 hour surgery the day after he was born, and remained hospitalized for almost 5 weeks. He has since had 4 more surgeries, with more planned in his future.

He is now 7... gorgeous, smart, funny and loving. I am so glad I agree to the testing, it would have been disastrous to deliver him in our hometown, where most had only heard of his condition in med school. We don't know what his future will be, neither do his doctors, but we do know we were able to give him the best start in life.


Good luck and take care.

 

[LovinPooh]

I am an only child. I didnt mind it when I was a kid. I didnt know any differenty, and I was spoiled rotten... still am . My husband is also and only child. He didnt care when he was a kid either. He still doesnt care. Now in my life I wish that I had a brother or sister. I see friends with siblings and think, wow, having a bond with someone like that would be amazing. Right now my mom is going through some stuff, and I have that on my shoulders. And a selfish side of me thinks that if I had a sibling I would have some help. Oh well, as far as that goes, whatever, she is my mom and I will always be there. We have an incredible bond being only child and mother.
I grew up to be very independent. I also need alone time. I tend to be a private person as well.
I had 2 kids. 2 years apart. Although they fight now. they are extremely close, and it makes me happy to know that they have each others back.
I however, didnt have fertility issuees. Just the opposite, husband would look at me, and i would be pregnant . So, looking at it through your point of view with fertility issues, I wouldnt want to spend my life with heartache and disappointment. Probably be thankful for what I had I guess. But, they say that when you 'stop trying' is when it happens lol. I know so many women with fertility issues, and as soon as they gave up.... 9 months later they were changing diapers.

That is just one point of view from an only child. Good luck with everything, and have a great trip

 

[mom2aredhead]

IThe only guaranteed "bond" that brothers and sisters have is that they are biologically related. Anything beyond that depends on the individuals. The only thing that the 3 of us have in common is that we were brought up in the same house. Our interests, families, priorities and goals could not be more different. We would most likely not be friends if we were strangers meeting under different circumastances.

My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer about 15 months ago. For the most part, I was alone with my parents for these events, or had only my husband by my side. I used to think that I would not want my son to be alone to deal with us as ill or aging parents (I was 35 when I had him, so no spring chicken ) but I have now come to realize that even in circumstances like that, there are no guarantees that the people that SHOULD be there will actually be there.

I can tell you that me and my sister were never close (not due to the age gap, but because of our personalities). We are both adults now and we have gone our separate ways. We speak and meet up out of sheer familial obligation and nothing more. She would not be my friend under any other circumstance and I'm sure she'd say the same in reverse.

My sister is convinced that following me through school caused all of her life problems and my baby brother could not (and still can't) do anything wrong. There's a reason I live 3,000 miles from my family. I tell people that my close friends are the family I chose, because I'm honestly closer with my best friend than I could ever be with my sister. We don't like each other, and if we weren't related, most likely wouldn't have anything to do with each other, ever.

I am going to echo other posters.I have 2 brothers and hardly talk to either, and have not seen one of them in 8 yrs.My Dh also has a brother he never ,ever talks to.Just because you are related doesn't guarantee anything.My mom also has 2 sibs and the only time they talk is when a family member passes on...then they quibble about who gets what and who was the favorite.My MIL has 8 sibs and is very close to 2 of them and doesn't talk to the others....get the point? .

I'm an only and I have to admit that I didn't like it. Although it did have it's upsides - getting all my parents attention, going on really cool vacations, etc, I really wished I had a sibling to share those things with. However, I grew up very close to two of my cousins, and we're still very close today. Now our kids play together.

I am an only child. I didnt mind it when I was a kid. I didnt know any differenty, and I was spoiled rotten... still am . My husband is also and only child. He didnt care when he was a kid either. He still doesnt care. Now in my life I wish that I had a brother or sister. I see friends with siblings and think, wow, having a bond with someone like that would be amazing. Right now my mom is going through some stuff, and I have that on my shoulders. And a selfish side of me thinks that if I had a sibling I would have some help.

