OT: Help needed for teen girl issues

[dkostel]

My niece is 13 and has always loved school & excelled. She lately has not been wanting to go to school & has decided that she doesn't want to go to the local high school, and doesn't even want to keep cheerleading, which she loves. Her mom told me that she and one of her friends had a falling out. I cannot say anyone is unhappy about that, as the girl just seemed like trouble, and her mom seems no better. I'm assuming that this girl is now making my niece's life very hard.

Thing is I had the same thing happen to me in grade school & I don't know what to tell her. I just endured, but looking back life would have been better if there was another solution.

She is coming to see me over xmas, and we have always been close, so it is possible that she will tell me what is going on (she hasn't told her folks).

Does anyone have any sage wisdom that I can pass on. Looking back, I can say that highschool doesn't really matter and the world dramatically changes when you get to college, but that doesn't help a teenager.

Thanks in advance

 

[ArmyMom23]

I think it is wonderful that she has you to talk to, I would have given anything at that age to have some one to help me cope. Life is so hard at 13 and other girls can be so mean. My self confidence was so destroyed at that age and it took years to rebuild. I think that is where you need to start. Help her break down the issues and see how truly trite they are. Help her understand how strong she truly is and nobody controls her life but her. It is kind of hard to give advise if I do not know the situation but it sounds like her friend might be spreading rumors and since they use to be friends people believe them. Tell her honesty is best, Stand up at cheerleading practice and say we had a fight I did this I am sorry but I did not do this and I would like everyone to know. enough is enough Bottom line if she loves cheerleading don't let her ex-friend the satisfaction of taking it away from her. She might regret that latter ,Only you control you. 13 is hard.

 

[blackforest]

With DDalmost13 don't tell her "I know how you feel" or "You'll get over it". Yes, I can look back on those now and see how trvial things were, but at the time they were traumatic. Just listen, talk if she wants to talk, and help her find her way.

I wouldn't be 13+ again if you paid me! Well, maybe, if I could take everything I learned with me!

Good luck!

 

[pbharris4]

I have an almost 12 yo DD who is going through a "girlfriend triangle" right now. Her two friends don't like each other. My DD is torn between them (same thing happened last year as well). The one is easy going the other very bossy and jealous. My DD is now not liking the bossy one because she doesn't like the other. To make matters worse, I watch her and her sister after school. Their mom thinks they should work it out on their own. I disagree and have taken them aside adn talked to them individually and together, but it still goes on.

I think alot of girls go through this. What I tell my DD to do is to tell others how she feels, but in a decent way.Sometimes others don't realize what they are doing offends the other. Others are just mean. I don't think they know what to do about their anger. It's such a rough age. All three of us moms are going to see what happens over the next 2 weeks and if the girls don't work on their problems all six of us are getting together for a chat.

I'd boost up her confidence and just let her know you are there for her to talk to. As long as she feels good about herself then maybe she won't care what her ex-friend thinks.

 

[kokomos]

I have no words of wisdom for you but if you get it all worked out can I send my DD13 to see you ??????? Good luck its a very tough age.

 

[disneymarie]

My niece is 13 and has always loved school & excelled. She lately has not been wanting to go to school & has decided that she doesn't want to go to the local high school, and doesn't even want to keep cheerleading, which she loves. Her mom told me that she and one of her friends had a falling out. I cannot say anyone is unhappy about that, as the girl just seemed like trouble, and her mom seems no better. I'm assuming that this girl is now making my niece's life very hard.

Thing is I had the same thing happen to me in grade school & I don't know what to tell her. I just endured, but looking back life would have been better if there was another solution.

She is coming to see me over xmas, and we have always been close, so it is possible that she will tell me what is going on (she hasn't told her folks).

Does anyone have any sage wisdom that I can pass on. Looking back, I can say that highschool doesn't really matter and the world dramatically changes when you get to college, but that doesn't help a teenager.

Thanks in advance

My own DD is having problems fitting in. Great student, a bit quiet at school, some anxiety issues. At home she is a typical kid. But vries not to go to school. has missed recent days with irritable bowel. She says thaat everyone hates her. She is just quiet. Boys are yucky, loves pets, plays internet games and DS Lite animal.

Her one gf moved away and has not called or IM;d. DD was really upset, Stays home, hates to shop. Did Dance several years, baton too,
I was hoping for a Internet pen pal friend?

I don't what to do but the crying and missing school has to stop. I am interested to see what responses and ideas you receive.
I am not going to homw school when not prepared, and then she would never make friends or leave the house.
Hope you can resolve your neices situation, Maybe she will make a new friend soon.
dianne

 

[ldo]

I REMEMBER!!! For my DD, we stick with something thru the year and we have a talk about why she REALLY does not want to continue---if it is a valid reason (including, I just don't like that anymore), then we try something new the next year.
One thing I try to do is to encourage a variety of activities with different groups of kids--so if one kid is on the outs, she has other friends to pick up the slack. Girls are tough! This year, only 1 kid from the old girl scout troop continued and they merged in to a new troop---the ones who quit let it be known that it was not "cool" to still be a GS--I was really proud of DD for continuing with all new girls--and they are having fun.
My DD is basically a happy kid--and I try to keep it that way---I wish that my Mom had gotten me involved in more stuff in the middle school years--it was tough--I was the awkward, smart one, who tried SOOO tried to fit in and be cool and KNEW that I was really just on the fringe (if even that) of the popular group and ONLY when they "allowed" me. Luckily by high school, my friendships were more solid (and my nose didn't look so big)!!
I also try to get involved in DD's stuff--be the Mom who drives, who has the meetings at your house, etc. to let her know that you are proud of her. I also think that helping/tutoring those less fortunate is a good boost to self-esteem, as well as helping others. Whether it's serving in a soup kitchen, tutoring younger kids in an after school program, etc., it helps kids (and adults) focus on something other than themselves---you also meet others who are volunteering and make new friendships. Otherwise, no perfect solution--there will always be plenty of mean girls out there!! Elaine

 

[dkostel]

Thank you all for the advice. She does have friends, but the one ex friend is doubtlessly the one causing trouble. I agree with her trying other activities, especially when she gets into high school. When I think back, once I got to high school I basically didn't see my grade school friends anymore. She just has to hang in for another 1/2 year.

Thanks again!

 

[MinMouse]

You are in a tough spot and you are a gem! Girls can be so mean. I remind my girls often that girls (and women!) can be mean. We have to start being nicer to one another . . . fortunately the moms of the girls in the neighborhood agree on this and try to watch out for girls being left out/mistreated. Good luck!