OT: In Laws Rant-I'll try not to make it too...

[CandCMommy]

long.

DH and I have been married almost five years. We got pregnant with DS3 two months after we got married and now have DS 7 mo's. Right before we got married my DH got laid off from his job (post 9-11 in the hospitality industry wasn't good) and he got a great opportunity to move back to his home town and work for a family business--so we moved across the country. We are currently living about 18 hours away from my family to whom I am very close. Since we've lived here, I haven't really made any good friends and am not extremely close to DH's extended family.

For our five year anniversary we would like to take an extended weekend trip to, as I put it, "get back that lovin' feeling". And just spend some good quality time together without our kids. We haven't spent one night without one of our kids since they've been born. There are several people in my hometown that I would trust my DS's too, but the only people that live near us that I would trust to keep them that long is DH's parents.

Well, today DH mentioned this to his father and he said "Even if your mom agreed to this I would have to say, no." WHAT? Are you kidding me? That has to be one of the most selfish things I have heard. Do they not realize that we live here, in this same city with them and we have NO ONE to depend on besides them. My dad would do ANYTHING to get to see his grandkids any time he wanted. Sometimes I just want to shake him and say, "Don't you understand how lucky you are to have your grandkids right here where you can see them any time." (These are the only two grandkids they have.)

I guess I just don't understand this? It really upsets me to the core! Do they not understand that we need some time alone so we can just remember why we fell in love in the first place? I was so looking forward to this and now I don't know what to do. BTW, DH's parents aren't old, they are just 50 so it's not like it would be too hard to take care of them. Geez, all we were asking for is four days. Any advice out there?

 

[Not so Dumbo]

I agree that DFIL is being a bit "grumpy" to put it nicely. My inlaws would love to take their grandkids (my kids are also the only ones they have). They are actually going to come and stay at our house with them while we are gone to WDW in March and again in December.
However..... neither one of my parents would step up and take them. I wouldn't even dare to ask. They just aren't "kid" people, they love their grandkids, but only in little bits at a time. I guess different strokes for different folks.
I would either try working DMIL and see if you get anywhere with her or maybe see if you could drop them off to your parents and then go on your get-a-way.

 

[taitai]

I have friends who have the same issue. Their parents or in-laws adore the grandkids and love spending time with them but, for whatever reason, just do not feel comfortable with the 24 hour responsibility of taking them while the parents are on vacation. Doesn't make them bad people or selfish, really, it is just more than they are comfortable doing.

My advice would be to get past this as fast as possible. You planned a vacation without first figuring this piece out and it is going to totally bum you out until you can just get over it. Don't let it ruin your relationship with your in-laws.

The good news is that you still have plenty of options. You could have your parents come and visit and care for you child. You could go to them and drop off your child and leave on your trip from there (and see some of the friends you miss so..an added bonus). You could bring along a babysitter. You could bring along your son and stay at a place with a kids club or with babysitters on site. Do you have siblings? Would they be an option?

Good luck and don't give up. There is a solution to your dilemma even if you can't see it quite yet.

Taitai

 

[livndisney]

I agree, some people are not "kid" people. I would not expect someone to watch my dd for 4 days, even family. I don't think I would even ask someone to do that. Especially family I am not "close" to.

just my .02

 

[Aristomommy]

I have in-laws that are similar. We used to live 30min. from them. They never offered to watch DD, but guilted us visiting every weekend. As long as they didn't have to do any of the driving etc. they wanted to see her. Then BIL and SIL had their 2 children and all of a sudden the grandparent gene kicked in. They would watch their 2 boys since they lived in the same town.

We have since moved and don't have any family around. Now MIL regrets not spending more time with. In the end, you cannot expect anyone to watch your children no matter how close they are to you. And frankly, I wouldn't want anyone watching my children who really didn't want to. You can always ask your MIL and then go from there.

 

[K and K's Mommy]

Sorry you are going through this! I understand where you are coming from. I grew up spending nights with both sets of grandparents. I have many fond memories of it. I bet my parents took at least one trip a year.

For various reasons, my DH and I haven't been able to go away together. Maybe someday! Luckily we travel with the kids at least twice a year so I still get some away time.

Sorry, no suggestions, except maybe to see how the MIL feels. Good luck!

 

[Diamondintheruff]

My inlaws are similar. They always say they want to help us out with the kids (at least MIL does. FIL is against doing any babysitting) and than when we ask them-it just isn't the right timing for them. Or worse yet they back out at the last minute and we're left scrambling.

It always feels as like they are rejecting our kids and therefore rejecting the most important part of us.

I don't have a solution for you. You can't make them into the people you want them to be. So either your expectations of them change or you continue to feel bitter about them. I'm trying not to be bitter with my inlaws. I find a sweet wine helps subdue the bitterness (or my allergy medication which wonks me and my tastebuds out).

