OT- Help, he wants kids!

[Arvandor_Ilfirin]

Well, let me start off by giving a little information about my dbf and I. We've known each other for three and a half years now, and have been dating for a little over 2. We're extremely happy, we have shared an apartment for a year and a half, have two cats who we love to death, and will be looking into getting a house (and a puppy) within the next year.

Time after time he has proven to me that he is dependable, loyal, loving, and we are extremely compatible (we have mini-tiffs for about 2 hours maybe every few months or so...It's never about anything major, either.). So I know he'd make a wonderful father, and well...I'd like to think I'd make a good mom! In fact, the only reason why we haven't gotten engaged is because we both agreed to wait until he had finally achieved a position in his career of choice for financial security. (which he just got last month! )

So while he and I are excitedly planning our future, his family has already begun to ask about grandchildren. Now, we won't be having children anytime soon, but we've talked about it before and both agreed that we would like to have a family someday. However, he wants us to have children naturally, and I would prefer to adopt.

I know it might sound a little selfish, but I've never wanted to have children through pregnancy. If I ever did, trust me, I would love them to death...But the thought of being pregnant, having to go through labor, it's something I not only didn't care for, but feared. I suppose it's not natural, just because so many women I know embrace pregnancy without a problem...I wonder if maybe there's something wrong with me for being afraid of it. I find it beautiful when it's someone else, but for myself I can't even think about it.

I want to adopt. I've researched so much information on the different options available within the US and other Countries. I adore the thought of giving a child who needs a home a secure family to love and care for them. But no matter how hard I try to talk to him about it, the subject just seems to fall through the cracks.

It is years away, and as such isn't a big issue now...but someday it's going to be. It doesn't come up very often, but with his mother now happy that he's got the career position we've been aiming to get for so long and telling him about all the things they'd love to do for their grandkids, I'm afraid it will be coming up more and more often.Am I wrong for feeling the way I do? Should I just forget about it until the time to make a descision arrives?

I know it's a difficult subject to address, but I was just hoping that maybe someone had a little personal advice or words of wisdom to get me through the day with this on my mind.

 

[MommyBoo!]

No advice, just wanted to say good luck and that I think you're smart to want to work this through now. I know about family pressure - DH's grandmother gave me a baby blanket at my wedding shower!

 

[fofinia]

I would personally love to adopt but my DH feels strongly against it. I think he fears that he could never love another child as much as his own flesh and blood. I think anyone who adopts is amazing and wonderful people. And being pregnant and labor can be scary. And it isn't for everyone. Perhaps you could do one of each? One pregnancy for him to have his flesh and blood and then adopt as many more as you can fit into your life? I think you have the right to feel the way you do about not getting pregnant. But he may also feel just as strongly that he wants a child of his own. I don't think either is wrong. Just wondering if there is a compromise....

Best of luck! I hope you do end up adopting at some point!

 

[mumom95]

That's a tough one. I have a couple of friends who have both given birth to two children and adopted one from China. And I can tell you for sure, there is no difference in their love for the adopted child than for their biological child. Maybe that is an option for you, do both.

I have two biological children, and I was terrified of the pregnancy and birth when I first got pregnant with my son, I think many woman are, so you don't have to feel like there is something wrong since you feel that way. And at times it was a pain being pregnant, and going through labor wasn't exactly a trip to Disney, but we women get through it. And afterwards you look back and realize that you were just part of one of life's most amazing miracles. I will say though, I'm glad I had two biological children, but if my husband and I decide to have a third (which we more than likely won't) I will adopt this time, not because I don't want to go through pregnancy, but because there are so many children that need homes.

The only real advice I would give you is that if you know for sure (and I mean you have no doubt) you don't ever want to have your own biological children, make sure your dbf knows that (and doesn't think you will change your mind in a couple of years.)

Good Luck!!

