OT: Having some issues with 4 y.o. son

[nessz79]

Hello everyone- not sure what to think. I have an older son, age 5, but he's so totally different so I have nothing to compare my 4 y.o. to.

Our DS 4 is wonderful in most every way...key word, most . He's very outgoing and social, compassionate, and caring. Sometimes he goes through weeks or months of behaving himself very, very well with no problems at all at school and very few at home. And then he goes through phases that can last weeks or sometimes more where he is very impulsive, loud, and overly assertive. What I mean by overly assertive is bossing other children around (seemingly excessively), pushing children out of his way, and sometimes talking back at home. The teachers have noticed the same thing. He was doing great and then all of a sudden he gets into this phase. It's been going on for 2 weeks and we work with him. We do time outs, positive reinforcements, etc, etc. We try to be very consistent, but it seems like he just can't control himself sometimes.

I don't think it's food allergies/sensitivities because he goes months just fine and he hasn't had anything different. I don't think it's early ADD because he's very bright and can focus on academics, etc just fine.

Could it be growth spurts? Do children's hormone levels get out of whack like teenagers? Sometimes it seems like he has a surge of testosterone because all his behaviors are very testosterone-like...

I'm clueless. I've ordered Raising Cain as I've heard great things about it.

We pride ourselves on being a household that teaches their children to be respectful of authority, but I don't want to break his spirit either.

Anyone have any experience or suggestions?

 

[Luv Bunnies]

Hmmm. I would suspect growth spurts could be the cause since you said these behaviorial problems seem to come in spurts. I don't know anything about hormone levels in kids that young but that might be a question for your pediatrician.

I work with preschool-age kids and we sometimes see behaviorial changes that come and go. My class is special ed but the behavior-management techniques are the same.

I would recommend keeping the same exact schedule and routines with him all the time regardless of whether he's in a good phase or a naughty phase. Rules should be enforced the same no matter what. Sometimes we get into a situation with our students that's similar. They start out with poor behavior. We use a strict, no-nonsense approach to let them know what is and what isn't acceptable in our classroom. The behavior improves. We start to back off and then the poor behavior returns. Then we know that the child isn't ready for us to lighten up yet.

For kids who need behavior management, we decide which behavior to target first. If there's hitting or pushing or anything else that could hurt another child, we target that first. We watch for the target behavior very carefully and immediately call them on it if it happens. They'll be removed from the situation and placed in time-out and reminded that the behavior is not acceptable. If it happens on the playground, they are taken inside. If it happens at free-play, they are removed from the toy area. They usually get the message fairly quickly that pushing/hitting isn't allowed. But if we back off too quickly or let an incident slip by us, the behavior might start to increase again. After we think we have the target behavior under control, we might move to less serious things like leaving their chair during circle time or refusing to pick up toys.

So I think I would start there -using consistency for these behaviors. The minute they escalate, use swift and decisive punishment such as taking away a favorite toy for a period of time or taking away TV time. And just as importantly, try to catch him doing something good and reward him for that.

And don't worry about breaking his spirit. I think that "spirit" and "behavior" are two different things. A spirited child is active, inquisitive and engaged. You can weed out the poor behavior and leave the spirit intact. Hope this is helpful.

 

[nessz79]

That's what we're trying to do...just being consistent. But it doesn't instantly solve the situation, which I guess can get frustrating like what you're doing isn't working.

Thanks- it helps to have some reassurance. It's hard for me to do know what's "normal"- I never had brothers growing up. The oldest is very quiet, reserved, etc. and has never had any behavior issues at school.

 

[ALittleDisneyFan]

I'm not sure. I wish I could be more help. My DD who is 2 goes through this. Most of the time she is acting out when she doesn't get enough attention or something is stressful in her life.

 

[quasar4legs]

Is he getting enough sleep?
Our son at the same age would have much more challenging behaviour when his sleep patterns were disrupted.

Just a thought.
Trish

 

[nessz79]

Is he getting enough sleep?
Our son at the same age would have much more challenging behaviour when his sleep patterns were disrupted.

