OT: Back When Mom and Dad Were in Charge

[dcforbreakfast]

I'm so sorry this is my third OT post this week! Love me anyway! I just feel like you guys are all my friends and it's fun getting everyone's take on things.

This is a column written in the Washington Post about how too many parents these days are letting their kids run them over. Telling their parents off...etc. There is no more "fear of mom and dad" anymore. I will say there is fear in my house. I still have power with my "evil mommy stare!"

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/09/10/AR2007091001174.html?sub=AR

 

[piraterose]

I'm so sorry this is my third OT post this week! Love me anyway! I just feel like you guys are all my friends and it's fun getting everyone's take on things.

This is a column written in the Washington Post about how too many parents these days are letting their kids run them over. Telling their parents off...etc. There is no more "fear of mom and dad" anymore. I will say there is fear in my house. I still have power with my "evil mommy stare!"

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/09/10/AR2007091001174.html?sub=AR

I always say, the "fear of God" was not instilled in us (me and my sister) - the "fear of Mom" was.

When DD is old enough I fully plan to example to her that this an benevolent dictatorship - not a democracy.

 

[dcforbreakfast]

Piraterose! She's old enough now!!!!!

 

[Whosemom]

That's a great article. My kids know most of those phrases. I have explained many times to my children and our church youth group that we are operating under a benign dictatorship, and I am the dictator, and that means I will indeed consider their input, but final decisions are all mine, and that as the adult I may have reasons for my decisions that I do not always care to explain.

 

[mamaloya]

Piraterose! She's old enough now!!!!!

I second and third that!!!

I think that is the problem. I think parents are "waiting until they are old enough". That is not fair to a child to all of a sudden change the rules on them. You can't let them run around the housing grabbing everything that is not locked away and then all of sudden expect them to understand not to touch things. My dad did not believe in fully childproofing a house and that is the one parenting tip he gave me. He said to leave everything out that would not hurt the child and just teach them not to touch. I took his advice. They now know self restraint.

When you find yourself saying "they will grow out of it" or "it is only a stage", you are wrong. They will not grow out of it. You have to train them out of it. They don't just all of a sudden one day stop whining. You have to stand your ground and NEVER give in. They will soon learn that if they want something, they must "use their big kid voice". My children have each only thrown 1-2 fits (major ones anyway). They never tried it again. I don't even spank very often. Only in very rare and extreme cases (and then never when I am angry). They do not "FEAR" me, they respect me. I am not their friend, but they can talk to me about anything and respect me enough to come to me even when they have done wrong. Most wrongs will be forgiven if they are confessed.

You can't wait until tomorrow to start training your child. Start from day 1, yes I mean 1 day old. NEVER allow them to do something you don't want them doing. The very first time my infants reached for my necklace, I simply and gently pulled their hand away and softly said "You cannot touch that, that is mommy's" or just "do not touch". Not any fussing, just stating the rule. None of my kids have every grabbed peoples earrings or necklaces. They were never allowed to grab the vidoes or push buttons on the TV. I never used any child locks on my cabinets either, except the ones with poison. I never really scolded them, just simply said no and moved them away. For the more stubborn ones, they got a slight hand slap, not hard. No means no. Period. No exceptions. Set limits and stick to them.

It aggravates me when parents say "he just won't listen". That is because you don't follow through. Don't tell them more than once. You tell them, and then there is a consequence. If you don't want to follow through, don't make the threat.

Sorry for the ramble, but "helpless" parents are my pet peeve.

 

[piraterose]

Oh, we are already raising her in a benvolent dictatorship - witnessed tonight when she got her little tush put to bed early because of her tantrum, ignoring and refusing to respond to me. (it was within a half hour to bedtime and after time out did nothing)

I just don't think the actual terms "dictatorship" and "democracy" are terms that she can understand at 3. So we live by it - I'm just looking forward to the day that I can actually use the phrase with her.

But for the last year we have used this little conversation:

me: "Elisabeth, who's in charge?"
DD: "Mommy's in charge"

Sometimes I slip in "Mommy and Daddy", but I only correct her when DH is around.

 

[tonilea]

My Mom used to count to three ( least I think she was counting to three). By the two count, we were doing whatever we were supposed to be or not doing what we weren't supposed to be.

Once, my Grandmother asked me what happened when Mommy got to three. This quote is now famous in our family. I replied with great conviction, "We don't know and we don't wanna find out!"

 

[WildGrits]

You know I just don't buy the fear thing. I don't want my children to do what they should because of fear. I want my children to grow up doing right and being citizens instead of civilians because they are moral and ethical people of character. I don't believe that fear makes these kinds of people.