It's funny. I guess there's something to be said for the saying "the grass is always greener on the other side". People that did not have siblings growing up wish they had them, and many of us with siblings no longer have them in our lives. Interesting. Why is it we always want what we don't (or can't) have??

 

[jodifla]

I'm an only child with an only child. My DS wasn't born until I was 40 and I'd been married 13 years. If I'd been younger, we would have likely tried for a second....

As with anything, there are positives and negatives. But I will say I grew up pretty happy to be an only child. I liked it being just the three of us in my family. There's a certain dynamic that builds when it's just the 3 of you.


And I agree with all the previous things mom2aredhead said. When my dad was going through cancer treatments, and I was there with him, people said how sorry they were I was going through this alone.

I had two thoughts:

1) I wasn't alone. I had my family (husband!) and my friends.

2) Even if I had siblings, I'd likely be the one handling everything anyway! I'm closer to some of my friends then they are to their own siblings.


OP, if your child does end up being an only, there are things you can do in to help ease any drawbacks:

Encourage strong relationships with his cousins! Time with my cousins are some of my fondest memories.

Encourage strong relationships with friends growing up! I'm still in contact with kids from grade school, and that helps a great deal with having a shared history.

Also, should you decide to adopt to expand your family: I'm adopted, and a huge proponent of building families this way.

Good luck to you in whatever you decide!!!

 

[Pixie Dust for Me!]

Hi, Mom of an "only" who is now 10. Like you, I had a number of miscarriages. I had 7 before DS was born and then 1 after. In our case, our DS got pretty sick when he was about 4 and it took all my energy just to keep working and keep up with his needs. Do I regret that he is an "only." No, not one bit! In fact, I feel very blessed to have him.

As an "only" I've been able to have a lot of fun with him as he has with me. About 6 months ago he asked if we had "planned" for him to be an only and I told him honestly about the miscarriages I had. He said he was glad to be an only because it's given him greater opportunities than his cousins have had to travel and do things (which is very true, but I didn't know he knew that!).

I do have a brother -- he's nearly 6 years older than I am and we have NOTHING in common. I'm close with his children...but I probably talk with him 1 to 2 times per year. When my dad had a health crisis a year ago, DB went on a fishing trip with the guys and left me to handle everything. Do I resent that...no, not really. It's just part of who he is and, over the years, I've learned to accept that I play the caretaker role in the family and he's the oblivious (and a bit self-centered) one.

On the other hand, I have a few very dear friends who were at the hospital with me, ran errands for my mom and I and helped us get the house ready for dad's discharge. I'm a firm believer in the saying "friends are our chosen family."

Whether your child remains an only or not, I think the big thing is that YOU are OK with it. I'm OK with my DS being an only...it's just how things worked out...and, more importantly, so is he. He feels loved, is secure and is a kind and compassionate soul.

Good luck with whatever you decide (or how things work out).

 

[Wendybird55]

This thread is sure growing and I appreciate everyone's input.

Like many of you have said, I know having a sibling doesn't necessarily mean they will be close or make eachother's lives better. I know of many siblings who have "tenious" relationships.

But then as some of you have mentioned, it's nice to know there's someone else to lean on when you need help. 3-4 months before I got married both my parents went thru major surgeries and it was a blessing to have my sister and fiancee (now DH) to help me thru it. During any difficult time my sister and I were always there for eachother.

I always wanted 2 children - it's not only for my son. I grew up in a family fo 4 and loved it and I guess I want the same. As KEARA'S MOM said. with each milestone my son passes I think this the first and may be the last time I experience this. It does sadden me a bit.

Both DH and I work and that is a consideration as I feel guilty now not speding as much time as I want with DS. And with another child it will be harder. Plus I am VERY lucky the my parents take care of my son - they love him to pieces and are wonderful with him and enjoy every moment. But they are older and he does tire them out.

