OT: He doesn't want more kids.. I do...

[cttjones]

So the quick version is that I thought my fellow disers could give me an objective outside opinion or enlightenment not complicated with family, friends to are partial to my situation....

My DH and I were both have one DD who is 8. Now while I am no spring chicken, I do have several good years left to still have kids. I have always wanted more than one child not only for myself, but also so my daughter would get to experience having a sibling. I have been asking for another child for about four years now, and DH will not budge. He comes up with every excuse you can imagine. I wanted my kids closer in age, and am now starting to think that I will not have anymore. This has become a major issue in my marriage. DH says that we can't afford, will have less freedom, the list goes on and on, but typically avoids the subject all together. The thing is he is a wonderful father. I could not ask for a better dad for my little girl. I don't get it. We are a happy family. DH and I love each other very much, but I feel like my marriage as hit a real hard spot. I don't know how to get past feeling like my hopes for our family are being ignored, even though I put him through college, followed him in the Marine Corps, etc. When does what matter to me start to count and matter to him?: We go to Disneyworld in two weeks for the first time, and DH even offered to foot the bill for our two nieces who couldn't otherwise go. Go guy right?

So am I missing something? Is there anyone out there who has dealt with this situation?

Thanks for letting me vent.

 

[NY Disney fan]

When it comes to kids both the husband and wife must come to an agreement. The health of your marriage must be put into consideration. Your DH is speaking loud and clear. He feels anymore will be a strain on the family and as his wife you must respect that. I think your hands are pretty much tied on this matter. But your husband sounds like a great guy! Paying for your nieces, being a great father to your child and sensitive enough to know the kind of family that would make him happy.

Having a 2nd might be important to you but you can't raise another child by yourself. You don't want a bitter husband if you find yourself pregnant.

If it helps, I also wanted a 2nd but my DH refused so my DD will be an only. But she won't be a "lonley only."

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I am sorry that you are dealing with this, but did you guys talk about this before you got married? Has he always wanted just one child but you thought he'd change his mind?

 

[myprincessgirlisa]

Ok here is my answer on why i dont want more kids & DH does:

I have been told by just about everyone i know "why I should have more children" and to this day I dont think that the answer"because she needs a sister/brother" is good enough.

I work for a psychiatrist office & i cant tell you how many parents i see that bring their kids in cause they have to many and cant control them or the parents are there cause they have to many and are stressed.....do i want that..NO

What I want is to give my child all the- time, love , support, energy, attention, fun, special moments, etc that i can give her.
Some days I feel like i dont have the time or energy for her & I feel like if i didnt give her everything i could right now, i failed as a parent. She deserves all that & more!!
Plus, i need to make sure I raise her right, cause i think there are kids out there that are just thrown in front of tv/video games so the parents can get stuff done and these poor kids are so detached from family life & some are outta control....just watch those "nanny" shows on tv!!!

I know, i know...you adjust when you have more & im not saying any of this to offend anyone or sound like a big meanie....i just wish people would sometimes understand why me/others dont want more kids......it isnt always about money.

i hope no one takes this wrong....i LOVE DD ....shes my princess girl

I hope you can work things out with DH......good luck & i wish you the best

 

[tanyaandallie]

When it comes to kids both the husband and wife must come to an agreement. The health of your marriage must be put into consideration. Your DH is speaking loud and clear. He feels anymore will be a strain on the family and as his wife you must respect that. I think your hands are pretty much tied on this matter. But your husband sounds like a great guy! Paying for your nieces, being a great father to your child and sensitive enough to know the kind of family that would make him happy.

Having a 2nd might be important to you but you can't raise another child by yourself. You don't want a bitter husband if you find yourself pregnant.

If it helps, I also wanted a 2nd but my DH refused so my DD will be an only. But she won't be a "lonley only."

While I agree that her husband is speaking loud and clear that he doesn't want another, she is speaking just as loudly and just as clearly that she does. Why are his wishes and wants more important than hers? The health of her marriage does need to be put into consideration. That does not mean forgetting her dream to have another child and giving into her husband. He needs to consider her needs as well. Both parties needs are important, one is not more important than the other. Sure you don't want him to be bitter if you get pg but you also don't want to be bitter that he never gave you the chance to add to your family.

Honestly, I don't think there is a right or wrong answer to this issue. My hubby and I are faced with it as well. I want another (or think I do) and he doesn't. I do understand all the reasoning for not having another but that doesn't stop me from wanting another.



