OT: Favorite Child?

[DisneyMommyMichelle]

Hi all! i have a dilemma. My family is constantly buying my Dd stuff which is fine with me, but they rarely get my DS anything. Or if they do it's just something that can easily be discarded like a mcdonalds happy meal toy or something like that KWIM?

They say it's b/c my son is only a baby (5months) and there is nothing to buy for him, BUT when DD was born they bought her all kinds of stuff all the time. This really bothers me, should it? What could i do?

Thanks!

 

[tmt martins]

Take what you can get and Teach DD how to share with BB everything works out hreat.

 

[Whosemom]

Right now everywhere you go, the baby gets all the attention, right? The groceries, the mall whatever. "What a cute baby, how old is he?" etc etc. And once in awhile someone throws you dd a bone "oh, and of course a beautiful big sister" in a patronizing tone?

Let your wise familiy make up the difference. I bet they give him plenty of love, just not stuff, and when he can play with stuff, they'll get them more equal, I bet.

The other thing is this, from the mom of a girl-girl-then-boy. The clothes aren't as cute. The girl stuff makes you want to pretty much dress the dolly, but the boy clothes are just small bigger boy stuff. Shoot, even my kids are always wishing we had someone to buy "that cute little dress" for, but you never hear that passing the boy stuff.

 

[mom2alix]

Look at it this way, you say they bought DD tons of toys when she was that little. They probably expect that you still have all those baby toys and they've been passed down, which doesn't leave a lot to get for DS that he doesn't already have.

I had this problem myself. Trying to keep things even last Christmas was really hard as DS was still in baby toys and we already had everything so finding anything new was hard. There is only so much variety in toys for the under 2 crowd.

Now that DS is getting older, he's starting to want trucks, etc. that DD didn't really have too many of so it's much easier. He's really got the best of both worlds, he gets to play with her kitchen, Little Ponies, etc. and STILL gets to get trucks, race cars,and boyish stuff all his own.

If your family is still doing this when he's old enough to notice, you might have a problem, but for right now I wouldn't worry too much about it.

 

[my3kidsmom]

I'm sure they aren't playing favorites--just being practical. It's always fun to buy for the first one in the family because they don't have anything really. But, now you probably have tons of baby stuff and anything bought for your ds will just be added to the pile. But, your dd is old enough to ooh and aah over whatever she gets, so your family gets alot of enjoyment from buying for her. As soon as your ds is old enough to show excitement (and notice) I'm sure your family will begin buying equally for both children.

We have been through this! We are now expecting our 4th child. My first dd was completely spoiled rotten, so I actually appreciate them laying off the gifts a little with each subsequent child.

 

[DisneyMommyMichelle]

thanks so much i'm feeling a lot better about this

 

[lnh'smom]

OH! When I saw this, I just have to tell you my story! DH and I get so mad!! Although I am talking about Great Grandparents and great grandchild vs grandparents. My husband's mother's parents are AWFUL!! Little background, family is pretty close, grandparents and g-grandparents live very close to each other. All 4 fams live within 15min. All go to same church, kids all in same school (church school!) For some reason, my kids aren't the special ones. DNep spends3 full days a week at g-grandparents. (now to be called GG) my kids, never. GG constanly hover over DN. He gets hurt, it's all my DS fault, whether he was standing near there or not. DS's 3rd birthday, got a baseball mitt, DN got one too. DN 3rd b-day (they are 5 months apart) he got new shoes and new big truck, DS got nothing. DS's 4th birthday, he got a new backpack for school. GG tried to buy one for DN but DMIL wouldn't let her. Come to find out, GG went back later and got one for DN. I know it is the thought that counts but DS 5th B-day - $12 toy, one for DN too. DN 5th B-day $85 worth of toys. About a month ago, GG took DN to zoo, didn't take my kids. There have been numerous blowups but they never change. now instead of rubbing it in our faces, they just try to hide it. We always find out. And yes, my kids do know what is going on. What am I to tell them when they ask why GG took DN to zoo and not them? Another time at church GG told a friend of his that they had bought a big outside toy for "J"(DN) and his cousins. Not for his ggk, not for all 3 kids by name, Just "J" and his cousins. Maybe he doesn't consider my kids his ggk? Anyways, the big toy at GG's house is now known as "J's" toy. All 3 kids love to go to the local mall. GG will sit and wait for hours on a Friday night to see if DN shows up with his Mom. Pretty pathetic. I could go on and on and on, but you get the point. We just have learned to try and distance ourselves from GG as we can. not so easy for you since it is 2 kids in same immediate fam. Didn't mean to totally go off and vent. This is your post, just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone.

 

[susykt4]

I also had/have this problem. DD5 was the first grandchild and was and still is spoiled to death. When I announced my pregnancy with DS now 3 my mother acted like I was evil for messing up DD's life with a baby. For months after my wonderful, adorable son was born, good old mom actually shuddered every time she saw him. She brought all kinds of gifts for DD but never anything for DS. When my parents went on trips they'd bring back a jillion gifts for DD and literally nothing for DS. I finally got so upset about the whole situation I talked to my dad about it. He had been oblivious to the whole thing and started making sure DS was treated more equally.

