OT - How would you feel about this? ADVICE NEEDED

[SharpMomOfTwo]

Ok - heres the situation - I have a friend whos married, but very much wants a divorce. She loves her DH as a person, and as the father of their children, but says that they just aren't "ment to be" married (she was very young when they wed). They have gone through this a lot, even going into therapy BEFORE they were married! I don't know how many chances she has given him, but you know how it goes, he changes for about a week, then back to his old ways, yada yada yada.
Anyway - to my real question... He finally gets it, that she truely wants a divorce, and shes not going to take no for an answer this time, and hes totally freeking out. This happened about two weeks ago (and again from 4am to now), and he went right over to his parents house (then and now). Now, he told her that he was talking to them about their financial problems, but the truth finally came out today that he was also telling them about the fact that she wants a divorce, and all their marriage issues. Now shes kinda upset about that, first, because she doesn't feel the need to air their dirty laundry, and also the fact that he lied to her about it. But thats not what shes really mad about - he also came out and told her that he also went to HER PARENTS HOUSE and told THEM everything!! My friend doesn't have the best of relationships with her parents, so she doesn't really let them into her personal life to much, so shes totally livid about this. How would you feel if your DH did this? What do you think my friend should do?

TIA

 

[Luv Bunnies]

Well, there's not a lot she can do at this point since the damage is already done. She's already trying to divorce the guy and this just gives her one more reason why she doesn't want to stay with him. If the parents or the in-laws try to get involved, she can politely tell them to stay out of her business. It definitely makes it harder at this point, but they probably would have found out what was going on when the divorce started moving along.

I would tell her to keep pushing for the divorce. Does she have an attorney who can start the process and give her advice? That would be the best way to go. Hope this works out for your friend.

 

[DisneyBrat]

I think her husband is trying to manipulate her decision. It sounds as if the husband has some psychological issues going on. If I was your friend I would take precautions. If they have been through counseling then I would say its time to move on. This is just my pre pych degree opinion


Lew

 

[Disney1976]

Well, there's not a lot she can do at this point since the damage is already done. She's already trying to divorce the guy and this just gives her one more reason why she doesn't want to stay with him. If the parents or the in-laws try to get involved, she can politely tell them to stay out of her business. It definitely makes it harder at this point, but they probably would have found out what was going on when the divorce started moving along.

I would tell her to keep pushing for the divorce. Does she have an attorney who can start the process and give her advice? That would be the best way to go. Hope this works out for your friend.

I tend to agree. At this point, the damage, if any, is done. If she is set on getting a divorce and counseling hasn't worked, she needs to seek the advice of a competent divorce attorney and go from there. The reasons for the divorce are the business of herself and her husband, and no one else, and she can't be worrying about what other people might think. I would hope people realize that they are only hearing one side of the story, anyway.

As someone who used to handle his fair share of divorce cases, one general piece of advice I would tell anyone getting a divorce is to try hard to remain civil and work together towards a speedy resolution. Everyone wants their divorce lawyer to be a "bulldog" but it doesn't accomplish anything other then dragging out the inevitable and make the lawyer wealthier (I didn't mind that part). And, if there are children involved, understand that even divorced, you will forever be a part of one another's lives, so learning to be amicable is in your best interest, as well as the best interest of your children. If you really want "revenge" against your spouse, the best kind is showing that you've moved on with your life, and you can get along fine without them.

 

[abdmom]

IMHO, DH was looking for someone that he could talk to about HIS problems. Of course, he went to his parents. He was looking for an understanding of why DW wants a divorce and he went to HER parents. Does she just think that he would NOT freak out? What would she do if the situation were reversed? If DH told her that he wanted a divorce, would she not be running to someone that she could talk to about it?

 

[thegrimdwarf]

I can see both sides of this, and feel for both parties. I don't have a great relationship with my parents, and would be 17 different flavors of ticked off if my husband chose to discuss any marital issues with them. I'd be angry if he talked to his own parents, too. But - if he's not wanting the divorce, I can totally see why he'd be speaking with both sets of parents - hers, for advice as to how to 'fix' it, and his, as a shoulder to cry on.

What would I do if I were her? Not much. Can't unring the bell - she's decided that divorce is the only solution, and she can't control how he deals with it, or who he speaks with about it.

