OT: kids and name calling

[DisneyGal24]

I need some advice from my fellow DISers. How do you handle another kid calling your kid names? DD7 told me today that sometimes her cousin calls her names. Obviously I can just keep her away from him but we see each other quite often so that would be hard. Talking to BIL and SIL won't work either as they have actually said, "he is perfect." I kind of want her to learn how to handle this type of thing. I told her not to let people talk to her like that but she gets her feelings hurt and wont say anything. Any thoughts?

ETA: meant to post on families board, feel free to move it! Sorry!

 

[StuckInKS]

We had this situation with my son and my cousin's daughter last weekend. My son was the one being a meanie and I said something to him afterward and would not have minded if my cousin said something to him at the time it happened, but instead she explained to her daughter that she needs to tell my son how she feels when he is mean and how it hurts her feelings. If you do not feel comfortable telling BIL/SIL or saying something directly to the child, maybe you could have your child try that. But, if you feel comfortable, I would talk to the parents as well. Maybe they think he is perfect because they have never witnessed this type of behavior and no one else has brought it to their attention.

 

[DisneyGal24]

We had this situation with my son and my cousin's daughter last weekend. My son was the one being a meanie and I said something to him afterward and would not have minded if my cousin said something to him at the time it happened, but instead she explained to her daughter that she needs to tell my son how she feels when he is mean and how it hurts her feelings. If you do not feel comfortable telling BIL/SIL or saying something directly to the child, maybe you could have your child try that. But, if you feel comfortable, I would talk to the parents as well. Maybe they think he is perfect because they have never witnessed this type of behavior and no one else has brought it to their attention.

Thank you so much! I will talk to DD and tell her to do this. We will be seeing them again in a few days. As for the cousin, he is super sneaky and his parents have no clue!

 

[chris31997]

If you overhear him you could call him out. Another option, would be to have your DD tell him that she does not want to play with him anymore cause he is mean when he call her names. She can come tell you that, you can tell the parents. What they do is up to them

 

[MomToOne]

Personally, I have tried to teach my daughter that she needs to stand up for herself, and tell the person that they are being mean and hurting her feelings, but if that does not immediately stop the behavior she needs to go to an adult for help (parent, teacher, etc.) Children do not have the mental/emotional maturity or the necessary authority (i.e. have real consequences they can dole out) to deal effectively with bullies - they need adults to step in for them. As I tell my daughter, dealing with bullies or bullying behavior is part of an adult's job, not a child's.

 

[DisneyGal24]

If you overhear him you could call him out. Another option, would be to have your DD tell him that she does not want to play with him anymore cause he is mean when he call her names. She can come tell you that, you can tell the parents. What they do is up to them

Good suggestion. DH has done this and he stops while DH is around.

 

[irishsharon]

Personally, I have tried to teach my daughter that she needs to stand up for herself, and tell the person that they are being mean and hurting her feelings, but if that does not immediately stop the behavior she needs to go to an adult for help (parent, teacher, etc.) Children do not have the mental/emotional maturity or the necessary authority (i.e. have real consequences they can dole out) to deal effectively with bullies - they need adults to step in for them. As I tell my daughter, dealing with bullies or bullying behavior is part of an adult's job, not a child's.

Well said

 

[Luv Bunnies]

Most bullies are mean because it makes them feel powerful. They are insecure and full of self-doubt and they want others to feel the same way. If they make their victim cry or yell or get upset, they know they've accomplished their goal. I think the best thing to do to a verbal bully is to give them no feedback whatsoever; no attention at all. The minute the mean names start, everyone calmly walks away and shuns the bully. It takes the power away from them if there's no one around to bully. It's very hard for kids to learn to do this, so they might need an adult to help. I would stay nearby when the kids are playing. The minute the bully says something mean, calmly remove your child from the situation. Don't give the bully any attention. He/she will soon get the idea that saying mean things will result in no friends or playmates. If the parents ask why the kids aren't playing together, calmly explain it to them. Maybe then they'll get the picture.

 

[DisneyGal24]

Personally, I have tried to teach my daughter that she needs to stand up for herself, and tell the person that they are being mean and hurting her feelings, but if that does not immediately stop the behavior she needs to go to an adult for help (parent, teacher, etc.) Children do not have the mental/emotional maturity or the necessary authority (i.e. have real consequences they can dole out) to deal effectively with bullies - they need adults to step in for them. As I tell my daughter, dealing with bullies or bullying behavior is part of an adult's job, not a child's.

As a teacher I see three types of behavior in this area: 1) the bully, 2) the kid who will stand up for themselves, 3) the kid who can't cope for various reasons. I don't want mine to be #3. I want her to learn some ways to try to deal with it and then if it doesn't stop it is time for an adult to step in. Since its family (i know i can step in and take care of it but BIL and SIL may not speak to me for a while)I thought this was the chance for a teachable moment. I won't be with her if it happens at school.

 

[dreamin_disney]

I would tell my daughter to tell kids " ohhhhh I'm telling my mom on you!"
that would scare the heck out of the kids and it usually stopped the problem-lol! Some kids get scared when you say your gonna tell on them

 

[kymom99]

If your daughter doesn't have any luck, I would step in and say something to the child. Most kids will continue to do whatever it is they are doing as long as no one calls them out on it.

I have 2 step grandsons. They live 100 miles away so we do not see them a lot, but they are better behaved for us than they are for their parents. When they are here with just us they are usually fine with a few reminders. When their parents are here, they act like maniacs. It is very uncomfortable. It is my feeling that the issues are between us and the children. So last time they stayed with us, I talked to them about it. (They are 6 and 4.) I told them that the rules in our house do not change when their mom and dad are here. The rules we make are to protect them and to keep our things from being damaged. I told them that when their parents returned to pick them up, I expected them to behave the same way they do when they are gone. It worked like a charm.

I am willing to bet your nephew will respond better to you addressing this than he would to his parents. Just be positive and explain how he is making your daughter feel by his name-calling.