OT: Only Children - Need Input

[Wendybird55]

I'm hoping I can get some honest insights from people who are only children or who are parents of an only child.

To try and make it brief, DH and I got married at an older age (40 - 1st marriage for both). We wanted to start a family immediately. I lost my first 3 pregnancies (2 were ectopic, the other I lost the baby at 12 weeks). My fourth pregnancy resulted in my beautiful son who is now 21 months.
I was pregnant 4 times within 1 1/2 yrs. It took a big toll on my body and emotions.

I always wanted at least 2 children. I have a sister and we are very close - she is my best friend. It was wonderful growing up with a sibling and I want the same for my son. I lost my 4th pregnancyd about a month and a half before my son's first birthday. After that loss I needed to take time off from trying to have a child. I wanted to enjoy time with my son and not have to go through the possibilities of another loss. Then we booked our trip to Disney for this Sept. and we are looking so forward to it. I am afraid to try again before the trip because I don't want anything to ruin my son's first trip to Disney.

So here I am getting older and enjoying myself with my son and husband. But there is always this nagging feeling I have that I want to give my son a sibling. I just think that as he grows older he will have a playmate and hopefully best friend for life. But DH is concerend about trying for another afraid of what another loss will do to me - he was the one in the waiting room while I was having the surgeries and D&C's and such from my previous losses.

Part of me agrees with him and I know as I am older the chances of birth defects is greater and I can never terminate a pregnancy so I won't have an amnio.

Adoption is definately an option for us as we looked into it after our 2nd loss, plus I would probably want to adopt an older child between 2-5 yrs. But adoption is very expensive - $30,000-$40,000 so we really need to look into it further.

So right now I'm trying to come to grip with the possibility of my son being an only child. He has 2 cousins, but still being an older parent I worry about him being alone.
I would love to hear from people who are only children or who are parents of only children - I know only children can have very happy and wonderful lives - a dear friend of mine is an only child and had a wonderful childhood.
I guess right now I can only see it from the perspective of someone with a sibling and I know there is another side to the coin with many wonderful things I haven't thought of or can't see right now.

Thanks so much for your help/

 

[Erin13178]

I'm an only child and honestly I will give you both sides.

As an only child my parents could totally afford to do fun things with me. We took many family vacations and I never wanted for anything. I wasn't totally spoiled, I had manners, and my parents got tons of one on one time with me cause I was the only one. They could just give me a lot more and had they had another child it would've been tight and I know I wouldn't have gotten a used mustang convertible at age 15. I remember going to WDW tons of times when I was younger, we also went on many other family vacations. It was fun, and all my friends who had siblings were always jealous.

Now if I had my choice, I would've had a sibling. I see the bond that sisters and brothers have and I'm envious. I always wanted someone to play with and someone to have around. Yes I always had tons of friends around, and friends got to go on vacations with us etc, but it's not the same. Plus my parent's didn't have the best relationship. They would split up, get back together, split up, etc over and over. Finally when I was 18 they divorced. I think it would've been easier on me to have someone who knew how I was feeling during the ups and downs. Being an only child wasn't horrible by any means, and it definitely had it's perks, but at the same time it had a downside for me too.

But all that being said, my little girl who is 4, will probably be an only child. Or at least right now that is the way it's looking. I'm 30, single (I divorced her idiot father who now is totally not anywhere in the picture in her life), I'm seeing a guy who does want his own children, but really I just have a feeling that my dd will be an only. I don't know why I feel this way, but I just think it will happen. I really do wish I could give her a sibling, but I refuse to do it by myself again and it would not be smart.

As for your situation, IMO if you and your dh are very happy, stable, and can financially swing it, I would adopt. But again that's just my opinion.

 

[dreamin_disney]

Hi. I'm sorry for you past losses. I come from a family of 5. I am 36 and only have one child. I miscarried a few years ago. I dont have period so i cant get prego. I go back and forth on this to. I see dd and i want her to have a sibling. She is now 9 and sometimes i feel so bad but i'm grateful I was blessed to have her. A few months before dd was born my mom was diganose with cancer and i was lost. I prayed to God and left my life in his hands. Well I was blessed with DD. I'll be 36 this month and i have highblood pressure and pcos(cause fertily problems) and i'm worried if my body will be able to handle it. I just got onthe pill to see if it helps with my period(it did) and hope to try and concieve in Nov at wdw. I just pray about it and If its meant to be then it will happen, if not I have dd.

dd was ok with being an only child but since 8 she's been wanting a baby sis/bro so bad. We go to parties and she goes striaght to the babies. 4th of July she wanted to be in the house with the baby cousins than watching the fireworks.

on the other hand my 26 year old niece was an only child and she loved it. She said she was ok being an only kid. She doesnt have any kids yet either she is just enjoying life.