I also don't believe that if it's an issue that you discussed before you were married that he has the right to say, well, I told you I only wanted one. Sure you talked about, but that was a long time ago. Things change. People change. I know plenty of people who said they never wanted to have kids when they got married but then as they got older changed their minds.

Have you really had a heart to heart with him and told him how important it is to have another child? If I only had one child and wanted another this is not something I would give up on easily.

 

[design_mom]

While I agree that her husband is speaking loud and clear that he doesn't want another, she is speaking just as loudly and just as clearly that she does. Why are his wishes and wants more important than hers?

I don't think his wishes are more important than hers. But I do think that when two people reach an impasse, "no" has to trump. That is -- it takes two "yesses" to move forward, but only one "no" to prevent it.

I feel for the OP... I really do. I hope if you haven't had a heart-to-heart with your DH, you do so and tell him all the things you told us. Maybe when he realizes (if he doesn't already), he'll have a change of heart. And, if not this instant, maybe in a few years.

My DH and I struggled with this same issue. I think I was more hesitant than he was (although we both liked the status quo with DS). We really wanted him to have a sibling though. We decided to go for #2. And while I love both of our children to pieces, and everyone says I'm a "great mom" and "so patient," sometimes I really do feel stretched pretty thin. Maybe your DH just knows his limit.

Kim
mom to two wonderful kids, both born in Russia and adopted as toddlers.

 

[cttjones]

I appreciate everyone's input. Yes DH and I have had a heart to heart, and he seems to go back to money most of the time. Let me be clear we have a nice life. We are not wealthy, but have a moderate income. I don't think we would be broke by any means. This is all I know.

Of course, I don't want my husband to resent me or our possible child. Personally, I am starting to think that I resent him. Like someone else said, I don't understand how his concerns are more important than mine. This is when I start to get emotional. When I think that what matters to him should matter more than me. It is like by him saying no, he gets to decide for both of us. I feel cheated. This is not an agreement between us. He just says no. Am I wrong for feeling angry about that?

 

[solgent]

I think you should go to therapy together. Have you considered this? It doesn't matter whether the question is something as important and life-altering as another child or something more trivial. You are not communicating.

He says money but that is just an excuse, because (lack of) money doesn't stop people from having children! I think-- just a guess based on the little you have said-- he has some fears that he's not expressing. That he will not love another child as much. That it will be a boy and he doesn't know how to be a good father to a boy. That your daughter will not accept a sibling and it will spoil their relationship. Who knows, it could be anything, but only if you talk about it can you maybe understand and can he maybe get reassurance and you two can get on the same page.

I think that if this is something he can not do, you will be able to accept it, but I don't think you can or should accept it based on the kind of "executive decision" he is giving you now.

 

[luckey-lasvegas]

How does your DD feel about it. My DH didn't want another one and our DD was not interested in having a sibling so I figured since I was the only one who wanted another one that I was out voted. I still regret it but I'm very happy with the one I do have .

 

[NY Disney fan]

I It is like by him saying no, he gets to decide for both of us. I feel cheated. This is not an agreement between us. He just says no. Am I wrong for feeling angry about that?

You are not wrong for being angry and you have a right to feel bitter when this is something you really want.

I'll let you in on a little secret. I had a baby 7 months ago. A beautiful baby girl who is the light of my life. I only ever wanted one baby but then when I saw how wonderful she was I desperately wanted a 2nd. I seriously consulted my husband that I wanted to plan a 2nd fairly soon (I'm in my 30's). He kept yessing me but the responsibility of our DD was great for him. He thought taking care of DD was killing him. Late nights, his free Saturdays gone, middle of the night feedings. It was totally cramping his style. We've been married for 8.5 years.

Well 2 months ago my DH left me. He picked up and said he didn't want to be married anymore. Money was a huge issue and now that the baby came along he didn't want to deal with any of it. My DH was very secretive about his money but I kept telling him that now that we have an infant, we both have to get on a budget and be accountable. He refused all the way out the door. Now he has a new girlfriend (w/two kids I might add!) so he can have his family without the responsibility.

I am now in the middle of a divorce. We were happy all along and then I had the baby (a baby he said he wanted) and now he is gone.

I tell you this because your desire to have a 2nd maybe strong, but certain consequences came come out of our desires to push. Seek a marriage councelor so your relationship with your husband can be strong and that you can really express how important your own desires are.

