OT: How to teach your child not to take things for granted!

[dcforbreakfast]

Sigh! I don't think my 5 year old son is technically spoiled, that's the good news, but we're worried he may be headed that way.

He's not demanding, does not throw tantrums, he does share with friends etc...almost always says please and thank you....however...we've noticed when we punish him he's taking a "so what" attitude. If we take something away (even his favorite thing) for a day...a week...in his mind it's "well I can do it after that and that's ok". There's not much sense of loss about it.

With my husband's job, we get tickets to a lot of games/festivals/shows etc. He got punished the other day and when we said, Ok well you're not going to the game on Thursday then. His response, "that's ok, there will be another one". I could have screamed! What have we created?

There is plenty of "no" at our house. We're at Target and he wants candy it's no. No to toys etc. We are also consistent and follow through with punishments. Once I say no, it's no, no backtracking. I'm good at that, always have been. Despite that, I've ended up with this.

We do not give in to everything he wants either, however-- again, because of my husbands job --he does get a lot of cool little things from work here and there. We're putting a stop to that. I also let him do a lot of activities (I don't want to just sit at home with him, maybe that's been a mistake.)

He's basically taking everything for granted, oh if I can't do this, I'll just do this instead. Oh if I can't play with this, I'll just play with this instead.

Any help guys? I do not want to create a little monster here.

 

[yngsj]

I don't think there is a way to teach a 5 year old not to take things for granted. I think it's something they learn in time, as they grow they learn to appreciate things. Not giving them everything they want is a great start though and as my kids get older(DS10,DS8)we talk about others less fortunate and donate to help others. It still don't think my DD gets it but my son is starting to. I sounds like your headed in the right direction and its great that you are concerned about it because a lot of people just don't care.

 

[dcforbreakfast]

I even tried finding pictures of poor kids on the internet to show him how others have to live. I don't think he got it.

Me and the hubby have discussed and for now we just realize we have to cut back, which is a shame because it's fun for us too, but it's not about us, it's about making him into a good person. Maybe when he starts religious classes this fall that will help. Sigh!

 

[LadyShea]

You could see this as a good trait for the future...a sign of adaptability which will be beneficial as an adult since obstacles or setbacks won't be devastating to him. That doesn't make it less frustrating now of course.

I would no longer use only removal of privileges/things as the primary discipline method, since he seems un-fazed by it. Why not try going the other way? Rather than losing privileges he has to earn them. Or combine them so that anything he loses has to be "bought" back with good behavior?

You can try a sticker chart or some kind of points system, and for good behavior he earns points. When a certain amount is reached he can choose a new toy, an activity (go to a movie or whatever), or get back a favored item he had previously lost.

Also, as a family you should get involved with charity work. My niece didn't get it when I showed her pictures of poor kids either. She got it when we took her with us to volunteer at an emergency shelter full of Orleans Parish evacuees in our area after hurricane Katrina.

 

[brymolmom]

We appear to be very like-minded dcforbreakfast - I worry about this A LOT with my own kids. I have a 5 year old ds and 3 year old dd. The 5 year old is very laid back, not demanding, etc. The 3 year old is very demanding - different personalities.

Both dh and I did not have a lot at all growing up. We both were raised by single mothers after the deaths of our dads. We both worked as soon as we were able to start earning and paid for a LOT of things ourselves after that. It would never even have occurred to me to do things like ask my mom for money for the prom for my dress or a limo or anything like that - I paid (a small amount but it was a ton on my part-time minimum wage job) for them myself.

I clearly remember how totally GRATEFUL I was for a very special gift (like a really nice outfit to wear to school since I did NOT have anything comparable to most of the kids at the school) or when my boyfriend at the time would give me an extra $20 when I was in college. I remember thinking how much that would help me get thru till the next paycheck and how thankful I was.

While I am happy that I am able to offer my kids more...I really regret that they very well might never feel that true gratitude that I had - because I knew that i likley wouldn't have had it if it wasn't for the hard work and/or generosity of someone where my kids might just think 'well, grandma will get it for me for my birthday' or whatever.

Same thing for trips - we've been to WDW at least once a year since ds was born (and before - I'm the big fan in the house). But I think we're going to start slowing down with that because I honestly don't want them to just expect to go on great vacations like that all the time.

I do similar things to you - I say no pretty often. We get most toys, etc. from garage sales so they already know that we don't pay full price for stuff. And, I know in the near future - if they really want something with a high-ish sticker price - it will involve them earning at least some of the money themselves. They can do chores around the house or rake leaves at grandma's to get some extra $ and then once they have half - mom and dad will pay for the other half - or similar.