I don't consider myself incharge or the boss. I am the head of the household. And as such it is my job to make such everyone is doing what they are responsible for. Sometimes things are up for debate. Example, Wednesday is shower night. If someone says, let me get up early tomorrow instead and take it cause the new Ghost Hunters is on tonight. Ok, unless you said so last week and didn't follow through.

Is our house run perfectly. Lord no. But I can tell you that my oldest is 11 and has a job. And my youngest is 10 and gladly does community service.

It just seems to me that if we don't teach them responsibiliy by cause and effect, then who's going to tell them what to do when they get out on their own?

Of course I might have it all wrong. I guess I will find out in the next 10 years.

Oh, and I just wanted to add, don't let it sound like I don't lose my temper and scream sometimes. I had a Huge Tantrum last night.

 

[tonilea]

You know I just don't buy the fear thing. I don't want my children to do what they should because of fear. I want my children to grow up doing right and being citizens instead of civilians because they are moral and ethical people of character. I don't believe that fear makes these kinds of people.

I think there are different types of fear. I was never afraid my mother was going to actually beat me or be mean to me. I was spanked, but certainly not beaten. I think you can fear/respect someone and love them at the same time.

 

[WildGrits]

I think there are different types of fear. I was never afraid my mother was going to actually beat me or be mean to me. I was spanked, but certainly not beaten. I think you can fear/respect someone and love them at the same time.

I agree with you that for the most part children aren't really afraid of bodily harm. My Mom hit kicked and berated. I did only hit for two reason, running in the road and a hand slap for touching the stove. And of course the one time when my oldest was 2 but I still have guilt from that.

For me, and I am not judging anyone who does it different, if I am telling my kids, "you don't have a right to put your hands on other people", well then how can I justify hitting them? My aunt hits her kids for hitting each other. I don't understand that.

 

[grlpwrd]

Well, fear is also defined as "reverential awe."

It doesn't just mean fear of bodily harm.

 

[dcforbreakfast]

Well, fear is also defined as "reverential awe."

It doesn't just mean fear of bodily harm.

Ha ha! That's what I have--- "reverential awe"! My kid isn't afraid I'm going to hit him or something (we're time out people and God bless it always worked) he's more afraid of

A. Disappointing me.
B. What the consequences will be.

 

[WildGrits]

Ha ha! That's what I have--- "reverential awe"! My kid isn't afraid I'm going to hit him or something (we're time out people and God bless it always worked) he's more afraid of

A. Disappointing me.
B. What the consequences will be.

Well this is kind of what I'm talking about.

I don't want my kids to fear dissapointing me. I want my kids to create their own set of values and that is what keeps them going. I don't want my kids selfesteem to be based on whether they are approved of but instead whether they themselves approve of their conduct. To gain an internal ethic.

I am a fallable human. I am learning and growing every day. I am not intitled to "reverential awe". But like everyone in my home, I am respected. And what I bring to the table is honored. And what I bring is my wisdom, from being on this Earth for 38 years, my weekly pay, which allows us to have and do, and compassion, which allows me to honor in return the others in my family.

Gee, I wonder if that makes me a Socialist. HA.

 

[dcforbreakfast]

Well this is kind of what I'm talking about.

I don't want my kids to fear dissapointing me. I want my kids to create their own set of values and that is what keeps them going. I don't want my kids selfesteem to be based on whether they are approved of but instead whether they themselves approve of their conduct. To gain an internal ethic.

I am a fallable human. I am learning and growing every day. I am not intitled to "reverential awe". But like everyone in my home, I am respected. And what I bring to the table is honored. And what I bring is my wisdom, from being on this Earth for 38 years, my weekly pay, which allows us to have and do, and compassion, which allows me to honor in return the others in my family.

Gee, I wonder if that makes me a Socialist. HA.

Good for you WildGrits! It's nice to hear parents who are even concerned about getting respect...too many don't even get it.

I'm just trying to raise my child basically the way I was raised. The horror of disappointing my parents is what kept me from drinking in high school, doing things I know they'd disapprove of and ever trying drugs (never in my whole life!). That was a strong motivator for me and I'm ok with it being one for my son. Kind of like Catholic guilt. ha!

 

[eliza61]

I'm just trying to raise my child basically the way I was raised. The horror of disappointing my parents is what kept me from drinking in high school, doing things I know they'd disapprove of and ever trying drugs (never in my whole life!). That was a strong motivator for me and I'm ok with it being one for my son. Kind of like Catholic guilt. ha!

This tickled me because I too am a Catholic school refugee. I had a good ole fashion fear of my parents (and of the nuns in school), not sure if I was worried about disappointing them though and I know I seriously wasn't thinking about whether or not they "respected me" my teenage mind just didn't work that way. I didn't do drugs or drink because I felt that if my dad (a nyc cop and ex marine) caught me, I would have been murdered. and I had no problem with that. I realize now of course, that my mom & pop would never had hurt me but if my teenage sons stay out of jail or off of drugs because they are worried what I'll do to them, I cool with that.