Thank you RYLEE and JODIFLA for your insight on adoption. I would love to adopt and seriously looked into it after my 2nd ectopic. I love in NY and went to some meetings and they make it hard to adotp from the state. They want you to be a foster parent first with the #1 goal of reuiniting the child with biological parents. The more research I did, the more I realized foreign adoption would probably be best, but the cost of $30,000-$40,000 is alot and we have to figure out how we would do it (of course no amount is too much for a child).

In many ways I think adoption would be great - in that I can adopt an older child - since we are older parents I think it would be better in that we won't be ancient when the child gets older. Both DH and I agree a child is a child to love and care for and enjoy no matter what. We don't need the biological attachment to have the emotional love and attachment. It's just we want to make sure we can handle the finances for adoption and then another child at the same time.

RYLEE - Thanks for the input about the amnio. After all my losses I could never voluntarily terminate a pergnancy. I didn't have an amnio with DS - I took every blood screening test, but not the amnio - the main reason, even though it was a very slight chance, the fact the an amnio could cause a miscarriage was enough for me not to have one. When I was pregnant after I had my son, I was leaning towards having the amnio simply to be prepared because it would not only affect me and DH it would also affect DS if there was a defect. I am happy you had the amnio and was able to prepare for and take care of your son when he was born.

Unfortunately with my history of ectopics and how they happened I can't just leave cautiiont o the wind and see what happens. I have to monitor my cycle and keep track of trying. With both EPs I have what seemed like a period and if I wasn't trying and so aware of my body and cycle at the time I might have ignored things and figured I wasn't pregnant and not found out about the EP until it was too late and my tube burst. So I need to be careful in trying.

I'm writing a novel here - I better take a break. I was pregnant with my son my last time at disney and part of me thinks maybe Disney is good luck and we should try around the time we leave. I don't know...I still have all the info I collected when I was looking into adoption, maybe I'll make some more calls.

I am very happy with my family and whether he's an only child or we're blessed with another, DH and I will do everything we can to give our son a happy life filled with family and friends.

The one thing that keeps nagging at me is we have a neighbor and she has an only son (he is adopted and about16 yrs old now). One day we were talking and she told me a sttry of how her son when he was about 6 years old was outside on their front lawn begging his mother to "please do anything" to get him someone to play with. It's a hard thing to forget and it haunts me at times.

Once again, thanks to everyone for your input and help.

 

[Gillian]

Hugs for all you've been through! It must be very difficult to think of trying to have another child.

I'm an only. I always wanted a sibling, but I think I had it pretty good anyway. I didn't have any cousins my own age nearby. I hate sharing and need my personal space. One full bath in our house for 4 people drives me crazy, because I always had my own growing up.

The only children we know are happy. They get a lot of attention from their parents, who often spend extra time/effort to make sure their children get together with friends. I think that's important (as someone else said). It also gives you more options for schools, vacations, and anything involving money.

That said, we planned for 2-3 kids and after having a boy & a girl we stopped. They are 5 & 7 and are just starting to play together as equals. They fight a lot but I think they could be close as adults, even though they are very different. We did discussing adoption early on, but were lucky enough to be able to have our own. I didn't realize how much it costs!

Best of luck in whatever you decide. Know that whatever happens, you are a family and that's all you need.

 

[a1tinkfans]

I'm hoping I can get some honest insights from people who are only children or who are parents of an only child.

To try and make it brief, DH and I got married at an older age (40 - 1st marriage for both). We wanted to start a family immediately. I lost my first 3 pregnancies (2 were ectopic, the other I lost the baby at 12 weeks). My fourth pregnancy resulted in my beautiful son who is now 21 months.
I was pregnant 4 times within 1 1/2 yrs. It took a big toll on my body and emotions.

I always wanted at least 2 children. I have a sister and we are very close - she is my best friend. It was wonderful growing up with a sibling and I want the same for my son. I lost my 4th pregnancyd about a month and a half before my son's first birthday. After that loss I needed to take time off from trying to have a child. I wanted to enjoy time with my son and not have to go through the possibilities of another loss. Then we booked our trip to Disney for this Sept. and we are looking so forward to it. I am afraid to try again before the trip because I don't want anything to ruin my son's first trip to Disney.

