OT: Need advice... What do you do if your toddler BITES?

[kahluacream]

Here's the situation:
My 28 month-old DS just started potty training yesterday and took to it immediately with hardly any accidents. Just as I was ready to pat myself on the back for this major feat, he bit his 4 yr-old brother-- HARD! (They were "rough housing" at the time.) I put him in time out immediately and tended to his crying brother. After time out, I told him that biting hurts and asked him to apologize.

Fast forward a few hours... I'm cleaning up from dinner, and the boys are playing in the next room. My two-year old bit his brother AGAIN, this time breaking the skin!!!

Obviously, my time-out wasn't effective. I don't want this biting thing to become a trend. I'm nervous to send my 2 yr-old to preschool this week because I would be mortified if he hurt another child in his class.

No flames, please... I'm just looking for some practical advice from anyone who's been there, done that... and lived to tell the tale!! TIA!!!

 

[horsegirl]

I had a serious biter. It was terrible -at daycare, at home. It went way past two years. He had other issues, but this was by far one of the most distressing. You did exactly what all the literature says to do, time out the child with no attention and tend to the victim. Then go over that it hurts and is wrong afterwards. The thing is, it may take more than a few times for your little one to learn to restrain himself. The literature notes that biting is really no different than hitting, but seems so much worse as it is much more painful. My youngest did this for a short time when he was two, which was totally distressing as we went through so much with our eldest, and our daughter in the middle never bit, so we thought we were on easy street until our baby turned "primitive" all the sudden! Don't distress. Just keep your responses the same each time. Be very firm, and consistent. Biting is common for toddlers who have very little self control or ability to utilize their words. hang in there. He'll figure out it isn't worth it over time when he sees his brother or another child getting all your attention and he is getting none. Sometimes kids bite only a few times and stop. Sometimes once they start, they do it for a period of several months or more. I can sympathize with your stress. It was very difficult for us as our guy did this to little ones in daycare. Hang in there!

 

[BuzzLightYear3]

I wouldn't get too worried....I think most kids go through that, and it's usually short-lived. Sounds like you handled it perfectly. I still remember the last time my oldest (now 12) bit someone.....it was me! He had bitten a couple kids in day care (after having been the victim a bunch of times!), but then he bit me at home....once.....gave me a perfect opportunity to hold his hands, look him straight in the eye, and tell him "no biting" in probably the most stern voice he'd ever heard up to that point in his life. He instantly broke out into tears.....it's one thing to get some disapproval from a teacher or another toddler.....whole other thing to get it from your Mom and realize that you hurt your Mom. He never bit again!

 

[tracilicious]

We had this problem with ds when he was about 20 months. He would even bite the dog! We got him a book called, "Teeth are not for biting," which worked wonders! We read the book several times a day and if he started to bite we would tell him that teeth weren't for biting teeth were for (insert anything that teeth are for, smiling, chewing, whatever). Within a few days he wasn't biting anymore. He still loves that book. I highly recommend it.

 

[barkley]

as a parent of a "bitee" (for some reason dd was always on the recieving end, i think in large part because the other toddlers knew she would never strike back) who had the welts, the broken skin, the tetnus shot and antibiotics for the infection...LET THE PRESCHOOL PROVIDER KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON BEFORE THE NEXT TIME YOU LEAVE YOUR CHILD!

too often parents are too embarrassed to disclose whats happening, and only after the child bites another at school do they disclose it's been happening at home. the provider needs to know what is going on so that they can monitor the child and work with you and your child on behaviour modification strategies.

i saw more of this when i taught in a toddler center (seemed teethers sometimes got into this), but when i taught preschool and this was happening, it seemed the child was either seeking a thrill with the reaction it caused or had decided this was their mechanism for venting anger. in either case, while a time-out can be effective sometimes stronger methods must be employed (restricting their time with other children or only allowing it in a completly supervised setting). i think it is important when correcting the behaviour (when it happens) it is better to say "YOU HURT" vs "that hurts". the child needs to understand that THEY are inflicting and causing the pain and that it is something that THEY can control (with the exception of some children with emotional/mental issues which is a whole other ball of wax).

good luck-hope your giving big kudos to older brother for not striking back, that's a very mature move on a 4 year old's part.

