OT:my son was being harassed on Facebook :(

[beachgrl001]

So I know this is OT but I know some of us have teenagers, I cant stress enough how much to please pay attention to their Facebooks.
My ds is 15 he is not perfect, but he is a pretty good kid. He is a guitar player in 2 pop punk bands this keeps him very busy. He is what the teenagers now call "strait edge" which means they dont drink or smoke or party its pretty much all about the music. Anyway we are the "cool parents" I hate to label myself but my husband and I have tattoos and drive harleys the kids have band practice at my house and they tell me everything. Sooo I am on my sons Facebook and I notice he puts in his statuts that he is playing the new pokemon game and is doing really good at it. (alot of his friends/bandmates play it) to them it is retro from when they were young.
So all of a sudden these 2 kids start making nasty comments to my son about his statuts saying he is a looser and immature ect and My son was getting more and more upset now he didnt want to look like a wimp so he is comming back at them but trying to lighten the situation and I could tell it was just getting worse and worse at one point the one kid says to my son that he should go jump off a bridge!
k that was it I was done. I know I shouldnt have but I sent the kid a privet message saying that I had copies of everything he wrote and that if it didnt end right now i would take it to the school the police ect. so the kid then appologised and says that he is done. My son found out and was furious with me, I was crying because he tells me everything and now will he not trust me, I said to him I had to do it I am his mom and I have to look out for him I know we are very close and are bff's but I told him there comes a time when I have to be a parent. He stopped being mad at me and we are cool again(thank God) My husband dosent know I got involved. Did I do the right thing? I felt that I had to step in my son was home from school today because he said he felt sick but i know he was sick because of this...

 

[Nancy F]

Hope that put an end to it. Better you get involved now than have to go on Nancy Grace after something goes really wrong. I think you did the right thing. I'm not a parent but I think I would have done the same.
Nancy

 

[Ericandjenng]

I am a parent of younger children and I am sure this kind of thing will come up as they grow.

I understand why you did it but sometimes you have to let your child make their own stand. If he was not close to you and refused to be open about things in his life, I would say YES you did the right thing. But because you know he tells you pretty much everything, you should know even though it bothered him, he is probably strong enough to handle the flak.

That being said...Keep your head up and keep your open communication with your kid...That's the most potent and important resource any child can have!

 

[MSSANDRA]

I think you love your son VERY much but I would have talked to him first.

I think that parents need to let their children know that they do visit their facebooks etc., but before intervention it would have been better to talk with him and see where his feelings were on this matter. I know you meant well but it might make it worse if his friends see it as "mommy's boy" needing saving.
Hope it all works out!!!

 

[indimom]

You made a decision to step in because you love your son and saw that he was hurting.
Some folks might say it was wrong or embarassing for him to have his mother "fight his battles for him", others would say it was right because this could have gotten out of hand and bad things happen when kids are harassing each other...
Here is one thing I try to remind myself of when I'm fretting over a decision: "In 20 years, will this even matter? Will we even remember?" In most cases, it's a resounding no. And in this case, what I bet your son will remember is that you cared, not that he was angry for a moment. You're on good footing with your son and he understands where you were coming from. That is the most important thing, in my opinion.

 

[beachgrl001]

I did end up talking to my son and he is not mad about it at all. I feel like I did the right thing. We moved here from Philly to give him a better life and The things I had to grow up with in Philly, I saw people die over stuff less than this. And thats pretty much what I told that kid. I said My son dosent know I am writing this to you and he will be way mad if he finds out but i have seen people die over stuff like this I dont want to see things escalate. If you dont like my kid fine. If you want to fight him fine, come on over. but the harassment stops here....
so that is basically what I said I think I was pretty cool about it and i told my kid that as far as they know I did it w/o my sons concent(which i did) so there was nothing he could do about it.
I thought about it and if i had to, I would do it again. The stuff they were saying was uncalled for and I meant it. If they want to fight him fine. they can come here one on one not 2 against one like it was getting to be I saw alot of my sons friends getting involved and this thing would have turned into a big brawl, my son has ALOT of friends, most of them older. It would not have been good I Have seen kids get beat to death with baseball bats cause someone didnt like them, that is my reality so I couldnt not say anything...I was iffy on it last night but today I am crystal clear. I guess I pretty much told them poop or get off the pot (altho I was a little more explicit than that)

My son said he still wants to fight this kid, but I think now they will maybe think before anthing goes down I just wanted things to be fair. I have seen alot lived alot and lost alot of people I cared about. This is why my son and his friends are so close to me I think I tell them about stuff like drugs and what they can do to you, What I have seen them do first hand. Anyway Im glad I said what I said. My cousin accually went on my sons face book and left a message on the thread! lol at least I didnt do that. I think it is good that they know that he has people who care about him and have his back.