 

[mom2aredhead]

I was the oldest of three children, and I have an only child by choice. I'll offer you MY opinion, which is based on MY childhood and MY family. Obviously other people will have differing opinions and experiences. None of them are right or wrong - consider them all as food for thought.

As 1 of 3 kids, each about 2 years apart, we were always "the kids". I always felt like I was part of a group and very rarely an individual in my own right. My parents treated us like an "all or none" pack - if we weren't all invited to something (like a birthday party or some kind of special outing with grandparents) none of us could go. I think part of it may have just been the logistics - my dad worked a lot of strange hours and my mom was often on her own to deal with us and our extended family lived about 30-40 minutes away, so to have them run over to watch the baby (my brother) so me or my sis could do something would have been hard. We fought a lot, and because we were 3, there was always a 2 against 1 thing going on, though the players shifted often.

The only guaranteed "bond" that brothers and sisters have is that they are biologically related. Anything beyond that depends on the individuals. My sister is the stereo-typical middle child who will tell you that she had the most horrible childhood existence in the world living in my "shadow" and being followed by the only son who was treated like the second coming of Chr1st. As an adult she has chosen to live nearly 1000 miles from the rest of us. We see her and her family a few times a year, and we do speak often, but we are only as "close" as people that live 1000 miles away could be.

As soon as my brother got married, he basically chose to join her family and leave ours. He has seen my 4.5 year old son on holidays and when we are all with my parents for an occasion. If I had to count, it would probably be about 3 or 4 times a year even though he lives farily close by. And the "holidays" we spend together at my parents house are rarely celebrated on the ACTUAL holiday...that MUST be spent with his in-laws. We're talking about Palm Sunday instead of Easter, the Saturday before Christmas, and Mothers Day, but only when his in-laws are able to join us.

The only thing that the 3 of us have in common is that we were brought up in the same house. Our interests, families, priorities and goals could not be more different. We would most likely not be friends if we were strangers meeting under different circumastances. Despite my mother's best efforts, and much to her disappointment, we are not close. She was an only child, and I think she had this idyllic scenario in her head about how siblings should be, and it just didn't happen.

Have another child - biological, foster, or adopted - becuase YOU and YOUR SPOUSE WANT another child. Not so your child has a playmate or friend for life because it may not work out that way and you'll be disappointed. There are so many stereotypes about only children - they will be spoiled, mal-adjusted, anti-social, selfish - there's lots of them. Few of which are true, and none of which will be magically cured by giving birth to or adopting a sibling.

 

[J'aime Paris]

I'm an only child and my dd is an only as well. I think you never miss what you don't know. I'm social and have many close friends.
Dd asked for a sibling for a short time, but now she realizes how much more time and money she gets being an only.
My dh is one of four, and isn't crazy that dd is an only. He's fairly close with his brothers. That's his perspective, because it is what he knows.
Either way, your ds will be loved, and it will all work out.

 

[crock]

Hello, first off I would like to say sorry for your loss. I have been there a few times and know just how difficult it can be.
I have an only child who is turning 10 on Tuesday and struggled for years with the "OMG, he's going to be an only" syndrome for years, I am better now but I know I was almost unbearable for the greater part of 8 yrs. A little about me, DH and I were married young, 23 and we decided that we would wait out the year to start a family. A year and a month to the date we got married I got my first pg test, our son was born one week overdue perfect in every way. I had no problems with the pregnancy or recovery. 2 years later we had what most people refer to as an ooppsie. We lost that child 5 wks later. I was devastated and did not comprehend anything. A few months later after trying unsuccessfully for another our doctor sent us for tests. During those tests it was determined that DH had a fatal illness (it was not a contributing factor to the infertility) our world was spinning. Needless to say babymaking was put on hold to conquer other issues. Dh overcame the illness and we were working towards a bigger family, DS was approaching 6 at this point. We had decided perhaps adoption might work for us, like you though the cost factor would certainly be difficult obstacle to overcome. We then sufferred another miscarriage. I had to walk away from the trying, I had to remember that I was already a mom, and even though I didn't feel like I was neglecting our son, I know I was just getting from one cycle to the next. As I said DS is going to be 10 on Tuesday (OMG!) slowly but surely I have come to terms with the fact that he may be our one and only and all of a sudden that's ok. I struggled like you are, about is that ok? Won't he be lonely? ETC ETC, but you know what I have three sisters and although I love them, I don't hang out with them, I don't socialize with them and when things are down (or even up) I don't call them to help me through or celebrate. Family is sometimes a crap shoot, there are no guarantees that my children (no matter how many I could have) would be there for each other. Of course, I envision big family dinners and but who knows what it would be really like. I met a great group of women online (a support group online) and it really helped me to hear their stories and understand various issues. DH and I won't prevent having more children but right now its ok where ever this journey leads us.

