OT - DS Having Yet More Problems At School...UPDATE 5/29: New Issue...

[dis75ney]

I'm at the end of my rope!!!

DS, 7, has been having nothing but problems at school lately. First, he was throwing tantrums and not wanting to work on his writing projects - we have since discovered that he is dyslexic and we're working with him with this new info in mind. He seems to be doing better in this respect, but there's only two weeks left in the school year, so it's a little late to get a learning plan in place. His 2nd grade teacher will know before school starts in August that DS has a learning disability and I'm sure will come up with ways to help him do the best he can. It also helps that Mommy is dyslexic, so he knows he's not alone...

So, we've overcome that hurdle only to run into another one. And I know that if anyone can give great advice, it's my fellow DISers. DS has been bringing home red incident reports at an alarming rate. One last week for drawing indecent pictures , one Monday for taking his clothes off in the bathroom , and one yesterday for hiding in the bathroom and being silly during lunch/recess time . He now has alternative recess for the rest of this week and must eat his lunch in the office for the remainder of the school year, which means missing out on the class picnic tomorrow and part of field day next week.

DS told me, DH, and the teachers at school that another boy actually started these incidents and that DJ (name has been changed to protect the not-so-innocent) has been asking DS to do the same thing. DS does say "no" the first time DJ asks, but when DJ then tells DS to repeat the offensive action, DS does so. Other kids see this and then both kids get in trouble when the others report to the teachers. This has been confirmed by the lead teacher, who has talked to both DS and DJ and found that their stories coincided...

I'm not sure how to help DS at this point. We've told him that if DJ asks him to do something that would break the rules, to say "no" and then tell his teacher or another nearby adult. He does follow this advice, but seems to buckle under the pressure brought forth by DJ. When I had to take off work early on Monday because of the stripping incident, DS had to pay me for the two hours of work I lost because of his actions (this came directly out of his Disney spending money). DS will not be going to see Indiana Jones this weekend because of the incident from yesterday. DH and I have told DS that if we see another red incident report in his folder between now and the end of the school year, he will not be going to Six Flags this summer at all (he had gotten a free ticket because of reading a certain amount of minutes and is REALLY looking forward to the trip). I'm also thinking of having him write a note or make a card for his teacher, the lead teacher, and/or the social worker apologizing for his actions, but I'm not sure about this idea...

Has anyone else been in this situation? How can we help DS stand up for himself so he doesn't get in trouble because of going along with DJ? The school doesn't want to move either boy into another class...there's only two weeks left in the year and DS especially has been having trouble adjusting to the substitute teacher brought in when his regular teacher had her baby in April. The two of them will NOT be in the same class for 2nd grade...I have been assured of this by the lead teacher. But what to do for the next ten school days???

Thanks in advance for any help you can give!

 

[RumpleMom]

Please reconsider not taking away his trip to Six Flags, he earned that with reading. It probably wasn't easy for him with dyslexia. You want to encourage more reading in the future. If he misbehaves at school, take away something that he enjoys that you want him to do less of anyway. Spending time together as a family is priceless. If you take away the trip for the family, you have given him control over the entire family, that includes the adults.

Is there a boy in the class that is his friend? Invite the boy over, go out for pizza, etc. as a end of year activity. This might help him be closer to another boy to get him through the last ten days.

 

[jacobsmom]

How close do these 2 boys sit to each other in class? That's a possible move... as long as teachers (AND Staff) are aware that these 2 should NOT be anywhere near each other--that would be a HUGE help. If staff such as the librarian, bus driver, lunch supervisors, gym teacher, music teacher, art teacher etc. arent' aware that DJ and your DS are trouble together--they won't inforce things. Being that there are only a couple weeks of school left, guards are down and things are slipping through the cracks at all schools. Generally speaking though if you can surround your son with good friends---kids in groups won't listen to someone making strange requests. Hang in there! You aren't the only parent who goes through tough times like this.

 

[Disney Mommy 3]

