OT Need Unbiased Opinions on MIL issue

[DISNEYFOS]

Just thought I would try to get some unbiased opinions about something. We are traveling at the end of the month with my inlaws. Its basically a big combo birthday trip. My birthday, My DH, My MIL, My DD and my DNeice all have birthdays within 3 weeks of each other at the end of October.

We came up with a plan last year to go to Disney together. My Dneice (5) and DNephew (4) have never been. DNeice is turning 6 and has been in love with the princesses for ever it seems.

To celebrate the all the birthdays, my DH and I decided to treat everyone to CRT for Lunch with the two girls going to BBB before. So Thats 12 people for Lunch. Cha Ching...

So now back to the "issue" for the past couple of weeks my MIL has been pressuring us to go to her house in Oct before we go for a birthday dinner. They live about a hour and half away. We've said Its just too busy..we have a 3 month old, we are trying to plan a kid birthday party for DD with her friends and we have to do something with my parents because they won't be in Disney. Literally every weekend in Oct is booked with something... So then she said they can come to our house to do a party. Umm No. We are too busy. We are celebrating the birthdays in Disney. Maybe somehow she feels like this CRT plan is just for the kids (which it is of course geared to them) but come on..Its her grandchildren..Its pretty pricey..Why do we need to do something more for just her???

Its not even a big birthday for her..she's turning 64. My Husband is turning 40 and its not like he's getting his own party We also got them tickets to MNSSHP (which we should of been reimbursed for).

I think its completely unreasonable to be looking for us to do more. I mean not for nothing but I haven't even had a full nights sleep since June 28th (longer if you count the uncomfortable pregnancy time ) and planning a kids birthday party as well as packing/planning a trip for a 3 month old is not a piece of cake. (no pun intended).

My husband thinks she's being unreasonable..but of course he's susceptible to the intense glare of mother guilt.

What do you all think?

 

[MommyBoo!]

Honestly? I think that just because you and your DH decided to celebrate the birthdays at CRT, that may not be how she wants to celebrate her birthday. Not to mention that it is mostly going to be for the kids. And yes, your with Cinderella at Disney, I get that. Maybe that's not what she wants and would feel bad telling you so? You know, I know that it's the thought that counts and not the gift, but I have always thought that the gift should be geared toward the recipient and not the giver.

Also, it seems that we are less likely to want to celebrate at 40 and more likely at 64. And why shouldn't she want to celebrate her birthday? We see our families almost weekly and still take the time to celebrate each person's birthday from the 3 year old to the 92 year old. And we have large families. And are also very busy.

I know you have been/are busy but why not meet them somewhere for dinner? That way, you won't have to cook one night and she gets her birthday dinner. Maybe she doesn't want you to do something more just for her but maybe she would rather celebrate her birthday in a different way then you have chosen.

 

[GoinToDisney]

I think you should compromise and do a special birthday dinner for her at Disney. It doesn't even have to be in the parks, but something just for her. I do think she is asking a lot of you. Meeting in the middle might be an option too, but I say why not celebrate at Disney.

 

[onesadduck]

I see both sides. I'm guessing she'd rather celebrate her birthday her way. I understand. This year, my friends decided where they would take me for my birthday dinner- I was unhappy because there was only one vegetarian option (I'm a vegetarian). I felt like it was more for the girl who chose the place who raves about their beef-something. Your MIL probably feels CRT is for the girls. Maybe you could celebrate in November? My birthday is in March, but we often had to celebrate in August due to scheduling conflicts (March is Girl Scout Cookie season, and with my mom being coleader to my troop, and leader to both of my sisters' troops- it was a hectic time). Just a month late isn't that bad.

Also, I do think she's being a little immature. My actual birthday has always been a bad day for me since I was two. I'm not really that bothered by it. We just celebrate late, or the next year. I'm fairly young (20), but I always thought birthdays would get less important as I got older.

 

[tadamom]

I agree with you. But, I kind of see how she might be feeling a little slighted. I think one of the other posters had a good idea of maybe meeting halfway for dinner. That way you wouldn't have to cook and she still feels special!

I hope you are able to work something out!

 

[disykat]

I'm confused. Does the MIL wants "HER" birthday dinner, or does she want a second, joint family celebration? I'm with the OP and don't see the need.

If she wants something just for her, suggest that it wait until after the trip and continue to tell the truth - you are too busy right now!

 

[tjlovespooh]

If she wants something just for her, suggest that it wait until after the trip and continue to tell the truth - you are too busy right now!

I agree, if your MIL truly wants to do a separate family get together simply explain that time is something you're far too short on right now and tell her you'd love to do dinner after the trip. Just be sure that your hubby calls her on her b-day.

BTW, if this was my MIL - DH would be responsible for making the excuses to his mom. He's the one she really wants to spend the evening with in the first place.
Good luck

 

[DISNEYFOS]

Thanks everyone for the responses. Sometimes she drives me nuts so its hard to think objectively.