I had a lot of problems when people would say things like, "only one?" "how come no more?" "he's an only child?" I'm sure you have a list like that. I cringed every time some one asked. Finally I came up with an answer (that didn't consist of screaming obscenities) I now reply "its nature". It usually gets the point across that its not something I necessarily want but its the cards I've been dealt and I'm moving on. Is there a magic answer on how to cope, or answer your own internal questions. Nope but you will deal with things in your own terms. Be the parent you want to be to the child(ren) you have and hopefully the peace will come.

I hope I helped at least some.

 

[mom2aredhead]

My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer about 15 months ago. We've had many days of appointments, doctors, specialists, tests, results, surgery, recovery, joy, tears, setbacks, highs and lows during the past year. For the most part, I was alone with my parents for these events, or had only my husband by my side. I made and received the obligitory phone calls with the other 2, but for the most part I was on my own.
Before that happened, I used to think that I would not want my son to be alone to deal with us as ill or aging parents (I was 35 when I had him, so no spring chicken ) but I have now come to realize that even in circumstances like that, there are no guarantees that the people that SHOULD be there will actually be there.

 

[UAB master]

I am the mother of a 4 yr. old, only son. My husband and I were married 8 yrs before having him and went through fertility treatments to have him. I got pregnant, very unexpectedly, about 1 1/2 years ago- we weren't even trying. We got over the OMG!!! we're having another baby, started to get really excited and then we lost the baby. I'm not sure if I have ever been so devastated in my life. Since that time, we've gone back and forth wondering about trying to have another one. I have some medical problems and the doctor has been trying to get me to have a hysterectomy for a little over a year, but I just can't seem to do it. I keep thinking- it happened once, by surprise, maybe this will be the month.
All that said, I think I am slowly coming to terms with having an only child. We are able to give him tons of time and are able to take trips/do things that we wouldn't be able to do if we had another child.
I know I haven't really offered you any advice, just shared my thoughts with you. When you so desperately want another baby, pregnant women are everywhere! I know a little bit of how you feel. I will be praying for you and for God's guidance in your decisions.

 

[UAB master]

WendyBird 55- My family will be at WDW September 13-20. When will you be there?

 

[*KeepMovingForward*]

I agree with 100% of what Mom2aredhead said. I was an only child-for the first 15 years of my life. Though not planned, my parents had my sister and they told me they felt that it was supposed to be that way so that I wouldn't be alone. I can tell you my life up to that point was wonderful (as it was after that too). I can tell you that me and my sister were never close (not due to the age gap, but because of our personalities). We are both adults now and we have gone our separate ways. We speak and meet up out of sheer familial obligation and nothing more. She would not be my friend under any other circumstance and I'm sure she'd say the same in reverse. On the flip side I know many friends who have siblings they are very close to, so you just never know what will happen later in life. Honestly, if you really feel in your heart you and DH were meant to add to your family then by all means do it, but definitely don't do it because you think your DS will need company or a friend.

 

[Tnkrbelle565]

I am the mommy of an only child and I think all these questions (will they be lonely, will she regret not having siblings when she's older) go through your head. But I think that bottom line, DH and I are better parents for having just one. We can spend time with her, spoil her a little, send her to the daycare/schools of our choice, etc. I am also one of 3 and I don't have good relationships with either of my siblings...not that I have bad relationships with them but we just aren't close. My siblings live far so I may only see them once a year and talk to them (aside from email) a couple of times a year...and we are all comfortable with that.

 

[marlynnp]

I'm an only and never regretted not have siblings. My DD is also an only and is very happy too.

 

[LIBLULA]

My DD8 is an only. My husband and I were together for 10 years before we even thought of having a baby. It's really weird, but when my daughter was born, it just felt like our family was complete. My mother has given me lots of grief over her being an only. I have thought about her being by herself when we are gone, but even if she had a sibling--doesn't mean they will be close. She has really never asked for a brother/sister. She's well adjusted---very social. My sister has a daughter who is the same age--they are very close---just like sisters.

 

[jessica52877]

I always assumed that I would have atleast 2 children, I was so sick with my first that I didn't want anything to do with having a second. He is 5 1/2 now and some days I think how great it would be for him but others I know how much it would take away from him. I wanted him to be older so if I was as sick with 2nd it would easier on the both of us, taking care of a toddler while pregnant definately would have been out.

Being that he is so old and DH is getting up there in age I am sure he will be an only. The only reason I would want it changed at this point is for when he grows older so he would have someone to lean on when I am not around anymore. We are perfectly content with our life now and can do more because we have just one. If I had another now, they would no longer be playmates, too many years between them.