Just a thought.
Trish

That could be. He gets about 11 hours of sleep at night, but has stopped napping (which is part of the problem at preschool) and he always used to nap. I would think 11 hours would be enough for him, but maybe not?

 

[Yen Sid]

My soon to be 4 year old son is the same way, we say to ourselves that he is Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. He can be overly sweet one minute, explode into a tirade the next and then be fine again , it's like flipping a light switch or something.

 

[Mom2apirate]

We were having the same problem with our ds 4 also. Most of the time he is an angel but he'll get it to ruts where we are wondering who is this kid. We tried cutting out naps that made it worse. After discussing it with a friend who is a nurse she thought it might be his blood sugar levels. Sure enough we started to document his tantrums and they coincided with his eating habits. Now I'm not a big fan of snacking for children. I think it creates bad eating habits but, you need to do what works. So now as soon as he gets home for morning Pre-K I give him a piece of fruit or glass of juice. In a pinch gum works well (Just not the sugarless kind). This has really helped us a lot. Also I believe there is test that your doctor can do (We haven't done it though).

 

[LadyShea]

My almost 3 year old definitely has blood sugar level issues. Rather than 3 meals, we let him eat healthy snacks every few hours to keep his levels even

 

[RN01]

My DD turns into a monster when she doesn't get enough sleep.

 

[eeyorefan74]

I could have written this same post earlier this week, after a conversation with DD7's teacher. Her whole life it seems like she's gone through phases like this, and I do think the worst was around your DS's age, especially for talking back and pushing limits. Just when I think I can't take anymore, she straightens up and does great for a while. She sounds just like your DS- very bright and inquisitive, outgoing and kindhearted. DD is not at all intimidated by adults, so she sometimes doesn't understand the need to keep her mouth shut and not speak out whenever she has something to tell her teacher. She's also very much a leader, and does tend to tell the other kids what to do at times.

Like PP's have said, we have noticed that lack of sleep makes a difference with her, as does low blood sugar when she hasn't eaten anything substantial for a while. Other than that, we just try to hang in there and be consistent with taking away toys or activities when she misbehaves. We did a sticker system for a while, where she'd get a sticker each day her behavior was good, and then got to pick out a prize when she had a certain number of stickers. We also try to catch her being good and praise her, and her teachers have tried to do the same thing. I definitely don't have all the answers for you, but I do share your feelings about not crushing their spirits. Lots of the characteristics that get her into trouble now will be assets later on, and I don't want her to lose those, just to be able to have the self-control to hold them in check. Good luck and let me know if you find something that works!

 

[nessz79]

I could have written this same post earlier this week, after a conversation with DD7's teacher. Her whole life it seems like she's gone through phases like this, and I do think the worst was around your DS's age, especially for talking back and pushing limits. Just when I think I can't take anymore, she straightens up and does great for a while. She sounds just like your DS- very bright and inquisitive, outgoing and kindhearted. DD is not at all intimidated by adults, so she sometimes doesn't understand the need to keep her mouth shut and not speak out whenever she has something to tell her teacher. She's also very much a leader, and does tend to tell the other kids what to do at times.

Like PP's have said, we have noticed that lack of sleep makes a difference with her, as does low blood sugar when she hasn't eaten anything substantial for a while. Other than that, we just try to hang in there and be consistent with taking away toys or activities when she misbehaves. We did a sticker system for a while, where she'd get a sticker each day her behavior was good, and then got to pick out a prize when she had a certain number of stickers. We also try to catch her being good and praise her, and her teachers have tried to do the same thing. I definitely don't have all the answers for you, but I do share your feelings about not crushing their spirits. Lots of the characteristics that get her into trouble now will be assets later on, and I don't want her to lose those, just to be able to have the self-control to hold them in check. Good luck and let me know if you find something that works!

Thanks so much- that describes my son to a T! He doesn't really "get" some social things like not talking to every stranger he meets and loudly asking them questions, etc. It's a work in progress!