Still, all in all - unless something dreadful happens to our situation, I doubt they will ever really appreciate it as much as dh and I do.

 

[merrywether]

I have two thoughts on this one:

I'd agree with LadyShea and say that his adaptive attitude toward the punishment will serve him well in future years as he deals with life's disappointments, big and small.

Also, it's possible your son is trying a bit of reverse psychology on you by saying it's ok to mask his disappointment.

When you cancel an outing for him because of poor behavior, is it just him who doesn't go? Does he have a sibling who still goes with one of you? If he's an only child, do you and your husband get a babysitter and still go without him? If the entire family misses out, everyone's being punished. If he (and of course one caregiver who is punished by proxy!) stays behind while others are able to partake, he may be a bit more humbled by the punishment. Just some ideas from a teacher of behaviorally-challenged 9 and 10 yr olds!

 

[dis-happy]

I really wouldn't worry about it. When I used to punish my ds with timeout (this was around ages 4-7) he'd cheerfully say "good idea!" He still got the punishment which was all I cared about. Now that he's older (13) he's one of the most polite, grateful kids around...I often get nice comments from other parents about him. In a way it's good that your ds can see the brighter side and more long-term side of things (ie. this punishment now isn't going to last forever), it may serve him well later in life.

 

[LisaZoe]

I definitely understand how you feel. My DD is 5 and also seems unfazed when I take things away as punishment. I realized that it's actually more my issue than hers when I didn't like how she accepted the punishment without complaint. I thought I wanted an obvious sign from her that something was taken away yet I don't want her to complain, argue, etc. when I say "No". I was definitely sending a mixed message in that. KWIM? I know the lesson does sink in even if she doesn't show it at the time because she has mentioned the loss months later. If your DS says "oh well, there's another one coming", I'd look at is as a mature way to deal with disappointment. Rather than dwelling on what he doesn't get, he knows that it's not the end of the world because other opportunities will come up. Really, do you want to send him the message he should pout, cry or otherwise make the loss obvious just because he can't have what he wants?

However cutting back isn't a bad idea just because he probably have more than he needs if he's like my DD. I previously had a very good paying job which allowed me to do so much for my DD that I didn't get to do when I was a child. Since I left that job to start my own business, our finances were reduced drastically. I often feel guilty that I can't do as much for DD but honestly she doesn't really miss it. I don't think she took things for granted but really she had so much she didn't need that I bought mostly because I could. We still do fun things together when we can but they are usually simpler (i.e. free or low cost) activities like going to the park, zoo concerts (they're free with our annual membership which is very low cost).

 

[MSSANDRA]

I have an only child and we have tried very hard not to spoil him. We try to remember the rule that Kathy Gillford says prevented her very high profile children from being spoiled, "To whom much has been given, much is required". We make sure that DS shares in the work as well as the pleasure. He helped pack, and cary bags on trips, helped unpack and wash cloths after the trips. He might have a extra chore to do in order to help us get ready to go to a special show or movie. We started doing these things at like 3 or 4. Each year before Christmas, we would clean out the toy box and donate toys before he got new ones.We always took advantage of chances like the christmas shoe boxes to teach him to share. We never let him get something for himself when we shoped for others.

Overall we did well. At 15 he is very unspoiled. He gives on his own and appreciates what he gets.

AS for the discipline, do not take his rebuke is too seriously. Looks like he knows how to push your buttons.

 

[Grendalynn]

You could see this as a good trait for the future...a sign of adaptability which will be beneficial as an adult since obstacles or setbacks won't be devastating to him. That doesn't make it less frustrating now of course.

I would no longer use only removal of privileges/things as the primary discipline method, since he seems un-fazed by it. Why not try going the other way? Rather than losing privileges he has to earn them. Or combine them so that anything he loses has to be "bought" back with good behavior?

You can try a sticker chart or some kind of points system, and for good behavior he earns points. When a certain amount is reached he can choose a new toy, an activity (go to a movie or whatever), or get back a favored item he had previously lost.

Also, as a family you should get involved with charity work. My niece didn't get it when I showed her pictures of poor kids either. She got it when we took her with us to volunteer at an emergency shelter full of Orleans Parish evacuees in our area after hurricane Katrina.