 

[dana1003]

well we waited 8 years to have kids and that was because he was pressuring me to have kids...well when we started to try, we found out we we had problems...fast forward to taking hormones, shots in the backside and belly, every medicine you can think of, ivf( which didnt work) insemination did-twins! i was so afraid by this time cuz the road to get there was so rough...but you know what ,pregnancy was great..had no morning sickness, was tired allot and they did come early -9weeks- so i never really had contractions that were bad-didnt have to push cuz they gave me a c-section-you feel NOTHING..did have pain afterward cuz of the cut, but it really wasnt that bad. i think you are dwelling too much on what you might think will happen or feel like when inactuality it might be a breeze...
please dont let the fear hold you back..you might be pleasantly surprised...and if you do decide to adopt that ok too-the outcome is the same...to share your life w/someone else...good luck! by the way-i wouldnt change a thing...they crack me up!

 

[bellarella]

Don't ignore the issue. Don't get married until you are both a place where agree on a plan. Seriously, this is one of the few issues in marriage where if you aren't in agreement it can destroy your marriage. Lots of things can be compromised on. But children really isn't one of those things. If you are that passionate about adopting and he is that passionate about having biological children, then you have to be honest with yourselves and decided if your view is more important than your relationship. It is 100% OK if it is (though it may be hard). There is no right or wrong way to feel about whether to or how to build a family. How you feel is how you feel. Either of you pushing the other into a position you aren't comfortable with isn't good for your relationship, and thus weakens the foundation of your family, and isn't good for your children.

You and your DBF should consider working with a third party to really talk this issue through.

Good luck.

 

[Tropicana]

My only advice is to not let fear control your life.

 

[TAEMom]

I think it may help you both to talk to an objective third party. I truly don't think it is an insurmountable problem.

Also, though it sounds like you have given it a lot of thought and are mature to even realize that this could present a problem, I think you should keep in mind that the way each of you feels today, may not be the way you feel in 5 yrs. When DH and I first began dating, I wasn't sure that I ever wanted to have children. And then, by the time that we had been married for a year (~4 yrs. later), I was sure that I wanted to have 4 kids! DH wanted to have 2 - so we compromised at 3, and both of us are happy with that number!

 

[rparmfamily]

I agree, don't let fear of the unknown control your life. What you fear is often not what you expect once you deal with it.

I was never one to ever want to have children, well, meeting DH made me change my mind about that. I was fine until we had been married a little over 5 years and I just started to have the urge to have children. I'm not a frilly girl (never went to prom, we eloped,etc) and just was never one of those women who dreamed of children,etc. BUT eventually that did change. Pregnancy and labor are just a short period in your life but that child is pure love forever. Are pregnant and laboring women scared?? YOU BET!! Every first time mom fears labor! It's the fear of the unknown.

I also think that you and your boyfriend MUST agree before you get married. If my DH and I didn't agree on children, it would have been a deal breaker.

Good luck!

 

[Arvandor_Ilfirin]

Thank you all so much for the great replies! Yes, I hope maybe someday I can get over the fear of it...I'm not reallly afraid of many things, but pregnancy just flat out scares me, I really wish it didn't. I think trying for a baby and adopting seems like a good way to go.

I can't thank you enough, I really have tears in my eyes knowing I'm not the only woman in the world who is scared! It seems like everyone keeps acting like it's natural, that they're perfectly fine with it, and that I'm some sort of psychopath for being apprehensive. I actually feel alot better having the knowledge in my head that I'm not a freak from Mars.

And Fofinia, good luck with your situation! I hope you two can find a way to get through it. I know that if someone wants children to love and care for, I don't think it matters where they come from, you'll love them just the same! So I'm sure your DH has nothing to worry about, maybe he just needs a little encouragement.

 

[*KeepMovingForward*]

I definitely wouldn't sweep this issue under the rug. There's nothing wrong with either position, but that is quite a huge thing not to agree on. I think most people have envisioned a family for themselves at some point and some are quite set on having a natural child. I don't think I could have compromised with DH on that one-definitely would have been a deal breaker for me. If your BF is not waivering on his position or not discussing this, you really ought to lay things on the line-maybe he just doesn't understand how serious you are in not wanting a natural child and thinks you will change your mind. Since his family is already bringing up the baby issue, seems the talk needs to be had-even if you weren't planning on children (natural or adopted) for several years. It just wouldn't be right for either one of you to ignore this and hope the other comes around.

