OT: Are grandparents entitled to one on one time with grandkids?

[rt2dz]

Are they "entitled"? NO! And, of course, you get to spend time alone with your kids--their YOUR kids. I would be annoyed with that kind of phrasing too.

I won't let my kids spend time alone with DH's parents. They can't be trusted, with my kids health or safety. We fight over whether carseats are necessary (4yo, 18month, newborn). They're dirty people; I've seen gas station bathrooms MUCH cleaner than theirs, trash will sit out on their KITCHEN COUNTERS for weeks. Yuck! And, no, they won't come to our house. We disagree on parenting styles--big spankers, clean your plate club members, etc--and will not hesitate to displine anyone else's child on a slight whim. Now don't get me wrong, if my children are acting up and you're the grown-up responsible, disipline them. But if I'm there, I'll displine them. And I don't think not hugging someone else's friend that you've never met before deserves reprimand and a spanking. And then when they do spend time with them, they don't do anything with them. My FIL is known to go to the bedroom to watch tv and never come out. They don't play with them. They barely even speak to them. It's no wonder that DS18 months doesn't even like them.

HOWEVER, I do want my children to have a relationship with them, just supervised, for my DH's sake. For my children's sake. And, luckily, I don't have to worry about the above kind of things with my parents. With either set of grandparents, I try to encourage a relationship--it is mutually benefitial to all--grandparents, parents, & children.

 

[tn_disney_addict]

Goodness...I had no idea how lucky I am. My mother thinks that my daughter is a gift from heaven (which she is) that was sent just for her for putting up with me while I was growing up!

They have play dates, they bake brownies, they practice swimming in the pool, they shop, they have tea parties....they do alot of things that Mom did with me that I can't do as often as I'd like because I work. Mom works now, but she didn't when we were growing up. Her idea of a "day off" is picking up my DD and spending the day doing fun stuff. No way I would ever consider taking that away from either of them. Whether or not they are "entitled" to a relationship seems irrelevant to me - they enjoy the relationship and that is what I find to be important.

My best friend is now a grandma (at a very young age, but nevertheless, a grandma) and tells me that there simply is no way to express the love you feel for your child's child, just as you cannot explain to someone the love they will feel for their own kids until they have them....or to the parent that wonders how they will ever love their second child as much as their first....or the not yet parents that always remark how "their kids won't act like that"....HAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHA

Just my $.02...

 

[Jenn]

I think her wording was a little strange, but her heart is in the right place. My Mom and my MIL often take 1 of my 2 daughters for special one on one time. But, they word it more like "Can I take Katie shopping and to lunch? I'd like to have a special day with her", or "Can I take Lauren to feed the ducks at the pond?", etc. Sometimes, 1 of my daughters has a sleepover. It gives them some special one on one time which I know they will cherish.

I was only close with 1 grandmother growing up (sadly she passed away 5/17), and I hold certain memories so close to my heart (like special sleepovers with only me and not my sisters, learning to crochet with her, going shopping, talking for hours (I got my gift of gab from her), I love that my daughters have that in their lives.

 

[PatsGirl]

I agree that her wording seems controlling but with that said, run with it.... As most posters have said, a grand-relationship has many merits, and a child cannot be loved too much or by too many and if this means ignoring non-hurtful comments then I say ignore them and ask when she'd like you to pick up your daughter -- one day, one week, or one month later

Brenda

 

[Jakesmom504]

Be happy they want to spend time with your kids. My parents love my son and love to spend time with him. My DH's parents however never see him but they always see their granddaughters. That being said I still do believe it is up to YOU (the parents) to say when and where your children go. I agree with you, it's not the fact that they want to spend time with your kids but that comment would have upset me too!

 

[Chereya]

In my relationship with my in-laws, if they had said something like that, I would have been offended. However, they're the type of people who are always trying to buy influence so I would take it to mean that they think they are entitled to time with my kids because they've "paid" for it.

We live in the same household and they do watch my son on ocassion but nowhere near what amount and quality of time that my family would. They also spoil him constantly, which I could understand and accept if we only saw them a few times for holidays etc but we see them every dinner which always turns into a circus act.

They can never remember his normal schedule and feel that he should be "on call" when it's convenient for them, not his free time. They don't remember to check his diaper to change him. They don't remember to bring juice or ask him if he's thirsty or needs a snack. They drive like maniacs which worries us so much that we make every excuse possible for him to stay home when they want to take him out to run errands etc. Oh yeah, and they criticize our parenting.

So no, I don't feel that they're "entitled" to time with our son. We appreciate it when they want to spend time with him but we turn them down if it's not in his and our best interest.

Chereya

Hee, this turned into a bit of a rant.

 

[The Blue Fairy]

It sounds like your Mom chose an immature word to stronghold you into her way of thinking. That's not nice. However, time goes by quick and your children are only young for a very short time. If you have loving parents, that are positive role models, this can be a wonderful arrangement. My daughter has only one set of GPs still living and they live 900 miles away. She gets to see them twice a year. She loves them dearly and this arrangement is a bummer. The grass is always greener on the otherside. A positive relationship with your parents can be such a gift to everyone. I hope you can work this out for all parties. I wish you luck with this.

 

[lillygator]

I think her wording was strange, too!

Not to hijack your thread but my mother recently called and asked if she could take DD for the weekend. She lives an 1 1/2 away. She complained that she has only stayed with her once. I said no as nicely as I could but she still got an attitude about it. Now she babysits or spends time with her at our house...but DH and I are not comfortable with her taking her for a weekend. She had prior asked to take her to Disney...first off my decision isn't the only one - DH is just as involved and has his say as well, but I just wonder why she feels like I am punishing her...I mean she was like "well you never let me take her." kind of attitude.

