OT: In Laws Rant-I'll try not to make it too...

[Mkrop]

I think some grandparents are better at being parents than being grandparents.

Unfortunately I think your ILs have every right to set what ever parameters they feel they are comfortable with when it comes to babysitting or not. I know you are disappointed, I have been there too.

Now for me, DMom is WONDERFUL about watching my kids yet she has her parameters as well. She only learned to drive when she was 46 when my DDad died so she is a very cautious driver. So she will watch my kids even overnight IF she doesnt have to drive them anywhere, drive to my house or home in the dark, or drive in bad weather.

In fact she just called me 10 minutes ago to say she wont babysit DS5 so I can go do library duty at DS10's school like I do every Tues, bc they are threatening snow after noon (I get done by 10:45 ) but hey I knew this going into the deal so I live within her comfort zone.

Now my ILs live 2 hours away, they use to watch DS10 all the time fo the weekend. DS5 is a much more clingy child, and for three years had trouble sleeping (was actually on a waiting list for a sleep clinic) so they havent done any overnights but on occasion they will watch so we can go to an event (wedding etc) Although this has gotten more diffcult bc now MIL works one weekend a month, on call. So she has now become very particualr about giving up her other weeknds or even asking others to switch (although they ask her all the time and she switches willingly ) but now I know it isnt a slam dunk to just ask for even one night from them. Heck she mumbled and grumbled about taking the day off to go to GP day at DS10's school on a Monday. Yet she has plenty of vacation time to go on her trips and also in the same breath moans and groans about not seeing the kids enough

So in 5 years we have had one overnight, DMom watched my kids so we could go to a wedding in MD. That was just in Sept. Now we have tried to schedule toher but it NEVER fails someone gets sick, either my mom or one of the kids.

Someday we will get away

 

[KirstenB]

I can't think of that many men who would go out of their way to watch a 7 mth old. It's intimidating to be responsible for someone so little, especially if it's been many years since your own children were young. Your FIL could have phrased it much more tactfully, but I'm not surprised he doesn't want the responsibility.

You may have better luck when the children get older. My in laws waited until our older dd was 5, then they asked her over for a sleepover. They haven't even mentioned our 2 yr old, so I'm sure it will be the same deal. You've been given some really good suggestions about visiting your family, etc. Maybe you can get some free time that way.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I guess I am the odd person out here. While I think it is very nice if the grandparents offer to watch the kids I don't think it is selfish if they don't want to. They are your kids. It doesn't make them bad grandparents. Personally I think you are a little selfish just expecting them to do it. You can still remember why you fell in love without going on a vacation. Taking care of children can be alot for some people. 50 is young but thay doesn't mean they want the responsibilty of 4 days. Plan a night out of dinner and dancing if they will watch them for a few hours. I guess I will get flamed but I fail to see how them not wanting to babysit while you vacation is selfish. JMHO.

 

[Mkrop]

I guess I am the odd person out here. While I think it is very nice if the grandparents offer to watch the kids I don't think it is selfish if they don't want to. They are your kids. It doesn't make them bad grandparents. Personally I think you are a little selfish just expecting them to do it. You can still remember why you fell in love without going on a vacation. Taking care of children can be alot for some people. 50 is young but thay doesn't mean they want the responsibilty of 4 days. Plan a night out of dinner and dancing if they will watch them for a few hours. I guess I will get flamed but I fail to see how them not wanting to babysit while you vacation is selfish. JMHO.

why are you the odd one out. I thought your train of thought was in line with most of the other posts. It is great when they do it but it can be disappointing when they wont or cant for whatever reason. I know if I want free babysitting I have to accept whatever that person is willing to give me. Doesnt mean it isnt a bummer though.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Sorry, I only read a few posts. Most of them agreed with the OP. My bad.

 

[eeyorethegreat]

It sounds like you have gotten some good advice as far as getting some time alone with your DH. As far as the inlaws I don't necessarily see FIL comment as being so much selfish as honest. Did your DH as him why he would "have to say no"? . They may only be 50 but you take care of your kids on a day to day basis and I am sure it is exhausting. I have 4 of my own and I know I fall into bed at the end of the day sometimes. Maybe he is honestly not up to the demands that taking care of two kids for an extended period of time and with kids as young as yours 4 days is an extended period. Think of it this way though you are not happy with FIL answer, it is better that your kids be cared for while you are way by someone who is happy and comfortable doing it rather than to send your kids to be cared for by someone who will do it grudgingly, and/or uncomfortable with it. And remember just because they don't want to do over nights it doesn;t mean that they don't love your kids. This may be about comfort level. Try not to be hurt over this. And from some one with 4 kids married 15 years and only two trips away without kids (both trips combined 4 days total) there are other ways to get back that loving feeling without having an over night without kids. I understand the desire to get away the two of you alone but if it turns out not to be possible think of some other romantic ideas close to home. Perhaps Inlaws would watch the kids for the day while you and DH reconnect, that could be lovely too.

