OT: Firing a babysitter

[SEA333]

Hi All,

I apologize that this is way OT, but I just needed some advice. I will be firing my before/after school babysitter tomorrow, and I am not sure the best way to go about it. Here are some pertinent details:

1. She runs a daycare from her home...we met about 2 years ago when my youngest was in Kindergarten with her only. She started watching my kids before/after school just over a year ago.

2. I paid her $30/day for DH to drop them off 5 minutes before she took them to school (most of the time literally met them in the driveway), and she picked them up from school, along with her son, at 3:05pm, and kept them until about 5pm. Sometimes she would give them a snack, sometimes not. Her son was able to eat anything he wanted, but my kids were told that his food was his "lunch snacks" so they couldn't have any. She would always give them *something* if they asked, so...whatever. No big deal.

3. Babysitter's DS was allowed to have the rule "My room, My Rules" and got to dictate what my kids played with and what they did for the afternoon. Again...whatever. Bigger things to worry about, right?

4. I paid over $6000 in daycare to her last year. I just assumed that, because she ran this business well before I even met her, that she would provide me a tax statement at the end of the year for tax purposes. She did not, and when I asked for it, she was VERY upset and told me that nobody has EVER asked her for that before, and since she doesn't charge the going rate (????? I pay her the equivilant of $15/hour!!!), she doesn't feel she needs to.

Also, babysitter calls me at work at least once a week and asks if she can drop the kids off after school because she made a Dr. appt for her son at 3:30pm, or she needs to do errands, etc. I used to pay her for those days, but I started only paying partial since she wasn't watching them! DS14 ended up being the babysitter whenever she dropped them off early, and I started to feel like she was taking advantage of the fact that I was OK with her doing it in emergency situations, but not every WEEK!!

And, I have always paid her for any day that I cancelled on the spur of the moment - like if I got off work early or one of the kids were sick, etc, even though she never said I had to. I did not pay her for days off "in advance" per our agreement.

5. I told her that I was not aware that this was an under-the-table agreement, and I needed it for proof that I paid daycare fees with my Flex-spending Dependant care account.

6. She reluctantly gave mer her SSI #, but not until after she threatened, and I quote "If the IRS comes after me next year, I will be calling you first and I will NOT be very happy"

7. That was at 7pm. The next morning at 6:50am, she texted me and said that she can watch them the rest of this year, but I will need to find someone else for the summer and next year because she is going to get a job ad "get out of this babysitting thing", but still wants the boys to be friends and have playdates and everything.

DH and I decided that, because DS14 is home after school, and the younger two are 10 and 8 years old, that we will just pay the $120 for the bus for the rest of the year and have them just come home. it was either that or pay her $50/week to bring them to school and home right after, and have DS14 there, and DH thought it was stupid to pay someone $200/month to transport our kids when there is a bus stop at the corner (3 houses down) that, at this point in the year, is only $120 for the rest of the year.

So, I need to tell the babysitter that we will be putting the kids on the bus starting Tuesday, I would have liked to give her more notice, but we just got the "approval" that everything is set for the kids to start on Tuesday, and I didn't want her to all of the sudden have "things come up" this week where she couldn't take them.

I just don't know what to say! I do not want to be confrontational, especially since the boys are still best friends, but I kind of want her to know that I did not appreciate her threat about the IRS or her extemporaneous text 12 hours later that she wouldn't watch my kids anymore. I admit I am "kind of" angry, but really just relieved that they will be home after school and I will be saving a lot of money and will not have to do this again next year. Ugh. I am SOOOO glad my kids are getting older!!!

Thoughts on how to break the news to babysitter? The kids are off Monday for Presidents Day, so after tomorrow, we will not need her any more.

TIA!

 

[livndisney]

Hi All,

I apologize that this is way OT, but I just needed some advice. I will be firing my before/after school babysitter tomorrow, and I am not sure the best way to go about it. Here are some pertinent details:

1. She runs a daycare from her home...we met about 2 years ago when my youngest was in Kindergarten with her only. She started watching my kids before/after school just over a year ago.

