OT - Ever been "labelled" and you cannot get out from under it??

[mom2faith]

Hi all,

This is a bit of a long story, but I will cut it down for you.

Before DH and DD, I was a bit of a B**ch at times. I was very moody, crabby, touchy, etc. I had a lot of problems anyways. Since then, I have had treatment for depression and anxiety and have learned a lot about me, and how to control my moods, etc. I realize I was not a pleasure to have around, but I sought help and got everything under control.

My life now is great. DD and DH and I are very happy, we have a lot of friends and we get a long with everyone in our lives. I have had no problems, nor caused any problems in many years (like 7 years or so).

We live in a smal town that is very religious and from the day we moved there my family has teased us about living in a "colony". Not a nice joke, but it really is just a joke. (**I really hope no one takes offense to that statement, as it is truly just a joke**). Although we are not overly religious ourselves, we love our town and all of the great friends we have made in the last year.

Over the weekend, my parents made the announcement that they are moving to a different small town - the same one where my sister and brother both live in with their families. I made a joke that they are all living in a "colony" now, since they will all be within blocks of each other. But, overall, I was happy for my parents.

Last night I cam home to this email from my brother:

"I think the way you guys acted with mom and dad's news was pretty rude. Mom and Dad were pretty excited to finally be getting out of their rental place and you guys didn't have a single positive thing to say about it. Would it kill you two to be happy for someone else, you expect everyone to say how nice your scrapbook is but when someone else shows you something they have done you don't ever care. I just wish for once you could say something nice and positive about something that others are doing, instead of being that immature like you two acted on sunday. Try and be positive to others and people will want you around more, maybe you guys should look at yourselves and realize your **** stinks just as bad as everyone else's."

I was shocked!! I spent most of the night crying.

Basically, this is directed to the person I used to be. The person who was not very nice. But, I am not that person anymore. I have spent years trying to come out from that "label" of the crazy b**ch, but I cannot seem to win.

Does anyone out there have any similar experiences or advice?

How do I overcome this person I used to be??

TIA

Amy

 

[timzagain]

I'm sorry you've had that experience. I can relate to some of your experience about being labeled. Really and truly, the only thing you can do to change people's perceptions of you is to be consistent about being the New Improved You.

Recognize too, that not everyone will acknowledge or embrace the changes you've made. That might not be a reflection on you at all - it might be their OWN insecurity about the fact that they might not have grown as much as you have. You know how it goes... it's like the rags to riches stories where someone rises above the circumstances in which they grew up, and became successful etc. Instead of being happy for the person with the success story, people who "knew you way back when you were poor/broke/ a real ..itch etc ..." make it their mission to pull you down.

I know it's upset you, but please, please, please don't let this situation pull you down! Perhaps you should speak to your parents directly, and apologize for the unintended offense. THEN, you can speak to your brother about the situation.

Hope all goes well! Keep smiling!

 

[kristinw3girls]

You are exactly correct, that letter was aimed at the "old you". Sometimes family can not see the person we become. Parents treat grow children like they are still 5 years old.(at least my mother does) I'm a grown woman and my mother still tells me to say please and thank you, and reminds me to write thank you notes for gifts! I guess the only thing I can suggest is to let your mother know that, again, you were only teasing and you are happy for her new home. As for your brother, ignore him. He has overstepped bounderies and injected himself in a situation that has nothing to do with him. This is between you and your mother. I wouldn't help to say anything to him, he'll never see it as his problem. Unfortunately, we can't change how people from our past see us. You can only be sure that the new people in our lives see us as we want to be thought of. I'm sorry this has hurt you. I know EXACTLY how this feels. Good Luck!! This to shall pass!

 

[mom2faith]

Thank you ladies.

I just wanted to add, that I did speak to my parents last night and they did not take it as an insult at all!! Dad thought it was kind of funny and he admits it is strange how they are all going to be within blocks of each other. I made sure they were aware that I was very happy for them.