She does indeed want another family gathering because she hasn't "seen" us in a while. (she was over my house for a labor day party but my parents where here so she says it doesn't count..she was also over for babysitting on Monday of this week so DH and I could go visit a school for DD next year).

BTW, if this was my MIL - DH would be responsible for making the excuses to his mom. He's the one she really wants to spend the evening with in the first place.
Good luck

TJlovespooh this is so true. DH handles most of the discussions like this because she would think I was running the show.

They came to a bit of a compromise. DH is coming home for lunch on a Monday and we will have her and FIL over. It will be a quick visit but I guess she's going to push for it. I guess I have to prepare lunch for them and then get my DD off to preschool. fun.

I did make a bunch of dinner reservations for everyone for our trip but the majority of them are in Epcot because of Food & Wine ((after asking where everyone wanted go ("silence") Now, They don't know whether they will want to come because they would have to buy park tickets. I've told them its cheaper to buy 3 or 4 days rather than just two but not sure its sunk in. I just think she's not thrilled with Disney in general.

Thanks for helping me see both sides. Although I do think she's being a bit immature and not very sensitive to the fact we just had a baby.

DH mentioned on the phone to her last night "we had a rough night last night the baby was up quite a bit, she said "Oh me too. I was up a lot too"
Excuse me?? She has prescription for pills..we don't have that luxury.

 

[DISNEYFOS]

Oh just to add. She really doesn't even like to go out to eat. She doesn't like to spend money. Her preference is for us to spend a whole weekend at her house (very small town in NH, nothing around for miles), TV can't be turned on (my BIL is a sports freak so he loves this), just sit in a room and chat. Which is basically just her peppering us with questions while she downs bottles of wine.

I'm thinking maybe we could order a cake at the boardwalk bakery and have it in our Villa one night..that might be more her style I guess.

 

[powellrj]

I guess I am feeling sorry for your MIL. Your post seems to be about everything you have done, you planned, you paid.

Did she ask for any of the things you paid for or were things things you wanted to do for your family so you are just including them and telling her to be happy because we are paying.

She is asking for a little of your time. Sure you are busy, but who isn't these days. She is telling you what she needs and you are telling her tough luck, this is what I want. She is offering to have you come to her or for her to come to you and you still tell her no.

I would take a step back and understand that maybe this is something she really needs from you right now. I don't see that she is asking anything from you except a little time. If you are so busy, maybe your DH and take the kids and go alone to give you a little of the time you need.

If this is the first time she has ever made an issue of it, I would guess there is more going on here and she is just really needing to spend a little family time. Maybe she is a little depressed or she isn't feeling well or she is just lonely for her family without a large group.

 

[tweedlemom]

She wants to spend her birthday with her family. I see nothing wrong with that. Everyone's busy these days, but one's birthday seems like a great reason to get together.

 

[DISNEYFOS]

She wants to spend her birthday with her family. I see nothing wrong with that. Everyone's busy these days, but one's birthday seems like a great reason to get together.

Hence the disney trip for a week with her Grandkids. Her entire family will be with her for a whole week.

 

[Alicnwondrln]

I agree, if your MIL truly wants to do a separate family get together simply explain that time is something you're far too short on right now and tell her you'd love to do dinner after the trip. Just be sure that your hubby calls her on her b-day.

BTW, if this was my MIL - DH would be responsible for making the excuses to his mom. He's the one she really wants to spend the evening with in the first place.
Good luck

I agree.

 

[DISNEYFOS]

I guess I am feeling sorry for your MIL. Your post seems to be about everything you have done, you planned, you paid.

Did she ask for any of the things you paid for or were things things you wanted to do for your family so you are just including them and telling her to be happy because we are paying.

She is asking for a little of your time. Sure you are busy, but who isn't these days. She is telling you what she needs and you are telling her tough luck, this is what I want. She is offering to have you come to her or for her to come to you and you still tell her no.

I would take a step back and understand that maybe this is something she really needs from you right now. I don't see that she is asking anything from you except a little time. If you are so busy, maybe your DH and take the kids and go alone to give you a little of the time you need.

If this is the first time she has ever made an issue of it, I would guess there is more going on here and she is just really needing to spend a little family time. Maybe she is a little depressed or she isn't feeling well or she is just lonely for her family without a large group.

I don't know, I don't think this is the way it is. My SIL (her daughter was the one with the plan for disney) they just looked to us to plan because we have been there multiple times.

I'm not the one with the time problems...my family is. that includes my DH, my DD and myself. We have multiple birthday partys for my DDs friends, we have ballet and sunday school, we have my own DDs party to plan. My DH wants to go to a beer festival. And my MIL has plans of her own..She has told us certain days won't do for her so we have to work around her schedule to plan something that basically conflicts with our schedule. And the small group thing doesn't fly..she loves to be the center of attention..the more people the better.

I would be in complete agreement with you on spending time with her if we weren't planning a whole weeks vacation with them in 4 weeks time.