2. I paid her $30/day for DH to drop them off 5 minutes before she took them to school (most of the time literally met them in the driveway), and she picked them up from school, along with her son, at 3:05pm, and kept them until about 5pm. Sometimes she would give them a snack, sometimes not. Her son was able to eat anything he wanted, but my kids were told that his food was his "lunch snacks" so they couldn't have any. She would always give them *something* if they asked, so...whatever. No big deal.

3. Babysitter's DS was allowed to have the rule "My room, My Rules" and got to dictate what my kids played with and what they did for the afternoon. Again...whatever. Bigger things to worry about, right?

4. I paid over $6000 in daycare to her last year. I just assumed that, because she ran this business well before I even met her, that she would provide me a tax statement at the end of the year for tax purposes. She did not, and when I asked for it, she was VERY upset and told me that nobody has EVER asked her for that before, and since she doesn't charge the going rate (????? I pay her the equivilant of $15/hour!!!), she doesn't feel she needs to.

Also, babysitter calls me at work at least once a week and asks if she can drop the kids off after school because she made a Dr. appt for her son at 3:30pm, or she needs to do errands, etc. I used to pay her for those days, but I started only paying partial since she wasn't watching them! DS14 ended up being the babysitter whenever she dropped them off early, and I started to feel like she was taking advantage of the fact that I was OK with her doing it in emergency situations, but not every WEEK!!

And, I have always paid her for any day that I cancelled on the spur of the moment - like if I got off work early or one of the kids were sick, etc, even though she never said I had to. I did not pay her for days off "in advance" per our agreement.

5. I told her that I was not aware that this was an under-the-table agreement, and I needed it for proof that I paid daycare fees with my Flex-spending Dependant care account.

6. She reluctantly gave mer her SSI #, but not until after she threatened, and I quote "If the IRS comes after me next year, I will be calling you first and I will NOT be very happy"

7. That was at 7pm. The next morning at 6:50am, she texted me and said that she can watch them the rest of this year, but I will need to find someone else for the summer and next year because she is going to get a job ad "get out of this babysitting thing", but still wants the boys to be friends and have playdates and everything.

DH and I decided that, because DS14 is home after school, and the younger two are 10 and 8 years old, that we will just pay the $120 for the bus for the rest of the year and have them just come home. it was either that or pay her $50/week to bring them to school and home right after, and have DS14 there, and DH thought it was stupid to pay someone $200/month to transport our kids when there is a bus stop at the corner (3 houses down) that, at this point in the year, is only $120 for the rest of the year.

So, I need to tell the babysitter that we will be putting the kids on the bus starting Tuesday, I would have liked to give her more notice, but we just got the "approval" that everything is set for the kids to start on Tuesday, and I didn't want her to all of the sudden have "things come up" this week where she couldn't take them.

I just don't know what to say! I do not want to be confrontational, especially since the boys are still best friends, but I kind of want her to know that I did not appreciate her threat about the IRS or her extemporaneous text 12 hours later that she wouldn't watch my kids anymore. I admit I am "kind of" angry, but really just relieved that they will be home after school and I will be saving a lot of money and will not have to do this again next year. Ugh. I am SOOOO glad my kids are getting older!!!

Thoughts on how to break the news to babysitter? The kids are off Monday for Presidents Day, so after tomorrow, we will not need her any more.

TIA!

I would simply explain the arrangement is not working for anyone and starting Tuesday you have made a change.

 

[Camshell]

I paid about $20 a day per kid to go to an out-of school care club that also buses them in the morning to the school. That included morning care and after school care until 5:30 at night, and a snack provided by them. We did not have any of the issues you speak of as it was an actual child care business that did not cancel, etc.

I personally would not be comfortable with the situation you describe and the costs. It sounds like you are getting the short end of the stick. I would feel fine ending the relationship as you describe it.