I would definitely make sure they are seperated at ALL times. Your son is at the age where he is going to have a tough time NOT being a follower-especially if DJ is a very pushy kid. I 2nd the comment on not taking the 6 Flags trip away. That was his reward-that's off limits I think. Did the DJ kid get punished? Are his parents aware(or care) what's going on? If he got in trouble with his folks-and I mean really punished & this wasn't blown off-do you think it would stop? I work with kids at our church from some pretty bad backgrounds and they do crazy stuff just to be noticed. The ones who have parents that put their foot down don't usually get so out of hand. Thank goodness you only have 10 days or so left!
I think right now you really need to reinforce anything positive/outstanding in your little boy. He's already had a tough school year it sounds like.He needs to know that you are proud of him just for him! I am not saying you are doing anything wrong-but when they get out of hand sometimes we focus on that and not what's good about them. I know-I've done it.The bad actions are all we can see when it's right in front of you over and over!! Just maybe some 1 on 1 time with mommy or daddy for a Saturday, or one night just you and him have a date night-go get an ice cream or go to the book store where he can be the focus of all your time and energy-I've seen this do wonders with our kids. And for some reason, it's better if it's just one parent-probably because if it's me and Dh we find grown up stuff to discuss!! Lord knows there is enough to talk about!! It will all work out- he's just hit a rough patch and he'll learn from it-the most important thing (&he WILL remember this) is how you react and how you relate to him through it! It will be okay

 

[dis75ney]

Please reconsider not taking away his trip to Six Flags, he earned that with reading. It probably wasn't easy for him with dyslexia. You want to encourage more reading in the future. If he misbehaves at school, take away something that he enjoys that you want him to do less of anyway. Spending time together as a family is priceless. If you take away the trip for the family, you have given him control over the entire family, that includes the adults.

Is there a boy in the class that is his friend? Invite the boy over, go out for pizza, etc. as a end of year activity. This might help him be closer to another boy to get him through the last ten days.

I would definitely make sure they are seperated at ALL times. Your son is at the age where he is going to have a tough time NOT being a follower-especially if DJ is a very pushy kid. I 2nd the comment on not taking the 6 Flags trip away. That was his reward-that's off limits I think. Did the DJ kid get punished? Are his parents aware(or care) what's going on? If he got in trouble with his folks-and I mean really punished & this wasn't blown off-do you think it would stop? I work with kids at our church from some pretty bad backgrounds and they do crazy stuff just to be noticed. The ones who have parents that put their foot down don't usually get so out of hand. Thank goodness you only have 10 days or so left!
I think right now you really need to reinforce anything positive/outstanding in your little boy. He's already had a tough school year it sounds like.He needs to know that you are proud of him just for him! I am not saying you are doing anything wrong-but when they get out of hand sometimes we focus on that and not what's good about them. I know-I've done it.The bad actions are all we can see when it's right in front of you over and over!! Just maybe some 1 on 1 time with mommy or daddy for a Saturday, or one night just you and him have a date night-go get an ice cream or go to the book store where he can be the focus of all your time and energy-I've seen this do wonders with our kids. And for some reason, it's better if it's just one parent-probably because if it's me and Dh we find grown up stuff to discuss!! Lord knows there is enough to talk about!! It will all work out- he's just hit a rough patch and he'll learn from it-the most important thing (&he WILL remember this) is how you react and how you relate to him through it! It will be okay

I've been thinking about the Six Flags trip ever since I mentioned it this morning, and I've decided to let him keep the trip. He did earn it through reading (even though the school was mean about it and wouldn't give him his ticket because DS was out sick the day the form was due - we're giving him the trip instead. He doesn't know the difference) and it wouldn't be fair to take that away from him. It was said more in the heat of the moment.

I thought of something else that will likely affect him more than Six Flags. DH has been giving DS the opportunity to play with ALL of the Legos that DH has been collecting since DH was about seven, including the Lego Robotics sets that feature Star Wars machines. DS usually can't wait to get home to play with this stuff and gets upset if we come home late and he doesn't get the chance to build anything. If he brings home another incident report, though, he will lose the chance to play with these special toys...

I just feel bad for DS that because of following this kid and not sticking up for himself (which he seems to do with us without a problem ), he's missing out on special end of the year class activities (even though I fully understand and support the school's decision). I get the feeling that DJ's parents don't seem to care that their son is acting up in this way. Who knows what DJ is telling them when he gets home, anyway? The lead teacher did mention that she has not been able to get in touch with DJ's parents to discuss the situations at hand, especially the stripping incident (which my DS did after he saw DJ doing it a couple of days earlier, per the lead teacher), so who knows what's going on at this child's home?

DS seems to think that no one at school likes him - before he was diagnosed with his LD, he would throw tantrums worthy of Veruca Salt in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. He was scared that the kids hated him because of these reactions to schoolwork - especially writing. We have all reassured him (the kids included) that he is indeed well-liked, so I have a feeling that this recent attachment to DJ is fueled by his low self-esteem in relation to his LD.

We've been almost overly exuberant in our praise for DS (even though I don't think there is a level to the amount of praise a child can receive) - the stuff that he builds with Legos and his fort sets is truly amazing, he's in the top reading group in his class (even with dyslexia - I was the same way growing up), and he really is a sweet boy who will do anything to make someone or something feel better. I'm just at a loss on how to help him with this situation...