Maybe because I live in the city and there are just too many things out on the streets that influence kids especially teenagers, we are strict with our sons.

 

[jodifla]

I second and third that!!!

I think that is the problem. I think parents are "waiting until they are old enough". That is not fair to a child to all of a sudden change the rules on them. You can't let them run around the housing grabbing everything that is not locked away and then all of sudden expect them to understand not to touch things. My dad did not believe in fully childproofing a house and that is the one parenting tip he gave me. He said to leave everything out that would not hurt the child and just teach them not to touch. I took his advice. They now know self restraint.

When you find yourself saying "they will grow out of it" or "it is only a stage", you are wrong. They will not grow out of it. You have to train them out of it. They don't just all of a sudden one day stop whining. You have to stand your ground and NEVER give in. They will soon learn that if they want something, they must "use their big kid voice". My children have each only thrown 1-2 fits (major ones anyway). They never tried it again. I don't even spank very often. Only in very rare and extreme cases (and then never when I am angry). They do not "FEAR" me, they respect me. I am not their friend, but they can talk to me about anything and respect me enough to come to me even when they have done wrong. Most wrongs will be forgiven if they are confessed.

You can't wait until tomorrow to start training your child. Start from day 1, yes I mean 1 day old. NEVER allow them to do something you don't want them doing. The very first time my infants reached for my necklace, I simply and gently pulled their hand away and softly said "You cannot touch that, that is mommy's" or just "do not touch". Not any fussing, just stating the rule. None of my kids have every grabbed peoples earrings or necklaces. They were never allowed to grab the vidoes or push buttons on the TV. I never used any child locks on my cabinets either, except the ones with poison. I never really scolded them, just simply said no and moved them away. For the more stubborn ones, they got a slight hand slap, not hard. No means no. Period. No exceptions. Set limits and stick to them.

It aggravates me when parents say "he just won't listen". That is because you don't follow through. Don't tell them more than once. You tell them, and then there is a consequence. If you don't want to follow through, don't make the threat.

Sorry for the ramble, but "helpless" parents are my pet peeve.

What? Kids grow out of plenty of stages, all the time. It's called development.

 

[dcforbreakfast]

What? Kids grow out of plenty of stages, all the time. It's called development.

I think she meant bad behavior, they don't grow out of that, it just continues. Rebelling against your parents, while definitely part of development, can turn into a huge problem if you don't "train them out of it."

Obsession with Spongebob they grow out of. Using sippy cups, they move on. Whining to get what you want can go on through adulthood in different forms if you don't learn better. I think this is what she means.

 

[Camno's Mama]

I read this article and thought...do parents really run from the room when their kids throw tantrums? Really?

Can you even imagine doing that? I don't think I know anyone who would do that. I always hear about this kind of parenting style, but I have yet to witness it. I live in an affluent community, and I do think that there are a lot of parents who overschedule their kids or are overscheduled themselves and let their kids do whatever and are too tired or feel too guilty to stay on top of their little guys all the time. But I guess I've never seen a parent let their kids abuse them because they were afraid to stand up to their own kids.

It seems a little over the top. If there are really parents that are using this parenting style, I think I'm a little more afraid for the future of this country!

I myself have a screaming tantrum thrower and I've tried everything to stop it...I've learned to ride it out and talk to him when it's over. I was a screaming tantrum thrower myself at his age though...

Kudos to all of you for doing your best though...this topic is one I think about a lot!

 

[Shagley]

This thread made me think of a story that happened to my Aunt quite a few years ago. My Aunt is a second grade teacher and she had a student bring in his pet rabbit for show and tell one day. The next week the mother of one of her other students came in to her classroom and got in my Aunt's face and said "I am so mad at you I could just smack you". My Aunt said "Why, what is wrong" and the mother (who was obviously very furious) said "Since you allowed Johnny to bring his rabbit to class, we HAD to go get Donnie a rabbit over the weekend - and I hate rabbits". My Aunt just kind of appologized because she could tell how angry this mother was, but she said that she really wanted to say "Donnie is 7 years old, and you are his parent - just tell him NO". I really wonder how Donnie and his parents are getting by now that he is probably a teenager.

 

[MM27]

I read the article when it came out and it makes it clear why 9 and 10 year olds come into my classroom in September and think they are going to do things their way. We break them of that really quickly. While mommy and daddy think you are the greatest thing in the world and let you do whatever you want, it doesn't work that way here. I don't remember ever telling a teacher "I don't want to do that" when I was in school. I've had parent/teacher conferences where I was shocked at the way the kids would talk to their parents and the parents accepted it I wouldn't speak to my mother that way now, let alone when I was 9.