I'd just let her know it isn't working out for you as you need more consistent afterschool care, and you need to make other arrangements.

 

[tms295psu]

I would simply call her and say that you will no longer need her to babysit. If she questions why just say its no longer in your family budget and leave it at that.

A family on our street asked us to watch their child before afternoon kindergarten 2 days a week. They agreed to pay $15 per day he was here 4 hrs each day, breakfast and lunch. It has since turned into them dropping their child off anytime the school has a delay (extra hour each time) to them showing up 10 minutes late at the bus stop a least once a week, to asking if he can stay occasionally after school for an hour (occasionally turned into 2 times a week) all with no extra pay. I finally told them anything over and above the 8 hours a week and occasional snow delays I would charge them per hour extra. Not that I was looking for more money but to get there attention that a neighborly favor has since turned into "I'm being taken advantage of..." They seemed shocked that I asked for more money!

 

[MSSANDRA]

I would call and tell her that her comment about the tax situation made you realize this is not working for either of you any more. End of discussion.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

"I've made other arrangements" is all you need to say. If she inquires, let her know that your son can handle it now that he's 14.

 

[bumbershoot]

The tax thing...wow. That would be the end of it for me, definitely!

 

[MandiC]

Wow :-/ I agree, tell her you have made other arrangements. That is all she really needs to know but if she asks further you could tell her that you aren't comfortable with the tax situation or the cost.

 

[SEA333]

Thank you for the replies. I like just saying "we have made other arrangements" and leaving it at that, but I feel like I owe her a little more of an explanation, so I will say that, and after talking to DH last night, he thought another good thing to say could be: "Because we need to make other arrangements next year, we need to get them on the bus for the rest of this year to make sure it will work out. If we find the bus and coming home isn't working, we will need time to look at other options."

I think she will be OK with this because in our district, we need to decide on the bus in May because they can fill up (luckily the route 4 that we are on is not full this year, but route 2 and 5 are, according to the bus garage). Our town library also provides a free after school program until 6pm, but if you do not register literally the second registration opens, the 24 spots fill up, and that is also in May. The other option, if the bus doesn't work out, is fee-based after-school programs, and registration starts for those in May as well, so we really need to know if this bus-coming-home-after-school situation is going to work.

OK...not that I have justified this - at least in my head! LOL - what is the appropriate way to contact babysitter? Phone, in person, or is a text OK? 90% of our communication is in text, the other 10% is phone. We chit-chat when I pick the kids up unless I am in a hurry to get them somewhere, which is about 3X a week minimum!

 

[Gumbo4x4]

In person, next time you are there.

 

[kiramay]

I'd call to let her know immediately. Tuesday isn't that far away.

 

[Imhere]

You have trusted your kids to her every day for over a year.

At one time you must have appreciated and trusted her.

Things happen that cause relationships, both work and personal, to fall apart.

I'd throw out the very recent disagreement, give her a weeks pay, and tell her that for various reasons you have decided to take a different path with the kids babysitting.

 

[aaarcher86]

I don't think she's owed an explanation. I'd also be prepared for her to possible give the guilt trip of depending on the money.

We had a similar situation with a sitter who gave us an ultimatum of more money or to find someone else. When we decided to go with the latter she made a huge stink about needing the money! I guess she didn't think we'd take her up on it!

 

[bumbershoot]

I was thinking about this last night, and while the tax thing really would bug me, it would have *been* bugging me that her son was treated so much differently. I mean, I get that it has to be weird to have your kid in your house AND have other kids that you are being paid to watch. But a professional person would have set up some boundaries, I think.

When DS was little I considered having other kids in to bring in some money, but I like to think I would have set up some boundaries. ONLY toys that are for everyone would be out, NO personal toys at all. No one would be able to go to DS's room at all, and he wouldn't have been able to bring anything out. If the kids wanted to play like they were on an unpaid visit, well that would need to happen on an unpaid visit, not on the parents' paid time.