 

[mjantz]

Oh just to add. She really doesn't even like to go out to eat. She doesn't like to spend money. Her preference is for us to spend a whole weekend at her house (very small town in NH, nothing around for miles), TV can't be turned on (my BIL is a sports freak so he loves this), just sit in a room and chat. Which is basically just her peppering us with questions while she downs bottles of wine.

I'm thinking maybe we could order a cake at the boardwalk bakery and have it in our Villa one night..that might be more her style I guess.

I'm so sorry my MIL has a twin in NH! My kids are dying to take my in-laws on a Disney cruise. I don't have the heart to tell them that the in-laws wouldn't want to go on a cruise if it was free (which it would be for them because we would pay for it). We've begged them to go on vacation with us several times but they'd rather go visit a few family members for the 5th year in a row instead of going somewhere with us. The kids don't understand why their other grandparents want to go on vacations with them but the in-laws don't.

 

[mommytobug]

Welcome to "martyr-in-law" -ville. I have the same issues. It is not my idea of a wonderful time to have repeated birthday get togethers and be expected to attend. I am including my own also. I know there is a difference in the way people are raised. I also had a MIL who did not understand the repsonsibility/lack of sleep with a new baby and would not offer to help unless under her conditions. I say you are obsessing about this too much. I do encourage the cake or even gift basket in the room. that would be very nice and make her feel special. Memories by Betsy is great!!

 

[flipflop]

I'm confused. Does the MIL wants "HER" birthday dinner, or does she want a second, joint family celebration? I'm with the OP and don't see the need.

If she wants something just for her, suggest that it wait until after the trip and continue to tell the truth - you are too busy right now!

I agree.

You are planning a whole trip as a the "family" birthday trip. You have all chosen to take a vacation together to celebrate birthdays. I think that you are giving her plenty of time and don't see the need for a second birthday celebration in addition to the trip. I would make sure there is a cake or some other special treat on the day of her birthday in WDW and make sure to sing, etc. We have a similar situation in March - DH, SIL, BIL and my birthday all fall within a week of each other and it makes March insane. We have an event one day of each and every weekend between now and Christmas. Thus, I totally get the whole "busy" factor and with packing for your trip, dealing with the sleep deprivation that comes when you have a newborn, throwing your dd's birthday party for her school friends and seeing your side of the family for the Oct birthdays, since they won't be travelling with you, you have enough on your plate.

The whole idea of "you can't always get what you want" doesn't just apply to children. We all have things we would like that we don't get. MIL is getting to enjoy a birthday trip with her side of the family, which is a wonderful gift - one my own MIL dreams of (even if you paid for nothing, b/c it is a gift of your time and vacation days). She will have a whole week to see your kids when you are away on vacation with her.

In terms of making lunch, if that is the compromise you have come up with that sounds like it might work but I am concerned about how you talked about "having to make lunch" etc. You just sound tired - or maybe just irritated that MIL can't appreciate that you are taking a trip together and is insisting and guilting for more of your time. My MIL does the martyr thing and it makes me crazy. Might I suggest ordering a pizza or subs? No prep, paper plate worthy and easy clean-up means less stress for you.

 

[mikymouse]

I miss my Mother In Law... now. You will never regret giving in a little to make her world a little better...sounds like she wants to be included but wants to find alternatives. Is getting to Disney a hardship for her or is she trying to make things easier for you by offering her home.. you did make a big deal of the cost of the CRT to her... maybe she thinks she is helping you by offering an alternative. I agree with the previous poster, something else is going on here. I know it is busy with little ones but the older ones and the little ones often have a lot in common they need attention.

 

[DisBound08]

Hey, I have the same type of MIL in a small town in NH! Small world! Although, there is NO WAY I would EVER go on vacation with my MIL! That would not be a vacation - that would be stress!!!

Really, I feel for the OP! I realize birthdays are important, but enough already. You have a new baby and a busy life. It seems you do spend a fair bit of time with them already. If she didn't want to go to Disney, she probably should have voiced that awhile ago. Then you could have gone to Disney with whoever wanted to go. Every party has a pooper!

Communication - if she didn't like the plan, then it's her responsiblity to say, "hey, what your doing by taking us all out to CRT is very gerenerous and I look forward to being with everyone, but if it's at all possible, I would like to do something different to celebrate my birthday. The kids will have a great time at CRT - I'm sure, but I like a different kind of gathering. Do you think we could find some time and plan that?"

Good luck and *enjoy* your vacation!

 

[fey_spirit]

Why should our birthdays get less important as we get older?
Frankly I think they become more worth celebrating - in this ever frustrating, difficult and sometimes outright cruel world... each birthday is a time to celebrate another year we survived. It takes a lot more to survive 65 years then 33 (my grandma's age and mine respectively) - therefore I think the 65 year old actually has more to celebrate.

Also, I do think she's being a little immature. My actual birthday has always been a bad day for me since I was two. I'm not really that bothered by it. We just celebrate late, or the next year. I'm fairly young (20), but I always thought birthdays would get less important as I got older.