So here I am getting older and enjoying myself with my son and husband. But there is always this nagging feeling I have that I want to give my son a sibling. I just think that as he grows older he will have a playmate and hopefully best friend for life. But DH is concerend about trying for another afraid of what another loss will do to me - he was the one in the waiting room while I was having the surgeries and D&C's and such from my previous losses.

Part of me agrees with him and I know as I am older the chances of birth defects is greater and I can never terminate a pregnancy so I won't have an amnio.

Adoption is definately an option for us as we looked into it after our 2nd loss, plus I would probably want to adopt an older child between 2-5 yrs. But adoption is very expensive - $30,000-$40,000 so we really need to look into it further.

So right now I'm trying to come to grip with the possibility of my son being an only child. He has 2 cousins, but still being an older parent I worry about him being alone.
I would love to hear from people who are only children or who are parents of only children - I know only children can have very happy and wonderful lives - a dear friend of mine is an only child and had a wonderful childhood.
I guess right now I can only see it from the perspective of someone with a sibling and I know there is another side to the coin with many wonderful things I haven't thought of or can't see right now.

Thanks so much for your help/

First, I want send a for your losses. It can be devastating and I can unfortunately say that personally.
I have an only child, getting personal here, but it took 9 tries thru artificial means over several years with several surgeries and testing procedures etc. It was a very trying time and ultimately I was blessed with a beautiful baby boy.
We lost our little girl early on in my pregnancy, after several years worth of re-trying for another. I have never forgotten and never will.
My son has one cousin his age, the others are significantly older and many are significantly younger. We have never actually sat and talked about what it would be like to have siblings and yet my gut tells me that he is content and happy. He and my DH and I are very close (actually the dh and I got together at 15 and we're celebrating our 23th wedding anniversary in several months, but have been together over 32 years!)
Life can throw those unexpected curves, I had breast cancer and am a SURVIVOR but I recall worrying at the time, my son has no sibling and he will be all alone when we're Both gone??? That has always stayed with me but I try to make sure that he is both emotionally and physically healthy and will be able to handle what life throws him!
Being an only child is not something that I related too since I am one of 5 but it has been a really wonderful time of bonding for us, and we share lots of special time for the simple fact that he gets the attention that we don't give to siblings. Funny enough, I can see his age progression thru pictures of him with Mickey, since I have ALWAYS been Disney addicted, LOL!
I thank my lucky stars every single day and if you decide to go ahead and have/adopt another child I wish you the very best of health and happiness.
Your precious only child will be FINE if he is the only one, enjoy every moment and God Bless!!

 

[Gillian]

The one thing that keeps nagging at me is we have a neighbor and she has an only son (he is adopted and about16 yrs old now). One day we were talking and she told me a sttry of how her son when he was about 6 years old was outside on their front lawn begging his mother to "please do anything" to get him someone to play with. It's a hard thing to forget and it haunts me at times.

Once again, thanks to everyone for your input and help.

Please don't let this haunt you! My DD 5 begs for playdates often, even at bedtime. She is just a very social child who needs stimulation. She has an older brother to play with, but she wants her friends. This weekend we spent the whole day out as a family and had (I thought) a great time. Still, after dinner she was asking to do something fun like she'd been stuck inside all day.

Two of my sisters in law had amnios/other tests and it was helpful in both cases, for different reasons.

 

[zachsmomie]

I really thought reading this thread was interesting and insightful. I am the oldest of 3 and the only girl. We are 5 years apart. Growing up, I don't rmember "playing" with them so much because a) I was 5 (and 10) years older respectively and b) I was a girl and they were boys. We are close but not super close. As we get older, we get closer but when push comes to shove and parents/grandparents are ill, I am handling it all on my own much like an only child. I daresay my friends know more about me than my siblings. We celebrate holidays together and I babysit my nieces and nephews but we aren't hanging out evey week or even chatting on the phone weekly. Growing up money was very tight with only my dad working and mom staying home. We didn't have big vacations or eat out or get allowances because the money wasn't there. We had lots of love...but not many experiences. College was a shock for me and I had none of the experiences that other kids had (I got a scholarship to private college). I felt very out of place.