So I think it would bug me that the boy has gotten such different treatment. Or maybe that the expectations weren't clearly and professionally laid out. Snacks or no snacks? On time or late? etc etc. For me this would have been in the works for awhile, I think.



Since it sounds like maybe this was a friend situation to begin with, you don't want to totally burn bridges by blasting her with your issues. So I'd just keep it as short as possible. Is your husband less nervous about talking to her and ending the professional relationship? If so, maybe have him do it?

 

[Claire&TheBoys]

I would just say, "Since we were going to have to make other arrangements for the summer and next year, we decided to go ahead and do it now, so everyone has time to get used to it." I don't think you owe her any other explanation beyond that.

The IRS will most definitely be "adjusting" her tax return if you claim the dependent care credit on your return with her SSN and if she doesn't claim the income.

 

[craftymissbeth]

I own a home daycare and legally providers do not have to give clients any tax information unless the client provides a W-10 form. If you give her a W-10 then she has to fill it out. Now, keep in mind that a W-10 doesn't even have a space to put the amount you paid. So legally, providers do not have to provide the total that you paid for the year. If you haven't been keeping track then you can check your bank statements.

Now even though she doesn't have to give you a total for the year, she would be smart to. If she doesn't then you can claim whatever total you want (not that you would) and she would be the one who would have to prove it in an audit.

HTH

 

[sookie]

Get her to fill out your flex information up until this week, so you have it for your 2014 taxes.
Then fire her.

 

[SEA333]

You have trusted your kids to her every day for over a year.

At one time you must have appreciated and trusted her.

Things happen that cause relationships, both work and personal, to fall apart.

I'd throw out the very recent disagreement, give her a weeks pay, and tell her that for various reasons you have decided to take a different path with the kids babysitting.

I still trust her to take care of the kids as she has been doing all year - there have been things I haven't liked, but I never thought they wouldn't be safe in her care. But because of the issues that my kids have complained about (the snacks, the toys, the "my stuff, my rules" issue, there have been seating issues in the car like babysitters son being allowed to call "shotgun" (meaning the middle seat in their Tahoe between the baby carseats) the second he wakes up instread of waiting for my kids to get there and making it fair, the weekly "emergencies" that cause her to not be able to watch my kids without notice - this is all stuff that makes me not want to continue with the arrangement after the issue with the taxes and her knee-jerk response 12 hours later that she will not watch them after the end of the year.

I like the idea of giving her the week's pay since it is very late notice. My big concern is that meeting her on the street or at the school/birthday parties/etc won't be awkward or uncomfortable, even though we are not exactly friends per se, but our son's are good friends and they will be going to school in our very small school district for the next ten years together.

 

[SEA333]

I was thinking about this last night, and while the tax thing really would bug me, it would have *been* bugging me that her son was treated so much differently. I mean, I get that it has to be weird to have your kid in your house AND have other kids that you are being paid to watch. But a professional person would have set up some boundaries, I think.

When DS was little I considered having other kids in to bring in some money, but I like to think I would have set up some boundaries. ONLY toys that are for everyone would be out, NO personal toys at all. No one would be able to go to DS's room at all, and he wouldn't have been able to bring anything out. If the kids wanted to play like they were on an unpaid visit, well that would need to happen on an unpaid visit, not on the parents' paid time.

So I think it would bug me that the boy has gotten such different treatment. Or maybe that the expectations weren't clearly and professionally laid out. Snacks or no snacks? On time or late? etc etc. For me this would have been in the works for awhile, I think.



Since it sounds like maybe this was a friend situation to begin with, you don't want to totally burn bridges by blasting her with your issues. So I'd just keep it as short as possible. Is your husband less nervous about talking to her and ending the professional relationship? If so, maybe have him do it?

Yes, it does bug me that she openly favors her son when my kids are there. I didn't want to focus on that in my original post, but yes, this is a big topic with us every day having to explain to my kids in a nice way that he is kind of spoiled and gets a lot of things and attention because that is how his parents want to raise him, and we choose not to.