DS is now 3 1/2 and the kids are treated equally in the gift department. My mom would still rather not babysit both kids or take both on outings. She usually takes only DD. My dad usually takes both or just DS. It's weird and annoying, but at least mom's come around enough that DS will never realize how UNfavored he was

I can certainly understand how bad it makes YOU feel. It sounds like your parents are less nutty than mine and they will almost certainly come around once your son is a bit older and actually playing with toys or appreciating gifts. Plus, nobody ever warns you about the difference between baby #1 where you are showered with attention, gifts, meals, help, etc. and baby #2 where the birth is treated like an everyday occurence. (Even though #2 is obviously just as special to YOU.)

 

[Mouse House Mama]

This is not to be rude or anything- but if you think that your 3+ year olds don't know that they aren't as well liked you are wrong. My Grandmother did not like my sister from the time she was born. Can't imagine what a baby can possibly do that a grandparent doesn't like a grandchild but that was the case. We lived upstairs from them and my Grandmother ONLY always gave my sister a hard time and she always knew grandma didn't like her. We no longer talk to grandma (for a host of reasons). I know many will wonder why our parents didn't say anything but there were alot of very stressful and tragic things going on in our family so they did the best they could. We don't hold them responsible. On the other hand grandpa loved us both the same and was great to us. (Grandma did like me- after all, I was named after her!) I am not saying this to start any trouble but kids do pick up on things from very young. My sister and I used to laugh to each other about it but I am sure that deep down it hurt my sister because after all, who wants someone not to like them? Especially grandma! JMHO.

 

[DisneyMommyMichelle]

thank you everyone for the responses. It does hurt me cause my boy is just as special, but i guess you are right, the second child is just that another baby to other people.. thanks again!

 

[sara74]

A little late to the game here...but we face the same thing in our family. DD4 was so welcomed by the IL's. Then when I was expecting DS2 MIL told me "I hope that is a girl you are having, I will be so disappointed if you have a boy" Then, I was not even PG with #3 yet and MIL told DD (who was 3 at the time and begging for a little sister) that she totally understood and she would be mad at me too if I had another baby boy. Pretty bad when the MIL stoops to the level of the 3 yo! Even when I think she is a pretty mature child! Check out my signature and you will see I am disappointing the ILs again! DS will be born in July. And this time I might just get the nerve to ask her how disappointing he is when she holds him for the first time!

 

[ENSOCK]

I just had to post...My FIL just ignores all of his gks. He remarried and lives not 5 min. from my dad and 15 min. from us. He has no clue about my kids or nieces and nephews. We went to the ballpark the other day and my ds6 said "Look mommy paw-paw came to watch me play". I did not have the heart to tell him that he was there to watch his step grandchild on the team that we were playing against. I just smiled and said that's great baby, while inside I was burning up.
Everyday I thank God that my Dad loves his all of his grandkids. He calls my boys every night and sometimes 3 to 4 times during the day. He calls each of his grandkids just as much. We are blessed to have him as a Father and grandfather.
So good luck in dealing with your family and hopefully your son will not be dismissed once he gets older.

 

[DisneyMommyMichelle]

Thnk you Ensock! and congrats to you Sara74!!!

 

[Stephres]

My first inclination is that you are overreacting but after reading the replies it does look like something you should keep an eye on. My grandmother favored my sister and it caused a lot of tension between us and I think it is the reason we are not as close as adults. I'm not sure the best way to handle it when the kids get older (although there are some good ideas here) but ignoring it like my parents did is not the way to go, LOL! Good luck.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

A little late to the game here...but we face the same thing in our family. DD4 was so welcomed by the IL's. Then when I was expecting DS2 MIL told me "I hope that is a girl you are having, I will be so disappointed if you have a boy" Then, I was not even PG with #3 yet and MIL told DD (who was 3 at the time and begging for a little sister) that she totally understood and she would be mad at me too if I had another baby boy. Pretty bad when the MIL stoops to the level of the 3 yo! Even when I think she is a pretty mature child! Check out my signature and you will see I am disappointing the ILs again! DS will be born in July. And this time I might just get the nerve to ask her how disappointing he is when she holds him for the first time!

You are a good woman. I would have ripped her a new you know what if she said something so mean to my daughter and to me. I'm just curious about what your dh thinks about all of it? Anway- I am happy you are having another baby! Congrats! I have 2 boys and a girl and it is so great! Children are a miracle and should be celebrated. Don't let the anyone ruin the fun.

 

[emma'smom]

My in-laws just seem to not really be all that interested in my children at all. Last Christmas they just announced "No gifts for anyone this year! There too young to notice." My older dd was 3 1/2. She did notice.......but wasn't too upset because both of my dd's are treated so lovely by my parents (who believe in sending all of their grandchildren a reasonable equivalent amount of gifts...give or take depending on sales, needs of each child, etc). We try to tell my parents that they don't need to stress so much about being "super fair" (my mom will buy an "extra gift" to even things out). I really think it is a lot more about the "thought". If the gift is inexpensive, but the thought is genuine...we have enough toys around here to open our own toy store.

It sounds like the original OP's real concern is the thought conveyed behind the gift giving (not the material amount of stuff). I've talked to other moms about this issue and I think I just need to say to my dd's "We're closer to one side of the family than the other and isn't it wonderful that you have such nice grandparents (my parents) and cousins/aunt/uncle (my brother's family) who love you so much...and leave the rest alone.

In the big picture, it is my in-laws loss....not my daughters'.....my in-laws are missing a great time with some great kids...there only grand-kids.