I always thought I would have a "bunch of kids". I got married young and had my son at 24. Things were not good in the marriage and I thought another baby might help. I thank God all the time that I didn't follow through with that. His father is not even in the picture now.

I remarried when DS was 5 and DH and I tried to conceive. No luck. In Vitro..no luck. It took a while to wrap my head around the fact that I was only going to have one child. It hurt and I was sad. I used to feel like my arms ached from wanting a child so badly. But I loved my husband more than I wanted a child. Adoption, because of the cost, was not an option. It was painful to see friends having babies and siblings having babies and babies everywhere it seemed.

When people ask if we are having any more children I say "God gave us this one and that is more of a blessing than I every thought I deserved." I believe that now. The more I said it, the more true it became for me. We have been able to do so much more with him than we would have been able to do with multiple children. He knows there is a great big world out there that he can conquer. We have been able to travel with him, take Disney cruises, eat nice places and cultivate experiences we couldn't with multiple children. We've taken his friends with us to restaurants and on an occassional trip. They come and spend the night at our house. We fetch and carry because there aren't many boys his age in our area but the extra 10 mins. is worth the drive for him to cultivate friendships. He has a wonderful relationship with his grandparents (one other parents envy) and we've vacationed with them and live very close to them.

I still worry that when he grows up, he will have no one to share these memories with when my husband and I die. But I pray he will have his own family and their memories (hopefully with their favorite grandparentts DH and I )

 

[RMulieri]

I really thought reading this thread was interesting and insightful. I am the oldest of 3 and the only girl. We are 5 years apart. Growing up, I don't rmember "playing" with them so much because a) I was 5 (and 10) years older respectively and b) I was a girl and they were boys. We are close but not super close. As we get older, we get closer but when push comes to shove and parents/grandparents are ill, I am handling it all on my own much like an only child. I daresay my friends know more about me than my siblings. We celebrate holidays together and I babysit my nieces and nephews but we aren't hanging out evey week or even chatting on the phone weekly. Growing up money was very tight with only my dad working and mom staying home. We didn't have big vacations or eat out or get allowances because the money wasn't there. We had lots of love...but not many experiences. College was a shock for me and I had none of the experiences that other kids had (I got a scholarship to private college). I felt very out of place.

I always thought I would have a "bunch of kids". I got married young and had my son at 24. Things were not good in the marriage and I thought another baby might help. I thank God all the time that I didn't follow through with that. His father is not even in the picture now.

I remarried when DS was 5 and DH and I tried to conceive. No luck. In Vitro..no luck. It took a while to wrap my head around the fact that I was only going to have one child. It hurt and I was sad. I used to feel like my arms ached from wanting a child so badly. But I loved my husband more than I wanted a child. Adoption, because of the cost, was not an option. It was painful to see friends having babies and siblings having babies and babies everywhere it seemed.

When people ask if we are having any more children I say "God gave us this one and that is more of a blessing than I every thought I deserved." I believe that now. The more I said it, the more true it became for me. We have been able to do so much more with him than we would have been able to do with multiple children. He knows there is a great big world out there that he can conquer. We have been able to travel with him, take Disney cruises, eat nice places and cultivate experiences we couldn't with multiple children. We've taken his friends with us to restaurants and on an occassional trip. They come and spend the night at our house. We fetch and carry because there aren't many boys his age in our area but the extra 10 mins. is worth the drive for him to cultivate friendships. He has a wonderful relationship with his grandparents (one other parents envy) and we've vacationed with them and live very close to them.