 

[emma'smom]

Until very recently, we didn't have anyone living near us with whom we would leave our children overnight. However, from time to time DH and I needed to travel together for work, etc. Our solutions:

(1) My parents would fly to our town and stay at our house with our kids.
(2) We would take the kids to my parents house (flying or long, long drive) and leave from our vacation from there.
(3) My parents have met us in Chicago (we both fly in) and we have literally handed my dd over the security gate along with notarized papers stating that she was under their care for the week (afraid we would miss our tight connecting international flight if we actually exited the secure area and reentered). You wouldn't have to do this...you could actually have a more drawn-out drop off.

 

[momx2]

My parents love both my DDs, but they would not want to watch both of them together that long. They watched my first DD that long and were great with it, loved it. But once the other DD came along they could barely watch them both for one night. They prefer to watch them separately, but will watch them together on a limited basis. They just do not have the patience for both of them together very long and I understand. Some grandparents are fine with it, some aren't. It doesn't make them selfish, just honest, IMO!

 

[mommytobug]

Do we have the same in-laws?? My parents used to live about 5 1/2 hours from us. If my dd got sick, or we needed anything my mom would drop and come. My parents would both make the trip to help out. My dd had RSV and numerous URI's that would make for very long nights. I work so that made it harder. We adopted her at birth so I took 6 weeks off and then MIL did keep her for a few months. They own a family business and she would keep her during the day at the store. She LOVED being able to feel she knew everything. The bad thing is that she would not go home with her when she was sick (after she was in daycare) and would NOT invite her to spend the night. She even said that she would have the same rule as she had with dhs cousins, if they asked to spend the night they knew the answer was no. My dh confronted her on this one and she changed her tune. She did not sleep through the night for years, and they never once offered to keep her. My parents moved here and of course she would stay with them, spend the night, etc. She had been going to stay with them since she was a toddler. My in-laws have a different lifestyle than my parents and that is Ok. They always have a party to go to, dinner plans, etc. They also own a family business and are often martyrs about it, that may be what is going on with yours. Well, we never went. Why should they? My in-laws did go sometimes but not to hear her tell it. My SIL has a 3 year old. My MIL will take her home for naps if she is here visiting and she will keep her for days at a time. I am not jealous as I am thankful she has learned life is too short. But, I do wish they had at least offered sometimes to help. Working in a family business is not for the weak at heart, it can be HEL*. I HATE it sometimes. I would never do it. I would call your parents and plan your mini vacation around what would be easy for them to help you. It may be that your FIL does not want your dh to take off. Good luck!!

 

[Omma]

Can your parents come and stay with the kids??? That would give them some quality time with the grandkids and you would have peace of mind.

 

[Tam1067]

I'm sorry you're going through this, but please do not expect anyone to take your kids while you go on vacation.

I, too, live near my in-laws while my family lives 2000 miles away. DH and I have never--never since my oldest was born almost 11 years ago--been away overnight together without the kids because we have no one to watch them. DH's parents are not willing to do so (they don't watch them ever), and I also don't want them to for other reasons...

But my point is, you should not let this become an issue. Different people do different things, and you'll be a lot happier if you accept that reality and move on from there.

 

[Merriwind]

I'm sorry that you're feeling disappointed and hurt right now. Please realize that different people have different comfort levels. For my parents and sleepovers, comfort came around age 5. Kids were sleeping, no potty issues, could clearly communicate needs, etc. Before that, it just wasn't what they wanted or could do. DD10 has slept over many, many times in the last few years, although only one night at a time. I'm not sure if my sister's boys (6 and just turned 5) ever have. Not every grandparent does sleepovers. It really doesn't make them evil or selfish. My parents love the kids and take all of us on vacations to share family time. They just aren't the biggest sleepover, 24 hour a day caretaker sort of grandparents.

Sounds like your ILs might be similar. Try not to let the disappointment linger. Maybe you can work something out with your parents. Would the ILs be willing to do one or two nights if you stayed nearby? I hope you can work something out!

 

[Aliceacc]

How about bringing your kids with you to see your family? Then you and your husband can detour for a day or two and leave the kids with your parents.

 

[hentob]

Well, today DH mentioned this to his father and he said "Even if your mom agreed to this I would have to say, no."

Wow. He would tell his wife that she couldn't watch her grandchildren...even if she wanted to

 

[mommy-on-the-move]

How about bringing your kids with you to see your family? Then you and your husband can detour for a day or two and leave the kids with your parents.

