OT - moms with 4th, 5th and older grade girls

[pantherlj]

DD has never been one to share experiences with me. "what happened at school? .... nothing" is very common.

I finally broke through (after 3 years, really, it took that long) and now have no idea what to do!!!

She is 9 1/2 and in 4th grade. I figured out she has a crush on a boy in her class (like pulling teeth but finally got there). So, I explained to her how she needs to talk to me because I have "been there done that" type conversation.

She didn't say much but listened. I told her I had a crush on a boy in 5th grade so I understand the feelings. I also told her it isn't OK for her to have a boyfriend for a long time.

I want to emphaisis school work and friendship over boys.

She wrote to me her in "mommy and me journal" I started (I highly recommend for other moms who have a hard time with quite kids!).

She wrote that a boy come up to her and said "X wants to know if you like him" (X is the boy she has a crush on). She said "No" right away but feels bad about it because she really does like him and thinks that he likes her.

OMG, This is so grade school LOL but she wants me to tell her what to say/do and I just don't know! I don't want to encourage a "romance" in 4th grade but I don't want her or the little boy to feel bad ....

I hated middle school, I don't look forward to going through it again LOL. I have to say that I am SO glad my child is talking to me and I really have to do the right thing here to keep it going during these up and coming tough years.

help!

 

[Leajess99]

DD has never been one to share experiences with me. "what happened at school? .... nothing" is very common.

I finally broke through (after 3 years, really, it took that long) and now have no idea what to do!!!

She is 9 1/2 and in 4th grade. I figured out she has a crush on a boy in her class (like pulling teeth but finally got there). So, I explained to her how she needs to talk to me because I have "been there done that" type conversation.

She didn't say much but listened. I told her I had a crush on a boy in 5th grade so I understand the feelings. I also told her it isn't OK for her to have a boyfriend for a long time.

I want to emphaisis school work and friendship over boys.

She wrote to me her in "mommy and me journal" I started (I highly recommend for other moms who have a hard time with quite kids!).

She wrote that a boy come up to her and said "X wants to know if you like him" (X is the boy she has a crush on). She said "No" right away but feels bad about it because she really does like him and thinks that he likes her.

OMG, This is so grade school LOL but she wants me to tell her what to say/do and I just don't know! I don't want to encourage a "romance" in 4th grade but I don't want her or the little boy to feel bad ....

I hated middle school, I don't look forward to going through it again LOL. I have to say that I am SO glad my child is talking to me and I really have to do the right thing here to keep it going during these up and coming tough years.

help!

I'm sorry but I am of no help. My 10 year old dd (5th grader) is not into boys and she gets bothered by some of the girls in her class who are already talking about boyfriends and the three letter s word. Very scary that they are starting so young with that.

I would recommend just telling her that she can tell them she likes them as friends and not anything more. I hope you can get some very helpful advice on this.

 

[powellrj]

At this age, you really don't have to worry about encouraging her not to have boyfriends or relationships. Most don't last over the week and they are on to someone new by the next week.

Basically, what a boyfriend is at this age, is someone to talk about to your girlfriends. We have been through lots of boyfriends and my DD is only in the 7th grade!

Sometimes, the braver ones will call a few times but the phone calls last less than 5 minutes and are mostly dead air.

The only time I have ever put my foot down was last year when a boys mom was trying to make a relationship. She was inviting my DD to family outing and she wanted my DD and her DS to be in the same classes and have a locker next to each other. She went as far as enrolling him in the choir where he was the only boy. DD really got overwhelmed and I stepped in and said NO. They will be no family outing, no locker buddie and the choir thing was the only thing I couldn't change. The poor kid was the only boy in the choir last year. My heart really bleed for him. That romance lasted 10 days.

This year she is in 7th grade and "dating" or "going out" is what is in. This consists of the kids going to dances and sports at school and standing with your girlfriends talking about the group of boys standing on the other side of the gym.

Encourage her to talk to you, but try not to make judgements or she will be less apt to share. I know who the "hottie boys" are, the wild girls, the boys we avoid and the girls we avoid just because I became a really good listener. Offer advise when asked, but try not to judge. When they tell you something you don't agree with, ask what they would do or what do they think and you will be surprised that they are usually right on the money and DO know what is right.