I still worry that when he grows up, he will have no one to share these memories with when my husband and I die. But I pray he will have his own family and their memories (hopefully with their favorite grandparentts DH and I )

Well said.I feel the same way.Always thought I would have a bunch of kids....well fast forward a few decades and it is just my 4 y/o.She is a blessing, but I too, feel hurt when everyone around me has 2,3,4 kids and I had a hard time getting one.I guess everything happens for a reason

 

[mikymouse]

I have three children and they are all wonderful I do think that growing up with siblings will help shape their personalities. I can see them learning to be a great leaders, care givers, kind friends... all because of the siblings. They are all learning about negotiating and sharing and that the world does not revolve around them and that resources are limited but they are more than willing to give up some things to make their siblings happy. The biggest difference I notice is my children are very independant in comparision to their friends with no siblings. I am very jealous of my friends with only one child, as they have so much one-on-one time. My children get limited one-on-one time at the sacrifice of my own personal pursuits. The family dynamic will stay with them regardless of who they become in their adult lives or if they are close to each other. I just hope that they marry into a similar family situation so that their expectations are similar when raising their families. I have one brother and my DH has five brothers/sisters and we have different expectations of what a parent's role should be on various issues ( we always work through them to get on the same page - DH tends to be more off-hand and I tend to want to be more involved). Our relationship with our siblings ebbs and flow over the years but they are always involved in our lives even if they live far away. Enjoy your trip and know that it will work out the way it is intended.

 

[Nina1]

I am an only child. I didnt mind it when I was a kid. I didnt know any differenty, and I was spoiled rotten... still am . My husband is also and only child. He didnt care when he was a kid either. He still doesnt care. Now in my life I wish that I had a brother or sister. I see friends with siblings and think, wow, having a bond with someone like that would be amazing. Right now my mom is going through some stuff, and I have that on my shoulders. And a selfish side of me thinks that if I had a sibling I would have some help. Oh well, as far as that goes, whatever, she is my mom and I will always be there. We have an incredible bond being only child and mother.
I grew up to be very independent. I also need alone time. I tend to be a private person as well.
I had 2 kids. 2 years apart. Although they fight now. they are extremely close, and it makes me happy to know that they have each others back.
I however, didnt have fertility issuees. Just the opposite, husband would look at me, and i would be pregnant . So, looking at it through your point of view with fertility issues, I wouldnt want to spend my life with heartache and disappointment. Probably be thankful for what I had I guess. But, they say that when you 'stop trying' is when it happens lol. I know so many women with fertility issues, and as soon as they gave up.... 9 months later they were changing diapers.

That is just one point of view from an only child. Good luck with everything, and have a great trip

No offense, but as someone who has had fertility issues, I resent your statement that when you "stop trying" it happens. Not even close to being true. If you know people to whom this happened, it was either a fluke or they didn't have real fertility issues. Infertility is a disease that requires expensive medical treatment. Even then, a child is far from guaranteed outcome. Unfortunately, Hollywood (Sex and the City movie) and the media promote the myth of if you stop trying it'll happen, or adopt and it'll happen etc. Not true, and hurtful. I have one son who was conceived after fertility treatments. After suffering two miscarriages after having him (both were conceived through IVF) we decided to "stop trying." This was two years ago. No more babies, yet. Although, if I am to believe you, it should happen any day now, right? In the future, you may want to refrain from such ridiculous statements, especially since you have no valid medical research to back them up. These kind of statements are hurtful and offensive to someone who has been through it and knows otherwise.

 

[Nina1]

Wendybird...I am going through a similar situation right now and while I don't really have any advice, I just wanted to wish you peace and an ending that will make you happy.

 

[Nina1]

My husband is an only child and he is wonderful. Strong, loving, a great leader and provider and an all around good man. Your son does not need a sibling to turn out this way. My husband sure didn't.

 

[Wendybird55]

Nina1 - I totally understand and empathize with your feelings and situation. As girls / women we spend most of our life being "afraid" of getting pregnant at the wrong time. I remember all those after school specials about teenage pregnancy. We try to be careful and take every precaution not to become pregnant at the wrong time. THEN when we're ready to start our family - we think (hope) we'll get pregnant fast and everything will go well - and when that isn't the case it's so disappointing and heartbreaking.

