OT - Momma Drama

[smylie1]

I know this is terribly off topic but could someone please give me advice on how to handle this.

My mother lives about 4 hours away. We have not been close in several years, by HER choice. It's a really long story that I won't bore you with, but to sum it up, she let my sister and me know what a burden (to this day, I can't figure out why, we were good kids, never got into trouble, and I married and moved out at 19 ) we had been to her and chose to leave my dad and have a string of "boyfriends" a mile long.

Fast Forward about 15 years...she is having financial problems and her husband of the past few years is not healthy. We talk appoximately once every 2 -3 months. Always friendly and avoiding the 'elephant' in the room. Out of the blue, she calls my sister and says she wants to move in with her...don't know if she's planning to leave her husband or what, but my sister still lives at home with my dad!! She tells Mom that they really don't have room since a friend is living there with my sister and they have reconfigured the house. She's not lieing, there really isn't much room.

So Mom calls me. At first complaining about my sister, then it became clear that she is wanting to move in here! We live in a 3 bedroom, split foyer, not tiny, but definitly not room to spare with DH, myself, and 2 teenage boys. I tell her that I have a sofa, she gave a weak laugh and says in a dejected tone, "I understand".

Ok, yes she is my mother. I do love her eventhough it has not been easy these past years. I hate for her to be unhappy, but knowing the kind of stress she would bring to our very calm, smoothly-running household, I don't know if my sanity, let alone my marrige would survive. DH definitly would not want her living here! She would not be a productive member of the family. She would be on the couch, smoking 3 packs a day (which DH CANNOT STAND!) giving disapproving looks at everything I would do or say.

How do I handle this if she brings up again? Knowing her, she will start making suggestions about how we could re-arrange the house to accomodate her. I don't want to hurt her, I do love her, I just know it would be a disaster for everyone concerned. I'll take any advice at all!

 

[MomtoAlexnWilliam]

First, I am so sorry you are being put in this position.

Second, you have to put your husband and your children first. You know this but you are feeling guilty about not being there for your mom. Please do not feel guilty. Even had your mom been the perfect mom, you would be under no obligation to care for your "able bodied" parent. You didn't mention that she was unable to care for herself just that she was having financial problems. Does she work? Can she work? Have some job leads for her if you can. Of course, children should be compassionate to their parents who NEED help. But either way, children should not have their own homes/lives completely disrupted when it can be avoided. There are many ways to help without her moving in with you.

Third, have a response ready for the next time your mom brings the topic up. Short and simple is best. "Mom, this is not a good idea." Period. No explaining. Just repeat yourself as needed. Also, you might look for housing that is based on income and/or for the elderly. Have that info ready for her when she asks again. That way, you are showing care and concern but firmly letting her know that moving in with you is not an option.

Fourth, do not feel guilty! (I felt like I needed to say it again!) Your mom made bad decisions about her responsibility toward you and your sister. She has to know there would be consequences to those actions/inactions. I think it is beyond reasonable for her to expect you two girls to coming rushing to her aid at this time -- especially when she has not given you heartfelt apologies and tried to repair the damage she caused.

Hope this helps!

 

[disykat]

The thing that concerns me most is that you seem to feel guilt over this like it's your responsibility. Don't offer your couch again, she make take you up on it! It may require gently reminding her that she is an adult and needs to take care of herself and deal with the consequences of the choices she made. If she honestly needs help, you can help her look into appropriate programs that will help her with income, housing, employment, etc.

 

[StephMK]

First of all, I'm so sorry your mother treated you that way in the past. It's hard for me to comprehend 1) thinking or saying something like that to my kids 2) thinking she can ask favors at this point.

It would be tempting to turn it around on her and let her know that living together would create such a burden for both of you that it'd be better not to live together. You sound like a kind person despite her previous actions so I hope you can find a different resolution that would help her but not put you out.