All that being said, my DH does not talk with his sisters at all. I tried and tried when we got married and had a few visits and I see why they don't talk now. So just because someone has a sibling doesn't mean they will even hardly communicate. Oh, and I have seen this much more then just with DH.

 

[chipper10]

I'm an only child. I always wished for brothers and sisters. I have a lot of cousins though, so I always had other kids to play with. Right now, DS is an only. But I'm hoping one day he will have a brother or sister, just not right now. DH and I talk about maybe trying again when DS is five or six. But, DS might just end up being an only child. My niece is 3 months younger than my DS and I'm hoping that they will be close. We only live 5 minutes from them, so they get to play together all the time.

 

[Ephany]

The only guaranteed "bond" that brothers and sisters have is that they are biologically related. Anything beyond that depends on the individuals. My sister is the stereo-typical middle child who will tell you that she had the most horrible childhood existence in the world living in my "shadow" and being followed by the only son who was treated like the second coming of Chr1st. As an adult she has chosen to live nearly 1000 miles from the rest of us. We see her and her family a few times a year, and we do speak often, but we are only as "close" as people that live 1000 miles away could be.

This could be me! Not only do I have a red-headed child, I have NOTHING in common with my siblings. My sister is convinced that following me through school caused all of her life problems and my baby brother could not (and still can't) do anything wrong. There's a reason I live 3,000 miles from my family. I tell people that my close friends are the family I chose, because I'm honestly closer with my best friend than I could ever be with my sister. We don't like each other, and if we weren't related, most likely wouldn't have anything to do with each other, ever.

My DD occasionally asks for a sibling, but that talk always quickly ends when we have playdates and she sees how much is actually involved. She knows it's not an option right now for our family, besides she has friends and cousins. If you and your DH really want another child, do it for you, not for the child you already have.

 

[tomboy_m]

my DD 4 is an only. She sometimes asks for a baby brother/sister. Her best friend's mom just had triplets.. this has drastically decreased DD desire for a baby. I think having just one really increases the amount of time and attention that I can enjoy with her. I have MS so I really don't think having another child would be great for my body since it was shortly after DD was born that I was diagnosed..too many hormonal changes I believe. I always tell her that I stopped with perfection and have no need to have another child.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

I'm an only child and do not miss having siblings. I liked having all the attention.

When I was in a moms group when my DS was a toddler, one of the moms told me she was having another baby, because she read in a parents magazine that the best thing you can give your child is a sibling. Whoever wrote that is off their rocker. I told her you don't miss something you never had.

My DH has a sister who is younger then him. They are not close at all. They barely talk. She has 2 kids and so do my DH and I. The only time my kids see their cousins are at birthday parties and holidays. And we live only 45 minutes away from each other.

So even if you had another child there is no guarantee they will be close.

 

[Wendybird55]

Wow! Thank you so much everyone for your thoughts, input, experiences and advice. It means so much to me- especialy to know others are out there struggling with the same thoughts and feelings I am.

So many of you have brought up the various issues I've been debating over and it helps to hear them out loud from others.

I want to respond to many of you individually and will in a longer post, but now I have to finish getting ready for work and get DS up to take to grandmas.

Quickly - I will be in WDW Aug 31 - Sept. 5. And right now that's all I'm looking forward to and it's been my "time clock". After my last lost and then booking this trip I decided not to try or decide about trying again until we go to Disney - I didn't want anything to ruin this trip. And now that we're getting close I'm beginning to think..

Thanks again everyone - I will get back to you all soon!

 

[Keara'sMom]

First, I have to say how sorry I am for your pregnancy losses. That certainly must have taken a toll, and I think you're wise for taking a physical and emotional break. I hope you have a wonderful time at WDW!

Second, I'm the parent of an only, dd11. My dh and I always thought we wanted two kids, but life kind of got in the way, and before we knew it, we were in our 40s and our dd was in school, and we just felt our family was fine the way it was. Our dd is VERY social and has lots of friends, and I think she's pretty well-adjusted. On occasion she's expressed the desire for a sibling, but not lately (actually, she said that she was glad she didn't have a sibling, since her friend's sister has started wearing her clothing without asking!), and we really do have fun as a three-person unit. Recently, I've been a little sad about the passing of time, though; my dd just finished elementary school and is getting braces today, so she's definitely turning into a preteen! When you just have one child, each milestone is the first and the last, so it's bittersweet. I do love our relationship, though, and again, our family is pretty great just the way it is (btw, dh and I both have siblings and are close with all of them).

That said, I think you need to do what's best for you. Take good care of yourself...