I agree with the earning it back approach. We too try very hard to get our boys to appreciate the things they have and understand that there are kids/families outthere who don't. We "nake" the kids pick outthings every christmas that will be donated to a less fortunate family. We all "weed out" their toy box and make them bring their barely/rarely used toys to the church. teacher:

They have to earn their things that they get at walmart, KB Toys or where ever. I have no quams saying no either. I am not afraid of them having a fit in a store - anyone with kids has been in the same boat and are usually sympathetic. Its the people that give the hairy eyeball that need to get a grip... If you give it once, they will do it everytime. We just started giving our 4 1/2 and 8 year old chores and a chore chart. If they do X, Y and Z they will earn this much $$. if more or less they would ear those ampounts... DH wants to start bring DS8 to work with him a little bit and put him to work washing trucks and doing small theing around his shop. A good work ethic and the knowlegde that things don't come free or easily is a very important lesson.... Anyway, getting off track...:

You have to remember too that 5 is still pretty young and they have a hard time comprehending things, like just how fortunate they really are. They are smart enough however to work the system so to speak. They learn that very young... If i do this and get this reaction, than I will play that card again! Stick to your guns, consider a points/reward system and talk to your child about less fortunate and the ways that other peopel live in this world and even in our own country. good luck!

 

[Princess Roo]

I also wouldn't worry too much - he's still pretty young. I think different children need to be disciplined different ways. I don't know that you necessarily need to cut back on going to fun things, just understand that removing those privileges won't be effective punishment for your son right now. Maybe for him to "get it" he needs something different, like time outs or no tv or something that is more of a "hot button" for him. At our house, time outs absolutely don't work because DS seems to enjoy them (or at least gets perverse pleasure out of frustrating me by pretending he does), but putting a favorite toy in prominently-displayed timeout for a while works wonders.

 

[Grendalynn]

oops! double post...

 

[Grendalynn]

I also wouldn't worry too much - he's still pretty young. I think different children need to be disciplined different ways. I don't know that you necessarily need to cut back on going to fun things, just understand that removing those privileges won't be effective punishment for your son right now. Maybe for him to "get it" he needs something different, like time outs or no tv or something that is more of a "hot button" for him. At our house, time outs absolutely don't work because DS seems to enjoy them (or at least gets perverse pleasure out of frustrating me by pretending he does), but putting a favorite toy in prominently-displayed timeout for a while works wonders.

CONGRATULATIONS on your pregnancy!! You must be getting sooo excited!! It seems like just yesterday I was on here trying to get some input on baby names.... Now DS#3 is into EVERYTHING!! Playing in toilets, tasting cat food.... It goes by so slow, yet so quickly, all at the same time... Best wishes and good luck!

 

[eliza61]

I wouldn't stress about it too much at this age. My kids are teenagers now and they still have their mental melt downs. Don't even get me started on the absurdity of the Iphone for a 15 year old. We did a good job, I think with the money aspect but now my dh and I are trying to get them to look outside of our own little family and to help the community at large. This has been a little tougher. Some times they still don't get it, since we are dvc members they go to disney every year and I think they expect it. We're trying to figure out how to get them to appreciate the sacrafices involved.

 

[dcforbreakfast]

Wow! Great advice everyone. I feel so much better hearing other people have the same concerns. He is a pretty laid back kid about most things, but is also a serious drama queen. If he gets hurt and sees that I saw it, I can actually see him go into his "act" that he's basically dying!

We thought about the whole "earning" things with chores, but my husband and I have agreed that chores is just something you have to do, not something you get rewarded for (we're mean! ), so we probably won't go that route. He has been doing whatever little chores he can do since he could walk, so I feel good about that, and he rarely puts up a fuss to do them, often just does them without us asking. I know, it shocks us too!


LisaZoe, that is a great point! I realize now I AM looking for a reaction. Something that says this sucks, you got me. And I'm not getting it. You raise a very good point that I will take to heart. You are right.

Merrywether, yes it could be reverse psychology, he's smart. We haven't done the get a babysitter thing yet for an event we cancel, problem is he would be so excited by the fact that he's getting a babysitter, it would backfire.

Brymolmom, reading your post, we are VERY alike!

Grendalyn, we started the pick out toys to give away after this last christmas...he just gets too much from all the grandparents etc...I think that's a great idea. He also has to purge his toys now and then for goodwill.

Thank you guys so much for all the great advice and comments.

 

[RumpleMom]

You are off to a good start with being consistent. You will be so glad when you are in the teenage years. THe hard work now pays off big time later on!