OT - But what's the right thing to do?

[tmarquez]

I’ll try to keep this short!

My parents divorced when I was 4. I had some visitation with my father until I was about 8. My mother remarried and we moved to another area at that time and I recall seeing my father once when I was about 11 (he took me to Disney). I had a relationship with his family (my aunt, uncles, grandmother, and his new wife) until we moved.

When I was in high school my mom actually ran into his mother and his sister on a cruise. They came to our house, but not a word was spoken about my father. I didn’t ask either…I felt very weird.

When I got pregnant with my DD, I started thinking about trying to find him. Well after she was born, I decided I would try to find him. It took me awhile, but I did find him, unfortunately he died less than a year before (he was 60). I just forgot about it at that point.

Now DD is 5 and she asks constantly about her “grandpa”. This has been going on for at least a year. My DH’s father died a long time ago, and my mom is divorced…so no other “grandpas”. She knows that he died, and understands that. But she still I guess wants to know what he was like. I tried to find pictures…but there are none. I know he spent time in jail when I was a baby so he probably wasn’t around much for pictures.

My question is…would it be wrong of me to try to contact his family to try to find some photos to show DD? I feel bad that she is so curious and I can’t satisfy that. I’ve been trying to think of what I would write (in a letter) probably to his sister or brother or to his wife…but nothing seems just right.

Thanks for listening and any help would be appreciated.

 

[Ellester]

Wow, that's a tough situation. Personally, I don't think contacting your/his relatives would be out of line. The worst they can say is no or not reply.

 

[Bren's Mom]

I don't think it's wrong. But I do think you need to consider whether you're prepared for you/your dd to have a relationship with any of his family. You and dd are their relatives and if they hear from you after such a long time and learn of dd they might be curious themselves and want to be a part of your lives. If you're open to that then...go for it! There's no better day to do it then today... Good luck!

 

[AKBAFB]

I'm sorry you're going through this. If I were in your situation, I probably would not try to contact his family and get photos or more information. I understand that your daughter is curious and it's unfortunate that there are no "grandpas" in her life, but I would just tell her the truth - that he was never around much and you don't have any pictures to share with her. I would just be open and honest with her and answer any questions she has truthfully. I wouldn't try to keep anything negative a secret, that could just make the situation worse. I believe your primary goal should be having an open, honest relationship with your daughter. I would also tell her again about her other "grandpas" and why they aren't around either and then turn the focus to all the other (non-grandpa) family and friends that she has who love and care for her.

 

[ferrytale]

I think it would be a good thing to contact them. You can't change the past and what you didn't have with your dad, but you can help your little one know where she came from. Good or bad, you guys should know.

 

[dizneedoll]

I know exactly what you are going thorough as my situation is similar to yours. I haven't seen my father in many years now. We had been writing and seeing one another on occassion and then he just up and disappeared. My DS has never seen him. So I know it's tough. I have not tried to find him, I don't even know if he's alive or not. I don't think it would be wrong for you to write and ask for some pictures. He was your father and it's only natural that you should want photos to share with your child. I would just keep the request short but polite, just say that you don't have any pictures of him and would really like to have a few if they wouldn't mind sharing some and that your daughter would really like to see a picture of her grandfather and pretty much leave it at that with a few pleasantries and well wishes thrown in for good measure. Like someone said, all they can say is no and then at least you'll know that you tried. I don't think there is a right or wrong on this but in the long run you may be glad that you did this and it may help bring some peace and closure for you too. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

 

[fortheluvofpooh]

if it were me I would contact them.
ONTH My DD 3 constantly talks about and to her granpa Both mine and DHs fathers died in 04, she was born in 05.

 

[Camno's Mama]

I don't think it's wrong to contact them at all. You, being a kid when all of this happened, were a casualty of the situation. Most people will understand that, and won't hold it against you that it's been this long. More importantly, they will probably be happy to hear from you. They probably loved your dad, and will be happy that you and your daughter are interested in learning more about him.

If you are comfortable with it, I think you should go for it. I think your daughter will be fine either way you decide to handle it. She is young, and she has you. But it might be nice for you. She may even be picking up on your feelings about it, and is more curious because of that.

Good luck...it's a hard decision, and you just have to do what's right for you.

 

[Tiffany_MommyOf3]

I would. I was adopted at birth. When I was pregnant with my 2nd child, I found my biological mother. We are now family friends - their entire family is at every event. When my dad died in April, they were all there with food and well wishes. It's a great relationship - but it's family friends - not mom/child - exactly what I wanted. I think it's a good thing to get some photos to satisfy her curiosity.

 

[kellyg403]

No it would not be wrong..and actually it would be good for you too. My dad left when I was 2 and I was raised all my life with my sdad. I was happy didn't really miss bio dad until after I had my first child. I was 21 when I started looking for him. I found him, but he did not want a relationship with me. He had moved on, had a new family and the new wife was not interested in him/me getting together. The first few times he came to see me it had to be secret and I just didn't feel right about it. Like I was this huge secret. But, my bio had 13 bros/sis. 8 of them along with their family are part of my family. They do not agree with him/new wife and consider me family. I have pictures they send to me periodically from when I was an infant. To tell you the truth..at first it was so the kids could see who my dad was. I realized later it was for me. I could see that my dad did care about me at one time. So no, its not wrong. They are your family too.

Kelly

 

[Benducci]

Why would it seem weird? You had an on/off relationship with these people through your life, you want to make it somewhat on again. You might want to ask for pictures of everyone so that your dd sees other family members too. DH's mo died when he was a child & we ask family members when we see them, which is not that often - usually funerals or weddings, for pictures of his mom/family members. He was your father & it probably would be nice to have some pics of him for yourself as well.

 

[olivejuice]

My mother was in the same situation but we could never find pictures. I was always curious when i was little about him. So I dont think it would be out of line to ask his family because he is your father and her grandpa. Mabey they would even like to see her. It is your right as his daughter. Dont be shy or worried.

 

[YellowMickeyPonchos]

I can relate to your situation. Needless to say, we have 2 little girls that are in the Grandma Grandpa stage. My father was in a horrible accident when I was 3 months old. They revived him, but in the 60s they really weren't very good at doing that quickly - needless to say, he wasn't the same person mentally, he didn't know who we were and needed constant care, and his parents took him away from my mom. We moved in with her parents and only saw my dad and his folks on holidays. When I was a teen, we were completely estranged. My dad (and stepdad) passed away 12 years ago, and immediately following, my mother had a stroke. She has no short term memory and lives several states away. My husbands parents both passed away from cancer - his mom died the day before we got married. The only photo I have of my Dad is one from their wedding that I found in and old basement box after Mom's stroke - it was never, ever displayed in our house.

I think it would be good on a number of levels.

1) Time heals everything. It's not your fault that your parents divorced. If you think you remember them to be good people, then yes, go ahead.

2) I think they would enjoy sharing photos and memories. I'm sure you have questions, too.

3) It's good to know everyone in your family, as you may need to know medical histories one day. Think about all of the kids out there who don't even know who their biological parents are. If they ever have certain health issues, they can't even tell someone about their medical history.

For me, it eventually worked out fine. I email with my cousins occasionally and we all still have a relationship.

You have everything to gain and nothing to lose. My best piece of advice to anyone in your position - just make sure you go making contact with the right reasons in your head. Don't go looking for answers to past heartaches or unresolved personal issues. Start with a clean slate and no expectations. That will make for the best experience.

My girls have photos of their Grandparents hanging on the wall and refer to them all the time. They are proud of the photos and enjoy talking to them!