OT-bedroom help

[Magic Mom]

There is certainly a bias and disdain for stepmothers. Lucky you, those who can judge without having any idea of what a tough, special job it is.

I don't have disdain for stepmothers. I have disdain for someone that is blantantly resentful of children that have done NOTHING to her and spares no amount of effort taking that resentment out on them.

 

[wdwfan16]

I personally can't imagine how hard it would be to have stepchildren and can't say how I would feel or act. I would not judge someone without walking in their shoes.

My husband's parents divorced when he was a teen and his dad got remarried and had a son..we hardly see him and he lives 20 minutes away. His new wife (not really new..they have been together 20 years) does not really want much to do with his other children..it is really sad. My cousins father completely disappeared after their parents divorced...as in remarried, had more kids and no one has heard from him in 15 years..at least the OP is trying..and asking for help..

The only advice I can give is to love these children. Even if you do not love them equally..make them feel as you do.

This is not the step-mother's fault but the father's fault.

 

[gonzo76]

That is so unfair. Surely the kids take trips at their mom's house without Dad and siblings? When you have two houses, you cannot always be included in every single activity at both houses. Why in the world would you criticize someone for taking her daughter to DW (on an all girls trip, no less) during a time the stepkids were not at her house? I've seen plenty of people on this board who take a special trip with only one of their "real" kids- this certainly should not be any different.

There is certainly a bias and disdain for stepmothers. Lucky you, those who can judge without having any idea of what a tough, special job it is.

Oh Please, no one has bias or disdain for stepmothers. Exaggerate much?

I guess you haven't read where she could not wait for her Stepson to get older so he won't be living at the house. Or how she doesn't like the fact she had to give rooms to her step children vs. Bio children because they are only there 50% of the time. You are not seeing the whole picture. This is not the first time she has had a thread about her step children. Maybe you should do some reading up on the subject.

 

[seashoreCM]

Before you think of setting up a bedroom in a basement, keep in mind that you may have to pull a permit and will have to follow a myriad of building codes.

Example: http://www.cockam.com/theater.htm

And for taking trips with children whom you do not have full custody of, you need to think about what happens if someone (you, the kid, the other semi-custodial parent) reneges on the trip. What happens to the airline tickets?

I suggested on another forum, regarding inviting a friend, that the friend's family buy the airline ticket.

Aside from that, it would be better if the stepkid's real parent (DH in the OP's case) negotiate any stay extension if the trip is just before the stepkid's arrival or just after his departure to his other home. The real parent can also help in such matters as how to get allowance money saved up in advance of the trip for spending money, whether that parent should bank the money in behalf of the kid, etc.

 

[Ciao Mickey]

Well, we have 3 kids bedrooms, my stepson is 13, my stepdaughter is 8, my DD is 1 and we are due next summer with another one. I need to come up with a fair distribution of the bedrooms. The stepkids are with us 50% of overnights, we won't be finding out the gender of the new baby until it's born. DSS has been begging to sleep on the couch, DSD is a sound sleeper but she moves around A LOT during the night. DD does not sleep through the night and is a pretty light sleeper. DSS does not have much stuff beyond his bed and game system. DSD has tons of art supplies and some other girly toys. DD has the typical collection of toddler toys, which will be going to mostly her bedroom as our downstairs is small and will be overtaken by baby gear. I want to redecorate and move DD (if needed) as soon as possible, to make all the transitions easier but I also want to be as fair as I can. Help?

Unless your 13 year old stepson is sleeping in the cupboard under the stairs, why would he be begging to sleep on a couch?

At his age, he needs his own room.

Why wouldn't you just put the 2 youngest (your toddler and soon to be) together for now?

 

[JUJU814]

Wow..just finished reading this one. Could you be any more blatant that you really don't like your step kids?

Toddlers/babies sharing a room is no big deal. My two little ones, son and daughter, just under 2 years apart, have shared a room from day one. They are not only 6 and 8, but they are of the opposite sex! Gasp!