I am almost 50 and I remember girls were like this when I was in grade school, so while they may be a little more sophisticated than we were, they are still kids who like to talk about boys with their friends.

 

[Annabelleasb]

Sometimes, the braver ones will call a few times but the phone calls last less than 5 minutes and are mostly dead air.

SO, so true!!

As a mother of 3 (DS12, DD8, DD2) I know you want to be really involved in their lives. Not only so you know whats going on, but because you want them to trust you and come to you with "anything." I am always asking my daughter "how was school," "what did you do today" etc. I hear the "he said, she said" constantly! I think it's very normal to have a crush on a boy at this age, but don't feel that it's worth a "talk." I can't imagine having the talk with her now about her latest love, "Tony" and then having the same one 2 months from now about her newest crush. (side note: boys are so much easier)

 

[mjkacmom]

Dd12 had crushes at this age, ds10 likes a girl - I think it's cute! However, I also know that the kids who are "going out" don't actually go out - they really don't even talk to each other! I had dd12 explain it all to me, and it's so funny! Don't worry about it, mom, enjoy this innocent time. Now that dd is in middle school, I figure it's time to start to worry!

 

[bkaz]

I have to say I'm right there with you! DD11 is in 5th grade and her particular class is really into the boy/girl thing...in fact a lot of the boys are pushing it more than the girls which surprises me. They have been "crushing" on each other since at least 3rd grade and a lot of the conversation at recess, etc. seems to revolve around it. Fortunately my daughter is one to tell me everything...in fact sometimes more than I want to know...so I feel like we have good communication going. She knows that I am fairly strict about those types of things, and she pretty much knows before she asks if I will say yes or no. I am trying to allow her more freedom, but at the same time I put my foot down when I think it is silly. "Go play soccer with the neighborhood boys"...sure..."Go get an ice cream after school with one other girl and two boys"...ah NO, that will be perceived as a double date and the whole class will be talking (and so it went when two of her friends did just that). I just keep telling her to focus on her girlfriends...to have fun and certainly I understand crushes, but that this is no where near time to start worrying about boyfriends. Finally the other day SHE even told me she is getting tired of all of this stuff and that it's a bit silly!

 

[Vijoge]

DGD1, fith grader, has a crush on a boy in her class. He calls her about once a week and they talk for about three minutes. DGD2, third grader, thinks it's disgusting and told her sister "I only like girls!"

 

[JESW]

My dd is 10 and in the 4th grade. She will talk to me about different things and does say that some of her friends have crushes on boys. I know that she *likes* some of the boys but mainly to hang out with. I do NOT encourage relationships at that age. I tell her that she has the rest of her life for boyfriends and all that but she only has a small part of her life to be a child and she should enjoy it. I know things will happen when they will, but it is not something I will be pushing for - and believe it or not - I do know some Moms who think it's "cute" for their kids to have boyfriends or girlfriends at that age but I am not one of them.

Jill

 

[Louisianafive]

My DD9 is not interested in boys yet. But I like the "mommy and me " journal idea. That will really help!!

I also work with the 4th graders at DD's school and there are already a few "couples"..........I am relieved that my DD is part of a "couple". I do not want her "dating" for quite a while yet!!

 

[maciec]

Not to highjack this thread, but could you please tell me more about the Mommy and Me journal? When did you start it?

 

[Stacerita]

Not to highjack this thread, but could you please tell me more about the Mommy and Me journal? When did you start it?

Yeah, I would love to hear more about this.

DD has always just given me the "it was ok/fine/alright" answer when asked about school. I learned to ask more specific questions. Who did you eat lunch with today? What did you learn new today? What did you do at break? Did you talk to so and so today? I found asking specific questions gave way to more detailed answers.

 

[leagirl12]

I like the journal idea! One of the things we do at dinner in order to avoid the "fine" and "okay" answers, is ask the kids their high/low for the day. They each have to tell us the high and the low of their day and doing that really helps to get a conversation started.