Edited to add: After all is said and done, I'd much rather have my infant daughter in my life than a sorry excuse for my (soon to be ex) husband.

 

[eliza61]

How many times in the history of man, have women had babies because we think "It will help the marriage" or "child should have a sibling" This has never and will never work. I work in divorce mediation and believe me it is a recipe for disaster. Every child should be a wanted child. Forget bitterness, what happens if Dh downright does not come to love the kid. (believe me, it happens-alot)

OP. I think you 2 need objective professional help and unfortunately it may well be that he will not have another child. I'll keep you in my prayers

 

[livie1205]

when i was married to my first husband(you can see where this is going) he wanted to have a another baby, we had ds now 10 ...i did not, i was not happy and wanted out of the marriage.....he was not a good man and i did not want another child to tie me to him,i love my son more than anything but i will never be free of this man, i am now married to dh... A GREAT MAN and we have a pretty little girl.now i have 2 great kids and a great marriage

 

[DisneyFanatik]

Ok here is my answer on why i dont want more kids & DH does:

I have been told by just about everyone i know "why I should have more children" and to this day I dont think that the answer"because she needs a sister/brother" is good enough.

I am sorry to disagree with you, and I am in no way attacking your personal decision but in my opinion that answer is good enough. I am an "only". Yes, growing up with all of my parents attention and energy for me alone was great. Not having other children to play with was not - I know people will say that only's have friends, cousins, etc. as playmates and that they live active social lives, but it is NOT the same as a sibling, someone who lives in the same house with you - no matter what they say. Now fast forward to adulthood.....it is not fun being an "only". I have no one that is "like" me. What I mean is that there is no one to vent to when my parents and I have disagreements (yes, I have my husband, but it is not the same), I will have no one to help me (physically, financially and most of all emotionally) as my parents age and need care. But most of all I feel bad for my kids. They are "missing" an entire half family full of aunts, uncles and cousins. My parents divorced when I was 2, so they really did not "choose" not to have more children. Now I understand that it is possible that if I did have a sibling we might not have the wonderful relationship that I dream about, but I would have someone. As for the OP's original problem, I do agree with others who say that maybe counseling for the two of you would be a good choice. You should not be denied the child that you want, but your husband should not be forced into being a father again if that is not what he wants. It just seems like a recipe for a disaster in your marriage. Maybe if you point out the things I said above to him, and tell him that it is the point of view of a 40 year old "only", he will reconsider. I wish the best of luck to you in whatever you both decide.

 

[loveysbydesign]

My dh and I went through a similiar situation except that I wanted a 3rd and he had only wanted 2. To make a long story shirt after many, many heart-to-heart discussions and after my dh saw how very sad, upset and depressed I was in regards to not having a 3rd child he finally said yes. He too had many, many excuses about why we shouldn't have a 3rd but once he realized how important it was to me he finally agreed. I think 3 was a good compromise for us as I come from a family w/6 kids and for him it is only him and his brother. He told me he loved me so much that he could never stand if I resented him for the rest if our lives. I will always remember what he said and will be extremely thankful that he allowed us to be blessed with our 3rd child who is due very soon. All I can say is that if it is that important to you try your best to help change dh's mind without being deceptive. You don't want to get pregnant by "accident" and make him angry and upset. Good luck to you and I'll keep you in my thoughts!

 

[Rob R]

It is easy to see you are in a lot of pain regarding this issue. It is my hope that you are able to overcome your pain/heartache and move forward with your family.


Someone mentioned "you have the right to be bitter"

IMHO, that only ruins your own life. Being bitter/angry/hateful/etc takes energy away from you, robbing you of happiness and fufillment.

You say he's a great guy, praise him for that and he will be better. Guys aren't that hard to figure out. Concentrate on what you have, DH, DD, and forget about what you don't. Your life will be better. Your marriage will be better, your daughter will be a better woman.

Counseling would probably help, but i'd fire any counselor who says anything along the lines of "try this to change his mind." if you are paying for the counselor, they should be teaching YOU how to work through YOUR issues, not training YOU how to manipulate people to get what YOU want.

FWIW from a stay-at-home-dad who loves both his boys and wife like crazy.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Ok here is my answer on why i dont want more kids & DH does:

I have been told by just about everyone i know "why I should have more children" and to this day I dont think that the answer"because she needs a sister/brother" is good enough.