 

[The Hendies]

Oh boy! The concept that you have a mom who you love (because she is, after all, your mother) and yet isn't the kind of person you would readily seek out, because she is not really someone you 'like'. I know the feeling! Perhaps find out a little more about her motives. Is her current husband so ill that she can't care for him? Is she just 'done' with him? Is she doing OK herself? This might give you a better idea of her need. Maybe it was a temporary issue that by next month will have blown over. In any case, your gut reaction to say 'No' is probably a good one. I agree that perhaps finding her housing closer to you might be a solution. Lastly, do you have a trusted friend or clergy you can bounce thoughts off? I'd say your sister, but she probably is too close to the situation. My very last thought is, don't let her dejected, 'poor pitiful me, no one loves me' get to you! (PS: Can you tell I speak from experience?) My heart goes out to you! Good Bless!

 

[cogero]

{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}

so sorry you are dealing with this. You need to do what is right for your kids an dh and having her there sounds like it isn't. Just stand firm that it isn't a good idea but you are willing to help her find somewhere new to live.

I had my MIL live with me and it was hell. I vowed to never have anyone live with me again.

 

[clutter]

When she brings it up again, let her know that it won't work for your family. But that you'd be willing to help her figure out how to live on her own. She sounds like she's still pretty young, maybe in her 50s still? Tell you you'll reconsider in about 20 years, after she's quit smoking.

ps why would smoking bother your dh but not you?

 

[Sgt Mickey]

As somone else who also dosen't talk to her mom becasue of HER choice. I couldn't imagine what life would be like if she decided she wanted to move in with us
I think it would be too overwhelming and I don't think I can get past the point of she wanted nothing to do with us for how many years. It sounds like she would bring alot of tension to your marriage. You shouldn't feel guilty about it she made her choices.

 

[seashoreCM]

>>> ... she is having financial problems and her husband of the past few years is not healthy ...

You do not want to pour your money down her money pit. You do not want your money to indirectly take care of her second (third?) husband. Even though I may sound Democrat, I would help her and her husband fall back on public support first.

So I vote no.

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

My two cents? Tell her no. There's nothing worse than a convenience friend (or relative).

I personally, would remind her of the "burden" I was and tell her that you'd hate to see that happen again because you may end up not on speaking terms at all.

One of my best friends has a mom like that, and the ONLY reason they speak at all is b/c my friend didn't feel it was right for her kids to not know grandma. She only calls when she needs something and then complains that no one ever takes care of her.

IMHO it's a toxic, unhealthy situation. There has to be other ways you can assist her without taking her in, maybe suggest a retirement or assisted living community.

 

[Matt'sMom]

The thing that concerns me most is that you seem to feel guilt over this like it's your responsibility. Don't offer your couch again, she make take you up on it! It may require gently reminding her that she is an adult and needs to take care of herself and deal with the consequences of the choices she made. If she honestly needs help, you can help her look into appropriate programs that will help her with income, housing, employment, etc.

Excellent answer, and I agree 100%!

I'd just add that you need to enforce your personal boundaries & be clear with your mother regarding what you are and are not willing to do to help her through this situation (you are willing to help find information re: reasonable housing options & assistance programs, if she wants that help; you will not be enabling her behaviors by allowing her to move in with your family). Also, do not feel you need to take on any responsibility for the consequences of her past choices and actions. If you do love her, then the best thing you can do for your Mother is to allow her to face up to and work through her issues for herself.

 

[smylie1]

I had no idea I would find such comfort in the responsed I have gotten. It doesn't make me happy to know other people can SO relate to my problem because I don't wish this on anybody, but it does give me comfort to know I'm not alone.

This is her 4th marriage. She has always been able to turn off "care" for anything or anyone whenever things become inconvienent for her. The situation she is in now is totally due to her decisions. Nothing catastrophic happend that was beyond her control to put her where she is. It's not like she 80 years old, she's only 57 but tells me constantly that she's "old now" and not able to visit the family and that we're ashamed of her anyway.


I have spent my whole life practically clawing at her for approval. Begging her to take interest in my sons (who have never received a Christmas gift or so much as a phone call on their birthdays). I can look back at all the things that she has said and done over the years and logically tell myself that I don't owe her anything, but because I was raised to always bow down to her, (and like PP said I do love her because she is my mother) I'm having a terrible time standing my ground and not turning into that 10 year old girl who's scared to death of her.


Thank you all so much for giving me guidance. It's so sad that at 37 years old, I need someone to tell me it's ok to say 'no'.