I "borrowed" the idea from the Bruce Willis/Michelle Pfeifer move The Story of Us.

As far as the boy thing....my dd is in 4th grade and had her version of a boyfriend since last year....it's been the same boy. If she starts talking about him I don't really shut her down but I don't encourage it either. I think if I tell her she is not allowed to have a boyfriend or talk about it then she will just keep things from me and I really don't want that.

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

The story of US is one of my favorite movies, we have been doing HI/LOW every night ever since. Tonights high for all of us was that our shy DD14 went to the movies with friends today. (Even her sisters were excited for her!) I think that was one of the best things I ever learned for a movie. It has done wonders for our family dinners.

My DD14 is not into boys, she far too shy.

My DD9 is a different story. She came home the first day of first grade and told me she met the boy she was going to marry. 3.5 years later he is still her one true love . What does that mean? Pretty much that he comes over and plays Wii (with our family, not alone.) She thinks he's cute, but really it's more that he will play things her girl friends think are stupid like Guitar Hero. I admit, she talks about him daily, talks about when they get married (she's planning a Disney wedding ), but really it's just a good friendship with a boy. No holding hands, no kissing none of that, she'd agree they are too young. But it is kind of sweet to see, maybe I am an awful mom but I think the "puppy love" is kind of sweet.

My DD7 thinks every boy is cute and tells me all about it.

I know before long we are going to have our hands full.....

 

[pantherlj]

OP here. Thanks for all the responses. I have to admit I am one of the moms that thinks "puppy love" is cute too. Crushes are normal. However, I don't want my daughter to know that I think it is cute I do worry about her shutting down on me but I have to balance that with making sure she understands she is too young for a "boyfriend".

She asked me again last night what she should do about telling the boy's friend that she didn't like him. I told her if it was bothering her that perhaps she could tell the boy that she does think he is nice and leave it at that.

About the Mommy and Me journal ... it's just a plain spiral notebook in her favorite color and I wrote Mommy and Me Journal on it. I talked with her one night about how I understand it's hard to sometimes talk about feelings or concerns but writing about them is much easier. I explained that I remembered how hard it was to talk to my mom sometimes at her age (she eats it up when I tell her about me at her age with the exact same problems).

I did a first sample entry. I took the notebook to my room and wrote about something that happened at work (how this one girl told a lie about this other girl and how upset it made her - amazing how the drama at work is just like grade school ). I left it in her room. A few nights later, she wrote to me in the journal. I responded in the journal. We did a back and forth about the situation a few times. We don't use it much but she did use it for this situation which thrills me that she would come to me for help/advice. And, I have noticed that she talks to me more.

So, for you mom's with the "how was school?" "fine" type kids, there is hope

I love the high/lo for the day idea, we will give it a try!

 

[bkaz]

DD11 and I also have a notebook that we occasionally pass back and forth, and we use it more for communicating when we don't agree on something. For instance, DD started hanging around a girl that I do not think is a good influence. She kept saying it was not a big deal and she just hangs out with her at recess, etc...but I felt she was ignoring her long time friends who are a healthier influence. I wrote to her in the journal about my concerns...she wrote back defending her position...and then I responded trying to explain how people often judge you by who you hang around (even if you don't talk like them or dress like them), and that she just needed to consider how this might impact her other friendships. We have found it very helpful to communicate like this about serious issues, because it is very easy for both of us to become defensive.

The writing has worked so well that the last time DS7 got in trouble (and I sent myself to my room for a cooling off period) DD helped DS write a note to me apologizing and then she delivered it for him...knowing that this is a good way to communicate those things that you have a hard time saying!

 

[Minnie M6]

DD 8 and I also have a journal, and one thing I wanted to add as a suggestion is that I ask her questions in the journal which will give me insight into her thoughts and feelings that I may not get in normal daily conversation. I think I originally got the idea from the Disney Dream Team emails I get. Some examples would be:

What is something you would like to try but have been afraid to try?

Name 2 things you would like to do together as a family.

What are the 5 best things about you?

What makes a good friend?

What are the best gifts you've ever received, and why?

You can google questions for kids and get lots of other ideas. I love the journal! I also do it with DS 9.