I ran a daycare at home when my kids were little and I never allowed my kids to eat, play, or do things in front of the daycare kids that I wouldn't let everyone do. Because all of my full-time DC kids were always younger than my oldest, his room was closed to everyone. Nobody was allowed in there while eh was at school (honestly, mostly for safety reasons like legos, marbles, etc being available). But when DS came home from Kindergarten/1st grade, he and the older after-school kids were allowed to play in his room. In DD's room, I had all of the toys/etc and there was NOTHING off limits except for DD's bunny and a doll that she got from her Grandma - nobody played with the doll, even DD, and her bunny was her "lovey" so honestly, nobody *wanted* to play with that yucky thing anyway LOL

Same with food....they ALL got the same lunch and snacks every day. I did have snacks and special treats for our family that I did not offer during the day, but NOBODY got them, not even my kids. They ate exactly what everyone else ate - no special treatment for anyone in my house. All the rules were the same for each age group.

Babysitters son is allowed to do pretty much whatever he wants, and gets to make the rules on just about everything. She justifies it by saying that she is not going to treat him any different than she would if she didn't do daycare because her choice of how she earns a living should not affect him. So he eats his chips and cookies in front of my kids, plays with his toys or doesn't want anyone to play with his toys, tells the kids what they can do in his room, etc. She also shops while the kids are at school and buys toys and stuff for her son that she gives him in front of my kids. This is all, while not ACCEPTABLE to me, tolerated, because she does do a good job for the most part and they like her. I don't think she is trying to be mean to my kids, I really just think that she is (in a nice way) being ignorant to the fact that she really doesn't realize that it makes my kids feel bad. So, I have always forgiven her and used those moments as teaching opportunities for my kids to realize that life will not always be fair and that they need to focus on the good things they get to do and have. And, I have always asked my kids whether these things bothered them enough to not want to go there, and they ALWAYS say no...that they love Ms. Babysitter and want to keep going.

But now, I think she is really mad about this tax thing, and I am just wary enough that she will take it out on my kids, and I really do not want to put them in that situation. This is the biggest reason we have made the switch to the bus. Not to mention that it is cheaper for me - daycare at this point in our lives is really a luxury, budget-wise, since my kids are perfectly able to come home and take care of themselves with their big brother in the house, for an hour and a half after school until I get home. (I have reasons and issues with putting an older sibling in charge of younger siblings for reasons that go back to my childhood - my mother left us when I was about 12 and I was put in the situation where I raised my younger siblings from that point on while my dad worked 12-14 hour days, so I have always put my younger kids in daycare even when DS14 was old enough to watch them. Now, even though I would have liked to just finish out the schoolyear, DH and I feel they are old enough to watch themselves and just have him there to oversee in case there is a problem)

Babysitter and I didn''t really start out as friends, per se...our kids hit it off in Kindergarten, and when I needed a new daycare arrangement last year, I approached her. We were invited to her son's family birthday party last summer, but other than that, we have never spent time together or really ever talk other than when I am picking the kids up. We have certainly always been friendly, but I wouldn't really say we are friends. However, I do not need an enemy LOL, and since our boys will be together in school until they graduate HS in 10 years, I really don't want to feel uncomfortable around her - we live in a small village even though we live in the huge west Chicago Suburbs, and we only have one elementary school, one middle school and one high school, and they are all relatively small (under 1500 kids in the HS, and only 350 kids in the middle school), so since we are both pretty involved with our kids and the school/sports/etc, our paths are going to cross often.

Thanks for your input!!! I appreciate it!!

 

[squirrel]

Sounds like you aren't paying your oldest in this new arrangement (not saying you should).

Since you are saving $ will you be saving that extra for a Disney trip or some other fun activity?

If so you could do a weekly/monthly tally of the money saved for (Disney). It might make the kids get along in that 1.5hrs knowing that they are saving for a goal.