I also made sure they knew that I was not jealous - which was another thought I had. Maybe they think I am jealous that I am the only one not within a few blocks of them. I really am not jealous, but I am aware that the three families (my parents, my sister and my brother) are going to have a different bond that my family will not be a part of. But I am OK with that. I know that in order to remain happy, I need my "own" life.

I just am so frustrated that at least 7 years has passed and I cannot get away from this!!

 

[TinaLala]

I feel for you on this one babe!! My prior 'opinonistic' attitude has had an impact on my DD9's friend status. Now that I'm a happy person her friends' parents aren't interested in spending time with us. Oh well.

Sounds like your brother has some issues he needs to deal with and if your parents weren't upset about it (good for you to confront them and make sure it's all good with them) then I wouldn't worry about it. Maybe your brother is the one who isn't happy about them coming to live so close to them???

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

Hi all,

This is a bit of a long story, but I will cut it down for you.

Before DH and DD, I was a bit of a B**ch at times. I was very moody, crabby, touchy, etc. I had a lot of problems anyways. Since then, I have had treatment for depression and anxiety and have learned a lot about me, and how to control my moods, etc. I realize I was not a pleasure to have around, but I sought help and got everything under control.

My life now is great. DD and DH and I are very happy, we have a lot of friends and we get a long with everyone in our lives. I have had no problems, nor caused any problems in many years (like 7 years or so).

We live in a smal town that is very religious and from the day we moved there my family has teased us about living in a "colony". Not a nice joke, but it really is just a joke. (**I really hope no one takes offense to that statement, as it is truly just a joke**). Although we are not overly religious ourselves, we love our town and all of the great friends we have made in the last year.

Over the weekend, my parents made the announcement that they are moving to a different small town - the same one where my sister and brother both live in with their families. I made a joke that they are all living in a "colony" now, since they will all be within blocks of each other. But, overall, I was happy for my parents.

Last night I cam home to this email from my brother:

"I think the way you guys acted with mom and dad's news was pretty rude. Mom and Dad were pretty excited to finally be getting out of their rental place and you guys didn't have a single positive thing to say about it. Would it kill you two to be happy for someone else, you expect everyone to say how nice your scrapbook is but when someone else shows you something they have done you don't ever care. I just wish for once you could say something nice and positive about something that others are doing, instead of being that immature like you two acted on sunday. Try and be positive to others and people will want you around more, maybe you guys should look at yourselves and realize your **** stinks just as bad as everyone else's."

I was shocked!! I spent most of the night crying.

Basically, this is directed to the person I used to be. The person who was not very nice. But, I am not that person anymore. I have spent years trying to come out from that "label" of the crazy b**ch, but I cannot seem to win.

Does anyone out there have any similar experiences or advice?

How do I overcome this person I used to be??

TIA

Amy

Um, ok, I don't think he was talking about the person you used to be. From what the email said he specifically details your recent behavior, i.e. the reaction to the news of your parents moving, acting "immaturely", etc. Nowhere in his email do I see him bringing up your past behavior.

He also never called you a crazy *****. That is a label you have put upon yourself. It's probably not a helpful label, either, because it bothers you so much. Maybe instead of thinking of yourself as a formerly CB, try thinking of yourself as a person who needed help.

You also stated yourself that the joke about living in a colony is not a nice joke. Yet you made that same joke to your family and expected them to react positively to it. Whether or not they made that same joke in the past is irrelevant; if you want your family to have a good relationship with you, don't do the same crap that they did to you in the past-you're just dragging yourself right back to it and causing strife again.

You can ask him how, exactly, did you act immaturely (may be some insight there) and apologize for the colony joke. You know it wasn't nice, but you did it to smack back at them, and they resent it.

I will say, in your defense, that your brother probably resents the work you have done to make your life better and is lashing out at you with the "s*** doesn't stink" comment. A lot of your stress and anxiety was probably caused by your family situation growing up (playing armchair shrink here), and your brother probably shares a lot of your issues, and if he sees that you are over them and he isn't, he's probably going to react poorly to you talking about how you're happy and better.

