OT..but wedding related-what should I do?

[annakris1973]

Hi all,

I have learned that if you have a question, the DIS is the place for answers, so here goes...

I am married to the middle of three brothers. My oldest brother-in law (OBIL) is also married. My youngest BIL (YBIL) is engaged. YBIL's fiancee is the only girl with 2 brothers. Her mom is handling all of the arrangements since the fiancee hates dealing with all that stuff and just wants to show up.

YBIL announced the wedding plans this past weekend to MIL and FIL. They are having a small wedding (75 guests) with 2 attendants each (ie best man and one groomsman). YBIL has asked FIL and a childhood friend who he's not very close to, to be attendants. This bothers me because YBIL was in both our and OBIL weddings. DH and OBIL do not care if they are in the wedding or not. However, SIL and I can't help but feel disrespected in some way. YBIL is 10 years younger than DH and was practically raised by his 2 brothers. He went through some rough years with drug and alcohol abuse, and we all supported and loved him through the lowest of lows. He works at the same place as DH (where he got him the job) and has had to go to bat for him a couple of times so that he wouldn't lose his job. YBIL met fiancee at work.

On top of all of it, I am the girlie-girl/organizer/party-planner in the family, and MIL wants me and SIL to throw a wedding shower for the couple and help with the rehersal dinner. I can't help but feel that because I am not in the wedding party, nor is DH, then I am not obligated to throw a shower. I know that if I don't help, then it will really hurt MIL. I have talked to SIL and she feels the same way I do.

What should I do? Should I just grin and bear it and throw the shower? Should I say something to YBIL or fiancee?

TIA

 

[TinkBride]

That kinda sound like a sticky messy situation where you may not want to step on toes. What was their reasoning for only 2 attendants each? Maybe he asked his BF and Dad to be involved so that he didn't have to choose between his brothers? I would coyly ask what the reason is for only two attendants in a innocent conversation setting, and see what the response is. Based on their reasoning would help me decide if I would throw a shower or not. What about her attendants that she has chosen, why are they not throwing the shower?

I can understand your dilemma. That is a tough choice, your feeling are understandable, but it may cause a problem too.

Rock and hard place.....right?

 

[annakris1973]

I am sure that her side of the family is throwing a shower for her of some sort, MIL wanted a shower more for the "groom's side", a casual co-ed deal.

As far as the reason for the 2 attendants....they want to keep it small. Keep in mind, the second guy he asked is not his BEST friend, just a casual friend. I would have really understood if they had just had a maid of honor and best man. Her 2 brothers aren't in the wedding, so I guess he figured his 2 shouldn't be either? I don't know.

 

[Maggimus]

Consider this..

it could be possibly that the soon-to-be bride doesnt want her siblings in the wedding (not close or has issues)... and if the soon-to-be groom has his siblings in the wedding party- it will only make the situation worse on her side. Just a thought. Sometimes they try to equal both sides out in the wedding party so that it doesnt step on anyones toes. Unfortunatly this situation seems to be doing so anyhow.

If i were you, I would be the nice soon-to-be sister in law and throw the shower for the couple anyway. Marrying into a new family is hard enough without having to feel the 'we dont support you' from them. Throw it... make them regret not having his brothers in on it.

The most important thing is that the Bride and Groom are happy- and that their wedding is based on something true.... not exactly who attends, who doesnt, and who is in the wedding party. For once, let them be selfish... and feed into it. I say throw the party, be happy and whatnot, even if you really arent. Things will work out in the end.

Just my opinion here.

Good luck

 

[TinkBride]

This sounds so selfish of me!

But...........if you and your SIL WERE to throw a shower for her.....who would pay for it all, your MIL? Or would you be paying? I just ask because that can get very expensive, pretty fast, and for someone who didn't consider family much at all, i wouldn't go to a terrible expense for it.

That's a tough one. I know my FMIL and FSIL aren't throwing me a shower. The shower being thrown by family included them and their family. So it was a one shot deal. Hmmmmmm, knowing me (I am a pleaser to a fault.....) I would probably suck it up and do it, rather than cause hurtful feelings for NOT doing it, but at the same time, I would probably be pissed at myself for doing it!

You just have to chose to go with your feelings and ruffle feathers, or suck it up and do it while gritting your teeth.

I say suck it up and do it, in the grand scheme of things is it worth the drama? What does your DH say?

Whenever i can't decide something like this, i go to DF, he always seems more level headed than me when it comes to emotions!

 

[annakris1973]

MIL is footing the bill for the shower... or at least she says she is. She has been known to be a cheapskate. She basically doesn't want to do the work involved, but she wants a seperate shower so the "groom's people" will feel comfortable.

DH will be upset either way. He'll be mad if I let MIL down and don't do it, but then he'll be mad at me for busting my butt, spending time and energy, to do something nice.

I think most of the groom's side of the family wishes they would have just eloped!

Here's the thing....at the time DH and I got married, YBIL was 10. DH had OBIL in the wedding, but didn't include YBIL because he was too old to be ring bearer but too young to be a groomsman. Well, MIL had a fit because he wasn't included...and PRESTO we had a "junior groomsman" in our wedding! Just seems odd, that now that the shoe's on the other foot, MIL seems to think its not a big deal.

 

[wendy46001]

I'd make it a point of asking MIL if she thinks its right for little bro not to include his brothers in the wedding....and then depending on her answer and if MIL was paying i'd throw the shower…but stick to her budget...it doesnt have to be an over the top affair....just a little get together...if you want to make a point ask if you can borrow the decorations from her other shower...

As a recent bride i can see how it hurts people not to be included, especially if you are asked to help out in a manner that is expected of a bridal party member...

 

[JJClemson]

Just another point of view... I agree that it would not have been fair to have the grooms' brothers in the wedding w/o having the brides' bros and vice versa. So, right away that adds to 4 groomsmen. Maybe the bride does not have 4 girlfriends she is close to? Maybe the bride and groom did not want to hurt any of their siblings' feelings and that is why they were not included in the wedding party.

I personally would not say anything to the bride and the groom. They are dealing with a lot now and don't need any extra headaches. I am not saying this to be mean at all, I just know how it feels when I am asked why I am doing things a certain way from my family and DF's family. It really bugs me. However, I think you and your SIL need to express your feelings to your MIL. Tell her you feel awkward throwing a shower since you nor your DHs were not included in the bridal party. See what she has to say.

Good luck I know these situations are tough!

 

[annakris1973]

Well, I talked to MIL and expressed my side of things. She did express the whole her brothers/his brothers and the extra 4 groomsmen issue. And I guess I can understand it from that perspective. (Doesn't mean I feel good about it) She said that if we didn't do the shower it would hurt her more than the bride and groom. She has been really good to me in the last few years, and I really don't want to mess that up, or start any drama.

So I guess I will grin and bear it all.

 

[TinkBride]

Don't look at it as helping the bride, look at it as helping your MIL. Silver lining in the clouds! You are the bigger person here. Enjoy the planning!

 

[Deesknee]

Without getting into it, we had a similiar situation with DH brother. We were married 24 years ago, he got married about 10 yrs ago. He was a "junior usher" Long story short, consider this, you will be married to this ENTIRE family for a very long time. Speaking only from my own experience, DH gets mad at me for being nice all the time, (that sounds weird), he gets over it. I have never had my in-laws get mad at me for being nice. (at least not that I know of ).

Best of luck.