I work for a psychiatrist office & i cant tell you how many parents i see that bring their kids in cause they have to many and cant control them or the parents are there cause they have to many and are stressed.....do i want that..NO

What I want is to give my child all the- time, love , support, energy, attention, fun, special moments, etc that i can give her.
Some days I feel like i dont have the time or energy for her & I feel like if i didnt give her everything i could right now, i failed as a parent. She deserves all that & more!!
Plus, i need to make sure I raise her right, cause i think there are kids out there that are just thrown in front of tv/video games so the parents can get stuff done and these poor kids are so detached from family life & some are outta control....just watch those "nanny" shows on tv!!!

I know, i know...you adjust when you have more & im not saying any of this to offend anyone or sound like a big meanie....i just wish people would sometimes understand why me/others dont want more kids......it isnt always about money.

i hope no one takes this wrong....i LOVE DD ....shes my princess girl

I hope you can work things out with DH......good luck & i wish you the best

I just wanted to respond for a couple of reasons.
I do not think that anyone who has more than one child is going to have to send them to a psychiatrist or call Nanny 911. Nor do I plop the kids in front of the tv/video games to get stuff done. We are a very close family and we truly enjoy our children. I know not everyone is like that but we are. I do also agree with you that not every person is capable of having more than one child. They just could not handle the chaos as they call it. I am not offended by that at all. Each person has to make the choice that will suit them best. Some people can't adjust to more than one child or even one child at all. I have also seen only children who have parents that need to get it together. (for lack of a better way of putting it) I think alot goes into deciding what the right number is for you. Having one child does not insure that she/he will be raised "right". Your "right" may not be mine. I do think that a couple needs to come to their decisions about having children together because it is not fair to the child if a parent is resentful. JMHO.

 

[NY Disney fan]

Someone mentioned "you have the right to be bitter"

IMHO, that only ruins your own life. Being bitter/angry/hateful/etc takes energy away from you, robbing you of happiness and fufillment.

Actually I said it and it was a poor choice of words. I didn't mean she should be bitter. I actually meant that her feelings and desires should matter just as his does. I do agree that bitterness destroys happiness.

 

[Tigger&Aidan]

We've been discussing having another but DH's reason for holding back is concern for my health and the health of any future kids. I had sudden, very severe high blood pressure with our DS and it resulted in him being born 10 weeks early. We've been given all the risks/potential complications but in the end, we have no way of knowing what will actually happen. We have recently decided to try for one more (if there are problems with this one, there will be no more).

I realize it's not the same situation as you, but my friend gave me some good advice. She said that if I REALLY want another, I'm never going to be happy with not having another - that in 10 years, I'll still be regretting not having another child. If in my heart, I know it's what I want, then I should try.

I would def. reccomend that you seek out a professional - I'm certain you are not the first person to go thru this. If money is an issue, maybe you could write down all the possible ways to make this happen (and still have the things you have now) and present it to DH? I hope that you both can come to an agreement that will work for you!

 

[ModestMouse]

I feel for both the OP and her husband. They sound like a loving couple and good parents who are facing a tough problem.

I know a couple who went through a similar situation--she wanted a 2nd, he absolutely refused. This was a very attentive and loving husband who basically accomodated most of her wishes and so she had trouble understanding why he didn't want another. They went to therapy and it turned out his concern was not truly financial, it was based on a difference in parenting styles. He was more strict, she was more laid-back, and that subtle, unspoken conflict was fueling his hesitation. He didn't want to say it was her parenting that made him hesitant about having a second one because he didn't want to criticize her at such a personal level. But he felt she was so laid-back in her mothering that a second child would make their house too chaotic, and he did not think she could change. They worked through their issues in therapy, both made adjustments to their parenting style to reach a level of compromise, and they did finally have a second child, much loved. And they are great parents.

My DW and I discussed this at length before we were married and decided we wanted two and only two. I said I didn't want to be outnumbered. Also, twins run in her family--I think if we'd tried for a third we might have gotten a fourth as well.

His objections really may be financial, or they may not be. He may simply not feel up to being a dad to two, no matter how great a dad he is or how kid-friendly he is (being so generous to his nieces). I really hope the OP and her husband will consider therapy to help them each work through their issues with this and just as importantly, understand truly where the other is coming from.

 

[Hope73]

This is something you must agree on.

If it is a no I am an only child and never regretted it. I actually liked it.

I would seek a professional opinion. Having a third party just helps.