I was over 40 when I tried to get pregnant the first time. Fertillity wasn't my issue as much as keeping the pregnancy. My first three pregnancies happened within less than 2 years and each one ended badly. One of them was IVF to avoid my tubes and another ectopic. And having gone thru IVF I know the stress, pressure, heartaches and expense of fertility treatments. I truly respect couples who endure multiple fertility treatments.

About 2 weeks after I lost my 2nd pregnancy I found out my SIL was pregnant - ouch! And then 5 days after I lost my 3rd baby at 12 weeks (conceived thru IVF) I had to go to the hospital to see my SIL and her new baby - I don't know how I got thru it. And I found that when people - friends, family found out about my losses they didn't know quite what to say - or they tried to say something that they thought would comfort me.

I was told - it's for the best - it's God's will - maybe something was wrong with this baby and it's a blessing. Trust me - this didn't comfort me - how can it be a blessing to lose a pregnancy?!?! And I have faith, but how can it be God's will for me to conceive an unhealthy baby. I also had people tell me - don't think about it - it will happen - and the stories of how they thought they wold never have a baby and then "Bam" they were pregnant. It didn't help, but I knew they were tyring their best to comfort me and they meant well - it's just that if you haven't experienced the loss or frustration of fertility, it's hard to understand.

I found my greatest comfort with women who were going thru or went thru the same thing as I did. I found this forum that was very helpful as we all knew exactly how the other felt and were able to truly express our feelings.

I always felt with family and friends I had to "be strong" and put on a good front that I was OK and accept their sympathy and then a week later they would forget about it while my heart was still breaking. Losing a pregnancy stays with your forever and there will always a piece of my heart that aches for my 4 babies.

I don't think LOVIN'POOH was being flippant or uncaring when she made her comment about it will happen when you least expect it. Many people think that and there have been times when it happened for others. I'm sure there were times when in trying to be sympathetic to someone's problems (that I have never experienced) that I said something that seemed thoughtless or clueless.

Thank you for your thoughts and understanding. We are both fortunate to have our sons, but that doesn't mean we can't want more or what many easily have. Right now I am loving and enjoying my son. As far as a sibling - I'm willing to try again, but am afraid of another loss..and if I had the money I would adopt in a heartbeat. So I guess I just have to see where life takes me...right now I have 8 weeks before I leave for Disney and am looking forward to going for the first time with my son.

All my best to you and your family.

 

[KristinU]

First - sending you HUGS!

Second, I'm an only, mom of an only, and we're an adoptive family.

I pretty much love being an only, and really the first time I started wishing I had siblings was when my DS came into the picture. Honestly, I really do sometimes wish that my mom had other grandchildren to obsess over. She has kind of throttled back over time, but for a while it was pretty intense...then again, they raised me to be pretty independent so part of my irritation and frustration over her desire to be involved is probably just my nature.

My DH has 3 siblings and I feel like some of the things we've been through with his parents, including money issues and the death of his dad, would have been easier to manage had there not been other siblings involved...so I'm not convinced that it is such a burden to only children in the parents' older years. And like a PP mentioned, I'm blessed with a wonderful DH - so I'm not "alone" in anything anyway.

With our own DS, it just feels right - 3 is the magic number for us. We really enjoy the time we get to spend together and the opportunities we have as a family. Honestly, I don't think I'd have the energy to leave the house with more than one of my DS! (I give a lot of credit to families with more than one)

I also think that our faith has a lot to do with "singleness" and "aloneness". Having a strong faith and feeling a part of a bigger family makes me really not feel like I'm a single being, nor is DS. I guess I'm having a hard time putting this into words, but hopefully that makes sense.

Also, I can say whole-heartedly that adoption is a wonderful blessing and a beautiful way to build a family. If you choose to grow your family rather than stick with one, adoption is just a great option.