 

[Alesia]

In the future, talk to your son, give him advice, but don't fight his battles for him. I know there will be plenty of dis moms who tell you you did the right thing, but they are coming from the perspective of a mom, not a teenage boy. People will trivialize it - saying it isn't that big of a deal, but it is clearly a big deal to your son. And his opinion should carry more weight than the opinions of strangers.

I don't think there are many grown women who understand what it's like to be a teenage boy. People worry so much about their daughters' self esteem, but what they don't realize is that boys' egos are very, very fragile, much more so than girls'. Having your mom fight your battle for you is just about the most mortifying thing that can happen.

Do I understand why you did it? Of course! You're his mom, and it kills you to see your baby hurting. That's perfectly normal. But, he's more man than boy now and he has to take care of these things on his own.

 

[ShannonMB]

My son said he still wants to fight this kid, but I think now they will maybe think before anthing goes down I just wanted things to be fair.

I agree with Alesia that the last thing most teenage boys would want is for their mom to fight their battles for them, but as a mama I totally understand where you were coming from when you got involved. And it probably doesn't hurt that the kid knows that adults are monitoring what is happening between them on Facebook.

Responding to your quote above, I do hope you will talk with your son and explain to him that there are ways to solve problems/disputes other than fighting. If someone comes at him with a weapon or tries to hurt him, of course he has a right to defend himself. But I would personally not be comfortable with them just duking it out to prove who is "more of a man". People can/do die in "fair, one on one" fights, too, and over what? A pokemon game and some teasing?

 

[princessmom29]

I am a high school teacher, and I know this doesn't help after the fact, but I think you made a mistake getting involved in this and that my be part of the reason it is now to the point that there is talk of a fight. It sounded like typical teenage stuff to me, certianly nothing I would have gotten into. I think that perhaps you getting into it pushed it further than it needed to go. Mommy jumping in and defending him created the need to save face and prove something. I am not saying this to be mean, but to help the next time something like this happens. If you want your son to continue sharing his life with you, I would let him handle stuff like this on his own as a parent you can only make a battle of words worse by jumping in the middle. When things get to the point that it is constant harassment, or a serious threat of violence, then you need to do something but not before. "Go jump off a bridge" to me is not a serious threat of violence, but a typical teenage comment. I wouldn't have made such a big deal out of it.

 

[Lovin' Disney]

You can't write on someone's wall on Facebook without being their friend. Why doesn't your son just drop this guy as a friend on FB? Then there will be no more harassing comments.

 

[beachgrl001]

he deleted them He has like 700 ppl on his fb. They said wayyy more than the jumping off the bridge thing. Most of the stuff they said was not anything I could post on here (even edited) They were blatent threats. I pay ALOT of money in taxes every year for my son to be able to go to school and be secure I was very upfront with them I was totally not like a "mommy" I told them if they have a problem come on over, but quit the harrassing. I dont want my sons friends (mostly over 18) getting involved it would be bad for them all. I think now that they know a parent knows, the threats will stop. I dont want my son to have to fight, but If he does I want it to be fair.

 

[LuLuO]

We're quite a ways from the teen years but I think you did the right thing. I was relentlessly harrassed back in the olden days when the most sophisticated technology available to us was three way calling and it was still horrible. I wish just once that an adult, any adult, parent or teacher, had stuck up for me. Maybe things wouldn't have gotten so bad.

Good job mama!

 

[beachgrl001]

In the future, talk to your son, give him advice, but don't fight his battles for him. I know there will be plenty of dis moms who tell you you did the right thing, but they are coming from the perspective of a mom, not a teenage boy. People will trivialize it - saying it isn't that big of a deal, but it is clearly a big deal to your son. And his opinion should carry more weight than the opinions of strangers.

I don't think there are many grown women who understand what it's like to be a teenage boy. People worry so much about their daughters' self esteem, but what they don't realize is that boys' egos are very, very fragile, much more so than girls'. Having your mom fight your battle for you is just about the most mortifying thing that can happen.

Do I understand why you did it? Of course! You're his mom, and it kills you to see your baby hurting. That's perfectly normal. But, he's more man than boy now and he has to take care of these things on his own.

Let me clear here I told them if they want to fight him Fine, BUT 2 against 1 is not fair lots of kids (mostly over 18 were getting involved) I am from a big city and have seen alot of bad things in my life I have lost many friends from fights like this. It needed to be diffused. My son is cool with what I did he was mad at first but he trusts my life experiences and his friends all love me, they tell me stuff they wont even tell their parents, because I am a friend to them, so i really dont care what these 2 kids think. Ok I really shouldnt have posted this on the disboards I was upset last night...
no more responces are nessessary I am fine with everything now. Thanks for the support, we all choose to raise our kids differently. When you have people you love die from being beat so bad, then you look at life differently I guess.