 

[8 Ears]

What we ended up doing was "keeping track" I know it sounds childish but when the older one had spent a night the younger one had " a night coming". sometimes it was was 2 or 3 but then no more. The other one had to have their time.
Sounds awful babyish but it worked for us. Oh, I should say it was after the younger one was toilet trained that we started putting our foot down.

And yes, please feel glad that grandparents want to have their grandchildren over. Our son's have learned so much from my parents. DH father passed away when the oldest one was in K and DH mother only calls around Christmas time. Only 1 time has either of the boys got a birthday gift from her. 2 years ago they got $10.00 which is fine but last year she did not even call, send a card or come over when invited.

When one is over we try to spend some quality time with the other while brother is not around.

 

[MandM-Mom]

You are very lucky, both my DH's and my parents hardly spend time with our children, we always say we are jealous of couples we know whose parents take there kids on outings or just over to play, it must give you a break too, which would be great once in a while.

 

[LuluLovesDisney]

Just want to point out how lucky these kids are. . . (those of basically all the posters)

I've been thinking about this thread and I just have to say this from a different perspective.

I have come across so many chilcren in my lifetime as a teacher who are abused, neglected, whose mother has 4 other kids from 4 other men, whose dad's locked up, whose bounced from aunt to uncle, to grandmother, none of whom want them, who often end up in foster care ( I am thinking of dozens of real kids, this is sort of a compsite picture of all of them) who do not have enough pieces of parental figures to make one whole one.

Here these kids are so loved that people are arguing over who and when they can spend time with them. I wish that kind of conflict on more of these kids, rather than the ones they have in their lives.

Whether they have grandparents in another state, or right around the corner, whether they get one on one time or not, I just think it's wonderful that they have parents who love them as well as in most cases extended families that love them, too.

 

[Danemom]

She said, well, you have time alone with her, going to movies, baseball games etc, so we should too.

Only you know the manner with which this was said, but IMO this just means "you have special times with her and I should have them too". It doesn't sound like your mom actually said she was "entitled" to anything, just that she wants a relationship with her granddaughter that includes one on one time.

It's important for everyone to have time together but one on one time is so special. It's more relaxed and, honestly, you probably hinder some of the fun by being a mom. I know I do with my own DM and children! I have been officially UNinvited on grandma/kid birthday shopping sprees because I try to "guide" them to make what I think is a good purchase. I can't help it!

I think you may be too defensive about this - what she said is true and a grandmother SHOULD have time alone with her grandchildren since you "have no issue with them going".

 

[Kimkimba]

Remember, life is short and sometimes love is hard to come by. Even if we don't agree with everything they do or say, loving grandparents have so much to offer our children. They aren't raising them, so it's "okay" for their opinions on things to be different.

I really don't think your Mom "meant" anything by what she said; it just sounds like she wants to spend quality time with your daughter.

I have an older dd from my 1st marriage; I divorced her father when I was 2 and had primary physical custody. I never saw eye-to-eye with my ex-in-laws, but they were still my daughter's grandparents. My ex MIL would call me to ask if she could pick my dd up after school and keep her til after dinner, probably about once a month. I always let her go. While my dd never developed a close relationship with her Grandma, at least she knows her. And I know my ex-MIL treasures that relationship (this is her only grandchild).

My parents have passed away and it is so sad that my younger children will not know the love and warmth of these wonderful people; my older dd is fortunate because she was able to spend a lot of time with them and she will always have those memories. What I wouldn't give to have them back for a day for my younger children.

I have been blessed with awesome in-laws this time around. Unfortunately, they live almost 2 hours away and they both work. But they are so wonderful and spend as much time as they can with my kids, and are very giving of themselves. They put everything aside (they are divorced), and celebrate everything with us together; my MIL let's my FIL stay at her house and drives him here, and it's truly for my children.

Next week my FIL is going to Disney with us. We invited him, because I know he really wants to be with grandkids when they are experiencing Disney.

 

[Tootsietoo]

From my experience as a parent, DIL, and now a grandparent, I would just let it go. Perhaps your mom for some reason, real or perceived, was feeling left out, or she just may have phrased it wrong. My children were so lucky to have my MIL and FIL. They adored them, and I know the feeling was mutual. My mom passed away when my kids were little, and I wish they could have had more time with her. Life is too short. My DS and DIL let me take my 3 year old granddaughter to WDW for three nights last week. I'll always treasure that time that I had with her. It was such a gift. My daughter flew down and met us there so my GD had a chance to spend some time with her auntie. My DS and DIL got to spend some alone time with their new baby. They missed her, but we called home a zillion times. That they would trust me with their precious child made me feel so good.

 

[blondimom]

I think that the relationship between a grandparent and a grandchild is such a unique and enriching one, assuming that it is a normal one. She may not have phrased it in a way that you approved of, but it sounds like her heart is in the right place.

 

[#1 Pocahontas]

I agree with all the other posters that you are lucky the grandparents who want to spend time with the children. They are wonderful people to have in a child's life, and your children will cherish the times they spend with them.

That being said, I FEEL for you. My mother said almost the exact same things to me that your mother said. (I thought I had the only mom like that) I know she was just desperate for more time and thats really all she was wanting to get across to me but man it made me mad they way she said it. She was always controlling and I viewed it as her trying to be controlling in that situation too. The only thing I can say is to let it go. I know that is always easier said than done but sometimes thats what is best way to keep everyone happy.