Overall, I'd say don't talk about how you're better, changed, etc. In fact, don't talk about yourself at all because they're just not going to react favorably.

Don't do things that look for validation from them like showing them your scrapbook, because you're just opening yourself up for criticism (like in the letter-that crack about the scrapbook had to hurt).

Just say nice things to them, get them to talk about themselves, be cheery, and go home and call it a day. Don't give them any ammo to shoot you down with.

Really, everyone will suddenly be like, oh, she's so nice, what a happy person-it's all because you're asking them to talk about themselves, instead of trying to convince them how you've changed.

How you've changed and become better is your internal work-most people won't understand it and many will resent you and think you've become "uppity". Let it be enough for you to know in your own heart that you've grown as a person, and learn how to deflect the barbs of the haters with grace and equanimity.

 

[fussymonkey]

I think its great that you recognize how difficult you have been in the past and have sought change. That's a heck of an accomplishment.

I think that you and your husband and daughter are living these changes every day. Your brother, if he doesn't see you often or interact with you often, is probably still angry with you over the things you used to do and the hurt you caused him in the past.

I am not a fan of drama, straighforward and open communcication and powerful listening skills are drama killers.

If it were me I might have a conversation with your brother, over the phone where he wouldn't feel free to be so rude hopefully. His nastyness about your scrapbook (and here, btw, I disagree with the pp, you should absolutely feel free to show your talents and work off to your family, just like you would like to admire what they've done) is just a red herring.

I think where I'd start is "Did Mom or Dad tell you they were hurt? Please don't speak for them, I made sure they understood I was joking. Speak for yourself only. You were hurt? Why?"

From there you can go on to apologize for whatever you did to hurt/offend him all those years ago, but then tell him, look, this is water under the bridge now. Its over. Going forward you only get to bring stuff up in the moment, no more digging up old stuff and throwing it at me.

I think just demonstrating to him that you care will go a long way. But that said, have firm boundaries and don't let him overstep them and try and make you feel guilty.

 

[mom2faith]

I think its great that you recognize how difficult you have been in the past and have sought change. That's a heck of an accomplishment.

I think that you and your husband and daughter are living these changes every day. Your brother, if he doesn't see you often or interact with you often, is probably still angry with you over the things you used to do and the hurt you caused him in the past.

I am not a fan of drama, straighforward and open communcication and powerful listening skills are drama killers.

If it were me I might have a conversation with your brother, over the phone where he wouldn't feel free to be so rude hopefully. His nastyness about your scrapbook (and here, btw, I disagree with the pp, you should absolutely feel free to show your talents and work off to your family, just like you would like to admire what they've done) is just a red herring.

I think where I'd start is "Did Mom or Dad tell you they were hurt? Please don't speak for them, I made sure they understood I was joking. Speak for yourself only. You were hurt? Why?"

From there you can go on to apologize for whatever you did to hurt/offend him all those years ago, but then tell him, look, this is water under the bridge now. Its over. Going forward you only get to bring stuff up in the moment, no more digging up old stuff and throwing it at me.

I think just demonstrating to him that you care will go a long way. But that said, have firm boundaries and don't let him overstep them and try and make you feel guilty.

Thank you that is great advice!!

You are right, I have to lay it out, but in a positive moving forward sense.

Oh, and just a side note, the scrapbook was a gift to my grandfather who turned 81, we were celebrating his birthday. It is not like I brought it along ot brag, I gave it to my grandpa at this family event.

 

[AuroraBeauty]

I don't think you need to apologize to your brother for your comments to your parents. You have cleared it up with them, all is fine, you can move on regarding that.

How you label your past self comes from you judging yourself. That was before help. In the past you may be been more judgmental than you are now so define yourself now. I am a nice person! Don't live in the past and unless you're a convicted felon and don't have constitutional rights then you're right there with the rest of us with having done things in your past that you now wish you hadn't. It's done, move on!