 

[katieandemismom]

We have a follower, too. Unfortunately, it landed her in HUGE trouble a few weeks ago. After thinking through what was causing the need to follow and how to deter it, I realized that a lot of it probably relates to needing to be accepted / fit in. DD has low tone / mild cp and has struggled to keep up physically with the kids her age. I think she believes that getting a laugh or doing what someone tells her will make the other kids like her more. This is also made worse b/c she isn't a very self-motivated kid.

We've decided to do a LOT of talking about choices and consequences. When dd makes everyday good choices (that should be automatic with her), we tell her that she made a "great choice" about ___________ and because you did _____________, you get to do ___________. If we see that she is pondering her decisions, we talk about what the choices are and what the consequences are of the various choices. If she makes the wrong choice, we make it very clear that there are specific and real consequences to her choice. This was at the suggestion of her principal (who is also a friend of the family's). According to her, this allows dd control and builds her confidence in decision making so she isn't quite so easily influenced. So far, it seems to be working (although there is still a loooooong way to go). Good luck!

 

[Disney Mommy 3]

dis75ney-Sounds like you are doing all you can! Just love him and work through each day. I think this summer break-and then moving into a new classroom,new teacher, different students is gonna help. wow! I hate when little kids have a hard time at school. You just keep doing what you are doing and pray that the Lord will show you if a drastic change some where may be needed. Maybe a little break is all he needs

 

[whitfield96]

I have a close friend who teaches a class for teachers and school adminstration on how to identify victims of sexual abuse in their classes, and the child that is picking on your child seems like a perfect example. Sexually abused children learn the tactics of their abuser and then act them out on someone younger or more vulerable (ie-your child). As a parent I would immediately make sure that there was no more contact between your son and that child. I don't want to alarm you, but I have seen this type of abuse happen to a close friend's son recently and I would do anything to spare another parent the pain that she as a mother has been through.

 

[Magic Mom]

I just feel bad for DS that because of following this kid and not sticking up for himself (which he seems to do with us without a problem ), he's missing out on special end of the year class activities (even though I fully understand and support the school's decision). I get the feeling that DJ's parents don't seem to care that their son is acting up in this way. Who knows what DJ is telling them when he gets home, anyway? The lead teacher did mention that she has not been able to get in touch with DJ's parents to discuss the situations at hand, especially the stripping incident (which my DS did after he saw DJ doing it a couple of days earlier), so who knows what's going on at this child's home?

I'm going to probably get flamed for this, but if it were me, I wouldn't even entertain the whole discussion of DJ told me to do it. That's a non point to me (except to make sure they are seperate from now on.) Who cares who started it or whose head the little light bulb went off in? Your DS acted inappropriately (more then once) and has to be punished. I realize you are doing that (good job ), but you are already starting to chip away at your own son's blame in all this by justifying it because DJ did it first and induldging in speculation about DJ's home life. Stick to your guns. Just because your DS has a follower personality right now (My own DS was like that as well when he was younger) doesn't change his actions. Holding him responsible for his own action rather then trying to place partial blame elsewhere will teach him to stand up for himself.
One thing that worked for my son was to have him rehearse what he would say when a bad choice was presented to him. He liked to say something to the effect of " Man my mom would KICK my butt and ground me for the summer if I did that. There's no way I'm taking that chance." That way he had a way out without looking "goodygoody".
He's 16 now and his own young man...not a follower anymore. He doesn't party, he treats people well, stands up for kids being picked on
(he's 6'3") ,plays sports, and gets good (not good enough for me LOL) grades.
I always held him responsible, no matter who started the trouble. LOL To this day he doesn't understand that reasoning...oh well, maybe one day he will.

 

[surfgirl]

good luck!

I agree taking away the Six Flags is too harsh.

Is he motivated by incentives ? make them small and achievable... If he comes home w/o an incident report, he gets sprinkles on ice cream.... or 15 extra mins. of computer time ... or something.

focus on getting through the year.

I think it is also good this other kid is being separated. Get it in writing that they won't be in the same class. Promises like this can get lost when they are making up class lists. Ask the principal for a list in early August -- before they become 'official' . Just to confirm...

I would also talk to a child psych. Ask the school to speak with the guidance counselor first. Ask how to deal with behavior issues like this. they are the experts - they should help you.

Make sure you get any IEP (or whatever they are called) in writing now. Waiting until the beginning of 2nd grade means that they have 30 or 60 or 90 days to get it done. Don't lose that time on the clock.