I'm not sure that every woman out there looked forward to or relished pregnancy (although there are some that just love being pregnant and repeat the process frequently), but I viewed it as a necessary means to an end. I was scared to heck of labor and delivery, but it wasn't bad IMO, but everyone's experience and pain tolerance is different. If your scared of what pregnancy will do to your body, well, if your diligent about it, getting the body back really isn't an issue.

I think adoption is wonderful and there is nothing wrong with wanting to adopt, but you need to make sure that this is something you both want. I wish you and your BF a lot of luck, this is not an easy problem to solve.

 

[tjlovespooh]

I just wanted to say that before DH and I decided to have children I was absolutely horrified at the thought of pregnancy and childbirth and was unsure about becoming a mother. Unfortunately we lost our first attempt at having a baby to miscarriage, after that I "knew" I truly wanted to have biological children. After concieving our second baby I remember being elated at the thought of getting a "second chance" at being a mother. That elation however was still accompanied by an overwhelming fear of pregnancy/childbirth and all those "unknowns"! However, I found comfort in repeating this: "It can't be too terrible because if it were women wouldn't go through it more than once, right?" I thought of all the women I knew who had multiple children, I spoke with them and tried to gain as much info I could. Yes, some of the stories were a bit frightening but I felt better prepared for what was ahead thanks to them. Also, everyone had a different story, and this helped me realize that my experience was not going to be the same as someone else's. I can honestly say that I ended up LOVING pregnancy, the best 9 months of my life! No kidding! No morning sickness, mood swings, headaches, or any of the other terrible stuff I had heard about. The worst thing for me was having my feet and fingers swell. I actually believe that I could be a surrogate mother someday(after my family is complete). My personal experience was this: A mother's job is easiest when she's pregnant - the tough part comes after the baby is in your arms! This will ring true whether you have biological children or adoptive, and NOTHING can prepare you for it! Believe me, I tried

 

[Arvandor_Ilfirin]

No advice, just wanted to say good luck and that I think you're smart to want to work this through now. I know about family pressure - DH's grandmother gave me a baby blanket at my wedding shower!

I also forgot to mention, this made me laugh and helped cheer me up!Thanks for the much needed stomach cramp!

 

[Juliet25]

While I don't want to downplay your fear of pregnancy and childbirth (we all have hang-ups!), I just want to put out there that adoption is not an easy process. I'm just starting the process due to secondary infertility (ie, I have one child but am having difficulties conceiving another) and it's overwhelming...not to mention expensive. If I could conceive a baby, I wouldn't go through the process.

It's certainly admirable to want to adopt, particularly if you can look beyond the "perfect" white baby and give love to an equally deserving minority child, but it's also an arduous process. It may be incredibly stressful for you and DH to go through, particularly if you don't "need" to.

Good luck!

 

[design_mom]

Good luck to you. I agree with the others -- you are smart to be thinking about/discussing this now. Whichever way you ultimately decide to add children to your family, you and your DBF need to be on the same page.

I am the mother of two wonderful children by adoption and I love them more than anything in the world. (I've honestly never understood the "my own flesh and blood" thing...but since my family isn't built around that, I guess that's good!)

If you think that your DBF has a similar "fear of the unknown" when it comes to adoption, you might consider calling some adoption agencies in your area. Many of them have summer reunion picnics (both the agencies we used do) which could be a good chance to meet children and adoptive parents in your area. Sometimes meeting real, live, wonderful adopted children takes the fear out of it.

But, like a previous poster said, adoption isn't without it's scary moments either. The fears and uncertainties are probably different than those you'd face during pregnancy and childbirth, but I'd wager they're equally stressful.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

[bumbershoot]

didnt have to push cuz they gave me a c-section-you feel NOTHING..did have pain afterward cuz of the cut, but it really wasnt that bad.

