OT-maybe--people "forgetting" the money you lent them

[crisi]

Honestly, let it go.

When my brother in law had some financial and marriage issues, we "loaned" him around $30k. $10k was for back mortgage payments so his house wouldn't get forclosed on, we also paid for the attorney for the divorce - another approximately $20k.

We got the $10k back when he sold the house, and he started making payments on the attorney, but got in an accident and then couldn't work. So payments were sporadic. Plus, his priorities have ALWAYS been screwed up - he went to Mexico with his new girlfriend. That was the last straw for me, but since this is my husband's only brother, it had to be "I had to get over it." So I had my husband call and forgive the debt.

I didn't get pissed about it again until my brother in law mentioned that he had paid it all back. Then I blew my stack. But to not be the bad guy, I stuck my husband in there again to explain, no - we forgave the debt.

 

[NMW]

It's actually VERY common to be expected to foot the bill for tuxes and bridesmaids dresses if you are in a wedding. In fact, it's pretty rare that the bride and groom pay for that. That was very nice of you to do that for your wedding, but you can't expect others to do it just because you did. It's also normal to get the tuxes all at one store so that they all match. To get measured, you just go to your local tux rental store and they will measure you for free. Then call your measurments in to the store they are using. It's pretty easy.

I was just going to write something along this line. I can't believe that you paid for all the dresses and tuxes for your wedding. DH and I have been in many weddings and NEVER has this happened to us! I've frankly never even heard of this! You must be very generous. I have been in weddings where I had to buy a certain shade of OPI nailpolish, MAC lipstick, shoes that were $200, and I did it all without complaining, because I know they would have done the same for me.

For my own brothers wedding 3 years ago my dress was $250, DD's flower girl dress $200, DH tux $80. Then there were the shoes, purses, DD's headpiece, hotel for 2 nights, alterations on the dresses, etc.

This was not abnormal to us since we have paid for these items in every single wedding we have ever been in.

AS for the money, I would just try to put it behind you. You are unlikely to get it back. Just as most people that lend money to siblings are. I wouldn't lend money unless I was prepared to not get it back.

As for the favortism, I really don't think there is anything you can do about it. I understand that it's hurtful and over the years I have had many friends complain about the same issue. Unfortunately, there is just not much you can do about it.

 

[tlbwriter]

Well, they've made it clear you're not going to get this money back from them, so if you can't emotionally let it go, give it to them as a gift ("we're going to consider the $XXX you owe us as our gift to you"). And since the one-sidedness bothers you, I'd stop giving gifts altogether ("sorry, we thought you were no longer interested in exchanging gifts and we were respecting your wishes") or just give token gifts.

 

[eliza61]

As others have said lending money is more emotional than financial. As a general rule I hate lending money probably because I've got a lot of moochers in my family.

1) unfortunately I do get pissed if some one owes me money and then I see them eating out every night. So since I can control their actions I can control how the spend my money.

2) I do expect people to repay their debts. I constantly amazed how some folks feel this is not a responsibility.

3) I'm stuck with the family I've been dealt with so in order to not let money cause bad blood, I try hard not to let the two come in between.

 

[MissUndastood]

I too would try and forget it. Family members sometimes feel entitled. Just learn from this and move on. Also as far as the tux rental, I agree that we have always paid our own way on that. I have more ugly bridesmaid dresses than I care to admit, and DH could have bought a designer tux with all the rental fees. That's just part of being involved in peoples' lives.

 

[Ericandjenng]

Thanks!!! You guys!! I really needed to vent more than anything and it's nice to know you all are out there and are willing to listen (ok, read). It's amazing that complete strangers are often more understanding than family.

 

[usnuzuloose]

I see it as I give because I want to do it from my heart and dont expect it in return. I wanted my children to know it is better to give than to recieve. I would just let it go and give it as a gift. Holding on to bitterness is only damaging to ourselves. I would not be lending money in the future if you are wanting it back.

 

[cm8]

]I don't agree with most of the posts here. Yes you lent what was a minimal amount of money to a family member, but why shouldn't they have to pay it back? We need to expect more from them so they will expect more of themselves. You can't just go around asking for money from people and think you don't need to repay them. That's just terrible!! [/B] Now if you know he is still struggling and be tries to repay you, you could always say don't worry about it. But they should at least offer it back.

As far as the grandkid favoritism, I have had my share of this also, but more so with a certain childless aunt ,(husband's sister) when my kids were little. She would often show me things she bought certain nieces and nephews for no reason while my kids were there. Duh??? She never bought my kids anything for no reason. It was so insensitive and there was no way I could really explain it to them. She would also buy one of her nephews tons and tons of stuff for this birthdays as my kids watched him open them at the party, knowing that she didn't buy them nearly that for their birthday just a month or so before. I feel it hurt them and their self-esteem and they wondered why they weren't treated equally. Needless to say, my kids feel much more connected to my side of the family in their adult years now. Just try to shelter them from the gift snubbing and don't call attention it, and don't get their child any gifts so it's all even.