 

[RyJMom]

My Mom and Dad are kinda like this. As we were growing up we were never even left w/a babysitter so they could have a night out much less left for a few days. When I had kids I assumed my parents would love to keep the kids for a few days - wrong. They did once or twice but I kinda got the feeling they felt kids should not be left so parents could get away. We don't ask them anymore to keep overnight. I'm not at all upset about it - its just how they are. They are loving Grandparents and I'm grateful for that. My In Laws on the other hand love to have the kids come stay for a few days. In fact they thank us. Hubby and I try to get away once or twice a year for a few days. My Mother In Law can be a real pill sometimes but she is great to the kids. Helps me forgive a little when she acting up. I think every family is so different and not everyone thinks the same. I hope you can work it out to get away for a few days. Hubby and I really look forward to our alone time.

 

[Subrbnmommy]

Look on the bright side, at least you know where they stand. My In-Laws are always offering to babysit DD4 and everytime we say yes (very rarely) they keep calling and asking when we're coming to pick her up. Kinda makes me think that babysitting is to much for them. Some people just can't babysit. At least you FIL was honest enough to tell you.

 

[Mkrop]

Perhaps Inlaws would watch the kids for the day while you and DH reconnect, that could be lovely too.

If you are creative a lot of reconnecting can happen in 8-10 hours

 

[budbeerlady]

If possible I would take the kids over to your parents, could you go for a long weekend? Drop the kids off, visit and stay with your parents a day or 2 later? Then you see your family, you get to reconnect and your parents see thier grandkids?

 

[DevilDuckie]

I guess I am the odd person out here. While I think it is very nice if the grandparents offer to watch the kids I don't think it is selfish if they don't want to. They are your kids. It doesn't make them bad grandparents. Personally I think you are a little selfish just expecting them to do it. You can still remember why you fell in love without going on a vacation. Taking care of children can be alot for some people. 50 is young but thay doesn't mean they want the responsibilty of 4 days. Plan a night out of dinner and dancing if they will watch them for a few hours. I guess I will get flamed but I fail to see how them not wanting to babysit while you vacation is selfish. JMHO.

IAWTC. As much as we adore our own children we need to remember that not everyone feels "lucky" to have us assume they will want to babysit for several days. Having been a single mom I remember desperately wanting some grownup time but DS was my kid, nobody else's and it wasn't selfish of other people to not want to watch my kid. The only reason anyone ever needs to give for not babysitting is, "I don't want to."

 

[frndshpcptn]

I've seen this happen in my family.

It's one thing to watch kids (especially kids that young) for a couple hours. It's a completely different story if its for several days.

The FIL may have very vaild reason why it's not in the best interests of him, his wife, AND the kids for the ILs to take responsibility for such an extended period of time.

 

[lunalibre]

Okay, I'll throw in my $0.02 worth...

I would never have asked either set of grandparents to watch an infant of mine. However, that's just because my family tends to have "difficult" babies (they don't sleep, have colic, constant ear infections, etc.). It was just too much to ask of anyone. Hopefully you have better babies.

Now my kids are older (8 and 11). My folks, who live 4 hours away, flat out won't watch the kids unless it's summer and I need help for work. There is NO WAY they would ever watch the kids if we were going out to do something fun. Bizzare, but that's just the way it is. My mother watched our older one for a weekend when he was 18 months so we could go to a wedding (DH was best man). That's as close as it's come for "fun" for us. We had a tragic death on DH's side of the family and asked if my folks could watch the kids for the funeral (they were 4 and 7), and the answer was NO WAY. Then they had the nerve to gripe that we pulled the kids out of school for a week to go cross-country for the funeral.

My ILs, on the other hand, are WONDERFUL. Okay, it's rotten that they live 14 hours away, but they've been more help than my folks. We went on a trip for our 15th anniversary (first time we'd left the kids overnight since the youngest was born, and she was 6), and we had my ILs come to our house to watch the kids. My folks thought we were crazy to want to take a trip by ourselves. Sigh.

Bottom line, I can certainly understand you wanting to have some time away for your anniversary, but you have to figure out who would be willing to watch your kids and for how long before you even think about planning a trip. Honestly, I've had better luck getting dear friends to offer to take my kids than I've had with family. Go figure.

Good luck!

 

[CandCMommy]

Wow, thanks for all the great advice/support. I guess my biggest problem is that my family/friends would do anything to get to see my kids and it hurts my feelings that his parents are right here and want to be grandparents of convenience. I was raised in a very loving and helpful family where we had a couple of very close families we could depend on for anything, including keeping us when we were young. In fact, when I was talking to my best friend about it, she mentioned that my godmother, her mother, would love fly out and watch them for us. I guess I just feel like I shouldn't have to ask her to do that with DH family right here.

I also forgot to mention that FIL and MIL left DH several times when he was a child (the first time he was 4 months old) so they could go to Disneyland by themselves. Why was it okay for them to leave him but we can't do the same?