 

[dis75ney]

I'm going to probably get flamed for this, but if it were me, I wouldn't even entertain the whole discussion of DJ told me to do it. That's a non point to me (except to make sure they are seperate from now on.) Who cares who started it or whose head the little light bulb went off in? Your DS acted inappropriately (more then once) and has to be punished. I realize you are doing that (good job ), but you are already starting to chip away at your own son's blame in all this by justifying it because DJ did it first and induldging in speculation about DJ's home life. Stick to your guns. Just because your DS has a follower personality right now (My own DS was like that as well when he was younger) doesn't change his actions. Holding him responsible for his own action rather then trying to place partial blame elsewhere will teach him to stand up for himself.
One thing that worked for my son was to have him rehearse what he would say when a bad choice was presented to him. He liked to say something to the effect of " Man my mom would KICK my butt and ground me for the summer if I did that. There's no way I'm taking that chance." That way he had a way out without looking "goodygoody".
He's 16 now and his own young man...not a follower anymore. He doesn't party, he treats people well, stands up for kids being picked on
(he's 6'3") ,plays sports, and gets good (not good enough for me LOL) grades.
I always held him responsible, no matter who started the trouble. LOL To this day he doesn't understand that reasoning...oh well, maybe one day he will.

I'm not trying to shift blame away from DS in any way. DH and I have made it perfectly clear that DS is responsible for his own actions and there are consequences for wrong decisions, be it from us or the school/daycare program. We don't care who started the trouble...we're concerned with what DS does in response, and DS is fully aware of this. These past incidents have just been SO unexpected that I'm trying to somehow rationalize DS's actions in my mind - and only in my mind. I should know better than to try and rationalize his behavior by now.

I like the idea of rehearsing what DS can say to anyone that wants him to break the rules. DS is already quite the little actor (won a youth award for playing an unconscious child last season )...I think he'll take to this approach really well.

Now why can't DS be a follower at home...it'd make homework and bedtime SO much easier...

 

[Magic Mom]

.

Now why can't DS be a follower at home...it'd make homework and bedtime SO much easier...

LOL Good luck with that one...I still haven't figured it out.

 

[dis75ney]

good luck!

I agree taking away the Six Flags is too harsh.

Is he motivated by incentives ? make them small and achievable... If he comes home w/o an incident report, he gets sprinkles on ice cream.... or 15 extra mins. of computer time ... or something.

focus on getting through the year.

I think it is also good this other kid is being separated. Get it in writing that they won't be in the same class. Promises like this can get lost when they are making up class lists. Ask the principal for a list in early August -- before they become 'official' . Just to confirm...

I would also talk to a child psych. Ask the school to speak with the guidance counselor first. Ask how to deal with behavior issues like this. they are the experts - they should help you.

Make sure you get any IEP (or whatever they are called) in writing now. Waiting until the beginning of 2nd grade means that they have 30 or 60 or 90 days to get it done. Don't lose that time on the clock.

Good idea on getting that separation in writing...

We do have an appointment with a child pychiatrist in June...that was the earliest he could get us in. I'm calling around to other offices to see if someone could take him earlier...

 

[dis75ney]

I have a close friend who teaches a class for teachers and school adminstration on how to identify victims of sexual abuse in their classes, and the child that is picking on your child seems like a perfect example. Sexually abused children learn the tactics of their abuser and then act them out on someone younger or more vulerable (ie-your child). As a parent I would immediately make sure that there was no more contact between your son and that child. I don't want to alarm you, but I have seen this type of abuse happen to a close friend's son recently and I would do anything to spare another parent the pain that she as a mother has been through.

DS has already asked if he could invite DJ to my parents' Summer Solstice party (my parents are allowing DS to invite a couple of friends, otherwise he'd be the only kid there), and I've vetoed that invite. I'm not sure what else can be done with school at this point...the administration doesn't want to change rooms this close to the end of the school year (and I have to agree with them), and the teacher is trying to keep them separated as much as possible. We'll just be trying to get through the next two weeks one day at a time, and then DS will be in daycamp and all should be well (crossing fingers - he loved it last year and didn't have any problems whatsoever)...then 2nd grade and Disney in October...can't come fast enough for me!

 

[dis75ney]

We have a follower, too. Unfortunately, it landed her in HUGE trouble a few weeks ago. After thinking through what was causing the need to follow and how to deter it, I realized that a lot of it probably relates to needing to be accepted / fit in. DD has low tone / mild cp and has struggled to keep up physically with the kids her age. I think she believes that getting a laugh or doing what someone tells her will make the other kids like her more. This is also made worse b/c she isn't a very self-motivated kid.