I can't let that just be out there without comment. You might have had that experience, and I'm glad for you. There are others, MANY others, who had a much, much different experience, and who experience pain for YEARS after, from "the cut".



To the OP, I assume he's OK with adoption as well? The adoption part isn't an issue, right? For the bio kid, perhaps he wouldn't mind a surrogate carrying an embryo from the two of you?


While many women worry about pregnancy and birth, I think when a person doesn't want to do it at all because of those fears, it's worth looking at further. I personally, if I feared it so much I refused to try it again, would look into counseling, just to figure out what was going on in my life/past/mind that caused so much fear. Of course, I'd get counseling for just about anything that was causing me so much fear it was keeping me from doing something (exceptions being bungee jumping, parachuting, and spider-wrangling...oh and spelunking...feel no need to get over those fears, and I feel they are perfectly natural fears to have )

But those are my personal feelings about my personal self, and you might feel about pregnancy and labor like I do about parachuting.

 

[mom2my3kids]

How about do both??

 

[bellarella]

To the OP, I assume he's OK with adoption as well? The adoption part isn't an issue, right? For the bio kid, perhaps he wouldn't mind a surrogate carrying an embryo from the two of you?

I got the impression he *does* have an issue with adoption. It sounds like having a biological child is important to him. I could be wrong, though.

As for surrogacy, if the physical aspect of not being pregnant is the driving force here, I wouldn't recommend surrogacy. To do surrogacy (gestational surrogate), one has to go through the In Vitro Fertilization process. The physical and emotional toll of that is quite substantial. Not to mention it costs $10,000+ and then the cost for the surrogate.

For the OP, how far have you looked into adoption? I don't want to make it sound like I'm knocking adoption, however, I think it really has to be something you are passionate about, rather than something you do to avoid pgcy. Adoption is a very difficult road, and very expensive. You will have your private lives torn apart by strangers (finance reviews and homestudies). Mountains of paper work. Waiting can be lengthy and you can have many times where you think you have a placement only to have it fall through. For international adoption you generally can't adopt a young infant (3 mos is generally the youngest, with some countries being closer to 12-18 mos). For domestic adoption, you have to deal with individual state laws, some of which give the birth parents a significant amount of time to change their minds after placement. Then there are the costs, which, unless you are doing an adoption through the state (for a special needs or "hard to place" child) generally run in the $10,000-$30,000 range.

Again, none of this is to "knock" adoption. But just like pgcy has bumps along the way (I could go into detail on those too ), adoption is not an easy road. Which is why I think you really need to be passionate about wanting to adopt (either because it is the only viable way to build your family or because you philosophically feel strongly about adoption). If both you and your DH aren't really passionate about it, the process can put a tremendous strain on your relationship.

 

[SalandJeff]

I have several thoughts regarding your post. Firstly, we were not able to have bio children, so I really cannot address the physical aspect of having children. We have a beautiful daughter who was adopted and is now 3 1/2. She is the light of our lives and we couldn't lover her more. Adoption is generally not an easy road either...I always say not for the faint of heart! But as I always hear bio moms say about labor, you forget all of it when you have your child.

IMHO, you really need to come to some agreement about this before you get married. This is a huge issue and not something to compromise about. Perhaps couples counseling might help. Also, have you spoken with your gyn about your fears...they may be able to help. No judgements here....just trying to help Best of luck.

 

[Tikicampers]

I think many women are afraid to admit they are scared of pregnancy and/or labor. Particularly because of those women who love being pregnant. I know I felt that I was a horrible mother because I did not like being pregnant (morning sickness will do that to you). But as others have noted, I got over it enough to do it again.
We are considering adopting a third in a few years. I have no doubt I would love that child just as much as the two I have now. DH and I have discussed this at great length though, and I would not do it unless I was sure he was with me 100%.
You are right to want to air this out before you marry. Yes people do change, you may wake up one day with an intense desire to carry your own child (I've known this to happen to people). But then again you may not.