OT-HELP? Anyone move with a middle schooler?

[Keara'sMom]

I know this is way off topic, but I'm really stressed about this and thought I'd learn some good insights from you all.

My dh's job is a killer (has been for years, but it's getting worse), and it looks like we could make a move in a year or so. My dd10 will likely be going into sixth grade at that time, and that's a tough period anyway. She's an only child and would much rather be with her friends than with us. One of her best friends lives two houses from us, and she hangs out there a lot. We broached the subject of dh's job and the stress and the possibility of moving with her a while ago, and she burst into tears. I know we have to do what's best for the whole family, and that could mean moving, but I know she won't think that's what's best for her.

My question: has anyone moved with a middle schooler--particularly an only child? What has helped? How can I make this easier on her? I have to stop fretting about this, 'cause I'm losing sleep.... THANKS SO MUCH!!!
Leslie

 

[Schmeck]

I was the only child who moved in 3rd grade, 4th grade, and 9th grade - it stunk the most to move in 9th grade! My mom will tell you that I still haven't gotten over that last move, LOL! That was 30 years ago, BTW...

It's going to be tough, that's for sure. How far away are you planning to move? Can you visit the school/area before the actual move? How about looking in your local library for some age-appropriate books on the subject?

If/when you move, make sure to let your daughter keep in touch with her old friends. They could come visit over vacations, etc. I know that made me feel better.

 

[Keara'sMom]

Thanks! I don't know how far away we'll be moving--depends on dh's job prospects. It's a little easier for kids to stay in touch now with IM and email, etc, but we will certainly try to keep her current friends close to us--visits over school breaks is a great idea! My dd is a very active girl with lots of interests (music, theatre, dance, basketball), so I'm hoping that helps. She also tends to make friends easily, but I'm more concerned now that she's getting older that all she wants to do when she's home is be on the computer (we limit her time, but she'd play games and stuff on there all day if we let her). It's harder to have play dates as a middle schooler, I would think, since they don't "play" as much. Ahh, life.

 

[MeMom]

I was an Air Force "brat", so we moved a lot. I really didn't think about it when I was little, but it was hard when I was in junior high and high school. I pretty much "hated" my dad and the Air Force when we left St. Pete, Florida and my friends and boyfriend there. I didn't talk to my dad for a while, but I made new friends and had good times at Robins AFB, GA....and then, we moved again! I didn't go through the blues as badly that time, and again, you make new friends and go on with life. If I hadn't done those things then, I wouldn't be where I am now with the family I have. It will be hard on her at first, and expect some depressing and angry moments, but she'll adjust and meet new people and go on with life. One day, from wherever she ends up with her husband and kids (assuming that's what she wants) she'll look back and trace her steps, both the smooth and the rocky ones, and most likely be glad she is right where she is. Now, having said all that, and knowing it will be hard but she will adjust, I am very happy that I didn't have a job that caused me to have to move around. My kids were raised here in Tennessee, and I was glad that I didn't have to uproot them. I don't envy your position, but I would just do what you have to or need to do for the job situation and trust that she will get over her heartache in a short time and go on with a happy life. I am a teacher, and we have new kids come into our school every week. At first, they are shy and scared looking, understandably, but within days, they are happy and laughing with all the rest. Not much can make the move easier, but if it is possible, tell her that her best friend can come for visits, and she can go back to visit best friend. Make those times very memorable and special. In time, they'll very likely drift apart very naturally and it won't hurt so much. Try not to stress about it too much. I know how much you love your daughter, but I really think she'll be okay. Sorry that's so long. Does any of it help you feel better?

 

[Keara'sMom]

MeMom, Thanks for the response. Yes, it helps, especially to hear that "she'll be okay." Your comments also made me a little sad. When I was a kid, we lived in the same town from first grade on (my parents are still there, and I'm in my 40s). I just HATE to uproot dd, frankly, and my dh feels the same, although his job is becoming too much of a stressor on him and, as a result, on our family to stick with it just because our kid will be upset if we leave. You know, this is likely more than a year away (due to schedules, etc.). I have to find a way to stop stressing and live for now! Any ideas???

 

[MSSANDRA]

I would do my best to move before 6th grade starts. in most cases that is when children move to middle school and if she can start the 6th grade year in her new school it may be a lot easier as she will not be the only "NEW" kid. Lots more kids will be looking for new friends at that time.

 

[MomNeedsVacay]

As a former middle school teacher, I agree with the PP about moving before the 6th grade school year starts. She is more likely to blend in (unless its a K-8th private school). I would find out who her teachers are...the teacher can designate a "buddy" for your DD. (Trust me, every class has a nice girl who wouldn't mind showing the new girl around the school, sitting with her at lunch, introducing her to new people...the homeroom teacher would know which child that is if the school year has already begun.) Get her involved ASAP with sports, theater, or clubs to make sure she finds kids quickly with whom she can relate. Good Luck...middle school is a time FULL of changes for all kids ,,,Try not to take everything personally- this too shall pass!

 

[Keara'sMom]

Thanks, MomNeedsVacay (I love that name!). I was thinking that moving before the start of 6th grade would be a good idea, although it does stress me out a little to think of all of the kids who already have their groups (in the lunch room, for example...). I will definitely get her involved in extra-curricular activities right away wherever we are, and I'm sure she'll be okay. Actually, I'm feeling a little less stressed about the whole thing this evening and am hoping to get a better night's sleep. I guess whatever will be, will be. Thanks again to all.

 

[Kellyscrapbooks]

Thanks, MomNeedsVacay (I love that name!). I was thinking that moving before the start of 6th grade would be a good idea, although it does stress me out a little to think of all of the kids who already have their groups (in the lunch room, for example...). I will definitely get her involved in extra-curricular activities right away wherever we are, and I'm sure she'll be okay. Actually, I'm feeling a little less stressed about the whole thing this evening and am hoping to get a better night's sleep. I guess whatever will be, will be. Thanks again to all.

Thinking back, I have to agree, definatly move before 6th grade STARTS if you can. Here they merge a bunch of elementary schools at 6th grade, so there are tons of "new" kids. They are all new to each other. That would make it a lot easier on her I think.
We are moving too, just across town, but my kids are really sad to be leaving their friends too.