We've decided to do a LOT of talking about choices and consequences. When dd makes everyday good choices (that should be automatic with her), we tell her that she made a "great choice" about ___________ and because you did _____________, you get to do ___________. If we see that she is pondering her decisions, we talk about what the choices are and what the consequences are of the various choices. If she makes the wrong choice, we make it very clear that there are specific and real consequences to her choice. This was at the suggestion of her principal (who is also a friend of the family's). According to her, this allows dd control and builds her confidence in decision making so she isn't quite so easily influenced. So far, it seems to be working (although there is still a loooooong way to go). Good luck!

Great idea from your principal! We'll be having said talk with DS tonight, in addition to the rehearsal mentioned by a PP...

 

[dis75ney]

dis75ney-Sounds like you are doing all you can! Just love him and work through each day. I think this summer break-and then moving into a new classroom,new teacher, different students is gonna help. wow! I hate when little kids have a hard time at school. You just keep doing what you are doing and pray that the Lord will show you if a drastic change some where may be needed. Maybe a little break is all he needs

Thanks, Disney Mommy! I think we ALL need a little break...

 

[dis75ney]

How close do these 2 boys sit to each other in class? That's a possible move... as long as teachers (AND Staff) are aware that these 2 should NOT be anywhere near each other--that would be a HUGE help. If staff such as the librarian, bus driver, lunch supervisors, gym teacher, music teacher, art teacher etc. arent' aware that DJ and your DS are trouble together--they won't inforce things. Being that there are only a couple weeks of school left, guards are down and things are slipping through the cracks at all schools. Generally speaking though if you can surround your son with good friends---kids in groups won't listen to someone making strange requests. Hang in there! You aren't the only parent who goes through tough times like this.

The school's doing all they can, but there's only one teacher and a part time aide in DS's class for the 20 kids. Factor in that this teacher is a maternity leave substitute for DS's original teacher, she's coming in toward the end of the year (has only been with the class since April), and as you mentioned, guards are down...

Thankfully, they do NOT ride the bus together or attend the same before/after school program...I don't think I could handle that!

 

[Matt'sMom]

I have a close friend who teaches a class for teachers and school adminstration on how to identify victims of sexual abuse...

I used to act as a forum administrator and counselor at an online community dealing with similar subject matter. Many of the members there were survivors of childhood sexual abuse. I too could not help but notice several 'red flags' in the OP's initial post.

I would definitely be taking steps to try and protect my child from what could potentially be a very threatening situation. And I also would be asking further questions about just what exactly has gone on between him and 'DJ'. I certainly do not want to scare you... but it is important to make certain your son is safe, and not being victimized.

I understand the school not wanting to restructure the classes at this late date... but what about the possibility of providing adult supervision, to insure that the two boys are never alone together (in the restrooms, for example)? Hopefully the child psych will be able to help you get to the bottom of things, asap... but I would not be taking any chances in the mean time.

 

[ERMama]

My 7 yo son had issues with a boy last year. Basically they hung out together alot and when my son gets mad he would get pushy-hitting, etc.
Him and the one boy were seperated this year and have playdates and they do fine.

Good to hear you are seeing a child psych. The things your child has done is not exactly normal. Clear expectations and very small immediate rewards/consequences are probably going to work best. With our son, trying to talk to him about incidents at school is pretty much pointless. He hears it but it works better to talk about things more immediate.
I think that the LD may not be the core issue yet is just something else he needs to deal with.

My son has had an IEP thru the school since he was 3. He does get special ed services (although they say they may drop them after 2nd grade if he has another good year like 1st grade).
I too highly suggest you demand the school set up an IEP meeting to have their plan in writing on how they will help your son.

 

[dis75ney]

I used to act as a forum administrator and counselor at an online community dealing with similar subject matter. Many of the members there were survivors of childhood sexual abuse. I too could not help but notice several 'red flags' in the OP's initial post.

I would definitely be taking steps to try and protect my child from what could potentially be a very threatening situation. And I also would be asking further questions about just what exactly has gone on between him and 'DJ'. I certainly do not want to scare you... but it is important to make certain your son is safe, and not being victimized.

I understand the school not wanting to restructure the classes at this late date... but what about the possibility of providing adult supervision, to insure that the two boys are never alone together (in the restrooms, for example)? Hopefully the child psych will be able to help you get to the bottom of things, asap... but I would not be taking any chances in the mean time.

Now that DS's substitute has email access (she didn't for about four weeks and it was nearly impossible to communicate with her), I'll ask her to keep the boys separated as much as possible. This whole indecent drawing/words/exposure situation has really gotten my guard up, especially with a recent sexual abuse situation regarding my "sister"/"niece".

I was about to ask how I can phrase this request without making it sound like I'm accusing the other child of being abused, but I think I just thought of a way...