You do what you need to do. You chose to have the kids, now you have to suck it up and deal with it.

If you teach the little ones from day one what the bedtime rules are, they'll be fine together.

I always kept my baby with me for 2 or 3 months before they moved to a bedroom.

I think you should be way more focused on making your step children feel like they are loved and a very important part of your family, then you are on whether you poor thing will have to be bothered with lack of sleep if the little ones bug each other.

 

[Magic Mom]

Unless your 13 year old stepson is sleeping in the cupboard under the stairs, why would he be begging to sleep on a couch?

At his age, he needs his own room.

Why wouldn't you just put the 2 youngest (your toddler and soon to be) together for now?

Because of this.

la79al

Joined on 07-12-2007
1,235 Posts
27,449 Points
That's what I was thinking too. Unfortunetly. Not trying to make it a step versus bio issue but I'm kind of upset that the kids that only call this house home won't even have their own rooms while the kids that don't even consider this house one of their homes each get a room all to themselves. I guess the only other option is to wait to TTC until the oldest doesn't come anymore.

 

[Boxley]

I don't know this poster's history, but some of you are being exceptionally harsh. You make it sound like she should give the older kids each their own room BECAUSE they are bonus kids- not because that is what necessarily works in their situation. Otherwise, they will feel displaced by the new baby. Guess what- in all families when a new baby comes along, everyone has to adjust!

I realize she has vented about her situation before, but unless you have ever been a stepmom, you have NO IDEA the storm and strife it creates. (Not to mention that most people I know vent about their families, step or not, sometimes).

When you marry a man with children, there is no way to know the myriad of situations you will be in. Some of them will be great, some of them will not be great- just like any family situation. From what I read of the OP history, she watches her stepchildren all summer with no extra money for fun or activities from her husband, but yet she wants them there because she loves them. I'm sure she has some resentment, but it sounds like she does enjoy the kids and provides for them well (And I never saw her say she intended to put the 13 year old on a couch, only that he wants to do that).

And for all of you criticizing her for calling them her stepkids, just know that might not be all her doing. Just as many of you, especially those of you who are ex-wives, would likely jump all over her if she referred to them as "her kids" because, by golly, she is NOT their mother. In my own situation, my stepsons (bonus kids) get in trouble if they do not refer to me as their stepmom. I get berated (by biomom) if I do not clarify loud and clear that they are my stepchildren. Is that petty of her? Absolutely. Does it hurt her kids who do see me as a Mom? Absolutely. The OP may face a similar situation.

The issue isn't that that just because they are stepchildren that they should get their own room. Personally, I think a boy of 13 should get a room of his own because he is at that age where he needs his own space. I think that if the OP had NOT posted previously and basically created her own voice of disdain and resentment towards the children, then posters would probably have been a little bit more sympathetic but still would of made their point that he should get a room. This is not the case, in the many posts she had made on this board and on the bump, her disdain for her stepchildren is apparent despite the rosy update she made later.

 

[wdwfan16]

Unless your 13 year old stepson is sleeping in the cupboard under the stairs, why would he be begging to sleep on a couch?

At his age, he needs his own room.

Why wouldn't you just put the 2 youngest (your toddler and soon to be) together for now?

 

[Rylee]

Hey OP...

I read through this entire thread, along with some of your other post, and it seems there are a lot of issues that need addressing with your DH, but as for the bedrooms -

The 13 y/o definitely needs his own room.

If keeping the newborn in your room for awhile is not an option, I would put the 19 month old with the 8 y/o. She may even sleep better. (At her age, she does NOT need to feed during the night. So, the fact that she is still waking probably means she is looking for some comfort or company. She may feel more secure with someone in the room with her.) On the other hand, when your SD is not in your home, your daughter will have her "own" room.

Once the babies are sleeping through the night, you could have the two youngest share, if in time the 8 y/o needs more space/privacy.

Also, you should use the next few months to work on getting your 19 month old to sleep through the night.