As for the email, I disagree with the other person about talking to him in person. It will only get you defending yourself and trying to convince your brother about things he can not be convinced on. Been there, done that! Send him an email:

'I have received your email and have read it closely. You appear to be concerned with how Mom and Dad interpreted what I said about their move. Thank you for your concern, I have spoken with them directly. My level of positiveness also appears to be a concern for you. Again, thank you for your concern. I will speak to the appropriate people and have that evaluated. Have a great day!'

Many people may think this is snide or nasty. It's not. Acknowledge his email so he knows you got it. Then just let him know that you will take his concerns under advisement.

You don't live in a democracy with him. He does not have the legal right to say whatever he wants. There is no freedom of speech in your world. You make the rules of engagement.

Don't engage him. End it and move on. It's like with your DD, although I don't know how old she is. When you, as a mom, get to the point where you don't care what DD is saying/arguing/ranting/yelling you move on. Tune your bro out just like you'd tune out your fit-having child. We all do it with our kids. We can only take so much.

But, we let other adults throw a tantrum in front of us and then try to make them feel better. Walk right over that! In the game show world, when the game is over they say 'Thank you for playing' and you're done. They don't care. If you stayed around too long they probably have a trap door to the basement. That's what you need for your brother -- a virtual trap door. Thank's for playin' bro! Here's your year's supply of Rice-A-Roni! Bye Now!

Just my 2 cents!

 

[Micka Mouse]

Hi all,
How do I overcome this person I used to be??
TIA
Amy

It sounds like you have already overcome the person you once were . Your brother needs to realize this. You know, I could be waaay off base, but the first thing that came to my mind was this: When you were the "other person", he probably felt superior to you, like he was the "good kid". Now that you have turned your life around, he may not be on the top pedestel anymore. Is it possible that your parents are so proud of you that they mention your successes to your brother? He could be feeling like he's been knocked down a few pegs .

I agree with PP.....take the high ground and don't engage him!!! You're better than that!!!

 

[OceanAnnie]

Lots of good perspectives.

I guess if I had a conversation with my brother (DB) after that e-mail, I'd ask what did I say that was so bad? If the colony thing came up, I'd ask him was it that bad when you said it to me? Did you mean it to be derogatory? Because I didn't take it that way. I thought you were kidding. Were you not kidding?

It sounds like your DB has issues of his own. You can't win someone over that isn't tuned in.

 

[momofrrr]

I don't think that you should give your brother's note a second thought. Just hit delete! I would not give him anymore fuel for his personal fire. If you are square with your mom and dad I think that is all you should be concerned about. Your statement was not directed at him. Perhaps for some reason it is bothering him that they are going to be so close to him now.

 

[disykat]

It sounds like someone is jealous and it's not you!

If you feel the need to respond, I'd just say something like "I checked with mom and dad to make sure, and they understood my "colony" reference to the longstanding joke about me living in a colony and were not offended. You certainly made your point in regards to being pleasant!" and then say NOTHING more.

I thought his email was truly ironic.

 

[susykt4]

Your post made me think of my aunt. She's the baby of four sisters. She spent her childhood being treated as more of a pet than a real person, meaning she was never taken seriously and if she voiced an opinion it was "cute" but blown off. As a young adult, she rebeled a bit and made some poor choices that basically cemented in everyone's minds that she's "crazy." (Not meaning they think she's insane or mentally ill, but that her judgment is so poor that she can't be trusted with ANY decision.)

She's now in her mid-fifties and cannot shake the "Crazy Sharon" title from her family. Her friends and extended family (the next generation) don't see her that way at all. I've watched her make huge efforts to improve herself and her life and I respect her for it. Her sisters seem to want to use her to make themselves feel superior. It's sickening. BUT, it's also sickening that Sharon has allowed them to use her like that. She's playing the victim very well.

You can't control what your brother does, feels, etc. You can email him back without B-ness and mildly express your surprise over the colony joke. Maybe even apologize for your statement and how it made him feel. He obviously has issues of his own (maybe Grandpa liked your scrapbook better than the material thing he spent $$$ on? Or it got you "too much" attention?) Whatever. Just don't allow your family to run you down because of your youthful mistakes from years ago!