 

[xipetotec]

So I know this is OT but I know some of us have teenagers, I cant stress enough how much to please pay attention to their Facebooks.
My ds is 15 he is not perfect, but he is a pretty good kid. He is a guitar player in 2 pop punk bands this keeps him very busy. He is what the teenagers now call "strait edge" which means they dont drink or smoke or party its pretty much all about the music. Anyway we are the "cool parents" I hate to label myself but my husband and I have tattoos and drive harleys the kids have band practice at my house and they tell me everything. Sooo I am on my sons Facebook and I notice he puts in his statuts that he is playing the new pokemon game and is doing really good at it. (alot of his friends/bandmates play it) to them it is retro from when they were young.
So all of a sudden these 2 kids start making nasty comments to my son about his statuts saying he is a looser and immature ect and My son was getting more and more upset now he didnt want to look like a wimp so he is comming back at them but trying to lighten the situation and I could tell it was just getting worse and worse at one point the one kid says to my son that he should go jump off a bridge!
k that was it I was done. I know I shouldnt have but I sent the kid a privet message saying that I had copies of everything he wrote and that if it didnt end right now i would take it to the school the police ect. so the kid then appologised and says that he is done. My son found out and was furious with me, I was crying because he tells me everything and now will he not trust me, I said to him I had to do it I am his mom and I have to look out for him I know we are very close and are bff's but I told him there comes a time when I have to be a parent. He stopped being mad at me and we are cool again(thank God) My husband dosent know I got involved. Did I do the right thing? I felt that I had to step in my son was home from school today because he said he felt sick but i know he was sick because of this...

Cyber Bullying is definitely a problem. We've warned our kids bigtime about this. Personally, these kids are the losers. We play a lot of videogames ( part of the reason WE are considered the cool parents in our neighborhood ) and Pokemon is a great game . But that being said, it IS a fine line between when to get involved and when to just talk to your kid about what's being said. But at some point, it does have to stop.

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

Let me clear here I told them if they want to fight him Fine, BUT 2 against 1 is not fair lots of kids (mostly over 18 were getting involved)

In your defense, a situation like that happened to my brother in middle school. A couple of kids started running their mouths and my bro said something to my dad about them following him home to beat the snot out of him one day - they told him exactly when they planned to do it.

My dad let Dbro do the talking, but was on our porch watching the whole time. Finally 3 kids started to surround my bro (only 1 was perputrator the other 2 were his buddies) and my dad stepped in. Told the kid if was going to have a go, do it alone or he was going to call the cops. If they were too afraid to go 1-on-1 (cuz the guy was little and needed his friend's help) then they needed to get the h3ll outta there or again, he'd call the cops.

Skinny boy caved and went home crying that my dad was a big meanie and wouldn't let him beat up my brother. Can you imagine that conversation??

 

[deerhart]

My son was getting more and more upset now he didnt want to look like a wimp so he is comming back at them but trying to lighten the situation and I could tell it was just getting worse and worse at one point the one kid says to my son that he should go jump off a bridge!
k that was it I was done. I know I shouldnt have but I sent the kid a privet message saying that I had copies of everything he wrote and that if it didnt end right now i would take it to the school the police ect. so the kid then appologised and says that he is done. My son found out and was furious with me, I was crying because he tells me everything and now will he not trust me, I said to him I had to do it I am his mom and I have to look out for him I know we are very close and are bff's but I told him there comes a time when I have to be a parent. He stopped being mad at me and we are cool again(thank God) My husband dosent know I got involved. Did I do the right thing? I felt that I had to step in my son was home from school today because he said he felt sick but i know he was sick because of this...

We had a 13yo girl commit suicide a few years ago (that led to a drastic change in online harassment laws) because of similiar behavior. The really sad thing was that it was adults doing it and not kids.

Remember that things like facebook are privileges not rights and thus need to be monitored. Would you ask if what you did was right if you heard this child saying these things to your son's face out in the yard? Would question your response if this kid sent these as letters to your home?

 

[woodkins]

In the newspaper today (NY Newsday) an award winning high school senior scholar athlete committed suicide on Sunday, apparently she was being harassed in school and on her facebook page. Even more disturbing is that even after her suicide was made public these disgusting bullies continued to post messages on her facebook page about her and saying that she was right to kill herself.

It is important as a parent to be aware of everything that we can, we may not be able to hear what goes on at school, but if you can see it online then you need to watch it and take action when necessary.

 

[wdwmom0f3]

I can see why you would want to step in, and I may have also said a few things, but I think the best thing to do would be to report this to facebook because this is not allowed, report it to the school too so that they are aware of the problem & have your son delete them as a friend.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

Why doesn't he just unfriend these two kids?

 

[anabelle]

Why doesn't he just unfriend these two kids?

Sometimes these conversations escalate quickly on FB. You kind of have to be on top of it. By the time they realize that it has turned bad, the damage is done. You can unfriend someone, but you still have to deal with the aftermath at school.

I monitor my kids' posts and have had to butt in on a few conversations to pull it back under control. My kids have never been upset because of it. Going on FB is a privilege for them not a right.