We hadn't made any decisions about where or when we would go or even for how many days. DH just brought it up that we would like to take a weekend trip by ourselves and got that comment. By the time we actually got around to it the kids would be almost 4 and 1, no longer an infant.

I guess the bottom line is I was raised differently and wouldn't even think twice about asking this of someone I love, they would WANT to do it.

 

[Mkrop]

Wow, thanks for all the great advice/support. I guess my biggest problem is that my family/friends would do anything to get to see my kids and it hurts my feelings that his parents are right here and want to be grandparents of convenience. I was raised in a very loving and helpful family where we had a couple of very close families we could depend on for anything, including keeping us when we were young. In fact, when I was talking to my best friend about it, she mentioned that my godmother, her mother, would love fly out and watch them for us. I guess I just feel like I shouldn't have to ask her to do that with DH family right here.

I also forgot to mention that FIL and MIL left DH several times when he was a child (the first time he was 4 months old) so they could go to Disneyland by themselves. Why was it okay for them to leave him but we can't do the same?

We hadn't made any decisions about where or when we would go or even for how many days. DH just brought it up that we would like to take a weekend trip by ourselves and got that comment. By the time we actually got around to it the kids would be almost 4 and 1, no longer an infant.

I guess the bottom line is I was raised differently and wouldn't even think twice about asking this of someone I love, they would WANT to do it.

DH told me my ILs went away all the time when he was little but now some times it is like jumping through hoops to ge them to babysit. I ask but I dont count on them to not have scheduling issues, if they can do it bonus but I dont really count on them saying yes KWIM.

 

[Gillian]

My dad probably would have said the same thing! They won't take both of our kids (4 & 7) for more than an evening out. They will take just DS7 and have had him for as much as a week during the summer, because he's very good alone and will do what they want to do (read, take long walks, work on puzzles, go swimming). They won't take DD 4 at all if they can help it (we don't ask).

We are lucky to have a lot of family around so if we want a night out we can split up the kids. It's usually just one night.

Also, when the kids are older, if it's in your budget, a cruise is a really nice vacation where you can get some adult time. Not that that helps now, but you could plan one. Disney has a nursery for the little one.

 

[_queenie_]

Wow, so I'm not alone!

DH and I both grew up in the town we live in, and are both the only ones who haven't moved away (my brothers and sisters are in nearby towns though). I grew up in a family of six (five, one passed a away), so my parents have 12 grandchildren and 3 greatgrandchildren. Because they're always tied up with them all I've always felt guilty asking them to babysit. On the other hand, my DH has 2 brothers, and one lives in NYC and one lives in TN, while we're all in NH. They have quite a bit of money, definately more than my parents, and only have 4 grandchildren, 3 are ours and the other one lives in TN. My FIL is still the same miserable, depressed guy he was when my DS was born, but MIL has gotten better over the years. Today she brought the kids Valentine's Day candy, and even asked the girls to go see a play with her. It didn't always used to be that way, DH and I went to Bermuda alone for our 15th anniversary when my older children were pretty young (rare for us, we always take the kids) and needed someone to babysit. Naturally, DH thought his mother could do it no problem, not true. When he asked she absolutely refused (because of my FIL of course)! We really didn't have many more options, I knew my kids wouldn't feel comfortable with any of our friends, so we ended up paying her $200 a day, we even paid for food! I find it hilarious becuase every summer my niece comes up from TN to stay with her for a month, she even pays for her flight. I guess that's what you get when your DH is the oldest in the family!

 

[hoosiergirl7]

My parents would do anything for our DS 4 as he's the only grandchild on my side of the family and even if he wasn't they'd adore all their grandkids. My mom has been there for me so many times. DH had to go to Europe on business for 10 days and I just didn't want to take care of DS by myself because I have a history of some heart issues. She dropped everything to come help me for 10 days. My dad too will do anything for us and when DH retires from the military in 3 yrs we are moving to be near my parents because they really are there for us all the time.

I do love my IL's but I have a lot of issues with them. They have 3 other grandkids, all girls, all sisters that they would bend over backwards for. DS, not so much. We could never ask them to help us with DS or watch him so that we could take a trip because we know they wouldn't take vacation days for that. They definitely play favorites with their grandkids and this bugs me to no end but there's nothing I can do about it. I know I can count on my family and that's what matters to me.

If it were me, I would drive or fly my kids to where my parents were so they could watch them because I knew they would be willing and then go on our trip from there. We've actually done this and we've enjoyed it.

 

[frndshpcptn]

Do they have other things going on in thier life (work, care for thier elderly parents, health issues) that may make it a true difficulty for them to take the kids for more than a couple hours or a night?

They may "want" to in thier hearts, but know in thier heads that's it wouldn't ultimately be good for them OR the kids.

It's hard to care for kids that young, especially when you don't do it day in and day out. Maybe they know this and don't want to be put in the position of taking the kids and not being able to properly care for them.