 

[kahluacream]

Horsegirl- Thanks for your kind words. This is a very stressful problem.... I really hope it turns out to be short-lived.

Buzz- Glad your situation was resolved by a stern reprimand from you. I'll keep this in mind if DS2 turns his chompers on me!

Tracilicious- I'll be hitting Amazon today to get that book... Thanks!

Barkley- Calling the teacher was on my list of things to do. I agree that's a very important step. Better for me to be embarassed than another child to be hurt. While I sympathized with DS4 after being bitten, I definitely could have praised him more. That's a great suggestion.


Thanks for all of the responses. If anyone else out there has any tips that worked for them, I'd really appreciate your input.

 

[trene]

As a daycare provider I agree it is very important to let your daycare know that he has started biting. If you have a good center, they will watch him and hopefully be able to stop him in the act. Much more effective to stop them as they are doing it then to get onto them after the fact. Be stern with him and remember the parent motto "This to shall pass". Good luck!

 

[kahluacream]

"This too shall pass..." My new mantra!

 

[metivier]

Here's an article on biting that our daycare provider has on their web site:

What's a Little Bite Among Friends?

 

[barkley]

Here's an article on biting that our daycare provider has on their web site:

What's a Little Bite Among Friends?

as a former ece/preschool teacher: NO WAY, NO HOW would i have not informed the biter's parent upon the first instance. NO WAY, NO HOW would i have ever told a parent that biting was something that was to be expected in any setting (it should be the exception NOT the norm). while i understand not initialy disclosing to the "bitee's" parent who bit them, should the skin be broken it is absolutly necessary for the pediatrician to be able to access medical history on the biter (some children are still not innoculated against deadly and crippling diseases, and should a child who has not been innoculated (per age) be bitten by a child who has been recently exposed or shown symptoms of such a disease...i shudder to think of the consequences-in my child's situation she developed an infection due to the biter's yet undiagnosed strep infection).

this article in my opinion smacks of "liability disclaimer". it is the type of information that ece/daycare providers issue in hopes of discouraging liability claims in the event of a child's injury.

 

[Sandcass]

I have been working in daycare settings of every kind for about 20 years and I have no idea how to stop a biter. For some kids it's a quick phase that they stop right away, other children are just chronic biters and nothing will stop them. At a La Petite that I worked at we had to ask a child to stop coming because he was so bad. We seriously tried EVERYTHING.

Today I had a 2 yr old bite twice, he has been biting his sister regularly at home for a while, but this is the first time he did it at my house. His mom has tried time-outs, a little (harmless!) smack on the mouth, biting him back, and soap(he liked it!). All I can do is watch him like a hawk and try to stop him before he hurts somebody. He always cries and says "sorry" after, but he just can't control his frustration & anger.

Gosh, I was no help at all for the OP! I'm sorry. Good luck, with the biting & the potty training. Believe it or not, my kids are almost 8 & 11 and someday you'll miss having a 2 year old. YES REALLY!!!!!!

 

[metivier]

while i understand not initialy disclosing to the "bitee's" parent who bit them, should the skin be broken

I totally agree that if a biter breaks the skin on a bitee, the biter's parents should definitely be told of the occurence. As the parent of both a biter and a bitee, we were fortunate that none of the bites over the past three years involved breaking the skin. It is still disconcerting/worrisome on either "side" of the bite!

 

[tracilicious]

Today I had a 2 yr old bite twice, he has been biting his sister regularly at home for a while, but this is the first time he did it at my house. His mom has tried time-outs, a little (harmless!) smack on the mouth, biting him back, and soap(he liked it!). All I can do is watch him like a hawk and try to stop him before he hurts somebody. He always cries and says "sorry" after, but he just can't control his frustration & anger.

What an a$$hat of a parent. Some people are such freaking idiots. GRRRRR!!!!! That kind of moronic parenting makes my blood boil. I would have some serious educating to do if I were watching that lady's kid. There is no such thing as a "harmless" smack on the mouth. Soap?!!!! Biting him back?! I mean, come on? Who is the child in that relationship. Freaking morons.