I really agree. My sister did the same to me and then had the nerve to tell others that she had NO intentions of paying it back. Lesson learned big time and it never happened again either. I have forgave her for that but I have never given her the opportunity to get over on me again

 

[java]

I think I understand your hurt. To me it sounds like you are bothered more by the lack of acknowledgement of your children. I was a bit hurt when my sister told me about buying gifts for her boyfriends niece. I have 4 kids that you just celebrated with and they got nothing." Oh it's just how she is" is getting old.

But I still love her and still buy her gifts because I want to. I'm sorry you are being disappointed by your brother.

And yes we quickly learned you don't lend money you give it. We've never been repaid family loans. I only hope that if we needed it they would help us, and I know they would.

 

[tinkarooni]

Yeah, families stink.... well, a lot of the time they stink.

There is a ridiculous amount of favoritism in both my family and DH's family. It seems the squeeky, needy wheel always gets the grease. You can't control what other people do....trust me I have spent my entire 39 years trying to do so.

I also used to say I was upset my kids would notice but when I analyzed myself I realized I could pretty much keep my kids from finding out and it was just me that was upset. I was upset that my kids were being slighted. Once I admitted it to myself and told myself it was OK to be bothered by it I was able to move on, there's nothing I can do about it, some people will just always behave poorly, I can only control how I react to it.

So here's my story, my MIL bought my nephew a new computer and my kids.....wait for it.....a $25.00 Best Buy gift card. my DS is 12, and of course he noticed......he is now also learning you can't control other people. Very proud of him, he said thank you and moved on. He asked me about it later and I told him I agreed that it didn't seem right, but we don't know the circumstances and we can't tell somebody what to do with their money. Personally between me and all of you, I thought it was low......especially to do it in front of the others. Shameful.

My advice would be to forget about the money....but remember fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me and all that.

Good Luck.

 

[Ericandjenng]

Yeah, families stink.... well, a lot of the time they stink.

There is a ridiculous amount of favoritism in both my family and DH's family. It seems the squeeky, needy wheel always gets the grease. You can't control what other people do....trust me I have spent my entire 39 years trying to do so.

I also used to say I was upset my kids would notice but when I analyzed myself I realized I could pretty much keep my kids from finding out and it was just me that was upset. I was upset that my kids were being slighted. Once I admitted it to myself and told myself it was OK to be bothered by it I was able to move on, there's nothing I can do about it, some people will just always behave poorly, I can only control how I react to it.

So here's my story, my MIL bought my nephew a new computer and my kids.....wait for it.....a $25.00 Best Buy gift card. my DS is 12, and of course he noticed......he is now also learning you can't control other people. Very proud of him, he said thank you and moved on. He asked me about it later and I told him I agreed that it didn't seem right, but we don't know the circumstances and we can't tell somebody what to do with their money. Personally between me and all of you, I thought it was low......especially to do it in front of the others. Shameful.

My advice would be to forget about the money....but remember fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me and all that.

Good Luck.

We have run into quite a few similar situations with various members of my family (DH's family mostly just ignores our existence) and I think that's why when my DB went down that same road, it bothered me so much. We had thought he was the one we could have counted on and now feel really let down by it.

Our DS is 6 (7 next week) and he already notices the differences although we try and keep as much of it from him as possible and try and give him the simplest answers when he asks so that he will not dwell on it. Unfortunately he's a very perceptive kid--well, actually fortunate except in this situation.

Oh, won't fool me twice.

 

[shortbun]

And Shakespeare got it from Proverbs. So, this is truly not a new concept! From the beginning of man, lending and borrowing was an issue.

Proverbs 22:7 (Revised) Just as the rich rule the poor, so the borrower is servant to the lender.

Many financial gurus agree that you should NEVER lend money you don't plan on losing and (and I know this wasn't part of what you said, but it is worth saying), you should NEVER co-sign on a loan you don't intend to pay in full! I have a dear friend whose mother is a sap for co-signing for her kids and grandkids and they all stopped paying at one time or another leaving her with the bills. If the person can't get his/her own loan, they CANNOT PAY!

Dawn

Had I thought about it, I would have remembered Proverbs. See...OP, when money controls you-as it seems to do with almost everyone... you need to think long and hard before you 'loan' anyone money. Seriously, if it were me, I'd let it go. You risk causing a permanent family rift over cash. People are more important than money. I'll say it again-people are more important than money.