I like this idea. In 11 years as a parent I can't think of many nights away I've had without the kids (maybe 10 in total, 3 of those were our honeymoon, 2 have been for funerals, 1 for a hospital stay when i lost a baby, 3 nights when i gave birth to #2,#3 and #4.. actually thinking on it i've had 1 night in 11 years when it's not been my honeymoon, a funeral or a hospital stay- and 2 of those hospital stays i was actually in labour through the night and home before the next night! ) my parents are great, they really are- they'll babysit, they take 3 of the 4 kids every other weekend overnight and my mother is THE only person who will take my ds5 who is special needs, no one else will even sit for us alone if he's part of the deal (and he's not naughty or nasty- he is just high wired and lively, emotional and dyspraxic) people will actually offer to sit the girls but not ds5 and no one will sit for ds1 as he's breastfed and they all have this idea he has to be attached to me 24-7. It can get frustrating- even when my mom takes the oldest 3 we have the baby still but it's still a nice break. My mil is great- she's young, she's not even 50 yet (and she's the grandmother of 10!) but she is on her own and so my kids are alot of work for her on her own.

We've been parents since we were adults, we were still in high school when our eldest was born (and still together 3 more kids, 1 marriage later which is quite an achievement) and so we've learnt to adapt- we travel alot with the kids, we still go out to dinner etc but with the kids, we base our time getting back to remember why we're in love around the kids because a big part of why i love DH is because of the father he's become to our kids, it's a big part of his identity so even though we're still a couple we're both changed people for being their parents and i found an important thing for us was learning to love each other even when we can't be an exclusive demand on each others time.

I say take your break away back home with your family, your parents would get the benefit of having time with their grandkids, you could catch up with old faces and enjoy being together too.

When you have to live, work and socialise with your in laws it's not worth falling out over. I know alot of couples where when they've grown they've decided their baby-duty days are over, they raised their own and now it's down to their kids to do the same so it could just be how they were raised themselves- did your husband have much contact with his grandparents growing up? That would probably be a pretty good indicator.

 

[The Disney Bunch]

Some people are not good about this - to be honest, you really shouldn't have planned a trip without making sure that you had coverage - you set your self up for disappointment. Do they babysit for a few hours? If so, ask for your annviersary night & plan a nice meal out. A few hours together should be good too. Enjoy what you can do & don't think about what you cannot have.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

Hey try having a MIL who told you she wouldn't watch your kids, then turns around and watches her other grandchildren.

I'm lucky to be an only child with an overbearing mother who loves her granchildren.

So I don't need my inlaws.

I agree about the suggestions to ask your parents.

 

[barkley]

Wow. He would tell his wife that she couldn't watch her grandchildren...even if she wanted to

since he assumably lives in the home that would house a 7 month old and a 3 year old for those 4 days he would have the right to say 'no' even if his wife opted to say 'yes' (unless she chose to go to the children's home and care for them alone there). i can't imagine agreeing no matter how much i loved someone's children, even if they were related to me, taking on this type of responsibility-it's exhausting enough for parents to do as a parent, let alone not being recently 'conditioned' and accilimated to it as would likely be the case for grandparents the fil may also be more aware of how all of this may impact any issues he/mil may have health wise (and not all older adults share all of their health issues with their adult children-some have more restricted lifestyles at home than we realize and are very well masked when people are over).

i would personaly kill for even one night alone with dh-we've had maybe 3 or 4 single nights alone since we had kids (now 13 and a week shy of 11) because we have no family willing or able to care for the kids. even when i was deathly ill we had no resources-i hope for noone that you ever have to delay seeking emergency medical treatment until school opens the next morning because you don't want to have to drag your kids to an e/r and have them sit and worry about you. but i don't hold a grudge about it-it was'nt my family members who chose to bring my kids into the world, and they are under no obligation to provide childcare. on those occasions when dh and i have wanted or realy needed to be by ourselves we sucked it up and hired an adult sitter who we paid to come over in the evening and stay until we returned at noon the next day. cost us a hundred or so more than we would have spent just going out to the movies-but it was our only means of leaving the kids.

op-sounds like you have family that is willing to watch the kids for that duration of time but distance is the issues. i would suggest either budgeting to fly them in/out or rearranging your travel plans to drop the kids off and spend your alone time in their area. if that's not financialy in the cards then how about scaling back and just doing one nite-even one nite at a local hotel can be a luxury when you don't have to listen to 'sponge bob' on the television

 

[turnlisa]

We are right there with you. My FIL lives an hour from my children and hasn't seen them since June. Doesn't call unless he needs something. My MIL passed away when my oldest DS was 9 months. We did ask my FIL and his girlfriend to watch the kids one night so we could go to a concert - actually I asked the girlfriend since we are close. They backed out on us the day of the concert since she got sick and he couldn't handle it.

My parents live 8 hours away and would kill to spend time with my kids. My parents drop everything when we visit during the summer and spend all week with my kids. My FIL couldn't even come to my DS's baptism (after all, that would take away from work - it was on a Sunday).

We haven't had a night away from the kids since my oldest DS was 2 - he is now 11. We have learned that we just don't ask my FIL for anything. Easier and my kids don't get hurt emotionally. My dad is Grandpa and my FIL is just the guy that comes by for appearances once a year.