 

[Sandcass]

What an a$$hat of a parent. Some people are such freaking idiots. GRRRRR!!!!! That kind of moronic parenting makes my blood boil. I would have some serious educating to do if I were watching that lady's kid. There is no such thing as a "harmless" smack on the mouth. Soap?!!!! Biting him back?! I mean, come on? Who is the child in that relationship. Freaking morons.

Your post cracked me up because she's actually one of the best moms I've ever watched for. I'm not going to argue parenting choices here, but I will say she didn't do anything wrong, and I've made the same choices with my kids. Please don't resort to name calling on these boards, you have not met this woman and have no business calling her names.

 

[100AcreWood]

My dd was a biter at 18 months and her preschool teacher sent me to the Director's office because she claimed I had an aggressive child. When the teacher left the room, I asked the Director how serious is this? She smiled and said it's perfectly normal and she would outgrow it in 6 months. She was right. We reinforced the same punishment when she bit (we removed her from the situation and reminded her we do not bite!). After 6 months she found better ways to express her frustration. Now she hits every now and then but I remind her not to hit and tell people what she thinks. Now she yells "I do not like that." Good luck!

 

[tracilicious]

Your post cracked me up because she's actually one of the best moms I've ever watched for. I'm not going to argue parenting choices here, but I will say she didn't do anything wrong, and I've made the same choices with my kids. Please don't resort to name calling on these boards, you have not met this woman and have no business calling her names.

Sometimes when I read something so awful like what you posted the woman did to her two year old I get so pissed off that I have a hard time communicating effectively. Let me try again.

While those are all completely innappropriate ways to treat a child, I neeed to remember that some people just don't know of better ways. She is probably just uneducated. I do think it's very scary that a daycare provider isn't more educated though. Those are terrible choices to make.

 

[Sandcass]

Ok, I'll bite, you're educated in childcare? What degree exactly would that be?

 

[Mom to Jordan]

You have gotten some good advice. As a preschool director one thing I always tell parent is to not over react. Toddlers LOVE to get a reaction from adults and an over reaction to a bite can increase the chance he will do it again. A quick "We do not bite, that hurts" in a firm but controlled voice and a two minute time out is a good procedure. Also letting the child see you care for the injured child is important too. Sometimes we have the child help with the hurt child by holding the ice or helping wash the area.
Allerting the teacher is very important but again, do not make too big a deal and DO NOT let your child hear you tell the teacher. Most children that bite at home do not bite at school.
The potty training may not have had anything to do with it but if he seems flustrated just ease off a little on the training. We see bites most often when children's verbal skills can not keep up with thier little brains!!!

Good luck!
Jordans' mom

 

[belle&beast]

I can tell you what worked for me... My DS was about 18 months when it was the worst and he was teething and had an ear infection, so it could have been brought about by the pain. I don't know if that could be a part of it for you, too.

He did bite out of anger and we could tell when he was going to because he would grit his teeth and shake his fists, so we had a warning. When we saw him doing this, we would laugh and say "oh, look, Anthony is being strong!" Then we would shake our fists, too and he thought it was funny. Before long the biting stopped and now he likes to show his muscles.

Just know that this is a very typical behavior for children when they can't express their feelings and it will get better. Good luck and I agree with everyone to warn your daycare teachers so they can be extra cautious.

 

[Rae&familyxmas05]

Being a preschool teacher, (two year old's) I seen children bite for many different reasons. Yes alot of studies say it is "developmentally appropriate". I don't agree with that completely. I think every situation is different. I've had a two year old bite because she wanted a toy another child had and that was the only way she could get it, mind you she has no difficulty with her verbal skill. I had a two year old bite only during transition times. The change of activity was just too much for him. Another child bit when a certain teacher was working in the room. Look at all of the events that lead up to the biting, it could be a common factor. Yes continue to reinforce that biting is not acceptable behavior, but also examine what may of caused it. Congrats on the potty training, trained my DD at 28 months also. Speaking to his teachers is a great idea it will make them more alert.