OT: Explaining to my children

[julia & nicks mom]

My DH was born with facial deformities and had a lot of surgery to correct them - but they are still noticeable and we are often asked about it

to be honest - I don't see them anymore and my children never have - they are a non-issue in our house.

The only thing my DD has ever asked was why my DH had a scar on his chest - they put his rib in his jaw - but she has never said anything about his face.

She is now 4 and in school and obviously more of her friends are going to see my DH and I know inevitatbly they will ask her questions. My biggest fear is that someone will say something hurtful to her about her father and I think that would just crush her!

DH and I have begun to discuss how we should handle it with her - should we wait until someone says something to her or should we have the discussion about it with her now? She is 4 but a lot of the kids in her class are 5 - so they are much more at the age of awareness than she is.

Maybe we are making a mountain out of a molehill - it is just hard b/c DH and I know how to handle the questions - and sometimes they are rude - and I just want her to be ready if something happens.

any advice from parents who have had to help their children as they become more aware of the differences in their parent?

 

[dj2]

Hi,
well, i'm definitely not an expert, but here goes.

I think you might consider how "old" a 4YO she is. but i think most 4YO's would be old enough for a very brief discussion.

"did you ever notice daddy's... (scar, red mark, bump, whatever it is that stands out)? not everyone has that. daddy's extra special because he had an operation as a child." you probably would not need to go beyond that.

at least then when other kids make comments, which they might, she'll have some background info. not that i'd expect that she'll give the other kids an "educational response," but it might help put things into a context for her. you can go into more detail later as needed, and have lots of talks about people's individual differences, not to mention the need for polite manners, consideration and kindness toward all.

i think all kids have hurtful things said to them at some point, even if they have nothing "atypical" at all about them. and it hurts to watch our kids get hurt. i know i can't prevent all the pain my kids experience no matter how much i want to. i try to talk with my kids as much as possible. being sympathetic and understanding, as well as trying to help them see what might have motivated the other person to say or do what was said or done (and whether or not we "approve" of that kind of motivation) is as best as i've been able to get at softening the blow.

HTH

-dj

 

[julia & nicks mom]

thank you so much - that is the strategy I think we have decided to go with - she is pretty mature for her age - I think she is an old soul

she is always sensitive to others and I know she would be sad if someone said something mean about her daddy and didn't understand why

I know I can't protect them from everything - but I would like to protect them from the things I can!!

 

[Liv2CdWorld]

Hi Julia & Nicks Mom,

I agree with dj2 on giving your DD a breif talk. Not too deep. Start there and if she's got questions, she'll tell you. They are smart little buggers .

I myself have a prosthetic leg. My DS6 is an old soul too - and I truly think it's becuase of my leg - as strange as it sounds. I had the brief talk about me being different - but he started the conversation. I don't know if his freinds ask him anything - or if they tell him that "your mom walks funny" - but I'm fairly certain his response is probably - "That's because she's got a robot leg." Cute.

When he see's someone different (if he notices them at all), he might ask what may have happened, but that's about as far as it goes. He knows that everyone is born different, and learned that very early.

I'm sure that your DD will do absolutely fine in holding her own. You may just need to lay the foundation.

 

[julia & nicks mom]

Thank you!

We actually just talked with her - we asked if she ever noticed anything different about Daddy's face and she said yes - it is prickly (from his beard!!) so we asked if there was anything else and she said his eyes are a different color than mine -

so we know she doesn't see it yet - so we just briefly told her that Daddy had to have some operations on his face b/c it didn't grow like it was supposed to and it is all better now but that some people might notice and ask her what is wrong with it - at that point we realized it was not important to her - so I said - "what do you think about your daddy's face?" and she said "I think it is very handsome!!" and started hugging on him - so we left it at that

and I think that maybe for the first time in his life - my DH thought realized that his face is perfect!!

 

[cometzero]

and I think that maybe for the first time in his life - my DH thought realized that his face is perfect!!
__________________
Thank you , that made me cry, what a wonderful thing for him to see, thank you for sharing, Lyn www.caringbridge.org/nj/justinw

 

[olivia in canada]

From the time my kids (ds10 ds 8) could understand I have explained it like this. Everybody comes in a different package. We are all different on the outside, tall, short, chubby, straight hair, no hair, one arm, freckles, etc... but we are all the same inside. We all have a heart that beats, lungs that breathe, feelings, stomachs that get hungry etc... My youngest son said when he was quite small---if we were all the same how would you know which boy was really me...LOL
My boys are usually oblivious to anything different. But they will remark that the boy in the grocery store has awesome blue hair and usually will tell him so!! LOL

Olivia

 

[GroovyWheeler]

I'm not a parent, but I'm someone that has had to live with a facial deformity for my whole entire life. I was born with Apert Syndrome, which is a genetic disorder that causes facial deformities as well as skull and hand deformities too. I used to be very self-concious and shy, and let my mother handle all of the stares and things like that. But, I never knew that having Apert's would affect my bones too, and so as my life had to drastically change, I became more of an advocate for myself, and was happy to acknowledge any questions from kids/adults about my syndrome (as in "Why are your hands like that?", "Why is your face like that?", etc.), as well as questions about why I was a wheelchair user.

My favorite saying is, "Just because my hands and face are different (my feet too, but that usually doesn't come up until summertime), doesn't mean that I can be beautiful, just like you."

Samantha

 

[SueM in MN]

Just had to chime in to say that this is a very nice thread.

 

[mommie2angels]

Beautiful Kate! Just beautiful! Sounds like you handled that great.

 

[julia & nicks mom]

Beautiful Kate! Just beautiful! Sounds like you handled that great.

Thanks!!

Since it is my DH - I always worry about making him more self conscious when I bring up discussing it with our kids - luckily he is not bothered by it and is able to comfortably discuss it with them!! Which surprises me b/c I think my MIL likes to pretend like it isn't there - so I doubt he was able to talk about it growing up!!

 

[MomOf2DisneyKids]

Thank you!

- at that point we realized it was not important to her - so I said - "what do you think about your daddy's face?" and she said "I think it is very handsome!!" and started hugging on him - so we left it at that

and I think that maybe for the first time in his life - my DH thought realized that his face is perfect!!

that is very sweet!! It sounds like you handled it just great!

 

[mbb]

......and I think that maybe for the first time in his life - my DH thought realized that his face is perfect!!

It is

 

[VSL]

- we asked if she ever noticed anything different about Daddy's face and she said yes - it is prickly (from his beard!!) so we asked if there was anything else and she said his eyes are a different color than mine -
. . .
- so I said - "what do you think about your daddy's face?" and she said "I think it is very handsome!!" and started hugging on him - so we left it at that

How adorable!

 

[LuvN~Travel]

Our daughter was born with Crouzon's Syndrome, similar to the Apert's Syndrome listed by an earlier poster, just without the hand and feet problems.
We've just told her basically over the years to just tell people when they ask that her bones in her face and head didn't want to grow properly, so she's had to have surgeries.
As for kids, and telling them about a family member, just give them the basics as they are smaller, and start asking questions. Usually a simple answer will be enough. Then as they get older then give them more info according to their maturity level. I know there have been times when our son felt like he was being picked on because of his sister, so we've spent a lot of time answering his questions. However, now that he's 11, it's gotten much easier.
Of course in her case, she looks just enough 'different' to confuse people sometimes. One of her earlier surgeries actually managed to kick in some growth in the eye area so she doesn't currently have the protruding eyes that many her age do have. Just her jaws currently show the difference. So there are even differences within the same syndromes sometimes.
It sounds though, like you guys are handling the questions real well so far!
Kim