 

[bellebud]

I would probably talk to all of my family, and most of dh's family, if he really wanted a divorce, and I really didn't. But, we're very close w/ both families. I once talked to mil about an issue I had w/ sil (mil's dd), and she helped me see things a little differently, which was great! My mom has also helped me see things differently about certain family issues from time to time. I don't know why he isn't 'allowed' to talk to other people about it, if he's hurting and upset. maybe he's way more needy than her, and that's one of the things that she doesn't like about him, but it's him. I don't see where it's "wrong"... it's just different than her. If my dh told me he wanted a divorce (and I didn't), and he also didn't want me talking to anyone about it, I'd tell him to go scratch.

 

[SharpMomOfTwo]

Thanks for your replies. I really don't know what my friend is going to do - now he says he wants both of them to go to a therapist, but she thinks he needs to go first.... who knows. And just to clarify Bellebud - shes not really upset that he spoke with HIS parents (or ALL of their friends about it) just the fact that he went to HER parents - I really think he was out of place doing that, but thats JMHO.

Thanks again for the replies.

 

[bellebud]

I do agree it could be out of place for him to speak to her parents, depending on prior relationships. again, it could be one of the reasons she doesn't want to be w/ him (the choices he makes). I don't blame her, but it's hard to tell someone else who they can and can't talk to, even someone in your own family. I only say this out of the idea that you cannot control other peoples actions, only how you respond to them, knim?

i do wish them both luck.

 

[Tink-aholic]

Interesting that the friend told you about this...and presumably didn't ask permission of the DH first. Why should she be surprised that he needs to talk to someone, too?

I would prefer that "dirty laundry" be kept within the family, myself.

 

[PrincessTiffany]

Interesting that the friend told you about this...and presumably didn't ask permission of the DH first. Why should she be surprised that he needs to talk to someone, too?

I would prefer that "dirty laundry" be kept within the family, myself.

I agree. This man is probably devastated. Why shouldn't he be able to turn to his parents for support and someone to talk to? Is he just supposed to go "okay, that's fine you want a divorce" and then go on his merry way and not mention to family or friends that is wife has left him?

 

[luvsJack]

I would have to agree with Princess Tiffany. I think most people turn to their parents when something devasating is happening in their lives. I just don't understand her holding this against him. Maybe he went to her parents to try and get some insight as to how to fix this. Seems like he would know after the years of marriage, but he was upset.

Since they have gone through this before (from what you say in your post) is there no possiblity of her changing her mind? Maybe thats what he was thinking?? People tend to think strangley when they are upset. And if she is taking the time to be livid, does she really want a divorce or is this a threat to get him to change? When I finally left my first husband for good, I just left. I didn't care who knew or knew why and I didn't take the time to care what they thought. I had split from him before, but wasn't sure that was what I wanted. Those times I did care what others thought, because I didn't want to burn my bridges.

 

[PrincessTiffany]

Since they have gone through this before (from what you say in your post) is there no possiblity of her changing her mind? Maybe thats what he was thinking?? People tend to think strangley when they are upset. And if she is taking the time to be livid, does she really want a divorce or is this a threat to get him to change? When I finally left my first husband for good, I just left. I didn't care who knew or knew why and I didn't take the time to care what they thought. I had split from him before, but wasn't sure that was what I wanted. Those times I did care what others thought, because I didn't want to burn my bridges.

That's exactly what I was thinking. If she really is done with her marriage and is set on a divorce, why would she care if he told his parents, or her parents for that matter? It's not like they aren't going to find out. If, God forbid, my husband ever left me or wanted a divorce, my parents and my in-laws would be the first people I would turn to.

 

[pigletto]

I guess I kind of look at this differently.
If someone wants to divorce and is sure.. then I don't think the ex spouse to be has any obligation to keep secrets for you or put out the story that that you want people to hear (in this case your friend).
Would I want my ex to go to my parents.. probably not. But I would have to deal with it as I have my own relationship with them and we could talk about it.

 

[The Disney Bunch]

While I can understand him talking to HIS parents, I cannot understand him talking to HER parents, escpecially sinc ehe knows that she doesn't have the greatest relationship with them. It was out of line.
The cat is out of the bag. don't let him win - be the bigger person & go through with the decision. She made her decision, go forward.

 

[disykat]

Unless he is saying nasty things about her in the process of telling people, I don't get what the issue is. Did she really think she could keep it a secret from both families?

I don't think she can expect him to just deal with it silently. Of course he talked to his parents. As for hers, she may want to determine his motives. If she honestly thinks he did it to stick it to her, then she has a valid beef. If he is desperately seeking advice/help etc. for his situation, I think she needs to cut him a break.